Just a question for those not on meds yet

A dear sweet man that I met 1.5 years ago had just been diagnosed with bipolar when I met him. He and I both have a very strong faith in God and he helped me build an even stronger faith through our worship and love of God.

We were both older - I was in my early 50's - he in his late 50's. We had both had similar life experiences - married more than once, no children, lived in many different cities due to our careers, and similar outlooks.

When I met him he was manic (unbeknownst to me - since I really didn't even have a clear idea of what bipolar was at the time) so here I am in my early 50's and meet this handsome, charismatic christian who doesn't drink, has a great career... something I didn't even know existed. Well, to say the least he swept me off my feet. I had never been so in 'love'.

Several months in to the relationship was his first episode of withdrawal - I of course didn't understand and what seemed like an eternity - maybe 48 hours he called and told me he had just been diagnosed with bipolar and believes in retrospect that his mother had it as well. Fast forward 1.5 years and there have been many breaks in our relationship, many times my heart has been broken - for me, for him, and for us. Many times he has stayed with his brother, stayed in the car, been manic, been depressed, and now he is slipping into forgetting many things. So many times he has ghosted me that I cannot count. I have been there for him - it's an illness after all.

He tried medication and quickly went off of it after his best friend died and he said he felt nothing at the funeral. He decided he would rather feel his life than live his life numb. Now, we are at the end. I can feel it from both of us. I'm tired. He's tired. I'm heartbroken at the loss of what 'could have been' and still love that man soooo very much. But I must also love myself - I know that. I am allowing myself time to heal...

However, I do have one question for those that have bipolar and cycle through episodes quickly - maybe perhaps prior to you going on medication - and I really have no idea why this is important to me but it is really driving me up the wall and who knows, maybe the answer can help me heal even more quickly. Here goes:

If you are bipolar and find yourself in relationships, perhaps breaking it off and ghosting your partner, do you look back and actually remember or care for the person that you were with prior? Or does the condition keep you in a state of flux and movement? I hope this question isn't insensitive. I guess what I'm wondering is this... I still think he was a wonderful man - although not very empathetic to my feelings - he had a hard enough time dealing with his own. .. I just wonder if he will look back on our time with fondness and know that someone really cared for him? A friend of mine was with her bipolar boyfriend for 5 years and actually had a child with him - I just met her recently. She seems to feel that it doesn't matter if it's 6 months or 10 years - the condition keeps him so confused he actually doesn't recognize the difference. Is this true? Do you love a person in your past and feel your time with them was valuable? I know the question seems weird but just remember - I'm healing and grasping at anything her to make sense of the last 1.5 years! Thank you!!

Thank you for taking the time to reply - Yes at 61, I see he is going into what seems to me to be dementia or some form of it by not being on meds and I can see that it is cycling faster and faster in his life. We have had no contact since March and sometimes, I miss him terribly. But I do know this is for the best. Soon with time, my heart will hopefully agree with my head! Thank you again!!

Hello, your reply is beautiful, sad and so helpful. I have never reached out on a blog before - now I see why people do. Just being able to relay your situation to others and get a reply back from those who know. I had no idea how much it would help. Bless you and thank you.

Faithforlife:

You said, “Just wanted to ask about you and not seem that it is all about me!” Do you know how my replying to people like you started?

I was on a helpline for people with ear problems like I have. I had this very bad experience happen to me and I felt like the only thing that would help me would be to go back to that helpline and spill my guts, well, yeah, like you.

OK, I got on there, and the first thing I saw was this person who was having a problem, this woman, well, yeah, like you, well, it may have been you. No, anyway, my heart went out. I was so captured by her problem, that my difficulty disappeared. Explain that one, problem specialist.

So, ever since then, I’ve basically never mentioned one of my problems. I can’t explain it. Except, if a mother sees her child fall down, her problems disappear. Like that. It’s the only way I can explain it.

And it’s been that way for 10 years. I’ve also learned something along the way, and it’s called positive. I didn’t know it, but unconsciously I was negative. I learned that as a child.

So, I was practicing it as an adult when I read a column in the newspaper by a woman about being positive when trying to solve problems. On here, they call it CBT (Cerebral Behavioral Therapy).

It consisted of, thinking you can solve a problem before you go into it (so your conscious mind will be set on positive, as in telling it, “Think positive, think positive, think positive”) so your mind can start working on the problem, and be set on positive, which is the key element.

When the conscious mind is positive (“think positive”), it relays that command to the unconscious which then begins working on the problem, seeking out solutions, and in a positive state of mind. Both parts of the mind are going in the same direction.

Before reading the column, I (my conscious mind) thought I couldn’t solve a problem before I went into it, and my conscious mind commanded my unconscious to look for the negatives and not solve the problem. And it did as commanded.

And I could not figure out who was messing me up.

Are you generally positive?

To answer your question about, "what finally made you decide to go on medication? Did you go on and off for awhile or did you decide to go on it and stay on it?"

I did not get dxed right, so I could not be put on the right medicine. I went in as depressed, they dxed me as depressed, and I got put on an anti-depressant. That alone, with no stabilizer like Lithium, sent me from depressed all the way to non-depressed and then to manic and then to panic attacks.

And the psychiatrist never had a clue.

Finally, I was talking to a lay counselor, and he said, "I knew your uncle and he was manic-depressive. And you probably are, too."

So I was the one who went into my psychiatrist and told him that story, and that I was probably bipolar. And he put me on Lithium for the mania and an anti-depressant and I've been on that ever since.

When I saw how the Lithium relaxed me, it felt like the air had come out of an over-inflated balloon. I didn't know I was so uptight. I never wanted to be off of Lithium.

For your ex-boyfriend to have taken a medicine for his mania (and another for his depression), and to see the beneficial effects, and then to decide to go off of that, is difficult for me to comprehend.

I haven't noticed any changes in my feelings, other than I'm not manic, depressed, anxious or uptight.

Hard to comprehend for sure - all so hard to comprehend... what a confusing condition AND thankfully there are those out there like yourselves who take responsibility for your condition. I am a type 1 diabetic - insulin dependent since childhood. Just like I cannot go without my insulin bipolar is such a serious condition - There really should be much more awareness out there!

As HT said, we who have learned through experiences, some good, some bad, and are anxious to report those to people who may not have had them, so that those rough times don't have to be repeated by others.

It is grueling to see others walk up to the doorstep of trouble, when we've been there, and not call out some kind of warning, which is therapeutic to us, also. As they say, you get more benefits from helping than from being helped.

As for diabetes, this board also has a "Diabetes" forum run by Lanie who is very knowledgeable. She had a mother and an aunt, I believe it was, who had bad experiences with that illness and now Lanie cautions against too many carbohydrates. You might want to look at that forum.