Is my paranoia REALLY from my bp...or from my self medicating?

 If this is an inappropriate question I apologize.  I  am just trying to sort this whole "thing" out.  Quick history before the questions.  I started smoking marijuana by the time I was 11.  I never have stopped.  I binge drink on very seldom occasions, and have been sober from other street drugs(narcotic/others) for several years.  In rehab for Heroin addiction, the counselors encouraged us to smoke, for many reasons.  I used it to detox off of methadone, valum, and paxil.  My pdoc said that I definately needed to cut down, then he said he was giving me 3 months to get ahold on it and pretty much quit or he wants me in treatment.  My question is...does anyone think it increases paranoia, or mood swings?  Intensify them maybe?  I think I am paranoid about being paranoid. Any body know anything about links between marijuana and bipolar?  Prolonged useage, and symptoms of bipolar?  I just took a psychological exam, and the results were, well...hard to hear.  I, according to this test, have schizophrenic tendencies(minor schizophrenia, as my shrink put it), bpII, and borderline personality disorder, not to mention, major depression.  My shrink said people with this type of scores are usually institutionalized, and only when I was driving home did I get what he was trying to say to me.  I just assumed he ment anyone and everyone else but me.  I that I know of have never hallucinated.  But now, I started to notice my paranoia, and other strange behaviour that makes me really wonder if my brain is damaged from years of smoking or mental illness, or what?  Oh, I feel like I am going to explode with questions, about all kinds of stuff.  Like you all have the answers to my madness.  Many would say, who cares what it is from, or why you are mad...all that matters is that you are getting the help you need.  My rational brain know that those people are right, but I would not be here if I were rational all of the time.  I trick myself, confuse myself, and analyze myself daily.  somedays just choosing a parking stall is ridiculously difficult, as I almost pull into 2 or more beofre finally settling on one.  My poor husband is just as confused as he says, "it's like your not even paying attention to parking...sigh.", poor guy, he puts up with alot.  Somedays I just sit thinking all day, as much as allowed, my kids playing around me, not even hearing them.  Just lost in Shade's world.  I try to give myself a break, a remember that I am going through alot, and I do have incredible pressure/stress upon me.  As we all do.  The neg. self talk is soooo loud all the time, and combating your loudest strongest voice with your weakest littlest one is an uphill battle for sure.  I am just trying to figure this all out, I keep having doubts about my diagnosis(s).  Is that laughable?  Any input is helpful.  Thanks.

No one can ever be sure what is really in weed, so you don't know what you are introducing into your body. On the surface, I'd say it was the weed. I have a friend who is quite a bit younger than I am and she has cleaned up off of crystal meth, heroin, cocaine and host of other things (she is only 20). She will smoke weed if she can get it and has decided that she doesn't even want to do that anymore. She says that weed can make one paranoid.

Thing is, what are you paranoid about? I had a doctor friend tell me that just because you are feeling paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get out you. Meaning, I suppose, that not all paranoid feelings are misdirected problems of other kinds.

I am a firm believer that those who use illicit substances are all self-medicating for something. My friend has a clear case of feeling overwhelmed with taking care of her rather dysfunctional, alcoholic family and she needed escape. She sees that there are other ways to handle this and she is finding the strength to distance herself from her family to some degree, hopefully a healthy degree without losing her relationships. I think she was also self-medicating for depression.

I think your doctor is right, time to stop the weed. It won't be easy, you'll need help and it sounds like you have some support in this.

Thank you all for every bit of insight!!!!!!!  I completely agree with you Lady Dragonfly, in that I am angry about the schizophrenia crap.  I have not ever hallucinated(that I know of),though years of drug abuse and real undiagnosed mental illness have surely contributed some bizarre behaviour.  Sober or not, I am not "normal".  I do doubt my Psychiatrists diagnosis(s), and my psychologist says to trust my pdoc, cause he's the Dr.  I said I felt he was a pill pusher and with my addictive back ground I am a little concerned.  I was actually stunned when the pdoc diagnosed me with all of these things.  I have a close friend who has battled with both bi polarI and borderline personality disorder, so I was slightly familiar.  Not shocked at the Borderline, too much, but all the other stuff floored and terrified me.  Bi polar, and mental illness in general as well as addiction is on both sides of my family, and I could feel myself slipping away.  I live on an Island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so when I tried to find a psychiatrist or even a psychologist, I could not even get a return phone call much less get them to accept me as their patient.  Just by chance after calling every dr/phd in the phone book I walked in to my present pdocs office in tears, and said I need help.  And so it began...5 months later and I am still confused and distrustful.  I am slowly weaning myself off the weed.  My phd is going to help me with CBT( Cognitive behavioural Therapy).  That is also what my pdoc suggested for my depression, cause I am not stable on my depakote and other stuff.  I just feel like I have so much going on, and I need a quick fix so the rest of the world(my family ect) does not fall apart.  I have to keep going.  My phd told me today that I need to stop trying to figure this all out, and that it is really too much to figure out at once.  But for me it is almost a need to understand it all, and make sense of my madness, I have such a hard time making decisions, and trusting doctors that I even thought they were in cahoots, so of course he would back up my pdoc.  I also have to make sure I am properly diagnosed/treated, that is one of the reasons I am here with all of you.  There is so much knowladge in experience.  I greatly appreciate all of the openess and sharing.  I'll keep in touch.  

shady,

i agree with dragonfly about most things she said.  i, too, believe that most people taking illicit drugs are self-medicating.  i alsoagree that if you're not comfortable with your diagnosis, seek a second (or third) opinion.  in many cases, however, the illnesses are very similar and the treatment is identical or almost identical (according to my therapist).  let me use my own experience as an example.  i have been depressed since 1961, when was 15.  back then depression was in vogue as the usual diagnosis.  i had several suicide attempts during this first really bad period, but noone ever knew about them - i  wore long slieved shirts. 

this diagnosis was repeated for me until 2001 which is the last time i attempted suicide.  i was taken to a pdoc and saw his nurse practicttgioner. she asked me if i heard voives.  i said of course.  she freaked.  i am a jewish metaphasician and spiritualist and if i didn't hear voices i would be out of sync with the universe.  that is part of my belief system.   she np didn't ask about aby of this, interrupted the pdoc, and wanted me admitted immediately with schizophrenia.  the pdoc ordered a scan of my brain and found out that i was't schizophrenic.  he then dxed me as schizoeffective disorder.  this dx didn't make any sence to me so i went to my therapist and we went through the dsm and decided jointly that bp most explained the phenonoma.

yes, i am a child of the 60s and believe that canabis should be decriminalized and depoliticised.  like many things (like the morning after pill) science is trumped my politics.  ask a believer in any faith and they will defend the most indefencible part of their faith because it is their faaith.  (only someone with bp and on an opiate pain reliever could make up that sentence).  research has shown that pot isn't addictive - and certainly less addictive than cigaretted or alcohol.  it is a trementcously good analgesic and works for some cancer pain that morphene won't touch.  research has shown that pot has not negative side effects like all other restricted druds.  but politics and perception keep marajuana from being legal.  the majority of drug cases in the usa pertain to canabis.  go figure.

i also agree with dragonfly about youir paranoia.  paranoia from pot?  research indicates not.  paranoia as a side effect, even a delayed side effect, of your other drugs?  could well be.  paranoia as a part of a personality disorder - another good possibility.  but dragonfly is not yet, and i certainly am not, a pdoc or therapist.  you really need the input from a professional.

i hope that this helps.  keep us posted on your journey.

warren

Hi guys...been awhile.  Whew, I have met with all of my docs since I last posted.  We are awaiting blood test results so we can adjust the depakote accordingly and see what else we can do.  I have been cutting down on my smoking, but really the paranoia seems to go way deeper than the weed... 

 In other ways, it is purely superficial, not like thinking that people are out in space reading my thoughts or controlling me.  It is more general suspicion/paranoia.  Esp. when I walk into a store, or when I am thinking I know what other people are thinking... does that make sense to any one?  It is so difficult to explain what goes on in my head.  Most times I am thinking that people think I am so fat, or hairy, or a bad mom cause my kids are cutting it up in the store, or the big one that happens constantly, even with family is that I know when I talk they think I am stupid.  On the surface it sounds more like self esteem/image issues, which is what the CBT is for.  But the bigger picture is that from a very early age, pre school, I placed so much value in other peoples opinion that now it has consumed me. Completely.  Some days I can't force myself to go to the store, no way! 

I am stuggling to untangle the web I have weaved for myself, and separate it from the mental illness that runs rampant through both sides of my family.  All of the women in my family have have serious dysfunction to say the least, and the men well,  my father died at 46 from alcohol abuse at least.  My days of narcotics are gone.  I spent 3 years in rehab for heroin addiction and saw a life that was not for me at all.  Hallucinagens are gone too, I am afraid of them,too many high school memories.   Plus, I have my babies now, I can't be doing drugs like that.  I am so thankful for you all!  I feel like I have an endless amount of support, feedback, and knowledge.  Thanks   

WOW...congrats on the weight loss!  I think my dad had bi polar or something, he certainly was the most intense man I ever met.  Looking back, I bet he did.  The diagnosis makes sense, but I just don't trust anyone,esp. a pdoc in Hilo, Hawaii!  I am trying to find a second opinion, but it's very difficult to see any one at all here.  In time...meanwhile, I am so tired.  BOred with all this, and feeling pretty yucky.  Snappy, and irritable.  So I better go, that way I don't say things I may regret later.  Thanks.

First off, I am so happy to hear you have been in rehab for heroine. I bet it probably takes lots of courage and determination to pull off what you have done.

Marijuana is a very opinionated subject to talk about as many have different ideas on it. Facts are, yes Marijuana can definately be a self-medicator, and in many cases for people, it is. Marijuana also has 4x the cancer-causing agents than cigarrettes do, so no WONDER it gives people a great high. But, if you are taking prescription medication and even if you aren't, most drugs and substances that are not exactly helpful to the human body can really put it into full swing. I am a 16 year-old recently diagnosed, and after drinking a very tiny bit on New Years, it has thrown me into a 2 week depression (among other causes). I never ever thought that just a simple few glasses would do that much to me. But for most people, it does, and most people don't realize it. No matter what it is that is causing your self-doubt, you need to first cut down your options so you can fix the underlying problem. And unfortunately, you cannot fix your self doubt with meds. It will just make you feel like a vegetable and it will not help.

I think all of us can say here, when you have a disorder like BP, or BPD, abusing substances is the worst thing you can do for your body. If you take meds, your meds and the pot is fighting with eachother! (now isn't that a pretty mental image =] ) Try cutting out the marijuana. If you are having trouble doing it, always write down ways to keep you occupied before you go into withdrawl and get tempted to smoke. Talking to your husband, playing with your children, taking a long walk, or even typing on here!

On the concept of your diagnosis? It sounds a bit fishy. I'm no doctor, but go get a second opinion. BP is so so so hard to diagnose. Did I mention so? Lol. Most people get misdiganosed many times. So check with other doctors and see what they have in mind.

Hope this helps =) I would love to hear back from you and see how you are doing. Send me a msg on here or an email , Best wishes,

-Allie

Post Edited By Moderator (smiler) : 1/15/2007 2:36:59 AM (GMT-7)