Just Sharing

I'm coming to accept that I'm not going to be the worlds happiest or healthiest of people in my lifetime and I don't need to feel worthless or guilty about that. I have a multitude of high-level, serious challenges to wellbeing and that I keep trying to make my life and my happiness quotient the best it can be continues to be the yardstick I go by.
I've just returned from a week overseas despite chargrin for my disability worker for not acting like a "proper" disabled person for lying down and accepting the lower quality of life of a disabled person.
Yes, I was depressed, but being on holidays gave me the distraction I needed at a critical juncture. I managed a difficult time perfectly but my disability worker just doesn't understand me well enough to know how well I just managed my illness. I have asked for a different worker again. Last time I asked was a year ago and she's in the process of updating my file so I figured it was a good time to re-ask.
My time overseas gave me good perspective. I learnt that I don't like New Zealand but if I get accepted into a hepatic research program, I will relocate there for the duration of the study. I am researching other countries to emigrate to for a couple of years. I'm being very sensible about all factors involved and know that it is an overwhelming proposition. I mightn't end up doing it, but I know it will help me stocktake all aspects of my life.
I have also done up a life timeline since being home, to plan out how I might live out my remain 42+ years. It helps convert values into real life actions and it also has me living more consciously - how I am best to use this life I have been given.
I am considering finishing my renovations and renting my house out and using the income from that as income for my accommodation overseas where the cost of living is so much lower (if I don't go to one of the 29 social security agreement countries, where I get to keep my disability pension while living outside of the country.
Yes, I live in an enormous amount of pain and all my illnesses conspire to make me one of the loneliest, isolated, angriest and saddest people I know. That does not mean I can't keep making the best out of a bad situation.
Since my son has turned on me I don't feel safe and feel I need to relocate just for that reason alone. The fact that Murdoch will be calling the shots for Australia for the next couple of years makes me want to escape the destruction. I would rather return in three years and be part of the rebuilding phase. The blow by blow experience would be very difficult to endure, even though I accept I might just have to suck it up.
I also feel I have to change my identity again as I feel my son has reexposed me to the danger that necessitated the change of identity in the first place.
It takes courage to do what needs to be done in life. But the saying that the fruit is out on the limb is correct. It just takes courage, balance, strength and a sense of purpose to risk one's addiction to safety, security and familiarity, to change oneself internally as well as one's circumstances externally.
I feel my illnesses demand that I turn myself inside out to survive. And I'm prepared to do whatever is effective in managing my illnesses and achieving the best quality of life, no matter how difficult, painful or scary. I'm certainly not going to let the judgement of me from people who don't care about me, stop me from seeking my highest good. Thanks for reading, if you got through it. It was quite cathartic to share that. Thank you.