I have hit depression, no more mania or hypo.

   Today is bad. I have hit depression. This is the first time I have cried in a while, although oday is or would of been my pap's b-day. But someone wanted him more than me I guess. I am tired and beat , and really don't know what to write. But I do know how I feel. I would also like to say i am truly sorry if I have hurt anyone in any way , shape or form. I can't see how I am , when I am hypo or manic till days later when I go back and read soem of my posts. So I think I have been hateful, nasty and rude, but I am sick.I just want you to know before you cast any judgement on me. I accept everyone here for who they are, and I am just wanting the same in return. ..... So please understand that I am going through a very tough time , and my stress level is excruiating. I noticed that yesterday at school, my surg tech. peple got to see a side of me, that i didn't want them to see. I have another year with these girls. I was embarassed today and apologized, there response was that of sorry nicole, we knew something was wrong, glad your better today. i really snappped at some rude people in my physics class, and 4 girls from my surg classes are in there. i want to go to the doc, but am having trouble getting there, like feeling physically run down. No one at school knows I am Bipolar except my Instructor , that's only becasue it's on my physical. i hope the girls just thought i was ahving a stressful day, I don't want them to know. (fear) Anyways, my pap and I were close , and I miss him. This has been waying on me for a long time. My nan said today, why  can't husbands and wives go at the same time , I broke down. She has already bought her place right next to him at the cementary. It's creepy when I go to put flowers there, her name is there. I am closer to her than  my mom, she accepts me for me, and loves me soooooo much. i am the only grand-daughter out of the four of us. So me and her are really close. She cried most of the day, and I left schoolearly to be with her. I have a hard time with death and understanding it. i know I am young, but I just would of thought I could be storng for my nan and I couldn't. Well thanks for reading. It helps ease the pain to type. Wish you all well, talk later.

Nickie, I'm so sorry.  I was really tight with my Grampa too, and he actually died in my arms.  I will never forget that, and I just try to remember all the great times, I know it sounds cliche.   Figures you would be having a bad time on teh day of his birthday.  Your post actually made me cry, I so understand trying to hide the "bad" part of ourselves.  You have done nothing, repeat NOTHING wrong here!  Speaking your mind does not make you bad!   We all NEED each other!  I honestly don'tknow what I would do without all of you, it's such a lonely existence all alone with it.  I mean, no other BPs to share with, because nobody understands like we do.

I wish I could make it better for you.  I don't understand death, either, and I would be inconsolable if something happened to Paul, for eternity.  

Can you get Jason to watch Jaylynn when he gets home?  You need to have some chill time, to try to recharge.  YOu carry an awful load with school, home life and being a mom.