Getting help for my wife

My wife has always exhibited mild symptoms of bipolar disorder, but was never diagnosed, or even really thought about it. A few years ago she started a job and was placed on medication for anxiety. The symptoms lessened. On June 25, 2019, we shipped our oldest to Navy boot camp. On June 28, 2019, she walked into work and was let go as they repurposed her position to one she wasn’t qualified for. She took herself off of the anxiety meds, without talking to our doctor. She’s still very mad at the employers that let her go, even though she’s found a better job. We’ve gone through phases of extreme affection and extreme distancing, each lasting a few days at a time. She’s angry one minute and happy the next.

10 weeks ago, we had an very affectionate day, then the next day she was cold with me. A week after that she said she was ending the marriage. She’s since asked for a divorce.

Our oldest daughter was hurt in boot camp and left the Navy. She’s at home with us. My wife has often threatened to kick her out, but I’ve been able to buffer that, but when I push the daughter to make a plan for her life, I’m a bad person. I’m currently living with my mother and my oldest daughter told me today that my wife is joking one minute, then screaming at the top of her lungs, then right back to joking, all within a 10-15 minute time frame.

She mentioned that she had thought about suicide while she was making the decision to leave me, but couldn’t do that to her kids.

How worried should I be about our kids and my soon to be ex wife. As much as I’d like to salvage our 27 years together, I know our marriage is over. I just want to make sure that my wife and especially the kids are safe.

Thanks.

Thanks. She’s completely against any kind of medication or counseling. She says she can deal with things on her own, although they’ve only gotten worse in the last few months with the covid stress added. Having said that, my fear is her hurting herself and the kids. How worried should I be about her hurting the kids considering she’s talked about suicide.

Since moving out, I have become severely depressed and have been on meds for a little over a week now and have been seeing a therapist. I was beginning to wonder if everyone would be happier if I weren’t around. That scared me so I sought help.

It’s good that you wrote in.

You said, “My wife has always exhibited mild symptoms of bipolar disorder, but was never diagnosed, or even really thought about it.”

As far as diagnosed, it sounds like she is bipolar, as I am.

Mayoclinic.org says the symptoms of depression are:

"feel(ing) sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities."

"When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly."

I inherited my bipolar from my mother’s mother. The way I came to find out my diagnosis was by talking to a lay counselor who knew my uncle and he said, “He was bipolar, and you probably are, too.” The psychiatrists I had seen missed it, since I had come in as depressed and they diagnosed me as depressed.

Why they couldn’t ask me questions about possible mania, I don’t know. But when they dx you wrong, they medicate you wrong. They can dx you as only depressed, give you anti-depressants, which can send you into mania. But with nothing to treat the mania (I take Lithium stabilizer for that and Mirtazapine anti-depressant), I had anxiety attacks.

So it’s very important that the psy. knows about the mania if your wife goes in as depressed.

Bipolar can start in teens or early 20s, net says.

It can be very difficult to get a bipolar to see a psy. When I was manic, I couldn’t slow down enough to even think about that or what to do if I did think about it.

When depressed, I didn’t feel like going to a psy. When did I go? When I was depressed. Why? Probably because my mother talked me into it. What would that be, intervention?

Can you talk to her when she's depressed about this? It usually takes a family member, and you qualify. She won't trust an outsider.

I would think you would also need the name of a psy. You can look up on the net search engine for: “psychiatrist for my hometown.” Write down a few names and phone numbers and pick one.

You might want to call one or more local hospitals and ask them if they have a women’s health center. Ask them if they can recommend the name of a psychiatrist, and a therapist while you’re talking to them. Then see if she’ll go in just for a therapy session, then ask the therapist for the name of a psychiatrist.

There are all kinds of medicines for this. My grandmother had bipolar but there were no medicines for that in the 1930's, 40's and early 1950's. So she lived some years in a state mental institution, 100 miles from home. So your wife is actually in a good situation, she just doesn’t know it.

My grandmother would have given anything for medicine. She used to go into people’s medicine cabinets looking for a pill that would make her better. Your wife has the medicines available to her but won’t go to a psy. to get them.

Several types of treatment are available and one of them is called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which this website, healingwell,com, advocates. Data for that on this forum (bipolar) can be found above the list of names of people, such as you, who have written in for suggestions. You might want to look at that.

CBT is described as, “identifying unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replacing them with healthy, positive ones. CBT can help identify what triggers your bipolar episodes. You also learn effective strategies to manage stress and to cope with upsetting situations."

It’s a matter of trying to be positive about the problem, any problem, before you go into it so it can increase your chances of solving it by having a mindset that looks for a solution (positive) rather than a defeat (negative).

Any negative will be in the unconscious so you won’t see it, which is why it is important that you believe going into the problem that you can solve it (positive thinking).

If you go into the problem thinking, this is over my head, then it closes down your unconscious to deliberately not find a solution, cause your conscious told it to. But if you go into the same problem thinking you can solve it, it opens up your unconscious to look for a solution. Because you told it to.

Your unconscious is waiting for orders.

I'm sorry to hear that.

She might have to have a collapse of some kind before her way of life looks bad to her.

I had to have a nervous breakdown before I knew what to do: I had to see a psychiatrist.

But I'm thinking, if I had had somebody there by myside, encouraging me to get an appointment, saying, here's the name of a psychiatrist, just call and get an appointment, and see what the psychiatrist says. You don't have to take any medicine. Just get the doctor's opinion.

I think that would have helped. After the break, In my fantasy, that would have been what I believed would have helped. If I had just had somebody advising me.

You might still want to get the name of a psychiatrist, in case one is needed, you'll have a name right there. Perhaps a name to give to your daughters in case they see a situation where one is needed, and your wife agrees, but she doesn't know who to call.

I know at some point in my case, I thought, well, I know I need a psychiatrist, but who do I call? In my manic/depressed state, I couldn't make decisions. I also wasn't positive I could solve the problem, I was negative, and it turned out negative.

So you might want to get the name of a psychiatrist in case it is ever needed. Deep down, she probably wants some help.