Hi - confused

Hi all, I'm confused. I cut myself the other day and it felt fantastic but also unsatisfying like it wasn't a good enough cut. I am not at all suicidal. I can't keep cutting. Well I could and I would happily but I can't explain cuts and scars so for that reason alone I cant. I feel like I wasted an opportunity to have cut myself better and now have to wait ages before I can do it again with a good story behind it and so now what do I do when things get too intense. I know these are not standard thoughts or behaviours of a stable mind. Sigh. If things get too bad or I feel I am going to lose it I will punch my stomach and legs as that provides temporary relief but it's not the same.

I spent months feeling so low and just bleugh last year and I couldn't be bothered getting out of bed (but had too) and I have ditched all my interests and can't myster up enthusiasm or energy for anything. Even time with friends feels such an effort unless I'm sloshed. Yet other times I feel like I'm plugged into an energy socket and I can't control the surge and I can't sleep and I'm physically and mentally restless and I get so incredibly agitated. I've argued with lots of people lately. Literally yelled at them which is not me.

It feels like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know who I will be one week from the next. Im back to just wanting to be left alone in bed all day. Is this bipolar? Is this just depression or anxiety? I did some self harm when I was young but I'm very controlled. Intensely controlled. Yet right now I feel out of control.

I don't know what else to say.

Thank you. I don't know how to see someone and admit to this stuff and have this forever on record against my name. Part of me thinks it's just some phase and I need to be tougher about it but that makes me anxious already and then part of me is really scared because phase or not what sort of mind would do what I've done.

Thanks for replying. I had to get something out somewhere. I'm even nervous about how safe/private this forum is or someone finding my profile or messages somehow. I know if a friend was to tell me this I would support them but the idea of being the friend who has to say it/be that person is so scary to me.

I've picked up a phone so many times to book a psychologist visit but always back out hoping it will get sorted. And sometimes there are phases where everything does feel sorted and I can't imagine why I ever thought there was a problem and then it cycles back to crap again and I don't know what to do with it.

As I say - confused

Sorry
Thank you