Had enough of this!

Hi Atwitsend_wife,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the support you're looking for here. There are indeed several spouses of bp sufferers on our board who can undoubtedly commiserate with you. Good luck.

Hi Atwitsend_wife,

I'm sorry for all that you are going through. Serafena is right. There are several people on this board that have bi-polar spouses and can relate/give advise on what you are going through.

I am on the other end. I have bi-polar and a husband and family. When I was at my deepest depression I was exactly like your husband. The list of chores that my husband left me, was a blessing because that was the only way I could stay focused and do something positive during the day. I at the time was incapable of doing anything more for myself. He continued to leave lists for me for a long time. They were'nt huge where they felt overwhelming to me....just little motiviators and things to help me keep focused and out of bed.

Sometimes on the list would be to run an errand or take the dog for a walk, just to get me out of the house/bed.

Is your husband under a psychiatrists care and on medications? If so, have you ever gone to one of his appointments with him to make sure the doctor understands what he is actually dealing with on a daily basis? I ask, because when I was going through really difficult times, my hubby would come with me, because my vision of things weren't always accurate. A lot of times I was unaware of how I was really behaving and my hubby had to clue my doctor on what was really happening, so he could adjust my meds properly and offer me more support.

Does your husband see a therapist on a regular basis?

I have learned from several people on this board about how difficult it is to live with people who have bi-polar. I know you go through so much! I know us bi-polars need sooo much support, but I also know that the spouses also need sooo much support too! I am sure somebody will be along with some advise for you.

I'm just touching on what it is like on the otherside. Going through depression is so very hard, and needs so many baby steps. It takes a lot of energy and persistance to crawl up out of that. I hope your husband is able to learn the keys to that by seeing his therapist regularly and joining a support group.

I wish you well as I do for your husband as well.

Sincerely,

Hello atwindsend_wife, I am married to a bp spouse, she was dx in June and like you we have been married for 15 years and have 2 kids. Has your husband been diagnosed properly? Is he on meds and does he take them regularly? I ask because I can relate to your situation when my wife hadn't been diagnosed yet and was not on meds. I felt like I was the parent of 3 girls not 2 and a wife, she slept all the time and didn't have the desire to complete daily tasks, her world revolved around her and her decision making was suspect to the point of being immature. Since her dx she has taken control of the bp, her parenting skills have grown, she sleeps regular hours and doesn't need or want afternoon naps anymore, she is driven as far as completing tasks and researching and learning about bp, the selfishness has gone away. I know this may seem like a perfect scenario now for us and maybe it isn't the normal situation after dx. My wife goes to a support group and is amazed that only her and the leader take their meds regularly, the rest of the people are so up and down every week and don't get it that the meds need to be taken as prescribed not when they feel they need them. As far as leaving or staying, I hear you, not for the same reasons as you, but I hear you.

Thanks for all your comments.....My husband was dx with bp about seven years ago. He has been taking meds, seeing an MD, talking to a MSW, IP and OP therapy. He does take his meds regularly. He will not go to any support groups. I often wonder because he has been like this for so long, if it is just the easy road. I do feel that there is more he can do. Like quit smoking 1 1/2 pks a day, stop drinking huge amounts of caffine all day and getting at least some exercise.
Of course, I can only suggest these things, he will not do them. Really, I feel like he is just waiting for some magic pill to make him better with no effort on his part.
Any more suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Hi Atwitsend:

The symptoms you describe definitely indicate that his medications are not working. You say he sees an MD. A psychiatrist or a family doc? Has he seen his doctor recently? Does the MD know how severe his daily symptoms are? At this point he is completely non-functional and a psychiatrist needs to see him and understand that. It's time for a new approach.

I don't want to be contradictory, but your husband's moods ARE completely out of his control at this point. I know it is incredibly frustrating to watch your husband seem to self-destruct and leave you holding the bag, but I can assure you as someone who has suffered through it, he would likely do ANYTHING if it would make it go away. It feels that bad. The problem is, the depression sucks away any energy you might have to be in control of your life, or any belief you might have to feel like you could change it. You honestly feel like it will be like this forever and ever and it will never change no matter what you do. The depression just eats your soul away, convinces you you're worthless. And it cycles. So you accept it. What he's suffering from is a serious malfunction of his brain receptors and chemical imbalances, and frankly, he IS going to have to find a medication which works to make it better. Quitting smoking isn't going to do it.

If you decide to stay, what your husband could use is some help getting this mood stabilized so he can get back on track. He needs is someone to be his advocate, someone to go to the doctor with him and tell the doctor what is really going on. Depression makes it really hard to express what you're really thinking and feeling. Your memory goes. If the doctor isn't willing to change medications or reconsider treatment even though the current treatment clearly isn't working, you need to find a new doctor. It is your husband's responsibility to take charge of his treatment, accept the help, take his medications, and continually work towards getting better. You say he's taking his pills and going to his appointments, so clearly he knows he has a problem. He needs a break.

You are absolutely right that the smoking, diet and exercise are probably not helping, but when you are already that depressed, being bombarded with a list of things you are doing wrong is completely counter-productive. It just reinforces the idea that he's worthless and he is already being debilitated by that. He won't be able to address those issues until his mood is stabilized. Once he's stabilized he can be more proactive about maintaining his wellness. There are ways to be aware of our triggers and try to head episodes off at the pass, but in order to learn about those triggers you have to be pretty healthy in the first place.

Could you tell us what medications he's on and how long he's been taking them? Also can you tell us what his manias are like and when he was last manic?

Be well.

Thanks!

Can someone please tell me what "IMO" means?  I haven't a clue but I see it used many times over on the threads.

Thanks so much..

wcc