Hello all! I'm new and am looking for support!

Hello!

First, let me mention I am not the forum/chat sort of person, so if there are any common decencies, rules, our boundaries I happen to cross, please inform me so I know!

I will try to shorten things so this doesn't become too lengthy. Alright, so I am a 23 year old female, I have struggles with mood and anxiety for the majority of my life. It first manifested as severe social anxiety when I was quite young, I began refusing to go to school in third grade, I'm not sure why, it quickly worsened, and by age 12 I would not enter stores, or other crowded areas, I would have my mother count the number of people on the library before I could walk inside, I was severely "emotional neglected" so they say, as my parents would most times not speak to me or give me any sort of guidance, advice, never told each other we loved each other, or spoke of feelings, etc. I still to this day hardly know one thing about either of them. I always locked myself inside my room. I was afraid of the dark, the bathroom door being closed, etc. I was diagnosed as depressed at the age of 13, and began taking zoloft. It did really well for me, I remember sitting on the kitchen counter and speaking to my mother for the first time in ages and also laughing again, not just laughing, but laughing fits for several minutes. I went into foster care at the age of 15. I was diagnosed Bipolar II. Seroquel was the go to for foster kids but it made me sleep too much. I was put on Lamictal and Zoloft shortly after, which I believed worked well for me, because I remember this being the only stable and happy time in my life. I ran away 3 months before turning 18 and began my life on my own as an adult.

Now, to my current situation. (I said this wouldn't be lengthy right? Geez.) For the following 2 years, I was able to mange myself without any medication. Anxiety here and there and bouts of depression, but not too severe. At age 20 I began having anxiety/possibly panic attacks in social situations. I became very isolated, broke nearly all ties with friends and family, and refused to go out. I would even call out from work on a "bad day" with one excuse after another, even going to the ER so I would have a doctors note for work. In my depressive episodes, I lose most of my ability to care for myself in any way, I sleep all day, i won't clean (I can't even seem to mange to close my dresser drawers), it is a hassle to shower and I often just end up sitting in the shower, and I hardly eat at all (after my latest I have dropped down to 95 lbs from 115, however I am 4'11", but this is quite small for me, because I generally am quite fit, muscular, and exercise quite often when I'm not down). At my current job I was experiencing sever anxiety (I'm a server in a bar), I believed all of my coworkers hated me (all thought they assure me they all love me to death), anytime I heard someone laugh I felt it was about me, I would want to speak up but couldn't seem to in any way. I get quite self destructive when upset, binge drinking, drugs, promiscuously craving sex, and suicidal ideation. I began a relationship with a coworker, which was amazing for the first couple of months, then became rocky, then extremely unhealthy. I depressively blamed myself, assumed I was no longer capable of managing my mood or emotions and sought medical help.

I began taking Lamictal and Zoloft around three months ago. I did as my doctor recommended, beginning with 25mg lamictal for two weeks, 50mg for another two, and then up to 100mg. However, I was so depressed at the time, I took it of my own accord to begin my zoloft early, before the two week stabilization of lamictal. Then, I somehow convinced myself that the lamictal was keeping me from being as creative and "myself" as before, that I really only needed help with my depression and anxiety, and so I quit the lamictal. I have been doing alright since the medication. I have been holding in depth conversations with regulars, coworkers, and I'll even go so far as to say I have actual FRIENDS to have conversations with now. I have been working hard to re establish my social health. I journal any negative emotions the ought the day. And I am practicing the many limbs of yoga practice, and finding much peace in Buddhism. However, writhing my CLOSEST relationships, I have recently become very irritated, having outbursts, uncontrolled short bursts of anger, I can be very head stron and opinionated. But I am worried about how much of this behavior is connected with my Bipolar disorder... Or if it is actually my own attachment style or just personality. This is what I am currently struggling with. I began taking my lamictal again a few days ago, after a particularly heated argument with my boyfriend (whom is possibly very manic as well), now I feel possibly even more manic after the lamictal, I'm on my phone googling topic from topic that pops into my head, pacing my room, have a seemingly heightened need for self destructive behavior and social interactions, I have a million ideas, of which I can't put even one into action because I'm too busy coming up with them, however I'm still not interested in taking care of myself or cleaning (which is abnormal for me unless depressed) however I find myself dancing around my room to my favorite song, as my boyfriend irrately curses and messages terrible things to me on my phone.

So, sorry to have wrote a lot more than expected, but I suppose of anyone is willing to offer any advice or similar experiences it would be of much help and I would greatly appreciate feelings as if I'm not completely alone in this. What sort of effects can I expect once my mood has "stabilized"? What are some of your common experiences with "mood swings"? (I'm still not completely certain I want to categorize what I go through as mood swings or just interpersonal problems) Does anyone have any advice or support of managing healthy relationships with loved ones while struggling with some mood disturbances? I have realized that my relationship with my boyfriend may HAVE to end, alrhough he is wonderful, he tends to criticize me or demean me for any objection I may have to him, and blames it on my mood disorder, so it has become hard to communicate. Does anyone have advice in regards to asking for support, patience, and understanding from my boyfriend?

Thank you very much if you were able to give this lengthy post a read! I looke forward to meeting and writing with you all!

Thanks!
TuhPus

i did read and i am vision impaired. diabetic retinapathy. well......mood, interesting, mine being a rapid cycling i go in and out of up and down very quickly. did i read you are type 2. tried to find it but couldn't. all the things you are doing are fantastic. keep them up. lamictal me too. i am on 600mg a day. are you having your levels regularly checked? lamictal is slow to start as you know and can make you feel a tad yuck whilst adjusting your levels. depression and anxiety, sadly can and do go hand in hand. i live with anxiety and panic attacks. big expletive ones. i use no medication, just coping skills. i would strongly recommend you engage in some therapy based help. alike you i have massive past trauma, big time, and therapy really helped. in terms of your relationship...........if it is solid and loving things will work out. cilly is right, open and honest non blaming communication is required. when you know, all of you know what support for each other is required then things are less negating. i too follow a Buddhist way. i practice mindfulness and compassion, and do some of the teachings. not saying that this is the answer though. keep well. i struggle with big posts but i had a crack. sending healing thoughts your way.

cilly said...
Hello TP,
I have a BP husband indenial and after years of spending time with him I can certainly say few things which might help you if you care and want to get some insights-but i am no doc.

Emotional stability is very important so be careful with what partner you are ,you feel connected and not someone who abuses you or manipulates you as unless you are internally fragile you cannot take abuses.

END all other flings as it cannot heal empty feeling you have .

Self -Image is very important in BP i have seen .
try to work on that ,have a support system where you can rely on without feeling judged or laughed at .
It is sheer hard work as i can understand as I have seen BP upclose and watch it everyday .

I can possibly write a book on this disorder sometimes i feel ,,j/k.

Love ,warmth,compassion,patience,understanding is what you need in partner but if you have someone who is himself having mania is very difficult .You might have to stay away from him for few days as its very TOXIC.
try to change pills and keep in touch with doc.

have a meeting with BF and don't be confrontational ,tell him how you feel but no blaming .

keep posting !!

Hi cilly! (I hope I'm replying properly lol) And thanks for replying it means a lot to me :) it's nice to know that there are others out there that go through some of the same things and that I'm not alone...

You must be really strong to be so supportive of your husband. I believe I read tour post yesterday and took your advice about asking my BF for a meeting. He mostly just didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to set a date or time or anything, said he wasn't going to allow me to "demand" a meeting from him, and said he couldn't be bothered and was going to a show with some friends. I am rethinking the relationship and believe at this point it might not be the healthiest situation in my current part of my journey lol

I have pretty set moral values, so I never cheated or tried anything like that while together. However when we "break up" for a week, I find myself craving to date in a very self soothing almost spiteful sort of way. Drugs, smoking (when I quit for several months) and impulsive thoughts I struggle with are mostly almost a self punishment sort of feeling, like I messed everything up again so I have to destroy my body because of it.

For clarity, are you saying your husband is Bipolar or Borderline? There are certain things that don't make sense to me about my BF as during an argument he will accuse me of being angry before I actually am, says I won't own up to something after all we have talked about is my owning up to things while he doesn't take responsibility for his own behavior, says I'm justifying right after he tells me the way he reacted was all MY fault, etc. I can only imagine it's projection. He seems to be constantly victimized, views himself as constantly under attack and criticism, and has even recorded our phone calls "to use for later". Have you ever experienced any of this? I am at a breaking point, he makes me feel like I am the only one with a communication problem and I have even begun to question myself and if I really am this crazy and just don't notice it...? He has clear moments.. And seems to always come back upset and saying he realizes what he must have done to me, that I'm like no one else he's met, that he never wants to fight again, and then a month later does it again and in his mind I'm the big bad guy again.

I'm no saint, I tend to get frustrated and have QUICK but intense burst d anger, calling and texting repeatedly, I can be manipulative with the way I try to get him to answer the phone, and usually when I calm down can let go be back to my regular self by the next day as long as things don't continue to escalate.

Thanks again for your comfort and advice :) it helped me to acknowledge I might not be I'm the healthiest of situations, as I don't believe either of us might be capable at this point in time to support one another the way we individually need :/ which I hate. But I understand.

UserANONYMOUS said...
Hi TuhPus,

Welcome to the forum ! I am glad you joined us.

I am sorry for everything you have been through. I suffer from depression and there are days when I don't feel like doing anything. Doing simple things like getting off bed, taking a shower, eat can be tedious when I'm down. I attended therapy for a while. I did DBT which helped me.

Does your bf know about your dx? I would suggest you talk to him about him to ensure he understands what may be causing the shifts in moods. This may or may not help him understand his moods as well. Ensure he knows that you care and you are there for him.

I hope the Lamictal will work for you. If you think you need an adjustment, talk to your doctor about it. Counseling can also help as well. It works together with meds. I learned a lot of coping skills in therapy.

I am glad you're practicing yoga. It can be very relaxing. Keep posting, it helps you feel better.

Keep us updated on how you're doing.

Take Care

UA

Thank you for you reply!

I know how detrimental depression can be :/ it does seem to help to at least talk about it, without judgment, knowing we are not alone.

My boyfriend does know about my diagnosis. In fact, sometimes I feel like once I trusted him with that information, it became ammunition for every one of our arguments. I bring up the smallest disagreement, where we want to eat, how we made plans and he changed them last minute, and his response will most certainly be "don't get like that" "did you forget to take your meds this morning?" Or "I can see you about to spiral downward, I'm not going to deal with it" Which leaves me feeling super confused because I know I'm not ALWAYS in an absurd mood, and makes me feel a lot more out of it than I know I actually am. (Sorry to speak so much of my relationship, I guess it's a most current pressing issue, and there's probably a different forum for that)

Yoga is helping a LOT. And I hope the lamictal will work out as well, I will see I guess, as long as side effects aren't too bad, I imagine I will give it a fair go.

Thank you for your supple and stay strong ^_^

TuhPus, I understand what you mean. I do have trust issues. There have been times when I confided in someone and they brought it up later on when it was not necessary and used it to make me feel bad.

Take Care

UA