Why?

Hi Everyone...I have been reading all of your posts, and it gives me hope that you may be able to help me.  I haven't stopped crying for a week.  My husband is bipolar, and recently spent two weeks in the hospital.  He had an episode in 2001, 2002 , last October, and now this July.  His mood swings are rapid, and anything at all can trigger him.   He takes medication while he is in the hospital, but when he gets out and feels better, he prefers to self-medicate with pot.  He is an alcoholic (last drink in 1982), and we were divorced and remarried in 1987.  I thought it was the alcohol that made him act out and now I see that he was using ( and still is ) to control his illness. This time, he went to stay at his mother's house after he was released from the hospital.  While he was there, he wouldn't let me (or any family members) talk to his doctor, or even give me any information.  He took off July 3, and I worried so much because we didn't know where he went.  In 2001, he took off and spent $3000 of his SS retro check driving all over the state and calling me periodically until he finally wound up in the hospital.  He also gets paranoid, and I had to call the crisis center because he frightened me -- he doesn't even know who I am.  This from an otherwise loving and kind husband.  Now, he won't talk to me.  Just says that he wants a separation and to get his clothes together and "have a nice evening".  I am devistated and heartbroken.  I have been there for him always, and I don't know what to do.  I know he is in denial.  I told him we could be happy if he took his meds.  He doesn't like the side effects, but never gave it enough time so that he could adjust to them.  Over the years, he has put me and our two children through hell, and I am also feeling very guilty about that because I feel I am addicted to this relationship somehow because I would never let anyone else treat me like he does when he is sick,yet I can't stop loving him.  Please help me.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through . It is very unfortunate. I am Nickie ,I too am Bipolar. I have a different opinion. I usually won't comment when I read a post like this due to not wanting to sound incompassionate or insincere. Really I am just the oppsite. I feel when children are involved and years have went by and there isn't much improvement, it is time for you to let go. Past predictions are great future predictions. Having Bipolar, is one issue, being alcoholic, smoking pot, not taking meds are all other problems. I understand they possibly could go hand in hand , because I myself did all of them. The difference is my child woke me up! Children are pure innocent creatures , who don't understand all of these things, but they do understand when there father isn't their, and they know what it is to hurt. As for yourself, you need to feel alive and loved. I know it is painful, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Please remember this is only my perception, and opinion, by no means am I telling anyone what they should do. Kinda sounds strange coming from someone with bp. However many on this site, have said if it wasn't for their spouse sticking by them through all these years they wouldn't made it? It is difficult. I just know me , and I wouldn't ever want to do that to anyone. Good Luck, keep us informed. We are always here to listen!        Nickie

Hi, I'm Shannon - so glad you found us to help you!  I am also bipolar, as are most of the people on this board.  Also a psychiatric and internal medicine nurse of many years, as my name says.  So, I experienced it from both sides.  I also am not telling you what to do, but Nickie is dead on right about what happens.  It also happened to me, everything but the road trip.  I have destroyed every relationship I have ever had, some family and all friends included, not just men, spent our money to the point we had to file bankruptcy, (47K in three months on credit cards)  treated my current husband like crap, and many other horrors.  I, too have been a drug abuser and an alcoholic my whole life (I'm 40).  My sweet husband stuck with me through 10 years of marriage, but last year he finally put his foot down and told me if I didn't get my crap together, he would have to leave, he couldnt take any more.  Who could blame him?  You would think being a nurse and knowing practically everything about BP I would want to get well? LOL.   That's just not how it works as you are finding out.   My incentive was to keep my husband who is the only person I ever truly loved (as much as a BP can love) and who has ever loved me unconditionally.  I knew I might as well end my life if he left me.  So I got it together and fast.   I went to the hospital and got stabilized and detoxed at the same time (not fun), and vowed to stay on meds this time, no matter how bad it made me feel.  And man, did I feel miserable.  It's called a "crash" which always happens when a mania ends, either naturally or with meds.  2 months of depression so bad, I had never even known, cos I was always manic.  So weak I could hardly stand, much less get to the toilet or accomplish a shower every day.  Couldn't even think, so slow in the mind.  That's what bipolar depression is like, it is a totally different animal than regular or clinical depression.  You are literally a prisoner in your own body,  because it slows down both body and mind excessively.  Anti depressants don't work on this one.  We can't take the ones everybody else does anyway, cos it triggers mania.  Go figure.  So it was about 2 months in bed, but slowly it started to get better.  It was gone in about 3.5 months.  Then, I was atually stable for the very first time in my life.  It's heaven.  I would never ever go back to manic, ever.  As a result and happy ending, my hubby and I have never been so much in love, so happy it's like we just started dating, rediscovered each other and fell in love all over again.  I had never experienced really loving someone deep down.  Now I can and do, and I treat him like a god.  He never takes me for granted, he even thanks me every morning for his oatmeal and juice, haha.  I figure I have a decade of treating him good to make up for.  The regret of my past actions haunts me every day, tho.  If I thnk too much about it, I cry, like I am right now.

The point is, almost all of us have the exact same story.  It depends on the motivation whether we get well or not, it's completely up to us, and no one else, including God, if I may be so bold.  If your husband won't try and stick with it for the sake of his family, you are wasting your time, meanwhile you and your children suffer.  Getting well is his decision, and living the way you are is yours. 

BTW, we're all kinda blunt, but also easily hurt cos we're overly sensitive, (weird, huh) so this isn't meant to be mean in any way, it's just a real life example and the hard, cold reality of the disease and what it does to families and all relationships, not to mention jobs and financial matters. 

I really wish you happiness and the best of luck.  You have been through hell, I know.  My thoughts are with you, just like everyone who suffers the disease, or the effects of a loved one with it. 

Sincerely,

Shannon

Thanks, Charron.  If that helped at all, I feel good about exposing my experiences here.  Anything to help people understand, cos you won't find this stuff on bipolar information sites.  I really do understand your predicament, an extremely difficult and painful place to be in, I am so sorry.  You can have him committed, you know, and he would have no choice but to be taken down from a mania, but of course, most insurance companies only allow 4 days, so he could stop meds again. It's so well, frustrating is the understatment of the century. 

My thoughts are with you and your family, I really hope he decides to try to get better for all of your sakes.   Please stick around, you will undoubtedly have more questions. 

Shannon