separation with BP wife of 6 years; together for 12 years

Hi all. I hope I can keep this a little short, but I'll add as much information as I can since I'm so lost in all of this that it's hard for me to see the bright light to help guide me.

I have been with my wife for 12 years. We have been married for 6 years.

I always believed our marriage was one based on mutual love. I have always and still love her more than anyone else in my life.

I am 35 years old and she is 32. We have a 4 year old daughter who means the world to both of us.

In our 12 years, I've always found it a struggle to know when my gf/wife would be happy or sad. She could wake up happy, I would go and have a shower and then she'd be sad. I tried for years to understand, to make her feel loved and generally happy but I never knew what I was doing wrong.

I thought several times about leaving her over the years. Not because I don't love her, but because I always felt as if I couldn't make her happy.

I have been recently looking through pictures and videos of us before and after marriage, and I know we've been happy together. It's never as it always is in the pictures, but I know what I know.

I work with computers and she works as a librarian. When we first dated, I welcomed her into my home and helped her get through her Masters and into the library field. She had a large debt and I made it my mission to help her through it all.

During our relationship, we had to move from a bigger city to a town we both didn't want. But we made the best of it, and after a year or so we decided to try and get pregnant. We were so happy and still are with our daughter.

During our time in this little town, I felt that all the work I wanted to put into the house was beyond my expertise, and because of her smaller salary and being a 10 month employee, it became difficult to see beyond the means we had.

I became 'lazy' and distant from my wife during that time. It lasted about 3 years. I became somewhat addicted to videogames, and played at night because I felt a distance with my wife. I tried to encourage her to do things with me, but being from a small town and tight on money it was always a task to do things.

In our third year of being in this home, she met a man at work. He was nice with her and always supported her work. She became very close and it seemed that I was finally able to see my wife happy from time to time. I didn't expect what comes next.

Over time she began talking with him more and more often. He would buy her gifts at work and just generally show much more interest in her than he would with any other woman. I recall even making jokes about 'her other boyfriend'.

It became apparent to me shortly in that time that I was losing her. It was also around this time that she started to see her doctor about being depressed. I didn't know how to help her then, and I still find it a struggle to work with it now.

After being poorly diagnosed and having her cry after her doctor visits, it became clear to us that she finally needed a new doctor. Where we're from, it's a process that can be done but takes a while. I was able to get her with a doctor close to mine, and finally we had her see someone new. She was referred to a counselor who then referred her to a therapist.

After several sessions, she was then referred to the psychiatrist because it became obvious that she was taking the wrong sort of medication. Still, I did not understand the whole situation.

During this whole time, we had decided to move again as our daughter was going to be attending school. It made sense, but again I was taking her somewhere she didn't want to be. I wasn't helping her with her unhappiness and that horrified me.

After we moved, I was asked to assist in the meeting with the psychiatrist. After I showed up, it was brought to my attention that she had considered suicide. She was so unhappy with and so distant from me, that she had also been considering leaving me. She never once approached me about the subject, never once talked to me about her misgivings of me (i.e. me being lazy and inattentive)

I didn't know what to think or do, and still during all of this time I knew she had been talking more and more with this man she knew from work. I put all my trust in my wife and this man. He is married with two children.

I have never been an abusive husband nor have I ever controlled her as her husband, so I allowed her to spend more and more time with him. I started to have my doubts as well as our closer friends.

Shortly after, we were supposed to all go as couples to a concert. It didn't work out and it came to be that her and him would go by themselves. That his wife would stay home with their children, and that I would stay home with mine. This was a huge mistake.

That day they spent all day together. She claims 'nothing happened', but it's obvious to me that there was finally a time for them to be affectionate with each other. She came home the next day much later than I expected, and they had shared a room together. I do believe her when she tells me they never had sex, but I know there was something more than just an emotional relationship as she told me.

I believe that she kissed him. I believe that he 'touched' her and that they spent the night close to each other. I assume these things because it's how things go in these situations.

A couple weeks later, and after several times of seeing him and insistently texting with him, she went out for tea with him. She came home that night after 12am crying. She told me that they had made a decision not to see each other. I believe his wife found something, maybe a text, about their indiscretions at the concert. His wife is the one to have initiated that talk.

After our own talk and the succession of days, it became apparent to me that she was in love with him. She told me so and tried to explain that she wanted more out of her relationship with me, that in another life she'd of been with him and lived a life with him and not me.

We had made a pact that she end all communication with him, but after approaching her and seeing in her face, she had not been committed.

I made the hardest and poorest decision of my life: I gave her an out. I gave her the option to either be happy with him, still not understanding the concept of being bipolar, or to stay with me and work on our marriage. We made love shortly after and she told me that I was what she wanted. I believed her.

Because I wanted her friendship to continue with him, that's where I believe it ended what we have. She became obsessive about texting him. She still is. She is constantly texting with him, all day and every day. she hides her phone from me all the time, and although I don't know officially, I know they still talk about their love for one another.

After working hard in an interview process that we all helped her work through, she finally got and accepted a job offer paying her almost 20,000$ more yearly than she had been. During this time, I spent days trying to show her that I was changing from the person I was to the man I promised her to be. She left for the night to go see a friend and clear her head, obviously distraught by the guilt of being in love with another man and still trying to work through our marriage.

After our daughter was in bed, I spent the night trying to finish a project she had wanted to badly, so I got to painting. She came home earlier than I expected. I expected a smile and happy wife, seeing that I could do different, that I could help with things. Do things as her husband.

She came in with a scowl and asked what I was doing. That just doing things now did not fix the years of my being lazy. I believe that moment is when I finally started to break down.

She sat me down, and without remorse or any emotion, she told me she was going to leave me. I tried to ask her to reconsider, to work through with me in counselling. Anything to keep our marriage, to keep our daughter in a happy and healthy home. She didn't want to hear it.

I left that night and drove and drove. To this day I am still broken. I am much stronger, but still devastated.

There was a day in this time that I spoke to her in a tone that showed my hurt, and I think this was a point of no return. I am trying to make her understand that even though I know she thinks she loves this man, that our marriage and our relationship of twelve years is not something to just throw away.

I am afraid of losing her, not just as my wife but also once she is on her own.

We're in the process of separating but I just hope that she can see what she is doing to our family. It's not even just my fear of losing her, it's my fear of losing my little family. The one I worked so hard at supporting and loving for so long.

How can I convince someone that her being bipolar is the reason why she is still trying to pursue this man? I can't accept that his wife is OK with this. She went over there for 'tea' one night and didn't come home until 1am. I confronted her about it and told him I could smell him on her. She claims it was just a hug, but I saw her exalted look on her that night. She had the same look one afternoon after being 'hypersexual'. I don't believe they did anything because of his commitment to his family and kids.

I love her more than anything and I want her to know that it's not over. I want her to finally be stable with her new medication, she's had such a hard time going through this but every day I see her and every day I am around her, I see it falling apart.

I know I can't control anyone's feelings, and I'm not saying she doesn't truly believe she could have a relationship with him. But to think that she wants to leave this family for the chance of being happy on her own, when all that seems to keep her happy is seeing him and texting him, makes me worry about her well being.

I want to keep her close so I know she'll be OK. That she'll be OK with our daughter during her 'episodes' if the medication doesn't work.

I just want to love my wife as I used to and hope she can return that favor.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks!

Hi naan,

I've accepted that she wants to leave and that we are separating. I don't attribute it only to her being bipolar, and not once have I brought it up. I know the wrath it could bring.

She is making all sorts of irrational decisions about things, allowing her emotions to overwhelm her.

I asked her last night, for the last time I hope, why she can't give our marriage another chance. She keeps saying that it won't change her mind about me, about wanting to be my wife. I accept that, but I won't accept what she said next.

She told me that during those years that she's been so unhappy as my wife, that I had somehow...neglected her. I'm not sure what sort of neglect she was insinuating, but it was like getting a kick in the stomach. Financial, parental, spousal and emotional support. I gave her all of those as much as I could, but her constant sadness and her inability to talk with me about it is how this came to me, not my lack of support. Neglect insinuates that I stopped caring, stopped providing, stopped trying to understand and love.

I guess what I am asking now is how I am meant to work with her after the separation. She claims she is the primary caregiver of our child, and I see the reasoning. She's always been a great mother, and always working with our daughter to thrive as our smart and funny little girl. But in her current unstable state, she has been less than all of these things in the last several months.

How can I have discussions with her regarding the separation she so desperately wants if all she can do is cry when I bring up my feelings towards joint custody? How is it that through all of this; her indiscretions, the way she condemns me for being this poor husband all those years, the inability to love me as a husband; that she still can't work out the details with me without crying and telling me to stop.

I was given the ultimatum and now I'm expected to just sit back and wait as she figures out how to cope with all this confusion on being bipolar. I told her I was working hard to try and understand what she's going through, but that I can only offer her help and support if she could just talk with me. She only replied with, "I don't even know what's going on in my head right now"...

So with that being said, I don't know what else to do. I need to continue living with this woman and my child until the house is sold. I need to support her with my health insurance still so that she doesn't fall into the deep end of her disease, and I still need to be strong enough to keep working and doing what I do.

How should I talk with her? How can I try and work through this with her without throwing away that tiny hope of us staying great friends?

It's the most difficult thing I've gone through, and although I know I am to work at being strong and help myself first (the oxygen mask), it's hard for me to find that medium of how to help her.

Thank you

Thank you for your honest reply. It would seem she has intentions to do something 'monstrous' that she holds back on.

I don't know what this means exactly, but it could either mean she calls the police on me for some reason, or she takes my daughter away.

I was warned by a couple people now that she might call the police and if that is the case, I would have a hard time defending myself.

I'm hesitant to even talk with her about anything anymore, so I will be approaching a lawyer soon for legal counsel and then approach her with that information when I know my rights.

Everything you've suggested makes sense. Thank you.

I'm somewhat relieved at the idea that I won't be having to be drained emotionally from her anymore, but still disappointed in the idea that she feels I've failed her as a husband. It's crushing to know someone for so long and have them turn on you after they've used you for everything you gave them.

I know I'm not alone and that in time I will heal, but the frustration and the fright is very real and very crucial.

Once again, THANK YOU. It makes it easier knowing I have places to write and have questions answered. reddit is a good place too, but too much negativity and not enough progressive conversations for the topics I have.

Any other advice is always appreciated.

Post Edited (l0sthusband) : 11/17/2014 1:43:37 PM (GMT-7)

Hi all, I'm back.

After going through one of the roughest parts of my life, I believe I am back on track.

Our realtor came by a couple days ago and we signed the paperwork to sell the house. There was a lot of work to do to show it properly.

My wife and I spent the next morning renting a storage unit to clear out some space, and after coming home with her I left for work. She spent the entire day cleaning and painting...and crying.

That night, two nights ago, she locked herself in her bedroom for about 30 minutes after her bath. I went to work on a project and she came lightly knocking on my door. She was crying and wanted to hold my hand. She wants a second chance at rebuilding our marriage.

I, of course, accepted. With conditions. It's very difficult for me to accept that she might still want friendship with the man she tried to sleep with. She has shown me her texts to him, the last ones (as she put it) and claims that she is going to concentrate her efforts on rebuilding our marriage. I am committed to this and want it more than anything in this world.

I guess what I am asking is this: Should I trust her? Am I being manipulated? Is there a way for me to tell whether or not she might relapse and start this whole process again? Are there ways of determining 'triggers'?

I am in strong belief that she does indeed want to rebuild, she sees my commitments. She said something that struck a cord because of all the research I have been doing on working a bipolar spouse: "I focused so much, for so long, on the bad parts of our relationship and marriage that I forgot to focus on the good things."

Now, mind you, I know my faults in this marriage and I have done very well to rebuild myself and this is who I am meant to be. She thanked me for waiting for her. I saw that honesty in her eyes.

She invited me back into the same bed as her and I moved my dresser back into the room. We've slept hand in hand and cuddled since that day, and not once has she insistently been texting anyone. She will communicate with other friends, but not him. He is actually the most supportive of her move, if I am to believe her.

I'd like to thank you all for your advice again. It means the world to me and I hope that some of you can feel my happiness at even the chance of having this work. I have had the opportunity to hold my wife again, to kiss her and tell her I love her...and have her return that sentiment. That alone is something I can't have enough of and I believe that those who replied have been a great help in that.

It took her over a month to see the reality of this situation, but she did. And now we can work together.

If I could be so bold as to ask once more for advice, on how to notice triggers, how to deal with her moods and just generally be a husband who can and will support her through her condition, then please help me. I love my family more than I can love anything and I am willing to work at it and support her the best way I know how.

Thanks again and please, take care. :)

Hi,

I told her with all honesty that although I accept this commitment, that I will be very guarded and nervous. Not because I don't believe in her sincerity, but because it still hurts and it will take me time to heal properly.

That being said, I think she knows that I don't judge her or her condition. I've also expressed unconditionally that I can't control her thoughts and therefore I had given her that 'out' if she felt so compelled to leave me.

She has been much more open with me the last couple days, and tomorrow we are going to be leaving our daughter with my parents so we can go out for dinner together. We are going for pumpkin carving for the kiddo on Saturday to her side of the family, and on Sunday we are going to IKEA (yikes! lol) just the two of us to finish the library I promised her before this all started to happen.

We've already been discussing things that I believe are important; I dress somewhat too casual, and I'd like to spruce things up a bit for her since she puts so much effort in making herself look nice on our dates (i.e. beautiful dresses, hair done up, etc). There are also things I am doing to help her through all of this, and I believe that rekindling our relationship is the first step. I feel butterflies when I am around her, like when we first met.

A gift I purchased for her when she found out she'd have a new management position (with a much higher salary!) came in today, and I left work to drop it off for her. It seemed to make her smile and that means the world to me.

I'm cautiously optimistic, as you put it so nicely, and although I can't foretell what our life has in store for us, I know for a fact that she understands what she means to me. It is something that is undeniable and I've been working with her for 12 years now through this, I can say with certainty that with the knowledge and help I've received regarding her condition, it makes it much more...easy?...to know how to work with her.

As for the pursuing: I have never stopped trying. I love that woman more than you can imagine. I know a lot of husbands claim to have a gorgeous wife, but she is beyond that. Everything about her, even in her condition, makes me infatuated with her. I guess this is why I am so scared of being manipulated...I won't be hurt as I was last time, but it would still kill me a little bit inside.

Thank you so much for all your advice, this truly is the better place for me to talk.

Here's to a happy family and understanding commitment to my wife! :)

Hey all,

I'd like to state that I'm back with more good news, but also with a sense of fear, guilt and anxiety.

My wife and I are still building through things, and generally speaking, we are doing well. I have been helping a lot in the house, "catching up" on things that I had left for too long.

She is starting her new job today after almost 4 months (2 months summer break, 2 on sick leave while her medications could stabilize her)

Our little girl is doing great and we're raising (imo) a healthy and intelligent child who loves both her mother and father.

That being said, and reading through this post again (I have it bookmarked), I'm left a little anxious and frightened at the prospects of my wife's disease and its recurrence.

She is currently on Latuda which seems to be helping her tremendously and another medication to help her sleep (lamo something?)...which I was ironically prescribed during my month-long depression of losing my wife and marriage.

I feel fright because I know that the man she fell in love with, is still in communication with her. She is being honest with me and rarely does talk with him, tells me about the emails and are generally just talking about her new job. I feel fear because I know that she's trying to distance herself away from being in love with him, but that every week since this has happened, an email comes through and I can see it in her...I feel it in the way she hugs and kisses me, holds my hands.

I want to talk with her about it, but I'm worried I might be putting our fragile rebuilding into a disarray, something she does not deserve since she's obviously struggling so hard to keep herself calm and composed for this new higher paying management job.

We started doing several things together; going out for dinner, taking the kiddo out and just generally having fun. I started, stressfully, dressing differently and more appropriate to my age and have been keeping up on my working out and trying to stay positive. That being said, I tried to play a videogame last night and felt that anxiety build up again, as if it was 'wrong' to do it and did not sleep well at all the entire night.

I guess what I am asking for is a little encouragement and advice on how to approach the subject of her continued friendship with this man she obviously still has feelings for. I have spent so much time and energy trying to give her a room of her own (her office/library) so she has a place to think, breathe and whatever else, and although I can't stop her from feeling how she feels, it'd be wrong for me to even bring it up, I don't know how to 'get over' the idea that during another one of her hypermania episodes she might go ahead with her plans to meet up with him, maybe try again, etc.

I have given her lots to think about in regards to our relationship and I am glad she can see how I want things to be, but I also have feelings and also have my fears, which in my head are warranted.

How and when should I approach her about these things? I tend to ramble on if I talk, I lose focus and say things I might regret, but if I write them to her I feel a emotional disconnect that is so important for me to convey.

Thanks again for any advice, you've all been a great inspiration to me and I'll admit that it's a struggle working through this.

l0sthusband
I so glad for you . Thing seems positive and improving. I know it's hard on you, very very tiring and
emotional draining. Trust me, you will have good karma. I can imagine you and my husband having
coffee and *****ing about both your crazy wives! LOL

l0sthusband, I'm glad you were able to talk to your wife about it and it went well.

With Bipolar, it is difficult to know when someone mood will change. There are different triggers. Maybe you can try to get to know what triggers your wife so you both can avoid these things. This may help you both.

I am glad things are going well and I hope it will continue.

UA

Hi l0sthusband,

I have never been married.

I think it's a good decision to attend marriage counseling. I hope your wife will agree to it as well. Counseling will help the both of you. It will also help you as well. If your wife doesn't agree to it, you should still attend some counseling by yourself.

I am sorry she's still in contact with her ex. When you get a chance, you should mention it to her again and remind her of how it makes you feel.

UA

Hi l0sthusband,

Have you started marriage counseling? Marriage counseling will help you both and it will help you understand things better.

I have never been married but it takes two people to build a relationship and it is hard work.

I hope things will work out for you both.

UA

I'm glad everything seems to be working out. There really should be more men in the world like you. :)

Hey l0sthusband
I don't know how put this to you as I really hope things would better for you guys than my situation. This up and down thing with your wife ain't gonna stop anytime soon. We BPs are well aware thus I need to re iterate that you must be strong. It will get to you but it will also get brighter on another day. being able to anticipate what's coming will certainly helps. Don't let her break your will, BPs people needs to be excessive assurance. At some point in time, she will realised the other man ain't able to support her the way you do, just like me with my husband. meanwhile you good take care ok.