I think I'm bipolar and I'm having a hard time understanding and accepting it

I really need somebody to talk to somebody who understands what I'm going through. I feel like I'm crazy at times and at times I feel like I'm the most realistic, understanding and smartest person that I know but I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I may be bipolar I'm 23 years old both of my parents are bipolar as well as manic depressive and I believe my younger sister who is 19 is also bipolar as well. From the age of 16 I started smoking weed and since then I have not been able to stop. I just recently started smoking cigarettes again trying to wean myself off of marijuana but it hasn't helped I don't get the same satisfaction as I do with marijuana. Spend more money than I should with marijuana and I have convinced myself that marijuana is not a factor of my mood and the reason why I feel the way that I feel. At the age of 18 I got pregnant and I settled down and I was at home being a stay at home mom. I started cheating on my childs father, and my relationship of four years ended. I always thought I was a good housewife but I was always lazy I barely ever had the motivation to clean my house. Even know I've been driving around with a dirty car for about a month and even though it's been cold too cold to clean my car outside I still let it go on. Sometimes I wish I was like those people who have OCD or neat freaks and need to clean everything I would love to be like that I would love to have a spotless house everyday.' I also have issues with my father who in my eyes at this point is a low life and never really did much to help me or my sister or my mother. Some days I really don't know what to think or how to help myself I feel hopeless and helpless. Some days I'm in such a good mood and I'm so happy and I try to think positive then there's days where I have no motivation at all to do anything or even to think about bettering my life for me or my child. I feel so bad because I think that the weed is a major factor in my mood and my problem but I also think that I am bipolar and it has been affecting the way that I parent my child when I know that I can do a lot better as a mother. I went to school to be a pharmacy technician for a year and up until my last two classes I got straight A's. Now it's even hard just to think about not smoking marijuana just so I can get into my externship and finish the program. I dont want to feel like this anymore I just want to be better I'm starting to feel like this is normal and this is who I am when I know I can be a better person and I know I am a better person. I do have the symptoms of bipolar disorder,' again I do feel hopeless and helpless at times I do have racing thoughts as well as rapid speech. There's days where I wake up and I can be the happiest person in the world. This is also been affecting my relationship with my new boyfriend. We already have trust issues just being together a year and I have explained to him that I believe that I do have bipolar disorder so that he understands and accepts me for who and how I am. On my bad days when I'm just worried about my problems and thinking about my financial situation in my relationships I just can't help but think that things are not going to get better but he does not understand that he takes it offensively when I'm in a bad mood instead of just understanding that this is part of the way that I am right now. We even got into an argument today because he doesn't trust me even though I've done everything I can to gain his trust I've been getting violent with him and pushing him and hitting him when I get mad which i have never done. When I argue or fight with anyone I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and I'm crying and hyperventilating. I believe this started around the time when I was pregnant and after I had my son and I started feeling like I was trapped like I was helpless like there was nothing else for me to do like my life wasn't worthy enough like I wasn't good enough and I didn't feel that way before I got pregnant. My mom used to think that it was postpartum depression but it's never really gone away and my son is now 4. I've never had suicidal thoughts or thoughts about harming or hurting my child but my main focus was on smoking weed to feel better. Some days I don't know what to think about this. Sometimes I think that maybe I am just fabricating this disorder in my mind but I have read that if both of your parents are bipolar you have a 75 percent chance and to me that's reassuring enough. I want to go to the doctor to get this over with I'm so afraid of being on medication and becoming a zombie like people say you are when you get on medication and you're on it for a long time. Please help me any advice or just words of wisdom are appeciated. I feel like a crazy person and I feel like I don't deserve all the wonderful ppl in my life who have never stopped helping me no matter what I've done.

Hi hard2cope,
I haven't read UA's response so excuse me if I repeat anything.

Bipolar is just the new name for manic depression - it is the same illness, so that cuts that worry in half :)

Lots of people with bipolar self medicate and addiction is very prevalent. Starting a new addiction doesn't always help resolve an old addiction, especially when nicotine is not treating the bipolar.

Marijuana usually makes bipolar worse, whereas pharmaceutical medication used as prescribed by a psychiatrist can actually slow or halt the progression of the disease. Having the bipolar managed also does heaps towards people overcoming addiction because they don't have the same need to self medicate.

I hope I'm not overstepping the mark here but pharmacy is not usually a good career for people with addiction and self-medication problems but you know yourself best and can make up your own mind regarding that. I do not want to be presumptious, just raise that it is a job with lots of temptations.

When you mentioned your violence, that is when I kinda got really worried and thought, oh dear, this wonderful young mum really needs the support of a doctor, not just for medication but for psychotherapy. Seeing a doctor is not punishment, it helps us be closer to the people we want to be and it is supportive, nourishing and guiding. I hope you get that kind of support in your life as soon as possible.

You know what inspires me about you is that you don't try to justify anything about your behaviour that is not how you want to be as a person. You see the reality of your condition and that is brilliant. If this forum can help you get the gentle treatement support and encouragement that your medical condition requires from a medical specialist, then I am glad.

You deserve to be well, your son deserves you to be well and so does your boyfriend and all those wonderful people who see the real you and don't lose sight of the wonderful person you are at heart.

There is no need to let this illness cause you to act in ways that are against your values. I wouldn't be too concerned about taking treatment medication. It is non addictive and it will help you stop the self medicating with pot for 7 years.

Yes, there is room to grow. It takes courage, but what can be more of an incentive than the innocent little humans we bring into this world?

Psychotherapy will also help you work through your resentment towards your father, the disappointment, anger and sadness. Resolving those issues free us up to be more effective in our every day life.

Make it happen! You wouldn't have taken the time to write the post if becoming stabilised wasn't something you really wanted.

You go girl! xo

I posted earlier about lamectol and the night sweats... For the young lady 23... Please go see someone that can help you and don't be afraid... I consider myself a miracle I had 4 hospitalizations 94-98 hospitalized very manic out there I was self medicating (not medical marijuana) and using alcohol... Deep abandonment issues from living with alcoholic father and a mom that wasn't there... All these things I've uncovered from years of seeking help councekors, spiritual.. Etc. in 1998 I sought fervently for healing beyond the meds I did go 14 years without having to take the, but the last three years I found ,yield repeating old cycles. Very destructive behavior. The alcohol mixed with other substances causedme to do things uncharacteristic. I needed help again.. Professional.. Bipolar used to be a taboo word but frankly now and days I don't know too many people that have not at one time or another suffered from some for, of depression and personally I am not afraid to,share my story. I'm not ashamed. I got past that and realized there are a lot of hurting people out there... Manic people tend to go to extremes and if one has dealt with addiction they will usually find something e,se to replace that. This is where I believe a psychiatrist can help and counseling as well or a group.. Believe me I went from addiction to religious addiction after off meds for 14 years however I thank god for exposing that behavior and having mentors and practitioners that walked me through the process... I hated to have to take medication again but like one of my dear friends said its the quality of life keep pressing on ... Some side effects are rough but living in pain is too... I was more the manic highs in my 20s now 44 1/2 after being off the for 14 yr didn't drink for 7. I began using again self medicating and suffered from the severe depression... The pendulum swung that way. It's horrible either way but I am grateful to be off self medicating myself and back to a professional helping me... Prestiq and depplin have helped the lamectol well night sweats driving me nuts.. But I need help again after 14 years and trust me it's a hard thing and easy to be in denial but when the fog clears, therapy and proper medication it's amazing how you can reprogram old patterns and live again... Addiction and self medicating is not living its a dangerous path and combine that with a Che,iCal imbalance and family history it's so worth getting past the fears and seeking help. Best wishes to all