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Posted 9/18/2005 6:29 AM (GMT 0)
i am schitzoaffectiv (bipolar, scitzophrenic, panic disorder,ptsd,) pretty much have the lot of them. i take lithium, ativan, trazadone, and seriquil. right now my depression is kicking in. i'm away from home (housesitting) and going nuts. unfortunatly i also use alcohol to self medicate as well, and do not have access to that right now. my mood changes rapidly most of the time, but have been pretty depressed for the last couple of days (hiding it from those i see, as usual), but when it just comes down to me by myself, not doin so hot. i don't really know how a board like this works, but hopefully there is someone out there that can throw me a line????? confused
Posted 9/18/2005 1:50 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, "freak" welcome to the board, you did come to the right place. 

First, why do you call yourself "freak".  Is that the label other people gave you?  That's bull****.  Stop it.  It's a disease and no different than diabetes or heart disease, except it's in the brain.

Just know this, BPs unfortunately come with all kinds of personality disorders, I'm no different, I have more than you TBH.  

ALL of us are having rapid mood swings right now.  Fall and spring are the very worst for us beause the days are either getting shorter (now) or longer in the spring.  The amount of sun we get directly affects mood dramatically, nobody knows why but it does.

But, your MAIN problem is the drinking.  Everyone here will tell you that.  It's a depressant.  While it makes you feel good at first, when it wears off it leaves you depressed.   Then you need another, etc.   You will never be fully stable until you stop.  I was a raging alcoholic, a fifth of vodka a day, so I am not just saying this because I know from a nursing standpoint.  So, take the advice, or leave it it's up to you, but think of this:  No drink for two days, it's a great start!  YOu WILL feel bad for a little while, not long tho and then you will feel better than you have in a long time.  So, take the advice, or leave it it's up to you! yeah

I know you probably have NO energy, that's what comes with the depression, so you need to keep your mind busy.  Try getting a book that interests you, or research anything of interest on the computer.  Occupying your mind will help you not think of depression 24/7, which we tend to do in that state.  Nobody here will ever tell you to "think positive, we dont' want to get punched in the face, lol)!

You are on a LOT of downer meds, the lithium can make you tired and weak,  the ativan is a depressant (I know you probabaly need it for anxiety tho), the trazadone is an antidepressant, but it's very sedating, too and then Seroquel! And drinking on top!!!!  OMG I am surprised you can get out of bed, let alone function!    Talk to your doc about that, perhaps he could sub Lamictal for the trazadone, it's a very effective antidepressant (AD for short) plus a mood stabilizer in BPs.  It doesn't cause mania like other antidepressants in the SSRI class (Prozac, Effexor, Zoloft, Celexa, etc.)  Also Welbutrin is used very successfully in BPs, and the combination of them is great for many.  Seroquel is all you should really need to sleep at night if you take the right dose for YOU, everyone is different.  Call your doc and discuss this, being a BP means you have to learn abuot the differnt meds and what they do, and tell the doc your symtpoms every time they change, and if they are rapidly changing he needs to know that too.

I'm glad you found us here, and I hope we can help.  There is a registered pharmacist her name is Dana and she is very knowledgable of course, the expert on any meds, not just BP meds. 

Hope to hear from you soon, and would you please change your user name to somethng a little happier, huh! :-)

Shannon

Posted 9/18/2005 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much for your reply. As far as the name goes, yes that is what ppl used to call me alot. (mostly because of the arguing i used to do with the voices in my head) I am 30 yrs old, and have been in and out of mental hospitals since 1996. right now i think i'm on the right combination of medicines.....but sometimes my disease overpowers them. i do know the trials and tribulations that come with drinking when it comes to my disorder. unfortunatly they are all bad. I've been in and out of A.A since i've been 16. this last time, i actually had a year and a half, and went back out. don't know if i'll ever make it back. my pdoc knows i drink and he doesnt like it one bit., but i've always been honest with him. (what good would it do if i wasn't?????)

I do go to a dual diaganosis(sp) councler every two weeks., and i was going to group therapy(til i droped out) that didn't seem to help much. i've been a guinnea pig ads far as the medication goes, been on so many combo's it really P***ed me off.

I can't work, and have been on ssd for quite a while. right now i am living with my father (who treats me like i'm 12) I feel so guilty when it comes to my family. three attemps on my life, all the hospitals and drugs (meds that made me crazier) and the embarassement that they must feal knowing that their 30 yr old daughter is a waste.

anyway, i've read thrugh some of the threads on here, and you all seem very nice, very helpfull, and there's a sense of caring here that i haven't felt in a long time. hopefully i can be a part of it.
Posted 9/18/2005 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome. You are not a waste, remember that. I really can't talk too much right now, bt when i get home I will tell you a little about me. I will be 28, and have been dx for 2-3 yrs with Bp I. Rapid cycler I am. I used to have a drinking problem myself, hospitilized and forced to go to AA, then I went on my own too. I always felt like I wasn't an alcoholic, but it runs in my family. i feel like anytime I can fall right back into my own ays. I still drink alcohol, which also doesn't help my diabetes. I have to go , so there's a little about me. I hope you enjoy this forum, I feel like I am always here in life to help people, and that is what we do here. If you want it. I am glad you found us and happy posting. Nickie

Posted 9/18/2005 7:15 PM (GMT 0)

I 'm so sorry you've had such a rough time of it.  I'm 40 and had to go on disability a couple of years ago, I dont' like admitting that, and I never tell anyone I dont know really well, but this disease is a beating and sometimes even on meds stability is fragile at best.

I do wish you would go back to AA.  Just because you fell off doesn't mean youcan't get back on. You CAN do it, the question is will you?

Counseling is good, does the counselor help?  It's great that youhave access to twice a week.

We just encourage everybody to TRY.  That's the only thing.   BP is an everyday struggle, it is a lot of work, lol! 

Please do yourself a favor tho, change your name to what YOU want to call yourself, not an insulting, inaccurate ignorant label that unenlightened people gave you, ok?

Posted 9/18/2005 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, ok....i changed my name. sometimes its just so easy to believe the bad stuff. especially since my self esteem isn't so hot. my councler is great (every 2 wks, not 2wice a week)....and she would be there 2wice a week if i asked her. she does her best to try and help, but it just seems like she's reading from a script when she says how proud she is of me, and how great it is that i haven't been hospitalized lately (certifiable i am..papers to prove it :-) )

I'm kinda proud of myself that i haven't been hospitalized lately (usally cuz i go off my meds). i know that this disease is as serous as any, and i finally have come to terms that its not all in my head (so to speak) but that doesnt mean i have to like it.....well nobody likes it.

i am a rapid cycler as well, but the lithium has helped a bit. i still cycle..i'm sure everyone does...except now when i'm manic i don't feel like i can fly and when i'm depressed i don't feel as if i should die. so that's a plus.

alot of the reason i am so down on myself (why i called myself a waste) is because i have tried soooo many times to go back to school, and each time i enroll i last about a month....then i freak out and have to quit. the reason i said i'm so upset for my family is that they don't know what to say to people who ask what their daughter, or sister does.
when they say i'm not working right now, they always have to come up with an answer why. they never tell the truth ( i think thats because they think it would make them look bad or something....who knows)

most of the times if they see i'm in "a mood" they'll walk on egggshells around me, and thats worse than acknowledging theres something wrong (to me anyway) it seems like they'd just rather me dissapear so THEY don't have to deal with it, or me. Funny thing is ( well not so funny) is that while i'm no dr of course, i know my mom is bipolar...i've seen the symptoms for years. My dad suffers from depression, and so does my sister..........they've just never been cked out. i don't know what to do or how to help them (me the caretaker) guess they'll find out on there own, just like i did. they have to take the first step, and i realize that. sometimes i wish my mom would go to the pdoc, just so i wouldn't feel so alone. pretty darn selfish of me, i know.

holy cow, i've written a book. sorry to the folks out there who choose to read it, i didn't mean to ramble on. i'm not really throwing myself a little pitty party even though it souns like i am. apparently i just had to get some stuff out of my head that's been rattling around
Posted 9/18/2005 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Starlite, though I haven't mastered the long post yet, I personally think they are great!! The longer the better and I know that most of us feel that way. Hi btw, my name is Sandy and I am BP, PTSD, and a host of other boring stuff like that!! Do please stay on your meds!! It is so so so important. Shannon is the one that keeps us all straight and all in line. Nickie is the one that tells us the truth whether it's what we want to hear or not, and I don't know what role I play yet!! LOL Anyway, it's very nice to meet you. Sandra
Posted 9/18/2005 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Shannon, are we certified????????
Posted 9/19/2005 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Sandra you are short and sweet, but always have a helpful point. So that's how i fit in, I used to be the diplomatic one, and well I changed postions. You are so helpful!!! :-)   I know my bluntness gets me in trouble... ah well. Okay starlite much better name. I used to feel the same way people would ask how I was , what I was doing.... the reason maybe your parents don't say or tell the truth, is becasue sometimes people don't understand, and they can be so hurtful, so avoid it. I personally never wanted my saying anything, I thought it was none of there business to know. It probably is not said for the best. It is okay though. My dad also has Bp, and I think my nan too, my brother has depression, but none has ever been checked either, see we have a few things in common. about school and work, some people can and others can't . That does not mean you are any less than anyone else, you just know your limits. And heck at least you have tried, that's all you can do. about the eggshell thing, my mom does it too, I  asked her , actually yelled at her one day for that.. she said she isn't purposely doing it, she doesn't know what to say to me, and that makes her feel bad. Of course I said , well then don't say **** , and i will be fine. I used to push everyone away, and not talk about stuff, so that's my fault. If it wasn't for my mom, I probably would of done something stupid. I owe her more than she will ever know, and treat her the best I know how. She is my angel, and hero. You are indeed not throwing yourself a pity party, you are letting us know a little about you. it's great, I hope you stay with us, we truly are a unique bunch!!! tongue happy posting and we are always on here. Sincerely Nickie
Posted 9/19/2005 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
thank you nikki, you guys have made me feel at home, and i appreciate it more than you know! but of coure, maybe you do. i've searched for so long for ppl who understood me, and what i have went thru and am still going thru. it is a great comfort to me to know there are some ppl out there. :-)

maybe after a while i'll find my place here too.
Posted 9/19/2005 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, you already have, keep talking and we'll keep listening. Trust Me, Sandra
Posted 9/19/2005 1:21 PM (GMT 0)

Hey, Starlite - I LOVE your new name!  That's more like it! yeah

And, don't feel bad about not working, etc.  You have tried and that's what matters.  I worked until I was 35, but couldn't any longer.  My pdoc had actually been telling me for 2-3 yrs I needed to stop, but I wouldn't listen and just kept ending up in the hospital, or having to take days off at a time for "sanity breaks" as I called them.  I finally had a total breakdown one day, a Monday of course.  that was 5 years ago and I decided to get disability 2 years ago, since I realized I had no intention of ever going back to work.   That's what it takes for some of us to stay halfway stable.  It's still a job, eat just right, exercise daily, sleep just right on a strict schedule, no drink or drugs or cigs, no caffeine, and reduce stress as much as possible.  Hmmm.......  A healthy life?  Just think if everybody did that, not just us!  

Anyhoo, right, you have found a place here.   How are you feeling this a.m.?

Shannon

Posted 9/19/2005 3:04 PM (GMT 0)

Girls,

I just have a minute here and want to say welcome to Starlite. I'll write a better post later, but wanted to toss in a few words to let you know that I'm another ear (or computer screen) to talk to. Maybe its just because its Monday, but all the posts are ringing such familiar bells to me this morning. I'm feeling pretty good today, just emotional and wanted to say that things will get better.

Reading the posts about families and feeling like a "waste" and all those other things reminds me of all the things that I used to feel. I'm incredibly fortunate that I've been feeling well for a while now and by the grace of a crappy memory (a blessing disguised as a sideffect of meds), have been able to put away a lot of those awful feelings.

I just wanted Starlite to know that things will get better - although I'm not particularly religious, I do believe that there is a grand plan and with some faith, better days will come. Starlite, please know that this is the place that you can come for support and know that the people who post here have been where you are. There is no need to feel out of place. We have been through all the dark, scary places and frightening scenes that come with living with BP and hopefully you can find some solace in knowing that you are not alone in your struggle.

The other people who post here are incredibly knowledgable and supportive, and are an excellent sounding board for everything. Shannon, and Shannon, Patti, Sandra, Dana and Nickie and all the others have such a breadth of knowledge and good things to say - it is a great comfort to me to know you are among friends here.

I have to run, but I hope that everyone is having a good Monday so far,

Putter
Posted 9/19/2005 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the kind words. This morning isn't too bad, the animals here are getting on my last nerve (and i've got 2 more days to go...argh!) I had a dream last night that i was back in the hospital...probably from all this sharing...which i am sooo not used to doing. anyway it was horrible and i know that i NEVER want to go back!!

your right, living a "healthy life" is hard work...although you've got me on the cigs and caffine (not quite ready to give those up) ,and as far as the alcohol goes...i have deicded to try and ease up. i know that drinking at all is hazarous....but for right now, it's still a crutch i need.

"need" that's a powerfull word.. i think i should use the word "have to" i have to take my meds (that's a given).. i have to try and live life the best i can with what God has given me....i have to try not to understand but to accept fully my disease...that last ones a toughy!! so many days i just want to say the hell with it (full denial) theres nothing wrong with me...its all in my head. well, it is in my head, and sometimes accepting that is the hardest part. for so long, when i was quite younger everything that was ever wrong with me was "in my head" i've even had dr's say "oh, that can't hurt" or "that's not real" drove me flat out nuts! (well, concidering :) )

i have a history of kidney stones (since age 12) and last yr i went to the er, and the doctor had the gall to ask me "are you sure you're not hurting on the other side?" i asked him politely( well, ok, not so politely devil ) "do you have the x-rays backwards?????

"Validation" i think that is a very important word!! and i haven't goten alot of that through out my life. until i found this place....now i'm validated (can you stamp my card hehe j/k) up to my eyeballs....which is such a good feeling. i want to thank you guys for that.

well shoot, another chapter, sorry. maybe i should try and master the quick reply???? :-)

hope all are doing well! cool
Posted 9/19/2005 3:21 PM (GMT 0)

Ahh... I knew Putter would be posting to welcome a new member and friend here. Anyways, Putteer, always a pleasure to see you post. I think at times, if I can't get the right words out, I read your post and think he is so delicate, and that's what I was trying to say. Not all the time, but defo. on a few. I think you are a great asset here, and we all enjoy your posts as well. I also am not really religious, but know there is someone and something higher than me, my problem is I am always trying to figure out what I am here for. My mom says it's to help people, but I think that is not all sufficient. it's not just being a mom, or a college student, it bothers me. Like I think something is gonna land on my head and say you already know what it is, just think.... LOL So far Putter , my MOnday couldn't be any better.

Shannon, no cig, no caffenine, no drugs( well I can handle that one, except my legal prescribed ones), no alcohol, hmm... sometimes that one is tough as well, but yeah okay. Boy you sure are strict.lOL I know all is benefical to a healthy mind and body, but ******, I can't seem to practice what we preach. If I quit cig, and caffenine oh gosh , look out everyone, and school would feel way outta reach at thiss point. I will try one thing at a time, but not right now. I hate to say it, you are  right though!!!!!! tongue You know I gotta pick on that! haha

Starlite, you have found the right place in my eyes. You were seeking whatI was , when I found healing well. After a while, it got rolling better, and I couldn't wait to get home, and see how everyone was. It's like a sane place to go for me, and everyone else is weird and not understanding. ( except mom , but truly even she can't possibly know the days, but I give her 150% for the effort) The more you get to know us, the more comfortable you will feel to post more. Again Welcome, and glad your here.                  nickie

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