My Wife

Speaking as the bipolar person in my marriage, there are many times I do not realize how bad I am, how hypomanic, how fast I am talking, how much I am enraged. Have you tried talking to her about it when she is in a balanced mood? My husband knows that If I get that bad he needs to tell me because as I said there are just times when I honestly do not know. Maybe you and her can talk to her mom together?

Hey Welcome to HW Some Guy,

It seems like it may be a bit of a conflict of interest having her mum as her doctor in this instance.

If it were someone who was objective, you would be able to share your experiences too. It is impossible for your mil to be objective when it comes to her own daughter.

I don't know whether my "sense" is correct, but there may be a risk that they may be in a bit of a co-dependent relationship. Given that there is so much stigma again mental illness in the medical community (of all places) I suspect her Mum would be less likely to diagnose her daughter with chronic mental illness with a genetic basis that may reflect on her own genes... I hope I am very, very wrong, but it is something to consider and dismiss if its inaccurate.

I'm sorry you are so alone with this. Your wife seems alone too. Did she agree with the fulltime work/fulltime study arrangement at the outset? If not, it is unlikely she will ever change her opinion about it, bipolar or no bipolar. Everyone who gets married is committing to the dance of balancing their own important needs for indentity, individualism, independence and freedom with the greater good of the relationship. Every couple need to negotiate that unique balance for what is the "sweet spot" in their relationship for themselves. And of course that will always fluctuate coz nothing ever stays the same in life.

Most people struggle with work/life balance with 8hour days. 16hr days only leave enough time for sleep, nothing more. I tend to think it is impossible to sustain one's own mental and physical health working 16 hour days for any stretch of time. Everyone needs time for rest, relaxation, chores, hobbies, outings, socialising, exercise, family, relationships, to have a full vital life. So even if you and your wife agreed on it in the beginning, I think it may have been a bit of an ambitious decision if it is a long term one. It is understandable consequences are being felt for both of you individually and for your marriage.

A daughter should not be expected to share all her medical information with her own mother. There is a need for privacy as an adult and having her mother as her doctor would impact on medical care as well as the r/ship with her mother. It's a bad idea imho.

Hope something helps your situation... it sounds like there may be fundamental factors for you and wife to tweak before even addressing the mental health issues because realistically one cannot chose to have an unhealthy lifestyle and expect to be healthy. You can chose to have unhealthy behaviours and accept the consequences or make the adjustments required to be healthy. Sometimes small changes, like hiring a cleaner or lengthening out the period of study can make huge positive impacts. I rarely has to be all or nothing.

Hope that helps - and a warm welcome to HW!! ;)

Post Edited (Living Well) : 2/2/2014 9:14:02 PM (GMT-7)

Your wife's Mother should not be treating her own daughter and actually the AMA has a guideline and protocol in place for just this kind of thing! My first step would be checking out those guidelines at their website as well as your states license board of medicine.

Welcome first of all!
I would recommend getting her a different doctor than her mom honestly. Maybe see if she would be interested in some therapy. Maybe even a DBT group or a group therapy in general could help a lot. It gives her something to do that is hers. If she feels like your not spending enough time try scheduling an absolute date night once every week or two weeks. Do not cancel that date set it in stone even though you have a busy schedule. That could help tremendously give her and you something to look forward to together. Even if you don't go out together but try two hours on date night no phones no social media. Just you and her. Cook something together. Take a walk. I know you must be struggling being the bipolar person in my relationship sometimes i get sat down and told when im balanced to chill out. But it helped when we started doing phone dates just me and him. Bc we are LDR we cant to actual dates due to his career. But try little things. If she's asleep when you have to leave for school/work write her a note put it on the fridge even if its just honey i love you and miss you. It could make a huge difference. But also just talk to her when she's evened out about how you feel and how she feels. both sides need to be acknowledged and heard taken into account. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time.