Wife is BiPolar, HELP!!

Whiskey sorry to hear your troubles but I know exactly what your going through. I went through the exact same thing and in my opinion - depending on where she is in her mind - you have to handle things very delicately. First of all all the things she is telling you and doing are probably not her real feelings - you have to remember shes ill. When my wife and I had this problem I basically told her I had been wrong and really wanted to figure out a way that we could work things out. I told her that even though it wasn't what I was most comfortable with I would go to a counselor with her as a couple and see what I could do different. Now - all the time I knew what the counselor would say but when it came from a counselor - she accepted the advice easily. Had I said the same thing it would have been all wrong. The counselor also helped her realise that I wasn't all that bad and she had to deal with the bipolar. This helped us - this was the first huge step. Now we went to three counselor before she actually stopped believing it was me that was causing all the problems. Finally after 3 counselors said the same thing she looked at me and said reluctantly I guess I owe you an apolopy. I told her no she owed it to herself and our little boy to fix what was hurting her and then we would work on us. She agreed and it been totally different since - rough at times but different. Its a long road and you have to try not to take things personally. My wife actually had a semi - affair and I had to get passed that also. I guess you really have to love someone to stay. Anyway there are a lot of good people on here and I'll try to help when I can. I may be totally wrong and if I am someone else on here please correct me but at first I told my wife it was all my fault and I wanted counseling just to get her there. She even said she thought it might help me down the road with someone else but she would go to help me. Anyway it helped us in the longrun. A bit sneaky I guess but whatever it took - she's the love of my life too!

Whiskey, I am sorry you are going through such trouble with your beloved. Several others of late have also seemed to be going through similar issues. To get you started on seeking support on this site, I do suggest reading the following recent postings by Scared_Wife, and Darrin (just to name a few). Many of us gave input and to rewrite our thoughts would, to some degree seem redundant. What I can simply say to you is that unless your wife wants help, there isn't much you can do except express your love for her and ask her to start her meds again. Beyond that, you must choose to "wait it out" from the sound of it, or let go and move on. Neither option would seem to be acceptable, but until a person who is ill (or having an episode) wants help...you're stuck to effectively help the situation. Only you will know how much abuse you are willing to take in the process or how long you are willing to wait for her in the "hopes" she will return. You must choose the life you want for yourself too. We spouses tend to focus so highly on our BP partners we can loose site that we need to live and enjoy life too. We need to take as good care of ourselves as we do for our beloved spouse. Hope that helps a bit. LFW

Thanks for all the advice and support. I really need it right about now.

I'm not sure why she won't refill her meds. She was just discharged from the military when she was diagnosed in June, and now she is covered under Veterans benefits, but I get the feeling that she doesn't feel that she deserves them because she was never actively deployed and didn't complete the full term of her duty contract. I have spoken to her mother (who is also suffering from BP II) but she isn't much help. She does have one friend that I think can help, and has agreed to help me, but my wife is stubborn! There is no chance of seeing the same doctor as we have moved across the country.

Last night she told me that she would go to couples therapy, but that she was still set on separating, even if just for now. It's hard to hear, but I'm pretty sure that it's the disease making her do and say these things. I lost it last night after she left again and called her to plead with her to come home. My frustration is turning to anger towards her for not getting help.

We don't have kids, but she loves our cat as if it was her child, but when I asked her how she thought the cat would handle her not being around she was very apathetic about the whole situation. I want to give her space, but she needs to get her meds before we can start therapy. I'm just afraid that if I tell her I won't go unless she is on meds she will take it as hostility. How can I get her to go to the doctor when I have virtually no leverage to use?

Post Edited (Whiskey) : 9/12/2007 9:40:48 AM (GMT-6)

I'd agree with Need and Loving, Whiskey. If she'll go to counseling, then try it. The counselor will doubtlessly try and convince her to get on her meds. The stress of being deployed (even if she didn't see combat) and the stress of moving (especially such a huge move) are enormous, and stress is very triggering for BPs. I'm surprised she was accepted into the armed services with a history of mental illness. They're usually pretty strict about that.

serafena

I did see Need's posts, but I can get her to couples therapy, I'm just not sure if it will help unless she is actively trying to manage her disease. I guess I need to just stick with what I am doing right now and hope that we make it to counseling. Thanks everyone for your help and support, and I'm sure I'll be reading more and more here at HW. This site truly is a blessing, and without it I would still be walking this hard road alone. Thank you so much!!

How dreadful clc. I'm so sorry. Unmedicated mania can be devastating. Your poor son. It's good that you got him into counseling. I hope the rest of the family has gathered around him to make him feel loved and wanted. I wish I could offer a cure-all piece of advice, but unfortunately once the mania has progressed this far, there's not much you can do but wait it out or get her to a doctor -- which I'm guessing she refuses to do?

At the risk of sounding callous, you say the rest of the family and you are stuck waiting for her to crash... Don't wait any more. She has been brutally cruel to your son and has walked out on your marriage. Yes, it is the disease which compels her to do it, but she made the choice not to seek treatment or take medications. She made the choice to not help keep the disease in check, which undoubtedly helped form this mess. You've been waiting out her mania for a year now. You filed for divorce -- mean it. Move on with your life, let your son move on with his. Help him get over this rejection so that when his mother does come back (next month or 10 years from now) he'll be a healthy person.

best wishes,
serafena

We are going on but when I say we are stuck waiting for her to crash I mean to get her help. My son and I are moving on. She insisted on the divorce I fought against it. I did file because we are currently 550 miles apart and I did not want to have to attempt to go to court in her playground so to speak. If at the last minute she decides to show up for the court I want it to be in my hometown not hers. Before the divorce was filed I sold our home to our daughter (age 20) for 10 dollars. Now my daughter is selling house so her mother and her boyfriend cannot move into it. She wanted this guy so much then she can go BE with him. He is gonna have a rude awakening cuz she is very predictable on her cycling, she is due to start her depression phase about thnksgiving and it will be in full swing come christmas. Her mother doesnt want her in her home, our daughter doesnt even speak to her.

Whiskey, I am sorry for your loss. Seeing a loved one fall apart due to illness like this is heart wrenching. But you count too, and this was no life for you. Abuse is abuse, and no one deserves it. One day, if she finds herself well, stable, and functional, and you want to explore reconciliation, nothing is stopping you from doing that. But, by then you may not want it. In a way, you are experiencing a death to the relationship and love you two shared, and you will need a time of mourning. I know with the BP there is the "she can't help it" issue. But that doesn't make your loss any less real, and any less in need of being dealt with by you. I hope she does get the help she needs to find wellness for herself...It does take a brave person to own it all and get honest and humble with those around them that they love and that love them back, and commit to getting the help they need. Just ask the countless brave people on this site. But I also hope the same for you. And you don’t deserve to have your life ruined because you wait and live in hope that one day (which may never come and STAY), that she reappears. You have been brave and taken the first step...keep taking care of you here. Heal your heart, and open it to another when you are ready. I wish you the best. LFW

anyone know how long these "episodes" usually last with a bipolar???

Hey.. Thanks for letting me know..She has been on every medicine in the book, but the problem with her is that she gets off the medicines too soon and does not listen to her doctors...Is that a characteristic of a bipolar or BPD person.?? 

I don't think it's just a BP thing, Olivia. Docs always have to bug people to finish their antibiotics, right? I know when I was diagnosed as depressed the docs were just as adamant about staying on the meds, because many depressed patients stop taking their meds too.

I assume you're thinking of your friend, Pouli? How is that going?

serafena

Thanks again for all the advice. I've never been a man of great faith, but I've been praying like a nun in church the past couple of weeks, and I now believe that God WANTS me to keep trying. For now, I'm laying low and letting her take her time, but I've been talking to her friends and family, and they are just as adamant (sp?) on her getting help and us working things out. I realize that if we did get back together, this is a lifelong struggle, but I want to be there for her. We've been through far too much in our relationship, and I'm not going to give up so easily. I think I can handle the swings, and the changing medications, but I just hope she will want to get better. I wish I could find a support group for BP in my area, but the few websites I've seen don't list any. Might call the mental health clinic later to see if they can point me in any direction. Thanks everyone!