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Posted 12/7/2013 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
This is my first post. I just joined a few minutes before writing this. My wife and I have been married for 25yrs. We have an 18 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son. Our family has been struggling with my wife's bipolarness ever since the birth of my daughter triggered it . Or maybe it was just a coincidence.
Without going into detail , because I could write a book on here, I have a question. Is there a medication that actually works ? I know everyone is different and react differently to meds. I'm convinced my wife has been on the wrong meds for years. It's forbidden for me to question the meds or suggest she get a 2nd opinion on her diagnosis and prescriptions. I will say that between 1995 and 2008 times were a little better than they have been from 2008 to present. She did change doctors and since then she's gained 40+ pounds and is as unpredictable as a rattlesnake.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I might get her to go in for an evaluation ? She doesn't recognize ,realize or admit she's the one with a problem yet she takes meds.
Before answering read this... She is never wrong, doesn't apologize, isn't grateful, sarcastic, disowned her parents and brother who all live 10 mins away, disowned my family who live on the same road, quit going to our church which we were married in and have attended since we were teens and the kids and I go every Sunday , doesn't work, when she does get a job it only lasts a few weeks before she quits because everyone is talking about her or scheming behind her back (mostly fabricated in her mind). She left the kids and I for 5 months last year to go live with her aunt and uncle in fla. we live in md. I received divorce papers in the mail and that's when I went down and was able to talk her home with the Lord's guidance.
My kids and I are Christians as is my wife. I know when we get to heaven she will be rid of this sickness. But is there any hope of happiness until we get there? Thanks in advance !
Posted 12/7/2013 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
I admire you for standing up and being the strong dependable parent for your children. It is obvious you love your wife but for 18 years the person you fell in love with has been lost to you. Your children have never seen the women you fell in love with, except in small glimpses. If after 17 years of treatments, she still believes she is never wrong, doesn't apologize, isn't grateful, is sarcastic, has disowned her family and your family, quit church, and can't hold a job why have you stayed in this misery for 18 years. Why not sign the divorce papers? It may give your children some more stability? I think after 25 years of marriage EVERYONE would become codependent and you may need to look at your emotional and psychological reasons for staying. Your belief system cannot be the only reason. I'm just trying to help validate that quiet voice in you that is saying "This isn't okay what this person is putting my family through and I'm going to put a stop to this abuse". I'm sorry that your entire family has gone through so much pain. I'm not telling you to leave your wife or anything. This is your life and what you do is your business. Our journeys are so individual and unique. I know it is terrifying to think about the possibility of divorce and the complex emotions that comes from loss. Your family, your faith, your community and your children will help you get through such a catastrophic event if it does happen. I know I haven't told you what you want to hear. Maybe God wants you and your children to make choices that will give you the fullest, most vital experiences of the life He gave you? I know what I am saying is INCREDIBLY confronting. I suppose too confronting... but at the end of the day, you cannot change your wife, you can only choose to respond to the situation as effectively as you can... and what that unique path is can only be discovered by quiet reflection and communication with God. Good luck xo I am deeply sorry for your pain.
Posted 12/8/2013 3:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi rmm69,

Just saying hi and welcome...

I'm sorry to read about your wife. However, I'm a bit confused. Is she still living with her aunt and uncle or is she now living with you and the kids?

Usually when someone has a problem, they do not realize it and they may eve deny it. Have you tried talking to her this? You can talk to her about it directly. If not, maybe you can just suggest she go for a regular health checkup.

Different meds work differently for everyone. One med may work for someone, but a may not work for you. Maybe this is the case with your wife. Or she may need a change in meds to something that will work. If you can get her to go for a checkup somehow maybe the doc will be able to change meds.

I hope things will improve with your family.

UA
Posted 12/8/2013 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
My faith is indeed what has kept this family together. I don't want my kids to be from a broken family and then eventually my grand kids. My wife is back at home. I can't even discuss a drs appt with her without her getting angry. I just wanted to know if anyone has had similar experiences and finally found the right meds so I can have some hope. Thanks for your replies.
Posted 12/9/2013 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
Is she abusive towards you and the kids? It is better for a child to have a single parent than to be abused. I know your faith obviously means the world to you but God doesn't want of His children (you or your kids) to be abused.

Your wife needs help and putting up with her unkind behaviour hasn't led her to get help. Maybe it's time to give her an ultimatum?
Posted 12/9/2013 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
Definitely no abuse. But sometimes we feel like we are being abused when we can't figure her out. The kids are the only people she's always been kind to , other than twisting or spinning their words to make them sound negative towards her. I will press on and keep praying that positive things start to happen.
Posted 12/10/2013 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
It is your business what you chose to do with your life rmm. My fear is you've asked if there is any hope and have had it fed back to you that, after almost two decades of this entrenched behaviour, with this highly destructive illness, there is actually very little to no hope of things turning around. Again it is up to you because people have unique ways of managing their life, and everyone has to do what is authentic for themselves. You spontaneously pop into my mind each day because I feel for the depth of fear and pain you must be experiencing. I have been in an unhealthy marriage too and your situation takes me right back to the feelings I felt at the time. I was so determined to make it work for "my son's sake" that I didn't look at the toll it was taking on either my son or myself. I martyred both of us for the ideal of my son "having his father" at all costs. I didn't look objectively at how unhealthy his father made the family dynamic. His father was so harmful and things became so desperate that eventually I had to cut his father out of the family unit just so I could continue functioning as the major caregiver to our son. Our son still had an ongoing relationship with his father yet his home life became much more stable, predictable and emotionally safe. My son was so much happier - and I became overwhelmed with a potent sense of guilt at all that I had put my son through by not seeing and accepting the reality the situation and managing effectively. I was so enmeshed with the "ideal" and wanting that ideal so desperately for my son, I unwittingly did him a major disservice. I feel terrible for what he endured in those years when it was my job to protect him from everyone... even if that included his biological father. That is was my situation and there would be a lot of differences between your situation and what mine was... but I share my experience with you just to let you know I have experienced similar and I, too, found it incredibly difficult. The past 11 years have been much more emotionally and spiritually richer through creating a healthy environment for myself and my son. I can't undo those years he suffered terribly through my bloody-minded attachment to an ideal. I won't comment any further on you thread because I don't want to come across as badgering you or anything... I just want you to know I'm not judging you... and just like you, I deeply and genuinely wish the absolute best for your family. Please take good care of you! xo
Posted 12/10/2013 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
Living Well, thank you very much for sharing and your insight. Take care
Posted 12/12/2013 2:36 AM (GMT 0)
rmm69, I'm sorry she'll get angry if you ask her to go to the doc. It's not nice of her to twist the kids words as well.

I can't be much help with the meds since I haven't used it.
I do know that after using the meds for a long period of time, it can reduce the frequency and severity of bipolar mood episodes, and sometimes prevent them entirely. However, you will need to find the right meds or combination of meds for the person needs. Because everyone responds to medication differently, they may have to try several different medications before they find one that relieves the symptoms.

I hope your wife will change her attitude and things will get better for your family.

UA
Posted 12/13/2013 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
I believe that different meds should be tried as well. I've pleaded the case for that but get no where. I even called the drs office and told them she was changing into someone we don't know but they said due to privacy act all they can do is put a note in her file so the dr will see it at her next appt. I don't even know if she has had one since I called. Top secret info.
Thanks
Posted 12/13/2013 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry the doctors can't do much without her consent or her approaching them.

You wife sounds a bit stubborn when it comes to listening to you. It sounds like she does not want to change. Sometimes we can be very supportive, caring and willing to help someone, but they are not willing to accept this or change. In turn, we sometimes have to accept that this person may not want to change. Some people want to and they are willing to change or accept help while other are not. I don't see why she doesn't want to go for a checkup since she went before and have been using meds. It'll just be a checkup and maybe a change in dx and meds depending on the situation.

I guess we can do our part by being supportive but we cannot force them to do something they don't want to do. Maybe this is the case with your wife. I know it's affecting you as well. It's hard for you since she doesn't want the help and yet you're very supportive to her.

You mentioned that she's kind towards the kids. Have they every tried talking to her? Maybe if she heard it from them, she may want to go for a checkup.

UA
Posted 12/13/2013 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Yes my daughter has tried but she becomes defensive and mad. We are the ones that are sick, changing and wrong not her. It's basically her against the world. Just 15 mins ago she asked me for some money to go get some meds because she was sick. I asked her "what ails you " and she told me to stop being a smart ass in front of Jessica. How does one comprehend something like this. It's things like this that make me want to give up.
Posted 12/14/2013 1:50 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds like she's not willing to accept her problem and she will not visit the doctor to have a checkup or change in her meds.
She had the support but she doesn't want the help. Maybe if she didn't have the support, then she would seek help.

When you're supportive to someone and they don't appreciate it, it does indeed make you frustrated and want to give up many times. This negativity can impact on you as well and make you depressed sometimes. You have to take care of yourself as well. Sometimes you will take care of others, but you forget to take care of yourself. I know it's hard on you.

Hang in there. Maybe you can take a little vacation away from her to clear your thoughts and get away from this atmosphere for a little bit. Sometimes, you need a little break from normal routine and rest as well.

UA
Posted 12/15/2013 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry for your pain. I feel her pain as well as your own pain because of personnel experience. I definitely can tell you she needs to have another evaluation and possibly a change in medications.

I was misdiagnosed for 18 yrs and given the wrong medication. I became addicted to benzodiazepines, ativan and klonipin eventually which led to brain and memory impairment. My life spiraled out of control along with my poor coping skills to deal with my emotions as well as carrying around so many wounds from my childhood abuse.

I over the last almost two years, have gotten off of benzos, and lexapro, and put on the right medication, Lamictal. It has been a godsend for me and I feel well again before all this happened to me mentally. but my body is a train wreck.

while coming off this drugs, I what I call woke up and had to go thru a self evaluation and come out of denial about my pain my problems and my illness. I realized I had so much grief, sadness, and anger repressed for years and it all came pouring out of me. I did not get out of the bed for 1 year. I feel carrying all this around led to my physical illness.

I had many of the deadly sins. Greed, Selfishness, name some more, I had them. I had to look them square in the face, and realize due to my wounds from childhood, a person, a false self had took a hold of me for years, but it was not the real me. after getting on the right medication, and working in therapy, I now am starting heal, and learn how to cope and live a happy life. and the real me, that sweet innocent young girl is here now, and willing to live and try to experience life more fully.

I hope and pray your wife can come out of denial. you have endured a long hard road. and if you have to make a choice not to stay in your marriage, I hope you have the support you need to heal.
Posted 12/16/2013 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
I'm very happy for you that you are getting your life back. That's great. Were you ever in denial or think that you were ok and everyone else had problems? Thank you
Posted 12/17/2013 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
hi mm69, yes, I was in deep deep denial. it took me years to accept because of the shame I had experienced growing up with a mentally ill mother. she was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic in the fifties. she had a frontal lobotomy as well. There is also such a stigma attached to mental illness, especially around here in small town, USA. It is sad we live in a society that instead of looking at people as individuals, they look at labels and stereotypes.
Posted 12/29/2013 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, rmm69.

I'm new here and joined just so I could respond to your thread. I am a christian! too. I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through.

I was dx bipolar 2 six years ago and was put on the atypical antipsychotic med Abilify. It was a miracle drug for me.
I know that we all react differently to different meds, and I have no medical training, so take it with a grain of salt.

I hope your wife gets on some meds that help her situation.

Peace

Binti
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