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Posted 7/7/2007 3:51 AM (GMT 0)

Hi, I am new to this post and do not quite know where to begin.  Confusion is at a premium at the moment.  My wife is bi-polar - or, so I believe.  Doctors have said she is simply depressed after their extensive 3 minute evaluations.  After all, who could argue with a three minute diagnosis.  I have only been married to the woman for 27 years.

During that time, I knew she had cheated on me a few times, which caused us much trouble and me much pain.  But, yesterday, she admitted to approximately 11 affairs in just the past few years.  She acts like she has multiple personalities - and will change from happy to sad to angry at the drop of a hat (and she brings her own hat!)

I finally have a psychologist who believes she is bi-polar as well and will meet with her on Sunday to recommend a psychologist whom can prescribe new meds (the ones she is taking for depression seem to be making matters worse.)

I am at a loss to know what to do.  We have a 15 year old disabled son whom if we seperated or divorced would be devistated.  And, even with the affairs, I love my wife passionately and completely.  Although, I can forgive, I can't forget - especially, now that she tells me she has been a compulsive liar her entire life and has cheated on me at least 6 times in just the past year.  She is a recovering Alcoholic and I have supported her through this, her depression, miscarrage and even her previous cheating.  But, now, I feel that enough is enough.  I simply cannot take any more.  I don't know what I have done to deserve this treatment when I have given her nothing but all my heart for so many years.  I am running the full spectrum of emotions as well.  Crying, depression myself, wishing to have an affair to get even, you name it.  Logically, I know the latter will never happen, as that is not in me.  In fact, I have not even come close to even a discussion of having an affair with anyone in the 27 years we have been married.

Does anyone have any advice?  I am going to seek professional help as soon as my insurance starts later this month.  But, the pain is unbelieveable now.

LearningCoffee

Posted 7/7/2007 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
Learning Coffee, Welcome from another spouse of a BP. I saw your posting on another topic "a lot to deal with", and replyed my thoughts to you there. But, I also wrote to footballfan on that topic string just before that addressing the issues of being a long term BP spouse. We have been married 15 years with 3 young kids. So I do understand how that plays a part of the committment issues. If you want to learn more about me and mine, read the things I wrote on the topic I started initially, "living with BP spouse and need support". I've shared a lot so it would be easier than rewriting stuff.

Honestly, you are so early in the process and having the right therapists and psychiatrists can make, or break, the results a person/family/couple experience. I REALLY get your frustration about the 3 min. assessment. Crazy making isn't it!!!! We have been exceedingly lucky that we hit the right doc's from the beginning. It is not the case with many. SO...my advise to you is trust yourself and your instincts when you work with them. If they are blowing you off, not being proactive about teaching you how to deal with this along with your BP spouse, not responding in a reasonable timeframe when calling with questions, concerns or issues about your spouse or the meds...find new ones. Waste no time. The minute you are with the right one, you will feel the difference. This is not an easy process on any front. But you should also seek support too. Your love and care is great for your spouse, just also put in the time for yourself and your feelings too. YOU COUNT TOO HERE. Again...see what I wrote to you and football fan on the other posting.

So straight up...you are not alone (although I am fortunate to never have dealt with any infidelity or a lot of other severe issues as my husband has a milder BP2 type). But the frustration, questions, anger, resentment, sadness...etc. is the same, just at different levels. Here are a few suggestions for you....Football fan is also a BP spouse early in the process, married a long time to, with young kids - and infidelity was in his story. You could suggest a buddy system to give each other a private safe venting space and become e-mail buddy's if he is interested so you both can support each other through? You should also journel your feelings through this process. It helps to get the feelings out, on paper or log it on the computer. Bottom line, it will at least help you release some of the steam from the pressurecooker you feel like you are in with all the feelings screaming inside you. The unjustice of it all. This will in turn help you deal with your situation more effectively clearing the way for you to have a more rational mind when handling the things you are. Did that all make sense?

LFW
Posted 7/7/2007 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Learning Coffee,

Welcome to HW, I hope you'll find the support you are looking for here.  Again, welcome.  :-)

Posted 7/9/2007 4:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hey thanks for the response. I guess it is early in the game - but the game has been going on for 27 years. Today, my wife finally had a decent evaluation and she was placed on a new medication and is tapering off her anti-depresents which cause more mania. On the down side, we are new to this areas (location in CA) and don't have any friends here yet - and few left that my wife didn't run off from where we are from. On the up side, her therapist (whom is also my sons therapist for his Tourette Syndrome Plus) indicated the same as you and doesn't want me to forget about me - although, feeling sorry for me has never been something I have forgotten. He offered to take me out for a beer and let me vent. I think I will take him up on the offer. I quit drinking when my wife went through rehab a year ago - she has been sober for a year. But, under the circumstances... I think I would be happy to start in this hot weather!
Posted 7/9/2007 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
Learning Coffee, I never heard of a therapist or doctor offering to invite a patient (and as a spouse of one you are) out for a beer. But I am glad that you got a better eval on your wife. How old is your son?
Posted 7/9/2007 5:11 AM (GMT 0)
Our son is 15
Posted 7/9/2007 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
Ours is 13 and a BP/ADHD. I understand the challenges there too!
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