My Mind is on Fire!

I think I have Bi-Polar.
I've thought it for years.
I saw a doctor about it once, but they said I couldn't possible be depressed and manic at the same time, or flit between the two in such a short amount of time, so I couldn't have it.

But I think that's rubbish.

Mania isn't necessarily happiness.

The only way I can explain what I feel is by referring people to the classic artistic temperement.
I'm an artist.
I get absolutely mad manic periods where I HAVE to do something artistic.
But I try to do everything at once, and I can't concentrate on one thing, and I'm a complete perfectionist, so nothing I do is anywhere near good enough, and it drives me crazy.
During these phases, I can be happy, or sad. I write classical music, and there's no way anyone who really understands music can say it's all happy!
I write beautifully sad music that makes people cry. I do that when I'm manic as much as writing happy music, in fact much more. I'm much better with sad music.
So I can be manic and sad at the same time.
It's not the same as the depression, it's more like melancholy.
I don't know how else to explain it.

My depression is really, really bad as well. Though right now I'm manic as all hell and all thoughts of suicide and giving up have vanished, which is pretty helpful, though I think I'll crash when this passes.

I checked some online tests for bi-polar and every single one said I am.
But that doctor said I can't be.
But I don't believe her.
It doesn't help that she thought I wasn't even depressed cos I just know what to say to people about that kind of thing.
I don't tell them the truth.
It's not actively lying, my subconscious just comes out with stuff that makes me look normal.
I don't even know how to stop it.

My Mum's Bi-Polar too, and I think it goes in families.

I can't even think straight enough right now; my grasp of the language has vanished, I'm talking like I'm 5 years old, rather than like normal.

Nicola

Hello Nicola
Have you seen a pdoc of a GP? GP's often think of mania in the classic style with high's and lows that last for months. Many don't understand the concept of mixed episodes or of rapid or ultra rapid cycling bipolar. Make sure you are seen by a psychiatrist.
Writing everything down as Rosie said is important as well. Especially if you find the need to downplay symptoms when the moment of truth arrives. And you're correct, mania isn't necessarily happiness, it can be the euphoria that everyone thinks of, and often is at the beginning of an episode, but that quickly disolves into agitation and irritation. Even rage.
I agree, you should be evaluated again.
Take care hon
I hope you find the answers you seek
Ellie

Hi Djonma,

I'm in the UK too! -- Yes, know how hard it can be to get referred, but as you know some docs are worse at batting people off than others. Go into your new doc fully equipped with list and stress that you require that they refer you. Oh and also, when you are selecting your new doc, ring around and ask different surgeries if any of their doctors have particular experience and/or specialism in treating people with depressive illnesses. Many docs do have special focuses, it's just we don't know about them most of the time (e.g. my ex's specialism was in hernias would you believe!?!) It took me a while to find her, but I now have a great doc and that makes such a difference.

All best to you,
Rosie x

Hi Djonma,

I work at a uni, and, yes, uni health centres will have a *lot* of experience dealing with depression! Having said that, most uni health centres are only meant as a back up to your regular GP and advise that you should register with a GP too. It may be different with your uni, but that's how it's been with the 4 unis I've studied at and worked at. I'd really advise you do register with a new GP aside from the health centre if that's an option or what's encouraged -- apart from anything else, that gives you more resources for helping you deal with this.

Rosie x

Hey Djonma,

Might be a different system there -- who knows, unis are funny old places and there's not always consistency from one place to the next! I'd just check with them if I were you -- be on the safe side. And if it's only a back-up, do look around for a new GP: bad ones are so demoralising!!

Rosie x

I know that feeling hun! I had a run of rubbish docs and then found one that was *great* when I was doing my MA in Manchester. Then I had to move house and was no longer in the catchment area -- thought the universe would fall apart!!! My next doc was less personable, and just sat there like a slug and told me exercise would fix everything (even though I was very fit then!!), but fortunately there was another doc at the practice that I saw one day when "my" doc wasn't available and he was great -- so I just made appointments with him from that point! I've been very luck down here in Portsmouth to have got a recommendadtion from someone I work with, and I now feel like I'm on a roll with good doctors -- quite a shock to the system when a few months ago I took my chances and booked the earliest appointment I could get but with another doc at my current practice ... he was a moron! Really just telling you this because it shows what a difference a good doc can make -- and proves that they *are* out there.

Rosie x