Bipolar, maybe but I need advice

I was a bit wordy last time so I will keep it short and to the point.

My wife and I have been married for seven years but separated the last 13 months. We have two children and share custody. Prior to meeting me my wife was diagnosed with depression, suffered a sever eating disorder in college, contracted a permanent STD, and had numerous unhealthy relationships. She is a mental health professional which makes our situation more complicated. We both lied throughout our relationship at various stages for our own reasons, she admitted to an emotional affair after many denials and arguments, and I had an emotional affair as well. I was married previously but that was a young military mistake that is long gone, but I felt it was relevant information.

My wife emotionally detached long ago. I recognized this, asked questions like, is it me or the depression? Is there someone else? Of course she would deny everything. We went to couples therapy with her old therapist (from her past relationships) and she left pissed off. She said I gave the therapist my sob story and cried so she sided with me. That was the end of therapy. I had no idea the extent of control that comes along with eating disorders, but in retrospect, I am seeing everything now. Maybe even narcissistic. I don't know.

Throughout our separation her lies continued but she only focused on mine while married. She was calling an ex for years meanwhile denying everything even after I showed her phone records. She continues to live as if I owe her meanwhile failing to acknowledge her own issues. She researched my ex an called her to find information on me from the past - just to show you the extent of the madness. Seven years ago she threatened suicide and again five months ago. She was fine when other men were giving her attention but now that it stopped it's my fault (according to her). I was responding to the i love you texts and phone calls until recently and she lost her mind again. She seems fine if I'm available but the minute I pull away and try to move on with my life she gets desperate and tries to manipulate and control me.

It's the lies; lack of accountability, entitlement, control, suicide threats, everything. She wrote an email to her friend, that I read while snooping, and she said she may be bipolar. I think she is; antisocial, something. She is emotionally all over the place. She won't divorce me. She wants to keep me around to make sure I'm sorry for what I've done to her. I look at it as I'm trying to move on and not dwell, but she see's things differently. The abuse, control, and manipulation just doesn't seem to end.

I went back to see her therapist for some insight and she shared a few things with me that were alarming. My wife shared my emotional affair and made no mention of her own. Her lies for years, and dating others while separated. Nothing. She seems to justify what she did because she was unhappy, and of course, there is no justification for my mistakes. She seems to like the victim role.

Any ideas? Advice? How do I move on? Is she bipolar?

Hello lw724,

Welcome to the forum! I am sorry to read all that you have been through.

As RedWing said, only a psychiatrist will be able to diagnosis someone with Bipolar. They will do an evaluation on the person and then make a diagnosis.

Counseling also helps. Please continue with it as it will help you to see things clearly and feel better. You have to be honest in therapy in order for it to work. If your wife did not mention what she did, then the therapist would not have been able to help her.

You may need to let go to move on. Take care of yourself now. You have been through a lot. Continue with counseling and do things for yourself/treat yourself.

Please know that we are here for you. I hope things will improve soon.

UA