My Wife (Bipolar) abandoned me the second time...

Greetings folks. I used to post in another depression forum under the same nick but for some reason, find myself wading in unchartered territory now...

Just a little history about me and my wife...

My wife and I were first married in 2008. Then in around 2015, a church counsellor diagnosed her with depression(that made me sign up at a depression forum to know more) and also around the same time, she abandoned me. It was a whirlwind few months and before I knew it, my wife filed for divorce. At that time, I was unaware about her mental illness and thought she no longer loved me, so I agreed to it... : _ (


Many months later, while I was away at Army Reservist, she called me out of the blue, saying that she had been warded at IMH (Institute of Mental Health, in Singapore) for 30 days and had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. That was how everything started to make sense.


To cut the long story short, we reconciled and remarried in 2017. She was formerly on Olanzopin and Valproate (mood stabiliser I think), but due to her concerns with her weight gain, we discussed with the IMH doctor and the Olanzopin was slowly reduced to 0. And she managed fine with just the Valproate for at least almost a year.


A few days ago (and over the course of a few days developing), she started to have mood changes, being suddenly energetic, suddenly lethargic, having impaired judgment, hearing voices, not sleeping at all for a few days, grand ideas about getting a new place and applying for new jobs, not being able to focus (blank stare), withdrawing from me and our activities totally, fingers twitching every few seconds, suddenly bursting into tears, irrational fear of dust mites and seeing black shadows in the room. PHEW I think that's about it.


So again to cut the long story short, she abandoned me (again) 2 mornings ago at around 8am and I panicked a little when I found out after waking up. Went to NEX Shopping Mall to search for her all over as she said the night before that she would be there at McDonald's. Couldn't find her there or anywhere. Called IMH A&E and IMH Crisis Hotline to enquire for advice. Received it. So yesterday, after she DID NOT return home, I filed a 'missing person' report at the police station. I'm now waiting and hoping for her mania or hypomania or depression to end and return home...so that I can quickly call for the ambulance and send her straight to IMH for assessment.


I'm worried and anxious about a few things...namely her safety and well-being and longer-term, her perhaps filing for divorce again months down the road. : _ (


I love my wife a lot and unconditionally. She's my soul-mate and the love of my life. I'm a Christian and have faith in God, so I keep referring to this verse:

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

Some people (like my mother) have asked me to give up and move on but I vehemently refuse. It's very selfish thinking. I will love my wife till the day I die, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If there is any man or woman out there in my predicament, take heart in the knowledge that you are not alone and I am struggling alongside you.

I've read myriad posts about how so many caregivers want to give up, or file for divorce, or say that it will keep happening again and again so better bail out quickly. Well, I know what I'm in for but " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". This may sound obscure or absurd to non-Christians but it's part of what keeps me going...I'm sure you, the reader, have your own coping mechanism...


I would like to hear any opinions or suggestions you have regarding my predicament. And please do not put me down and ask me to give up...if you have to do so, please try to do it in a constructive way; thanks very much and I truly appreciate all your insights...


Some questions:


1. How often does your Bipolar spouse return after leaving? How long does his/her mania state last?

2. Should I stop contacting her totally, or continue to sporadically message her once or twice a day (which I have been doing). I don't want to pressure her too much, and yet I want her to know that I'm there for her.

3. Do you feel like life is less stressful now that they have moved away, but feel guilty about it?

4. What do you do to take care of yourself while waiting interminably...?

5. If in the event she files for divorce again, what can I do to delay it this time?

Or please feel free to share any insights or experiences; thanks!
Clarkie from Singapore.

Post Edited (Clarkie) : 5/21/2019 12:55:31 PM (GMT-6)

It’s good that you reached out for help, and that you’re sticking with this situation.

I’m a bipolar myself who takes Mirtazapine anti-depressant to treat the depression side of my bipolar, and Lithium for the mania side. Taking just the anti-depressant would throw me into a manic state, with perhaps anxiety attacks to follow. Therefore, I take Lithium to treat the mania and to stop the anti-depressant from sending me into mania.

This keeps me calm and undepressed. Without those medicines, I’m all over the place, can't concentrate, can’t do anything, hard to make decisions (like seeing a psychiatrist, and which one to see, etc.).

You said your wife was taking two medicines, the first being Olanzapine which drugs.com says,
“Olanzapine is used to treat the symptoms of psychotic conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (manic depression) in adults and children who are at least 13 years old. Olanzapine is sometimes used together with other antipsychotic medications or antidepressants.”

The other medicine she was taking was Valproate which the same website says,
“Valproic acid affects chemicals in the body that may be involved in causing seizures.
“Valproic acid is used to treat various types of seizure disorders. Valproic acid is sometimes used together with other seizure medications.
Valproic acid is also used to treat manic episodes related to bipolar disorder (manic depression), and to prevent migraine headaches.”

So, she was taking an antipsychotic and a seizure medicine before she dropped the Valproic. When she was taking both, did that seem to help?

Looking at the quality of psychiatric care in Sinapore, which map says is below China, it says on one website that they have 2.8 psychiatrists per 100,000 people in Singapore while the U.S. has 10 and the United Kingdom has 17.9. The World Health Organization recommends 10 per 100,000 population.

So, what is the quality of psychiatric care in Sinapore? How long did you have to wait to get a psychiatrist? If you aren’t satisfied with the psychiatrist, how long would it take to get another one?

She may have been on the wrong medicine, looking at it as a non-medical person.

You said, “A few days ago (and over the course of a few days developing), she started to have mood changes, being suddenly energetic, suddenly lethargic, having impaired judgment, hearing voices, not sleeping at all for a few days, grand ideas about getting a new place and applying for new jobs, not being able to focus (blank stare), withdrawing from me and our activities totally, fingers twitching every few seconds, suddenly bursting into tears, irrational fear of dust mites and seeing black shadows in the room. PHEW I think that's about it. ”

I think you’re in a precarious situation.

Thx for uodate charlie. I too have bi polar and very well managed. I am in Australia. Keep posting for support. HT.

Yes, thanks for keeping us up to date. I've been in some turbulent situations, also, and didn't have a whole lot of help with it, so I know how tough that can be.

You said earlier she was on "both Olanzapine and Valproate" with the first being an anti-psychotic and the second used to treat seizures. As an amateur, I don't see any anti-depressant there or a mood stabilizer like Lithium which is what I take. I don't see anything to treat depression or mania.

I was given an anti-psychotic (which is sometimes used to treat bipolar I've read and experienced). It was called "Stelizine" (sp?) It's an old style anti-psychotic, and the newer ones are supposed to be less severe. It gave me panic attacks and was supposed to be treating my mania and my depression. I heard in some countries, they use it for torture.

It took away my severe anger that I was in, but it also stripped me of all other emotions including good. So, when you say, "her mood was very stable when she was on the anti-psychotic (Olanzapine) but she was more like a zombie who couldn't feel much" I kinda want to jump up and down.

That's exactly how I felt on Stelazine anti-psychotic. It was torture. I had no emotions. To think they are still giving that medicine decades later after I had that and still having the same results is impossible for me to believe. Now, it must work for some people for from time to time here people who are bipolar say they are on an anti-psychotic. I know someone who was given Stelazine because he was so angry so much, but it wasn't the first medicine they gave him, but only when all else had failed.

But that's my guess as to why she felt like a zombie on an anti-psychotic. You can look up the side affects of that medicine by typing in the name on the search engine.

You said, "...just curious why you say I'm in a precarious position...? As in lifetime of uncertainty perhaps...?"

One reason I said that is, the way you described your wife: “A few days ago (and over the course of a few days developing), she started to have mood changes, being suddenly energetic, suddenly lethargic, having impaired judgment, hearing voices, not sleeping at all for a few days, grand ideas about getting a new place and applying for new jobs, not being able to focus (blank stare), withdrawing from me and our activities totally, fingers twitching every few seconds, suddenly bursting into tears, irrational fear of dust mites and seeing black shadows in the room. PHEW I think that's about it. ”

With the doctor's help, she had dropped the anti-psychotic and was only on the other medicine and did OK for a year, you said. Well, she's obviously not on the right medicine if she's acting the way you described above, and now nobody even knows where she is.

The second reason I said you were in a precarious position is, from looking at the net, it is saying psychiatric care in your part of the world is not the best. I have seen many a bad psychiatrist, but for your wife to be acting like she is and now she is missing, tells me she is not on the right medicine. She may not have been diagnosed right. Was she depressed a lot, and then manic, mind racing, trouble sleeping, couldn't concentrate? (You can look up the symptoms on the net by typing in "bipolar" on the search engine. Looking at that, do you think she's bipolar?)

That's why I said you're in a precarious position. Even when she's at the doctor's, she may not be getting good help.

Tell me what you think her diagnosis is, as far as being bipolar, then look at the suggested medicines for that, and see if you think she was getting the right meds.

A little something for you guys...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuA8YbdTdR8

A classic by Diana Ross...it speaks a lot to me now.

Hopefully one day, my wife will come back and find me like the lady in the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qfn-bWEBrk

No use in trying to dx. It is past your ability. She needs an admission for sure. My suggestion is to document everything...it can aide in a dx and or an involuntary admission.

Sadly yoyr wife is in way that you can be of no help. There may well be some affective elements and psychosis.

Only when she herself asks for help will then things may improve. I have never walked away from a partner....but i am me, your wife is her. Our experiences are all different and unique....but yes similar symptoms pertaining to a certain disorder.

Keeping you in my thoughts. HT.

Hi Clarkie,

This is a brave post, and I love your dedication to your marriage. There is a lot to be said for that

I have known my husband for 12 years, married for 6, and doting mother for 5. It’s been wonderful, but we can be haunted by my mood swings and internal battles with depression. Recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, I have been a challenge (to say the least) and am guilty of running away from my husband, hurting with words, paranoid, low lows, and high highs. I once made a budget for an entire two year period... and thought I could write a novel at the same time (I don’t write lol).

Now that I am well medicated, and working through nutritional improvement, activity improvement, and step by step therapy I feel like my eyes are just starting to peel over the fishbowl and see the world. This took work, dedication.., and personal accountability; despite the overwhelming guilt.

As my husband and I work through this, one strong peace of advice comes to mind. You are a caregiver, and you can’t forget about you. You can’t fight the hidden world of somebody’s mind, and you can’t do it alone. And, to a certain extent, neither can your wife. Burnout on both ends can be catastrophic in both worlds. Often times my husband used to try and pacify me, or just fix it, and when I was in a state of mania... there was no coming back. My reason was gone, sanity was gone, and my kindness was gone.

And it was never his fault (no matter how much my I told him it was).

So I guess what I’m trying to say, is a healthy caregiver is a good caregiver don’t forget about your own mental health, and reach out to services to try and understand not only what your wife is feeling, but what you’re feeling.

I know that sounds like a tall order, but it’s worth it to make sure everyone is ok Bi-polar can be incredibly unpredictable, and in that world help and healing is a strenuous and daunting process.

Some of the musts got us:
Complete transparency with each other and doctors (they’ve heard it all)
Nutrition changes- we eat 90% plants ( my husband says if you want to feel like sunshine you have to eat sunshine haha)
Well balanced meds
Working out
Hygiene lists and daily task lists ( I need reminders for everything) so, even when I’m down I know I need to brush my teeth
Talk therapy
And most importantly- sleep. The manic get worse with no sleep

For what it’s worth... I used to run because I was terrified of being alone. Strange lol.

Hi again

My husband and I have known each other since we were teens, so I think we always knew there was a problem... just ignored it. This style generally resulted in a very dysfunctional and high voltage relationship. Not healthy for anyone! We broke up, got back together, got engaged, got not engaged about every month for four years.

Before I go on, I also have Borderline Personality disorder so I can’t blame everything on BP2.

I run from all important relationships, including friends, at the rage/paranoia part of my mania and then remain isolated during depression. Usually guilt follows and I stay away- not real sure how to get it back. Friendship, this guilt stall has lasted 4 years. As for me and my husband, the longest I ignored his basic existence was about a month. Every once in awhile we would check in to make sure everyone was still kicking, but it was some space I thought I needed.

I was never hyper sexual. That is likely due to my very religious background. I was however, very very very drunk for a very long time. Self harm and sitting in parks alone at midnight with a handle was my preferred coping... not my finest hour by any stretch.

I don’t know what made me wake up and get help- I think it was my kid honestly. She Asked why I cried and yelled so much; and then she started to imitate. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and got help the next day. It was hard, and I still worry about the damage I caused, but someday I will explain- when she’s ready- we will talk and prep for those hard questions. I gave immense guilt, but own my actions as my own. Thinking straight- no. My mouth and my voice- yes.

What’s that phrase- A hurricane trapped in a rain drop

Lol it is all a learning experience- I wish there was a manual ;)

Unfortunately I’m not sure about contacting. We are all a little different. It gave me some hope when I got the text messages and, for me, they never went unnoticed even when I didn’t respond.

You’re not foolish, and I can see you care for your wife greatly.

We all try to recover in our own time. As much as caregivers try, it’s only the struggling who can really make that ultimate choice.

AppleBlossom: No worries...really appreciate your insights and tips...I need to know how the Bipolar mind functions so I can understand my wife better...yes you're absolutely right; the struggling need to seek help whenever possible...seems like a simple concept but in actuality, hard to execute...hope you had a smooth day today.

theHTreturns: (I keep thinking about Batman when I see your nick lol) A couple of days...? OK cool...thanks for the tip too...yeah I figured maybe every day seems a little smothering...oh 'diagnosis' ok got it...hope you had a smooth day today too.

Wife Update: After praying and mulling over carefully, I've decided to message my wife only at night after work. I recall messaging her during or before work a few years ago in her manic state and the reply/result was...catastrophic, to say the least. So today, I couldn't take it any longer and messaged her, "Hope you had a smooth day today...thinking of you...*kiss*" Surprise surprise...she replied ten minutes later with a 'What have you been up to recently' A little cryptic, but I replied that I was busy with work and went out with 2 male friends, one of which I played badminton with today. No reply after that. I wanted to ask her 'How about you' but decided not to cos' she didn't seem like communicating further...just letting her know that I love her and am there for her...not sure if it's too much, or too little, but it feels right to me...

Personal Update: Went to the nearby sports hall to play badminton with my friend today...quite a good workout. Then treated my friend to Cedele cos' his birthday was just over a few days ago...treated myself to smoked Salmon poached egg pasta...delicious! And coupled with an iced chocolate. I figured I had to be nice to myself in the aftermath of everything...Going to message my wife at most once a day, or once in 2-3 days, whichever I feel like it. Collected a huge stash of DC Teen Titans graphic novels today (about $2 per piece!!). Passing them to my students so that they have something decent to read during the holidays (I'm an English private tutor). All seems well so far...just need to press on and fight the good fight...

Thanks HT, I'll let Robin and Alfred know that you've returned lol!

Yeah it's really hard to have to juggle work and not think of her...

However, every cloud has a silver lining.

The strange and yet good thing is that having gone through all this before, it doesn't feel half as bad now because

1. I know she's mentally ill.
2. I know/expect certain things that can happen.
3. I know that God will stand by me no matter what.
4. I know that I still have physical and online friends who will offer me unconditional support.
5. I know that I have survived the first one and am very capable of surviving the second one.
6. If I have to go through a third one, a fourth one, a fifth one, infinity, just to be with the love of my life, ok so be it. She's worth it, even though 80-90% of people may think she isn't.

Anyway, keep being a happy turtle always! Are you interested in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by any chance? Lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLpmj059JFA

: _ /

Update 3rd June 2019:

My wife called me at night yesterday...went to pick her up at some 1-star hotel...went for dinner...she ate about half and then said no appetite...then we went back to rest...

Tried to coax and convince her that she needed to get back her meds left at the previous apartment she rented...there were 2 weeks left but she decided not to stay and moved to the 1-star hotel...

This morning when I woke up, she was gone again...thought I wouldn't see her for another 2 weeks...called her at 2pm...asked whether I could go with her to take the meds...surprise surprise...she was ok with it...so went with her to take...then went back home...

In the afternoon, she hugged me very tightly and kissed me...said she loved me...then started crying...asked me to listen to 'Goodbye Girl' by David Gates and Bread...and George Benson's 'Nothing's gonna change my love for you'...it's like she was trying to tell me something but didn't know how...I teared a little upon hearing them...then she asked me sing the songs out for her...and I did too.


At dinner, she asked me how we met and what we did when we went dating before marriage...? Pseudo-amnesia or something?? Her laughing and strange twitching also attracted looks from the waitresses and other customers...but I didn't care...my focus was on her...

At night at home, I personally supervised her consumption of the meds...2 tablets of Valproate + 1 tablet of Risperidone...

The whole day, she has had weird twitching all over...fingers, hands, body will twitch and sometimes contort..

Then in bed, her teeth will start to chatter...and she will spit at all 4 corners of the bed...and she keeps staring into blank space...

Then, she will go into a laughing or giggling fit for like...an hour or so....then after that, starts crying very sorrowfully...

I do hope the medicine's effectiveness will kick in after a week or two...

Praying to God that she doesn't leave again in the morning WITH the meds...

She just fell asleep...didn't sleep much the previous night also.

This is not like writing an English Essay or repairing a light bulb...stuff which I can do...there's no manual for what I'm going through...guess I'm learning a little every day...

Oh God, please help her...please humble me and teach me what to do and what to say... : _ /

Post Edited (Clarkie) : 6/3/2019 9:40:03 AM (GMT-6)