New Member

I recently began seeing a new Primary Care Physician. My first appointment she asked me a question I had never been asked before. "How's your energy?" I really didn't know how to respond. I had been really struggling emotionally most of my life and brushed it off in my teen years because it seemed like "just a teen thing". Throwing temper tantrums, extreme emotional highs and lows, back and forth self esteem, irritability, violent thoughts, risky behavior (drinking, drugs, sexual promiscuity). (When you are still throwing temper tantrums at 25 it is not a "teen thing" anymore) Technically everything in my life is great. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and treats me great, a loving, supportive family that lives near by, great friends with little to no drama, a career I love that's a mile from my house. Other than the everyday problems most people face, there is nothing that bad in my life. The couple years I feel like I have emotionally spun out of control. I fight myself daily, literally its like a war in my mind. It feels like someone really mean lives in my mind and they hate me and are very hard on me. At the same time I have a lot of creeping bad thoughts and emotional outbursts with I immediately regret and beat myself up for. I obsess about things all the time. Whether I love something or hate it, once a thought is in my head its very hard to remove. Sometimes I listen to a song or a few songs on repeat for days at a time. Sometimes I watch an episode of one of my favorite shows several times. I obsess over ghosts and I am terrified of them. I can't sleep without the t.v. on, volume low. Something about the noise and flashing lights helps distract me from my fear. I constantly think ghosts are around me and I feel like I hear and feel things a lot. Actually I feel like I live in fear most of the time. Fear of myself, fear the people in my life with leave me, fear of people judging me. I lot of times I feel out of control of my speech. I will start talking and I just can't stop. Even if it is an inappropriate topic or offensive. This is extremely worrisome for me in my career. I talk to people all day and have to maintain professional relationships with them. When these talking spells happen for the negative of if I think it was wrong I feel terrible guilt. I start feeling like everyone is staring at me and they are mad at me, worrying clients wont come back because they were offended. Other times I ramble on it can create fights with loved ones bc I have a hard time shutting up and letting things go. Sometimes it seems fun, sometimes I feel like I am funny of entertaining. People have asked me if I am on speed bc I talk so fast sometimes. My coworkers usually make fun of my bc they think I had to much coffee. Gosh there is so much more but I am rambling on so anyway...

I broke down to the doctor. She said it seemed like I had been dealing with this a long time, and yea, I guess I have. She said she thought I should have a Psych Evaluation and that it sounded like a have some Bipolar symptoms. I went and saw a Psychiatrist. I was terrified honestly. The only time I have seen one I was 13. The Doc was kind of a jerk to me, made me feel very judged and stupid. He said I had depression and put me on meds. I can't remember the order but I switched a few times between Paxil, Effexor and Zoloft. I remember how I hated the way I felt on them and that's why I switched, but the last ones I took (I think Effexor) I just quit cold turkey and had withdrawls. So I was remembering a bad experience. This time was different. She was young, understanding, made me feel comfortable. She thought a lot of my symptoms sounded like Bipolar 2. Mostly because of the talking episodes, rapid cycling, risky behavior and bad thoughts. She started me on Lamitrigine 25mg a night for 2 weeks and then 50mg. At first I was relieved. It seemed like the answer to all my questions. I was excited and nervous to try this. Within a few days I starting feeling some paranoid (not unusual for me so I'm not blaming the med) I was thinking that they had given me placebos and were trying to trick me and that I am not really bipolar and that no one is and its just an excuse I am making for my behavior and there is nothing wrong with me and I just need to stop being such a selfish brat. I fought it. I kept taking them and honestly I felt calmer, slower but in a good way. Not so many urges to talk or express my feelings, and I felt more rational. Then I started getting the thoughts more, this time I didn't think they were placebos but that I was poisoning my body and I didn't need to be taking them, that I am not bipolar and I am a hypochondriac and I am making it all up. I fought it again and kept taking them. Well a lot of hardships starting happening in my life, one of them was that our only vehicle broke down and we cant afford to fix it. which is ok for me bc I can walk to work, but for my bf harder. Well he ended up losing his job, so not only are we car less, but also struggling financially. I ran out of my Rx and kept using these things as excusing for not getting it refilled. Months have gone by. I noticed myself having a lot more issues and it made me realize the meds were helping and it wasn't just in my head. Things are turning around in my life. I got up off my ass and filled my Rx and have been back on a little over 2 weeks. I wanted to join this group so have stories I can relate with hear from other people on how their meds effect them. Thank you for listening.