oh no...

I'm with you on not wanting to accept it. I have been prescribed antidepressants at two different times. Both times I improved remarkably quickly, life was *boom* awesome, much better, so I stopped taking them. I finally have a second appointment with a pdoc to get the right meds because as far as I understand, bipolar can get worse if not treated so I needed help with the depression but had to be honest so I wouldn't go manic and screw more things up or myself. I wasn't going to tell anyone about mine but then I realized that part of the stigma is the secrecy, if I told people then they'd learn more.

I still feel like before, I was on ice skates, sometimes I had the rhythm down but even when I slipped and hit the wall I was still always on the ground, with everyone else. But now I feel like I am just dangling above everyone, at any moment I could come crashing down. I feel different even though it's just a label for what has always been. I feel more alone and unstable. I hope it's temporary

Thanks for replying you guys. Cabinfever you know how you said you took anti-depressants and felt a dramatically quick improvement, well my frist manic episode was 'caused by anti-depressants (i think it was called venlafaxine) but it's led me to think...can anti-depressants 'cause mania when it might not have occurred otherwise? Has anyone else ever expierenced mania from ssri's? See i'm in a dilema myself with taking mood stablisers, i've read that if you take them then come off them then there's a greater chance of going manic so if you take them then you need to take them long-term. But i want to travel next year,i've been trying to save up money to go tavelling,but i cant do this and take medicine at the same time...so i don't know whether to give up my life plans for manic depression or to go with it and see how it works out, I really don't know what to do and how to go about treating it but still leading the life i want to live. hammilton i often hear about people being hospitalised for being manic, but how is it you end up in hospital...what is it during mania that causes people to be in the hospital? I've been manic but i've never been put in hospital for the mania - did someone put you in or what? This confuses me. Thanks again for your replies.

Hey,thank you smiler :) that means a lot to me.

Shine-On ~

I understand how hard it is to accept a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but in a way I feel that such a diagnosis can at least help you understand yourself a little better. I was diagnosed as being soft bipolar (Bipolar II) in September '06 and was hospitalized in November for depression after having a breakdown and becoming suicidal. I just turned 21 and have been on and off anti-depressants since I was 16. I definitely had periods of time when I felt "normal" and had my psychiatrist take me off my medication gradually, and I truly believed that I would never have to be on medication again. Looking back, being in that mindset wasn't completely realistic and I today I do acknowledge the fact that without being on medication I may have taken my life.

It was only recently suggested, after seeing a different psychiatrist, that I might be bipolar rather than just suffering from depression, with the main indicator being that increasing the dosage of an anti-depressant I was on at the time (Lexapro) did not help me and only made me feel worse, as if the drug had stopped working. I went off the Lexapro and started the anti-convulsant/mood stabilizer Lamictal in September, which helped a great deal. Stress and situational hardships put me over the edge in November, and during my hospitalization my Lamictal dosage was upped and Wellbutrin was added as well (since I mostly in depression).

Because I don't experience full blown manic episodes, I find it hard to understand how I can be bipolar, though I have started to notice there are definite behavioral patterns I go through that are very hypomanic in nature and that my friends and family always thought were maybe a little off about me. about a month ago I became manic and had to stop taking my anti-depressant, and am in the process of another med change, switching over from Lamictal to Depakote.

Just hang in there Shine-On, the diagnosis doesn't define who you are as a person and will hopefully help you better understand certain things about yourself.

I too have struggled to accept myself as a person, having bipolar.  I was diagnosed with type II ( less severe?) when I was 23, 2 years ago.  It took me until 24 to accept meds, I was TERRIFIED of everything from weight gain, to never being euphoric again, to being tired and zombie-like all the time, to withdrawal.  I have had problems my whole life though, with horrible anxiety as a little kid, anorexia as a teenager, and horrible depressions/anxieties/rage episodes.  I just never put two and two together, until I had a second episode (I'd had one at 15, and not identified it or been treated) of RAPID cycling anxiety/rage/euphoria/depression, that merged together into a feeling I still don't know how to describe, and cycled day in and day out, interspersed with feelings of semi-normalness where I would think, wow, what hit me, it's gone, then 15 minutes later it would be back.  I could not talk to people one on one without having to leave the room several times in a state of panic, had crying outbursts at work all the time, and so on.  So, when faced with possible losing my job, upsetting my husband, who already had panic disorder, getting in an accident with my INTENSE and obscene road rage or the possibility of getting arrested for picking a fight with somebody who cut in front of me in line, I FINALLY had to almost BEG for mercy in the end.  By then. I WANTED the meds desparately, and I also WANTED to be told again that I had Bipolar, and felt ready to accept it.  As I started getting better, am on mood stabilizers, Lamictal and Klonopin, I began to struggle with my diagnosis.  Always when you're feeling better, right?  For me, Klonopin was probably what made the most profound, night and day difference.  I STILL don't accept myself for who I am, but I'm getting there.  I HOPE to get there.  I am very open with people about it, to an extent, b/c I take the same view as someone else I just saw on here, that part of the stigma is the secrecy, and also I'm the type of person who thinks it's ridiculous that we live in a world that accepts people for who they are who have physical handicaps, diseases like heart disease, but NOT people who have diseases of the brain.  That to me, is unacceptable, and I think the world would be a better, and much more compassionate, unified place if people tried to understand what makes people different.  I can't always disclose every time I get the urge, b/c I work in the health care field.  But I think it's sad.  I often blame my ill feelings toward myself and my diagnosis on the world of people who don't want to understand and who make fun of people like us.  But I am TRYING to realize that I am a caring, loving, intelligent, compassionate, fun loving person who should NOT be upstaged by a disease.  I also struggle with remembering that it is a disease.  Sometimes I don't know who I am, whether I actually had control over my actions two minutes ago, or whether my emotional reaction is legitimate or a result of the disorder.  I think the fact that I am in my twenties, when the disease manifests itself for lots of people, makes it even harder to accept, b/c most people are just getting out there and expected to enjoy life and have this whole bright future ahead.  I think I tend to see it as a character flaw, and think that I am weak for not having control over it.  So I know where you are coming from with how you are feeling.  But you sound like a wonderful person, and I'm not just saying that.  Most of the people I have met with this, and many other disorders, are some of the most caring people I know, and some of them are my best friends, one of them is my husband! :)  So, take my word for it that there will be people who actually gravitate to you because of it, and the understanding and perspective that it can sometimes bring.  People who don't want to know you because of it, or judge you harshly for having it, are either uneducated, or not worth knowing.  I am sorry you are struggling financially, I am in grad school, and btw me and my husband's mental problems, the cash flow to the dr's office is beyond ridiculous.  Good luck in your travels, I want for you to do both, I hope there is a way for you!  Keep posting and don't feel guilty about not having energy to respond.  Just know that you are understood, and you are worth getting to know regardless of what title you have! :)

Thanks for that Warren mate. I'm glad you have a collection of memories from travelling, it may even have been the bipolar that makes us want to travel which confuses thing when it's that that's stopping me. Well i done some backpacking last year for 6 months or so with no meds, but i was severly depressed at some points,in fact it was depression that brought me home. I plan to do a bit of backpacking around cambodia/india this year,for a year... I don't think it's possible to get medications for a year while on the road, is it? Trying to find a the right medication here is difficult enough. I've never been on any medication other than ssri's which caused mania, i don't trust medicines so much for some reason - though i feel hypocritical for saying it. Is it more wise to stay on medicine and settle down in the summer and try and regulate my mood or should i go and do what i want to do and see how it works out,relying on dear hope?