TRUST?? If you don't want to read this whole post, start reading from the 4th through last paragraph

Hello there. I love my GF, bipolar and all. She is BPII Research has been key for me in understanding the chemical imbalance. I have probably done more research than necessary because it can overwhelm. I know BP differs from individual to individual and she has her set of triggers. I am seeking direction by posting in this forum and would appreciate any insight that will help. I'm not looking for someone to tell me to just ditch her and be crass, only helpful information and insight please. I know that it's only me that can decide if I should ditch the efforts to make this work

Our Relationship's Journey to Date...

We are back together for the 3rd time. The 1st time I left her bc she was caught online cheating, when she was hypersexual. I broke up with her and she then told me she had kissed two other guys so as to give me proof I couldn't trust her. I believe her in that she didn't sleep with anyone but who knows. At the time she was at the club and drinking and well, we all know how inhibitions lower, in that setting. The 2nd time we got together was a brief month and she ended it bc she said we have too much to overcome and she couldn't see it working. about a month later, she wanted me back, saying she was in hell from missing me. It's been about 4 months at this 3rd go around and sure it's been tough but not bad and we're still together.

A side note... she online cheated on her exhusband but not until the 14th year of their 15 year marriage when she was overwhelmingly unhappy with him.

I'm over her online infidelity as she explained she had just recently divorced. When she felt like I was wanting more (a future), that stress was the trigger for her and that's why she was seeking attention online. I actually do get that as I have made mistakes in my relationships too. I cheated long ago (at a very immature age) on one girlfriend. That's been 10 years now and I've never made the mistake again and wouldn't.

In relationships, we all need reassurance. She needs it quite often and I have always given the reassurance she needed. When I need it, she is very cold. She said that isn't something she can't do well and I think it's because she's not sure (all the time anyway). I get the fact the chemical imbalance is controlling her emotions and therefore I don't take it personally, as best I can.

She is very flaky when it comes to her journals as she leaves them out. I do believe it's accidental and not on purpose but I could be wrong. I love the fact she journals and know it is an excellent tool when trying to figure out life problems. She has accidentally left her journals out a couple of times. I know I shouldn't look at them but dang it's right in front of me and I'm desperately looking for ways to trust her and let go of my resentment (it is lessening).

So there I am reading a journal entry and reading her insight/mind has been so beneficial. She spoke very awesome words about me. In that she is lucky to have me and that we share a bond unlike one she's ever known. She states she wants a future with me in the journals. She want's perfection but does know perfection in a relationship isn't rational. She fears she'll be alone forever. She knows her feelings and emotions are her own worst enemy and writes in her journal, she doesn't trust herself/emotions. She pleads to God that she can't go through life alone without the type of connection and love she has with me.

How can I trust someone who doesn't trust themselves and their emotions? She won't admit that fact to me. She doesn't realize I've seen her state the truth in her journal.

I really really want to approach this in the right way. How do I approach talking with her about trust and what it would take to trust her again? When I bring it up that she doesn't trust herself, she said it plants the seed of doubt. Having read the journal though it's obvious she dodges the answer with the justification that it plants the seed. I'm sure she lies about it for fear I'll leave her. The thing is I will leave her if that doesn't come around.

Am I foolish to believe she can be trusted? Is this a battle that I shouldn't be fighting? We have an excellent sex life, have great fun and a lot in common. Her passion is dancing and well guess what, that's one of mine too, luckily. When hypomanic & hypersexual she is imbalanced and needs help. It's not something she wants to be and is like most BP individuals, very ashamed and feels guilty.

I know I've typed a lot... this is my journal healing. I did ask a lot of questions in this post but the concern I'm at a crossroads with and really need helpful insight about... is how to approach her about trust. Do I tell her she left the journal entry out which showed the truth or what? Do I ignore the journal? I don't know how to go about the trust issue (knowing she's not being forthright). She is terrified of hurting me and if she knew it may overwhelm her and her reaction to knowing that I know.

Post Edited (SirReal) : 3/17/2014 10:53:54 AM (GMT-6)

Hey SirReal, I am so sorry that you have been struggling with a yo - yo relationship. Oddly enough, when I was younger and pre symptomatic, I was in your exactly the same position. For 4 years of my life, I felt absolutely no security never knowing if he was going to surprise me with yet another breakup for reasons that I can't comprehend. Imagine that you were driving your gf somewhere in the snow two days before Christmas and a huge ford f250 barrels right into your vehicle's windshield. What a would you do? You'd certainly breakup with her for being so dangerous and wreck less right? If you break it off then, you don't have to worry about being a dangerous person for her while she is suffering from immense pain and needs love and support the most, right. That clearly is the best way to go.... until you run two miles in a blizzard to her window to cry under hysterically while professing your undieing love. Clearly, this how you would have handled it, right? Lol.. this was my life for four years of the most manipulative, emotionally abusive hell. I stayed because I felt bad. I knew that he truly was a good person inside, but he couldn't help it. When I couldn't live with the emotional torture anymore, I realized that I also wasn't to blame for the illness either and I had a choice to not have to be the illness ' s punching bad. So I left him only to get diagnosed with bipolar disorder following a whirlwind psychotic manic nightmare 5 years later. Fun times. That is why I want to commend you for seeking a greater understanding of what the heck bipolar disorder is and how to help you both cope.
Since I have been on both sides of the fence, I know how demented and confusing an active bipolar mind can work. For this reason, I have to warn you how easily a great day could be destroyed abruptly just because they took whatever you said and misconstrued it is ways that the healthy mind could never fathom.
I can see this easily going this direction of "who are you to talk about trust, when you can't be trusted either". She is going to feel very comfortable with turning the tables against you. It really seems to me that she does not receive treatment.
Please understand that she is struggling with this disorder every moment while trying to a handle on this confusing world. She is most likely just as confused and lost as you are. Honestly, like you said , she can't even trust herself.
I truly feel that her fear and inability to trust oneself is normal and to feel out of control. My manic break felt like someone abducted my body, wrecked my life, and then returned me to clean up the mess that I have little and vague recollection of even doing. I had considered my mind to be my greatest Ali and strength as a person who had always relied on reason and logical thinking to objectively sort through the mess of the neglected and abuse filled life I had. It got me through the trauma so I wouldn't be an emotional person stifled by pain. Then I woke up one day and poof, the proverbial run was violently yanked out from under me. My most prized possession stolen and destroyed overnight. I couldn't believe that my best friend and most reliable, strongest asset was hijacked and betrayed me in the most inconceivable way. Everything that I thought I knew and relied upon vanished. If I could be betrayed by my own mind, how could I ever trust anything in this world. I felt naked, violated, empty, lost, helpless, grief and mourning, etc. Just try to imagine what that must feel like.
So, for clarification I don't think that her lack of trust is in the same context that you are talking about. I think that she was attempting to find the best way to describe the same sort of emotions I felt.
The passionate sex means nothing. It is a drug that her illness is compelling her to act on. I'm sorry, but it has more to do with her than you. I believe that she loves you and feels that connection. I also believe that consciously or not, she left the journal out intentionally as a cry for help. Perhaps she has been struggling with talking about it, since she feels shame and embarrassment, used this as a method of opening herself up and sharing her troubled thoughts and perhaps a bit of apology and thanks in the form of her profound gushing over you.

I too have written a book so for the sake of your own sanity, I will be blunt with my final thoughts. You have your own life that you need to live. You deserve to be happy and live for you. It is not a small feat to accept and open your self to a committed relationship which requires a promise of a partnership in treatment of a very unforgiving illness. This requires pure love devoid of judgment, that accepts all aspects of the illness and its consequences, and also the calm, loving support. Anger, distrust, and judgment will have her feeling helpless and emotionally distraught which is fuel for the bipolar fire. She will have periods of time that she will not be capable of reason to be accountable for the consequences of her actions, because not only can she not help it she may not even be aware enough to recognize it unless it is pointed out. However, it is not a free pass to trample you in unfettered selfish pursuits. When she comes back to reality, she needs to take ownership of her actions whether she realizes she did them and the consequences for them.

Most importantly, in order for you to have any kind of relationship with her it is imperative that she seek the proper treatment. If she is in treatment it is clearly not effective and other things need to be considered. She will never be cured. This illness requires life long consistent treatment. Under no circumstances outside of the doctors orders should she ever cease treatment nor discontinue medications, not to mention that the withdrawal many drugs used to treat bipolar disorder can be life threatening and increase the likelihood of irreversible brain damage from seizures.

She must accept, come to terms, and be objective regarding having bipolar disorder. She is and always will be the same person she always was. The illness does not define her she just happens to suffer from an illness just as a diabetic does that needs special attention. There is nothing at all to be ashamed of, because she didn't choose it, it's just a matter of genetics and it's what it is. The only thing that anyone should be embarrassed or ashamed of is ignoring, denial of it, neglecting it by not taking it seriously and like a coward or complete idiot throws their life away by not going for treatment and trying to manage it on their own. I would be mortified to look like a completely uneducated, foolish idiot that is actually so egotistical to think that I'm the only person in the world that can cure it or doctor myself while my entire world teeters on the brink of dissolution to ultimately render myself to a life of complete misery and loneliness. I personally could care less about the stigma or even the simple fact that I was born predisposed to it. I have bipolar disorder, big deal. I is what it is, and it's manageable. I don't care about the people who think that I am a psycho, useless, idiot, or whatever because I don't want such ignorant people in my life. I have also been given several gifts as a result of this illness and I wouldn't change that for the world. I certainly don't feel sorry for myself, because I don't have cancer, degenerative disorder, or anything else that is terminal.

You are going to have to do some soul searching. Be honest with yourself and don't feel guilty if you don't think that you want or are capable of being in the relationship. If you force it, you are being unfair to both of you who will be miserable and denied the love and happiness yo deserve. It is perfectly ok. You are going to have to have a serious, honest, and uncritical calm discussion with her. Apologize and tell her that she left the journal out and you read the entry for some insight; you love her and want to support her. If you want, it may be a good idea to share some of the thread (maybe edit a little). You have to be clear that there is no relationship without any help, period. It will be absolutely useless misery with empty sex and disastrous. Lovingly phrase your words and explain why. Ask that she respect you by hearing you out without interruption and offer the same to her. Just come from a loving, non accusing place. That's all I can offer right now for the sake of time. But I hope that helps you out. Feel free to contact me if you want.

Hey There SirReal,

Be careful and take care of yourself first. She should be no. 2 in your life. She betrayed you and BP you'll never know what her true intentions were.

I'm in a similar situation and am finding out about more deceitful

info every day it seems. BP folks are very destructive and some have no problem moving on to the next relationship after destroying a partner's life. I was having suicidal thoughts after what I went through but know better than to be with someone who will inflict that kind of pain on someone they love. One of my ex-girlfriend's old boyfriends jumped in front of a train and died years ago and sometimes I wonder if she drove him to that.

Don't settle for "crumbs" in a relationship, you'll end up a resentful bitter person down the road. Sure, the sex might be fantastic with your partner but is it really enjoyable when you know she's letting every Tom, Dick and Harry inside her. My partner is a super hot voluptuous fox who can get any man she wants. She was the best partner I ever had especially in the bedroom for the whole 11 years we were together. After what she put me through I realise she ain't worth it. I know she'll come knocking when her episode subsides in a month or two. I won't be there. Why? I'm not settling for crumbs from a selfish egotistical, mean rotten, promicuous, irresponsible

person who sometimes is "nice" to be around.

 

It's more of a burden on a relationship and an illness in its own to be codependant on another human being with Bipolar or Addiction. Violating privacy for the good of the relationship or demanding treatment or else is classic co-dependancy. My wife treats me like a human being with an illness like any other, strives to preserve my dignity during the humbling submission to treatments and never violates my privacy because she is healthy, manages her well being in a mature and not dependant fashion and most important helps me at my invitation not by demand and ultimatum. Great intentions OP but it's clear you may be untrustworthy and ultimately a liability to her recovery if you don't take care of your shortcomings first and stop cataloging hers along with your plan on how things must go for happiness to come about. Peace, and good luck.