Jealousy

I hate it when I get jealous. It consumes me and I can't break out of it. It's a monster that inhabits my body and mind and wants revenge. I act out and seek vengeance.

I went to visit my boyfriend in the hospital and there he is having a conversation witha beautiful young blond. I became very hurt and jealous. I want to hurt my bf the same way he hurt me. I try to make him jealous. I tell him something that I could do. I don't or wouldn't ever do this but he doesn't know it.

It works. He's very jealous. It's now into the second day and everything is spoiled because he is so jealous and now distrustful all because of my big mouth. I did not mean the hurtful words I spoke. Just wanted to get even. But he's pondering them. I asked for forgiveness. I tell him how immature and mean spirited I had been...and how jealous I had been and that I was sorry. He accepted my apology. I thought everything was fine.

The next phone call two hours later...he's still bringing up what I said and is jealous. Arrrggghhhh.......

If I had been able to control my emotional impulsive reaction of jealousy and let it go, knowing how much my bf loves me and that it meant nothing that he was talking to someone else, none of this would have happened. However, for the past two weeks before his hospitalization I thought he had lost interest in me. I felt unloved. He didn't call. I didn't know he was having a nervous breakdown. I was already feeling insecure that he was about to break up with me and seeing him talking to that girl just triggered me. I'm not excusing my behavior...just explaining it.

Does anyone know how to overcome a jealous waterfall and come out dry from under it without ruining everything? Jealousy is horrible for me but luckily I don't experience it very often at all.