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Today is take offense day.....

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Posted 8/19/2005 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
 Okay just a forewarning, I don't feel well today, I hate that I have BP. I hate that everyday I have to juggle what f**** mood is coming next and the whole unexpectancy of it. I want to wake up and feel like everyone else. I want to throw my meds away , are they helping anyways? eyes I wish I didn't think all the time and overananlyze everything, I wish i could be nicer to people. When I am nice , sometimes depending on who it is , I think I am pretending to be nice. I get so sick and tired from going like 3 days in a row of nothing but high energy and good mood, to bam f******tired. Sorry Wontan but my fulll blown BP is in high gear today. I usually say don't take offense, but I am not going to. I just might take a break for a few days or longer. I simply have too many things in my head. YES I am all over the place....because my meds only help for 3 days in a row. I don't want to see my doc every darn month. I feel that I am young I should see him once a year for a check up and that's it. Then add my f****** diabetes on top of that, ohhhhhhhhh I am just peachy. I would love to go somewhere and not have to worry about my freakin sugar . It's all a pain in my a**. That's exactly what it is. I feel like the most moodiest ***** ever to walk. Yet when I leave my house today , I will smile cause some people expect me to be f****** weird, or do something strange. Tired ............................ mad
Posted 8/19/2005 3:27 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Nickie tongue I consider myself forewarned...lol! Do not even think about going off your meds hon...I know u dont feel well today, but that is today. I know I hate it too. These fng mood swings are putting me waaaayyyy over the edge. And if one more person gives me the "What is wrong?" I swear I will NOT be responsible for my actions! You cant  be the biggest b****, because I AM. Just ask Kev, my sister,etc.! Wish u were here, we could just abuse each other, and then make up tomorrow :-) .  I dont wish these feelings on anyoone, but sometimes I wish just once they could LIVE it, like we have to, then I think they would be able to understand us. How many times have u said.."It isnt my fault"? I should get it tatooed. Altho, when I got my belly pierced I almost died of pain....hence no tatoos on the Patster. Kevin is leaving on Monday sad  So I am already freakin'. Ya' know Nick, I hate that about myself. I used to be so friggin independent in every aspect, but since Kevin and I got together, over the years it is like, slowly, w/o me even realizing it..I feel like the old Patti is gone and I dont like this Patti.She is too needy. Not like me. Maybe that is it...hmmm either a split personality or something? Honey, I think overanalyzing is part of this horrific game we are subjected to play. I do the SAME thing and I know Shannon does also. Wether u like it or not we love your personality..you crack Shannon and me up. But babe everyone has that bad day. Like I said I wish u were here we could do lunchon the beach! I am online, I will keep checking back so we can talk. hey, you r cool, you will be OK.

Love,

Patti scool   

Posted 8/19/2005 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Nickie, you deserve a day of "why me" and "get the f*** out of my way" we all do. This isn't fair. And you were dealt a double dose of not fair!! So Bit** on girl, I'm listening. Maybe It'll be my turn next.

Hey Patti, we haven't met, I'm Sandra.
Posted 8/19/2005 4:16 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, by the way Nickie when you are feeling better I've got a great idea I think you will like so email me. Okay? Love you
Posted 8/19/2005 5:03 PM (GMT 0)

Hey, Nick, I'm sorry, I know exactlyhow ya feel.   I told Paul the same thing about the 3-4 day good mood thing, and that I never know which one I'll be in when I wake up.  Funny, we should put it exactly the same way.  I was being a total ***** this a.m., and with the "why me's" too. mad   The remote was between the couch cushions, Paul is always putting it somewhere I can't find, so I went back there to ask if he knew where, he said in the cushions, and I was like "was it too much trouble to get it out??????!!!!!!!"  Then he got mad and I started crying. sad   He helped me out of it, but of course I felt really bad.  I did MAKE myself do a high intensity workout that I DIDN'T want to do and it actually helped, the shower did too.  In an ok mood now.  Maybe try doing your kickboxing?  Take it out on the air, girl!  Oh, and if it makes you feel even better, you can tell me to f*** off, too! yeah

You know we all love ya and totally understand where you are.  Even when meds work we are still going to go through periods of mood swings.  Sometimes a longer period of stable, then it goes to crap.  That's just the nature, just know we understand and don't ever apologize for it, thats why we're all here, right?

I'll check in from time to time, Pauls in the shower right now. 

Pats and Sandra, i'm not forgetting about you!   I hope you are doing ok today! :-)

Posted 8/19/2005 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Sandra! Welcome and its nice to meet you! get used to me as I virtually live here. I have several illnesses, but my friend there in no Forum like this one. Nickie and Shannon are the best...except me of course...LOL!!!!!! Take care and I am always here for you.  Take care babe and be well.

Patti

[Moderator note:  Patti, if you have problems on the forum, please let me know at [email protected] rather than posting it where it might get overlooked.]

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/19/2005 3:02:59 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/19/2005 7:23 PM (GMT 0)

I totally hear all of you today. I am feeling the same frustration and exhaustion over the whole BP thing. The medication induced fog and depakote are working to keep the anger at bay which helps to conserve what energy I have left. I am convinced it has to do with the fact that the moon is full, regardless of how crazy that sounds.

I woke up this morning and felt completely hung over, despite the fact that I was in bed early after a very theraputic evening with some girlfriends and two large pots of decaf tea. I could barely stand up, I was so dizzy and just managed to make it to the kitchen and get my fingers working enough to take my medicine. Turns out that I forgot to take one pill yesterday and I'm so sensitive to the stuff that its only starting to kick in and settle me out 4 hours later. I have to go get bloodwork done to check my med levels, but all week I've been a shaking, stuttering, dizzy mess at work and home. I don't think that I've had one drink all week that I haven't spilled and I had to pick up an entire, full, bottle of pills that I spilled the other night when I couldn't get that stupid childproof top off. I conveniently spilled ice cream on my shirt yeserday from the shaky hands. The stain strategically located itself on the most visible portion of my chest while I was out around town. I felt more like Spongebob than Barbie, but whatelse is new confused

I know that I sound like a total nutter, but I'm convinced that the full moon has something to do with it. I've read all the research that disproves the lunar phase phenomenon, but it happens consistently with me. I never made the connection, but my dad who is Mr. Objectivity pointed it out. Although he isn't BP, he's successfully winning a battle with severe depression through meds and pdoc support and he finds the same sleeplessness, agitiation and restlessness happens like clockwork. He says: "If the moon can change the tides, think of what it can do to a little bird like you"…

Regardless of the source, it doesn't get any less frustrating. I guess the important thing to remember is to attempt to maintain some sort of perspective - there will always be people in the world willing to deal with BP rather than their own more physically debilitating disease. One wildly manic afternoon of spring cleaning in a fit of domestic bliss with the fresh air streaming in the windows would probably seem like ecstasy in paradise to someone who has been bed ridden for years.

The biggest help for me is knowing there is an army of people who are waging the same battle against the madness in their own bodies.

Thanks for all the support girls and have faith that things will be better,

Putter
Posted 8/19/2005 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Putter. I wont say welcome as u r not new...am I a freak or is it just my epilepsy (vicious short term memory), but didnt I used to see u in the UC Forum? Anyway, I have UC but I am probably mistaken, I probably saw u here. Not to pry (but I will anyway) are u a man or a woman? Not that it matters, just nosy...LOL!!!! I am no longr posting in the UC forum, so if I am not crazy and u indeed do have Ulcerative Colitis..look for me here or in the Crohn's Forum. I have a TON of new info to share, so let me know. I hope and pray that u do not...it is a HORRIFIC DISEASE. Take care and be well. And dont be a stranger...this is a FUN room!

All the best,
Patti;~)

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/19/2005 3:05:32 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/19/2005 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Patti,
See my comment in your previous post above.

Peter
Posted 8/19/2005 10:02 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Kitty and Putter

Feelin your pain. I have no energy these days after spending all week taming what I consider to be hypomania, what my pdoc calls mania. Regardless, it stinks. I have no energy at work, at home, and my realtionship with my soon to be husband has now taken a turn for the worse. Shall I blame BP or me-who is in control anyhow? I try hard not to be the victim, but sometimes I get so angry too. I mean, every day we are reminded of what we face with the million pills we take that ravage our bodies with shakes, bloat, and dopiness, etc, with the fact that we shouldn't drink a nice glasss of red wine without paying for it for weeks to come,and how that 20 pounds of blubber is necessary to stay well, even though I feel worse b/c my clothes don't fit and I am not the person I used to be.  I try so hard not to be mean, but in the throes of mania I am nothing short of a monster. I am now on 700 mg of seroquel, 1200 mg lithium and the mirapex in small doses-my GP was astonished that I am able to stand up in the morning. As for the moon, even my pdoc told me that it is a reasonable theory. He told me about the cycle of a clam (he is a bit different, but I have come to trust him, he always ends up being right) and how when a clam is taken away from the tide, etc and placed in a mine shaft, it can still maintain it's life cycle-oh bother , that probably doesn't make sense. But really, stress, weather, time changes, pms, moon cycles, lack of sleep, and a billion other things can flare BP. We are ultra sensitive people who get affected and suffer the wrath. Are there good days, Sure. But Kitty, thanks for letting us share the cra**y times as we all need to do now and then. B*itch on sisters!!! (and brothers!)

Shan

Posted 8/19/2005 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, All!  So weird how everybody is coming together today about feeling crappy.  I thought it was just me, having that every few days bad day.  I didn't realize the moon was full!  I DO believe the theory, because everytime I happen to see the full moon, it's on a day I feel tired or *****y.  I don't really believe in coincidences.  After all, if the energy of the moon can influence the tides (water), and our bodies are made of mostly water, why couldn't that happen?  Brain chemicals are also liquid.    Just my own theory, but I didn't realize it affected all of you that way, too!

Shannon, you are soooooooo right about all those little factors affecting our moods!  It is so dependent on weather, environment, sleep patterns, etc.  It's a full time job taking care of ourselves in spite of meds, huh? 

I am worried about you, hon - your doc is right - it's mania.  You are on a LOT of Seroquel in addition to lith, hard to believe your still having trouble!  I don't know what to say about that, except maybe hospital time to get you back and I know that's out of the question for you.  I am so sorry, it's awful!   I think we ARE victims to a certain extent, it's a horrible illness, but we can do a lot to take control.  But even then it's never really consistent, right?  It will always sneak up and mess with you to some degree.   One good way is that whatever is giong on will pass.  If I was feeling down and thought it would never end, I would have a really hard time, and it might beat me.  But Paul always reminds me, it may change later today or tomorrow.  (Rapid cycler, Nickie knows)!

I am so thankful for this forum, really.  I think we all feel guilty *****ing about our bad moods to people who don't understand, they're like "what is complaining about it giong to help?"  But with all you guys, it's OK!

Anyway, enough analyzing.  I do hope all of you feel better tomorrow, and me too!

Shannon

Posted 8/20/2005 12:01 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Shannon 1

No need to worry luv! The seroquel is a lot, but it helps me sleep (along with the occassinal clonazapem) which is half my battle. The latest increase in lithium makes me sleepy during the day , but other than that we get along! I would go to hospital if the pdoc told me it was time, but he hasn't yet. I have good support (most of the time!) and my judgement is fairly intact so I believe he is not worried that I'll totally lose it. I always go in to see him within a week of a bad spell, something he says most don't do so he is not worried I guess. I would love the time off, I feel burned out and I still have one yr left of nursing, one of the hardest.Yikes. You are very right though, it does get better, this "disorder" is like a fine art, walking on a tight rope. Mixed, rapid cycling, gawd do I know. Coincidence that we aRE all having a hard time-I know we live in different places but...could it be? Anyhoo thanks for your concern, we;ll be in touch again!

Shan

Posted 8/20/2005 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, good, I wasn't sure how bad you were having it; I'm glad it's not hospital bad!  And I'm glad you go when you need to!

I know how hard the school is, it can be a bear!  I did miss quite a bit of time when I was working due to moods and physical manifestations of  it, migraines, IBS, gastritis, etc.  I probably missed a day or two every other week toward the end.  I don't have any of those problems anymore yay!

Yeah, I don't think it's coincidence about yesterday's whine session, lol!  I 'm doing fine today, how is everybody??

 

Posted 8/21/2005 12:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Shannon, no, I don't either. I was feeling pretty rocky myself. I actually got on to say that, but wow, everyone was already there before me!! That's what I get for living on the west coast! Just feeling a bit wobly on my hinges today, but okay, except that I started screaming at my computer game so I figured it must be time to turn the d*** thing off!!

Love you guys
Posted 8/21/2005 3:43 AM (GMT 0)

Hi, Sandra!  Yeah, when you are screaming at fictional objects, it's probably time to take a break, lol.  I just hate when that happens!

Well, you don't sound tooooooo bad, I hope you are doing a little better now, and then there's always tomorrow, right? 

Sleep well, sweetie - let us know how you're doing tomorrow, OK? :-)

Shannon

Posted 8/21/2005 12:41 PM (GMT 0)

Morning....

Well, when I went to take my night meds I figured out why I wasn't haven't such a hot day!! I hadn't taken my morning meds, oooopps. I should have known. The morning will go along just fine and into the afternoon I'll start to feel a little wonky and minor stress will start to seem, well, stressfull and things that should easily be blown off, aren't.

Hey Shannon, can I email with an idea I have that I think is pretty good?

Posted 8/21/2005 1:03 PM (GMT 0)

Well, I'm glad you found out why!!!!   Funny how meds can make a difference?  Sorry for the sarcasm, lol! cool

Of  course you can email me!   yeah   No need to ask, sweetie! :-)

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