"When we don't accept all the aspects of who we are, it requires the effort on the part of our prefrontal cortex [in our brain] to keep the unwanted parts of ourselves out of awareness, outside of the coherent narrative of ourselves". What the?
So what does it mean? It means that it actually requires LESS effort from our brain to accept ourselves. Judging ourselves harshly and trying to disown parts of ourselves that we don't like takes FAR MORE EFFORT than embracing ourselves just as we are, with all our perceived strengths and weaknesses.
It doesn't mean we have to reveal our deepest embarrassments and regrets to total strangers. It just means we can make room for them as part of ourselves, as the imperfect humans that we all are. We all make mistakes. We all have weaknesses. Trying to disown them or relentlessly persecute ourselves for them is wasted energy.
Acceptance is the only starting point for change. It feels like a Catch 22 but ironically psychological research consistently shows that the most efficient and fastest way to improve ourselves is to non-judgementally accept the parts of ourselves that we don't like.
A lot of us carry self-loathing around and ruminating in those self hatred pathways stronger and bigger in our brain. Blocking them out is just as exhausting and they grow. Like Einstein says "we cannot solve a problem by the thought processes that created it". I will defer to Einstein on this one as he seems clever enough for me ;). If self loathing is the labyrinth, befriending ourselves is the way out.
To do this, imagine the wisest part of yourself. The "you" that is wise , strong, courageous, compassionate, competent and accepting. Try to form the strongest picture you can of this, your wise self, in your mind's eye. We all have been wise at some time in our lives. Give this part of yourself a character. It could be a person, an animal, a cartoon character, whatever...
Now think of the thee most positive qualities you have. Name them and giver them characters too.
You should have 4 character by now:
1. Wise Self
2. Positive Quality Character 1 (eg. Generosity)
3. Positive Quality Character 2 (eg. Intelligence)
4. Positive Quality Character 3 (eg. Good with My Hands)
See characters 1-3 have a bit of a party with your wise self.
Once that party is is full swing it is time to introduce Character 4.
Character 4 is a quality you don't like about
yourself very much. A quality you wish wasn't part of who you are. Name this character and have them join the party. See your wise self, your positive quality characters all warmly welcome this character, embrace them and invite them to join the fun.
Once you have a strong concept of your wise self and the four quality characters, let the quality characters tell you what positive and negative influences they have on your life. Now ask the wiser self tell you what it thinks are the gifts and lessons each quality character brings your life.
You will be able to find times where each quality has been helpful and when it has been harmful.... yes, even that "negative quality that you hate so much about
yourself" has been helpful on occasion!
Visualising our wise self and other characters partying with our most hated self gives our most hated self to the capacity to be accepted by it's peers (other quality characters) as well as being accepted and validated by the leader, the head honcho (our wise self).
Having our wise self validating our most hated self enables our brains to develop self-acceptance connections, enabling us to befriend ourselves despite our most disliked qualities.
Ironically we become more flexible to change. We waste valuable energy with trying to block out parts of ourselves that are there for a reason and berating parts of ourselves for them being there. Taking the most effective action isn't a hatred of one part of ourselves... it is about
using the correct tool for any particular task at hand. We are more able to do this when we accept ourselves... and yes it is an ongoing journey.
The quote was taken from Linda Graham, Bouncing Back 2013. I adapted the exercise, to shorten it for the board.
Post Edited (Living Well) : 1/17/2014 8:21:09 PM (GMT-7)