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Posted 7/14/2007 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Wow--

I don't even know where to start.  I just put my make up on for the day so I don't want to cry, but I cannot begin to tell any of you how touched I am by all of your support yesterday (and always).

Thank you to all of those in the chats with me yesterday, it was a great party -- LOL cool Serafena, your cape is comfy!

Thank you to everyone who posted replies, they ALL really got through to me and got me through yesterday.

Dutchie, I know you were checking on me yesterday, that means so much, Thank you.  You and Footballfan have been wonderful to me.

LFW-- Yoga wasn't available when I finally read your post, but I am thinking I am finally going to look into it.  The "just do it" is ringing in my ears today. And I did read some of my posts I have put out there in support of others, and it did make me feel stronger.

So--I did have to have the crisis nurses come to the house yesterday, but felt a bit better after that.  Actually the support from all of you was more helfpul for sure and the support from my bf was amazing.  He emailed me and called me twice.

I got out of the house last night and bought a novel, and I am feeling I am on my way out of the woods today.  I'm not 100% yet, but better.

Yesterday was definitely the longest day ever, but it's over.  My bf was really supportive yesterday, I got upset the one time he called, but that was just my symptoms making me distant and angry (not at him at the depression).  My bf told me he is willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together and to be there for me.  That means everything to me, and so does he.  We really have come a long way the last couple of weeks.  And I am beyond greatful for that.

I am here for all of you for whatever, whenever.  I really feel like you are my support family and I am so thankful for all of you.

 

Posted 7/14/2007 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
Yay. Glad to hear you're feeling better. See -- you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Posted 7/14/2007 8:21 PM (GMT 0)
I am so very pleased to hear you are doing better. And I am glad something I said got through. Be sure to buy a tape of the yoga for emergencies when you can't get to a class in the future, yoga does a good job balancing. And that is what it sounded like you needed yesterday. Karate or other forms of martial arts are good too. Plus, you don't need to be "good or consistant" with any of them to have them work for what you need (although doing yoga on a regular basis, or even MA's may help regulate organically a smoother cycling of the brain chemistry - have you ever journaled your days in relation to your period and see if there is a pattern? I learned about that when I did it for migranes - and now I don't really have them any more since I know what days in my cycle they hit and I then learned what to do to control them. Maybe 2 times a year at most now) The point is, it is a positive thing you can do with the panic and fear when it hits, or even the depression. It gets you out of your "cave", into the world, and helps to balance you positively. You can also learn how to OVER RIDE some of the symptoms over time if you set your mind to it (did you ever see the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? Its that sort of thing - it is a movie, but it is actually based on a true life of a real person who did it) SO...GREAT JOB! I am so glad to hear you be proud of yourself, you deserve it for taking all the right steps. NOW BUILD ON THAT! Hugs, LFW
Posted 7/17/2007 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Mogli, Saw your post to Dutchie and just wanted to share with you some support regarding starting some meds again. With the right combination, you will certainly be more balanced, and not go to the extremes so severely. Both my son and husband are on them, (they take ad's and mood stabilizers - along with some anxiety stuff for my husband, and ADHD stuff for my son) and while as you know it is not "perfection", they are significantly more balanced than without. It is pretty close to right on for both of them. Plus, there is no need to suffer so much on your own when there is help. Good luck to finding your perfect combination and the perfect help to get you there. I'm rooting for you!!!

LFW

SEEEEEE, another example of you being able to trust yourself in spite of it all to take care of yourself....you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 7/17/2007 1:15 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks LFW.  I really don't know what to do now about the meds.  I am one of those who cannot tolerate the side effects of the anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers, and my pdoc would not agree to put me on and anti-depressant only (which I agree with).  But to be truthful, he won't even consider an anti-depressant at all as any part of the combination if I were to go back on meds.  It's frustrating.  To me, BP type II, depression is a major part of the symtpoms, so I wish he would acknowledge that.

This past weekend when I was considering going in to see him, I was just going to once again beg him to re-consider the mix, if I wanted back on meds.  I have done that many times however, and he still refuses.

Anyway, now that I am on the mend, it's extremely hard for me to want to go back on meds.  But I'm not ignoring the fact that I will crash again and that recently (over the last month) my lows have been severe.  I have been doing pretty well off meds since I went off in October, but now I'm starting to wonder.  Ugh, and I don't want to even go there.   I wouldn't care if my pdoc and I could agree on something and if the side effects didn't make me feel like I needed an IV and a wheel chair 24/7--If those weren't factors, I'd probably be making a phone call right now, b/c I can recognize things are getting out of control.

Thanks again for your support.  Today I am going to the Mental Health Association in my area to get a worker assigned to me just to help me cope more.  My bf and I had a huge fight the other night, and with everything I'm dealing with, I think some more intense action is needed at this point.

Posted 7/17/2007 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Mogli,

As you know my husband and son are both BP II. Their med mix is Zoloft and Trileptal for the BP (then they are on other stuff for other things too). Now, you advised someone that if they had a doc who didn't seem to be listening, interview more doc's until you found a better new one. Do you think you should take your own advice here? Is it time?

My other thought is something my H/S's doc said from the beginning...that he does the bottom up version of medication verses top down style. What he means by that is that when starting any medication, he starts with the lowest dose possible, and as the body adjusts to that level, it will either stay stable or after a short time show you still need more, so then you raise it a 1/2 step - for a time it looks good then...puff, you see it needs more...and so on until you hit the right level where the being stable stays consistent. THEN, once one is level, you start the same process with the next one until you reach the right level in combination. Now, with BP for both of them he tackled the depression first (Zoloft), then when that was stabilized for a few weeks, we then started the trileptal until we step by step found the right level for THIER bodies. Neither one exceeds the max. (he also worked with the liquid version of each med if possible verses what pill dose levels they had so we went step by step…then when we found the perfect dose, we translated them to pill form with the right dose…did that make sense?). As every system is different, perhaps you need very little to find the right does for YOUR system and the reason you have felt like you have (like you need a wheelchair and IV) has more to do with being over medicated for you sensitive system.

I am SO like that. I react to drugs with extreme reactions, but if I take doses REALLY small, for me - I get the right effect or it is simply not the right thing for my "unique-oh-so-special" system. (Believe me, I would give anything to have a non hypersensitive system!....I get HIGH on Vitamin D...and I mean HIGH...hallucinations, pour me into bed time. And that includes being in the sun with too much skin exposed at once, or the sun is too powerful at noon, type of thing. And believe me...I NEED VIT. D. My levels are so low they are equivalent to a SMALL child with rickets. My doctors are freaking, they have never seen this before, this bad in someone my age....blah, blah, blah....) I could go on and on with these types of examples, but my point is....we are all unique and have our own unique little systems and perhaps this method of doing meds, if it has not been tried would work better for you. I know not many doc's do it that way, they go by your weight and then try to adjust up or down from there. It is just that I....(okay, here comes the mommy in me) don't think you should suffer like you did, and you will have a more successful and manageable life if you can find the right blend. BTW, why the antipsychotic drug for you? Neither of mine take that? They are just on the AD and mood stabilizer for it. Then my husband takes occasionally anti-anxiety, and my son takes strattera and tenex for the ADHD.

Good luck Mogli...I'm praying you find what you need here.
Posted 7/17/2007 7:17 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you LFW for your support and prayers.

My pdoc is pretty darn good.  This little disagreement we're in sucks, but all in all, he is in fact the most well known and respected pdoc in my city, and my city is big.  I am honestly fortunate to be one of his patients.  If I ever need anything, he'll do it.  I take benzo's still for my panic attacks and he's the only doc that I know of (and that all health/pharmacy professionals in my area know of) that will still call those benzo drugs into the pharmacy for me so I don't have to go in and see him.  He supports me immediately and fully with any and all documentation that I need.  And he has been my pdoc for 7 years now.

So, while there was a time I considered getting a second opinion, I know now, I need and want to remain under his care.  If were absolutely decided about going back on meds and we couldn't come to some agreement, maybe I would think again.  But today I have decided, I'm still not ready to return to bp meds.

Having said all of that, thank you for putting that idea out there.  I know what you're saying, if things ever got really bad with my pdoc, I would make a decision.

My pdoc did everything right as far as easing me onto meds (and off of meds when changing, and when I went off them altogether).  In the 7 years, it's always, always been small doses, slowly, working my way up, and if I ever had a problem I would simply call, then we would make adjustments.  You can do everything right and people can still suffer greatly.

In answer to the anti-psychotics (my most hated form of drug ever).  Everyone's treatment is different.  We tried just mood stabilizers first, he just added in the ap's to try and get that "right mix".  No specific reason, just trying to get the right meds.  If your husbands' pdoc/doc thought it would benefit your husband's treatment, they would prescribe them for him as well.  Ap's are used in bp, so it's just a matter of what the pdocs think.

Thanks again for your reply, all the best you and your family.

PS-Went the the Mental Health Assoc today and I am awaiting to have a support worker assigned to me.  Good news.

Posted 7/18/2007 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds Mogli that you have everything under control. Which is wonderful on many levels. I will continue my hopes for you that you find the right balance in life to manage your BP. And that is great news about your support worker.

LFW
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