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Posted 12/1/2006 11:58 PM (GMT 0)

confused  No one gets it.  When the meds aren't working I just feel so lonely and left out.   I'm so sick of having to take a freakin' klonopin just to blanket my feelings.  y family knows what I'm going through but they just go on with whatever they want to do and leave me behind to deal with the darkness and despair that I feel.  My latest bout of serious anxiety started the day before Thanksgiving.  Everything I ate went right through me and that was while taking klonopin.  I guess I'm supposed to be thankful that I was able to sit at the table and not pace during the meal.  They say they care but it's not enough.  I brought home some information from my doctor on SAD which is one of my many problems and my husband just continued to watch TV.  He thought that by printing out one page from a fax machine on the same day that he had his done his part.  He never took the time to discuss any of the materials with me because he was too busy watching TV!  My daughter knew I was freaking out but she went to mall with her boyfriend.  Then when she was supposed to be home she called to say she'd met a girl from school there and would be their two hours longer.  My husband knows I'm having to take extra klonopin but would rather go to the gym.  He and I were both there the night before.  I've been there a total of 4 days in a row this week and just don't feel like dealing with that right now.  I just want my family home to play cards, monopoly, watch TV together but when I feel my most lonely they can't be bothered.  Also, my social life was integrated into my church activities and I don't even know if I believe in God since I was hospitalized in March.  The only person I really trust is my sister who lives all the way across the country.  I really have no one to call right now.  She is still at work and going through some awful things there.  The klonopin is one of the many meds I'm on that don't really work.  I'm sick of my life.  I landed a job out of the hospital but it turned out to be boring and my boss an absolute *****.  So I started getting anxiety atacks at work and wound up leaving the job.  I feel like a failure and have no idea what I want to do.  Yes, I ask  myself what I would like to do and when I'm having a moment of confidence (say in the evening) I think oh yea I might like to try this or apply for that.  By the next morning I wake up anxious and in a sweat and can't think of anything except take a klonopin (and the other meds) and focus on feeling like I can eat.  I vasilate between thinking I can be someone to feeling like no one.  Right now I'm so very confused, sad, miserable, lonely.  Will I ever be well?  

Except for a 10 minute trip to the store and a 20 minute lunch with my daughter before she went to the mall that's the only social interaction I've had all day.  My husband didn't call me until 5:30 p.m.  Yes, I resent them.  They can go out and do things with people and not feel inferior or anxious.  They do not care about me.  

Ailene  

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 12/6/2006 12:38:40 PM (GMT-7)

Posted Yesterday 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
I hope I don't sound unsympathetic, but that is not the case, quite the opposite.

I am not sure that your idea of family togetherness really fits your husband and daughter. They obviously have other ideas about what suits them. You may be a little off base here, and it doesn't matter if you are...they are still inconsiderate.

You said you feel anxious and inferior when you go out and be with people? I'll bet you feel like you are being a terrible fake in about every social situation you are ever in. Little secret, even those of us with your stuff pretty well together feel like great big, inferior and worthless fakes, at times. You are not alone in this. If you are letting others make you feel that way, just remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. You don't have to give them permission anymore.

Now I know, I am a counseling student and naturally, I think everyone needs therapy so that I'll have a job when I am finished with my schooling. BUT I have had a lot of therapy. I found someone who was so available, so real with me, it helped. She was constantly emotionally available literally 24/7, by phone. If I was scared, she was there. If I was anxious, she was there. If I doubted myself, she was there. If I needed someone to talk to, she was there. Mostly importantly, I needed someone I could really and truly trust, and she was there. She was there for me until I could be there for myself. I owe her my life. People could be rude, inconsiderate and down right mean, but she never was, and she was THERE for me. I don't face my middle-age years feeling substandard, but rather as a worthwhile human being, with a measure of confidence and a healthy helping of self-awareness and self-respect...and plenty of self-love.

I would want these things for you and I hope you find someone you can talk to help you through the rough spots.
Posted Yesterday 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
let's start at the beginning.  you say you were hospitalized.  hospitals don't "fix" you.  they only apply a band aid so that you are not a threat to yourself or others.  second, you say the meds aren't working.  have you discussed this situation with your psychiatrist (pdoc)?  if not, DO IT!  the dr only knows what you let him/her know.  third, are you in therapy?  if not, get your pdoc to arrange it for you.  studies have found that people with bp respond better with a combination of therapy and meds.

don't expect your family to know how you are and to fix it.  that isn't their job.  i am one of the luckyiest people alive:  my wife actually listens to me and is always there for me.  not everyone has that kind of support.  this is why you need a therapist and why you need to develop a support netwoerk (we're here for you 24/7, but we're only virtual).

i hope that this helps.  my thoughts are with you.

warren

Posted Today 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
Ailene....My heart goes out to you. I've been through the same and still do, but now I see and handle it different, thanx to therapy.

I just want to say I'll pray for you and think of you.

A big hug for you!!!!!!!

:-)
Posted 12/5/2006 9:20 PM (GMT 0)

Thanx Sinden,

Hugs mean so much and yours are important to me.  Yes, I'm in therapy too and today my therapist told me I was "stuck."  My day started with my getting up early but I didn't feel like trying to eat with my family because I'm anxious so I just took klonopin and went back to sleep.  Next I saw the sun comining in and I fought with myself to get out of bed.  My therapist said she would like to see me 2X per week instead of one.  My psychiatrist wants to try a medication on me called Nerontin?  Maybe I can eventually go off of trileptal and use Nerontin to replace it.  Right now I'm doing 125 mg of seroquel, 1 mg of klonopin at night (it's potent for me) and I'm breaking klonopins in half every four hours during the day.  I'm also on 900 mg of lithium and 300 of trileptal.  I would like to become stablized so that I'm not feeling anxious all of the time.  I want to look forward to feeling good for Christmas and finding a new job.  I know that being home alone is probably the worst thing for me.  Yes, I have hobbies but I have used them to destress after working not to sit around doing them all day while my family is away.  Chores are the same thing - things I did after work and on the weekend - not while sitting around all day with nothing else to do.  I used to also trying volunteering once a week as well as various roles in my church, but I crashed and burned anyway.  I'm just trying to figure out what would make me feel like part of the human race.  Nothing seems or feel right - hence the klonopin every 4 hours.  I have to believe that the other medicine is doing it's part that it's just partially out of sink with the rest of me.  Could it possible to wake up anxiety free?  I really don't have any reason to feel anxiety except to worry about my teenage daughter driving all around the metro area or taking the subway, her friends, her boyfriend, etc.  Right now, she is maintaining a 3.75 GPA while working part-time and keeping up with a modest social life.  But these are normal things to be concerned about not to have major anxiety about.  My anxiety is more about the way I feel about myself (inferior, alone (even when I was working I never felt that I fit in- I could go through the motions but mainly felt I was faking my way through because I could never disclose that I had an illness).  I may start the nerotin tonight.  Please send good thoughts my way!  You seem like you've found a way to hang in there - my hat is off to you!!!

Hugs and good thoughts for you always,

Ailene  

Posted 12/5/2006 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Dear Lady Dragon Fly

I'm currently painting a fairy that is riding on a dragon fly. Thank you so much for your insight - it sounds like you know what you're talking about. How wonderful that you are able to take what you know and turn it into a profession. How long has it taken you to study for your counseling classes and did it cost a lot of money? I'm trying to develop the relationship that you described with your therapist with mine and also my psychiatrist. They are working as a team since I have signed papers giving them the right to disucss my case with one another. They are talking several times per week. They are also in agreement that I may have hormonal problems due to my age (50) perimenopausal and I will be seeing a new gyn right after Christmas. I really wanted to get in before but there were no openings. I have been told however, that I should call every day and also see if they can start the bloodwork prior to my actual appointment. Meanwhile --- you know what I'm going through. Do you know anything about Nerontin?

Thanks for your message, you made me feel like I'm not the only one.

Ailene
Posted 12/5/2006 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Warren,

Tell me more about your support system and how you developed it. You can certainly know that I will not be entering any hospital again unless I'm going via ambulance. Do you have a special way of beginning dialog with your wife? Sometimes I just feel like when I'm feeling really scared and lonely - and I can be feeling this way when my husband and daughter right there in room - that they are looking at me but not really hearing me. Or is it that I don't really hear them? Sometimes what my husband says really makes me feel that he does not understand and I feel frustrated or angry. That he thinks he can say something that will "snap me out of it." My daughter does try to use affirming thoughts - I just think I need to hear them more. I realized though that I need to work on this more myself. For instance, if she says that she thinks "I'm smart" I need to repeat her words in my mind. If she gives me a hug I need to visualize the hug even when she's not there. Oh, no, I'm making myself cry as I write this - I don't understand why I feel sad when I visualize this - why am I crying when I know my daughter loves me? I really think I have way too much time on my hands.

Your thoughts?

Ailene
Posted 12/6/2006 7:40 PM (GMT 0)
Ailene,
I edited your post. Discussion of suicide or threats of it anyway are against the forum rules. We can offer support, but what you need is professional help. Please see the following resources.

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)

Posted 12/6/2006 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
i am a jewish metaphacision.  i believe that "when the chela is ready the guru will come."  you attract your own support group.  all that you have to do is to open yourself for their support and accept what they are offering.  i'n too old and crotchety to be a polyanna.  i've also been burned too many times - by family, friends, and strangers.  keep your guard up while you let these people in.  ask if they "feel" right.  it's like i tried teaching my grandaughters:  "how do you tell if someone loves you?  by how they treat others, by how they treat you, and by how they treat themselves."  also follow the money - or medium of exchange.  what do they want out of the relationship and are you willing to provide it?  this is why, i believe, freiiindships change over time.  the gospel according to warren.

my wife is very attuned to me.  my voice inflection will change or i stomp off.  then she asks me what's wrong  i usually say nothing and she usually says bull crap.  she keeps at me like a fetter until i have opened myself up and found out what's really going on inside me.  she doesn't try to fix it - she can't and it's not her job. she just points it out to me so that i can do something with it.

hope this diqatribe helps.  yuu are indeed in my thoughts.

warren

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