For LFW

Thanks for asking Casem. He is still being, off and on, a bit of a bear. I can see he knows he is going too far, and his frustration in dealing with how he is feeling is evident to him, but I think he is seeing that he is having a hard time controlling it – and he sure isn’t acknowledging it to me. So of course, I get the fallout. I am sort of feeling like referee between my H & S on homework issues. That is what is up for us with our son. All of a sudden his grades are tanking over ridiculous things like not turning in work on time, and the quality of the work is simply not there out of laziness teachers in the past have let him get away with, so we are all over it. But of course our son is fighting us on this, with every excuse under the sun and because he is a teenager. We even went and had a meeting with our son's therapist about this and some other issues. And during the meeting while he is giving us advise of how to work with our son about this, he says to my husband that while he has only seen or known my husband in limited amounts of time, he doesn't seem to see any signs of BP, he seems to handle things with our son so well….so therefore he must really have his BP under control. Then turns to me and says that he feels in my deep love for my child I may be giving him the excuses to use in his life. WHAT????? This man does not live in our home, has seen my husband and worked with him only a few times in relation to our son, never dealing with my husband about him, and he makes a statement to him like that? Unbelievable…this man is usually SO brilliant. Well since then, my H has acted superior - like he his father of the year, and I am some clueless woman who can't say anything right. Every time I open my mouth to speak with my son now, my H cuts me off with a total tone of disapproval and gives me my instructions of how I am to do this. Only, he himself isn't doing what the doc said at ALL. Finally, I told him that I was no longer going to participating in this issue about homework, which he was welcome to be the one to deal with this, I was done. I was not angry, but it was just clear he felt I didn't have anything of value to contribute so I was stepping out of it. So, my husband has barely spoken to me in 3 days, my son is frustrated and crying because of how my husband is handling this, and speaking to him, because one minute his is the understanding father, the next frustrated and angry with him, the next threatening he is not going to deal with this every day, the next bashing at our son for being “lazy and giving excuses”, then when our son redoes work and asks his father to check it, it is clear my H is so frustrated and angry…he simple says in a chipper tone to try to mask it…”nope I trust you son, if you say it is done…then it is”…this is AKA speak for “too bad, I’m angry and tired of this now and I don’t want to deal with it any more!” And even our son knows that. But OH YEAH....no mood swinging HERE! Plus, he is not handling this AT ALL how the therapist wanted us to. AT ALL! Meanwhile, as my son is coming to me and crying because of how his dad has spoken to him and he is blaming his dad, I have to stay out of it and simply say that this is his father and needs to look at his participation in how the situation got like it is. As he begs me to take over this, I know I can’t until my H gets to the point that he ASKS me back into it. The day is of course coming, because he can’t handle this for long, it IS too frustrating for him and he IS loosing it. But then, I will at least not be accused of being this controlling woman who is MAKING him feel small. Which he should not feel to begin with as his IS a brilliant man, but he is also a man with BP and he needs to watch himself regardless of the input from the dr. which does not know him intimately enough to have made that statement. And I am not going t stand for being blamed and snarled at continually as a result of it. I haven’t done anything wrong. I took my feedback from the dr. and just said, “okay…interesting…I will look at that.” And have tried to follow his instructions of how to talk with our son about the homework issues ever since (until I stepped out of it of course since I couldn’t get a word out without being snapped at).

Anyway…now that the fires are over, and all are safe and sound and back in their own homes…this is how I am doing. I just hate those moments I have to keep reminding myself that I am seeing things accurately and I have to trust myself and just stay calm through it. Ugh! LFW

Sukay, I hear you’re upset in your response to me. But yes, this is what it is like at times to deal with our BP spouses. And the reason I don't go barreling in to "take over" is because #1 - it would escalate the situation and I have learned other ways to "deal with it" that don't as much, and #2 - it is the man in our family with the BP and barreling over him to take over would be very emasculating to him, and that would not be my intention to make him feel that way. Like I said, he is not like this full time, but when he is going over the top on the moodiness scale, it is a relatively rapid cycle back and forth for several days. On minute he is taking a strong tone, the next has calmed down, then get's pissed again/frustrated/agitated...and so on. I knew if I turned it all over to him that within days, it would become too much for him and he would ask for me to step back in and participate about the homework again and help. And he would view me as his partner again – vs. his adversary. He did this tonight. I love my H dearly; he is just not an easy man. The fact is, his condition is stable...absolutely. But as any BP knows, that doesn't mean symptom free, basic issues with BP are still a part of you, just not to the higher extremes so that if you WANT to control it - if you are committed and willing to stay very aware of yourself - you can. This is the part I think my H struggles with the most, and again, we don't talk that frankly about it regularly…it is too much for him. He goes in and out of seeing this behavior of his as connected to the BP. But it is. But I can't force him to own that, or see it. So, I find other ways around it. Does this make better sense? I just don’t like how I get treated sometimes in the process of it, it is hard.

The therapist we spoke with who said that to my H, was our son's therapist and he is fully aware my H is a BP to. But, as he has never worked with him about his life, only our son's, I didn't feel as though he used the best judgment to say that given what I knew my H would do with that comment, and what my fallout from it would be. As with any BP, holding it together and presenting a calm, balanced image is easy to do an hour here, and hour there. We are there dealing with our son's issues, my H is not about to let it all "hang out". Men have their pride. I think sometimes it is that ego that many times gets in the way for the men with the BP, more so than the women. I could be totally wrong here.

Anyway, I already know I am a very strong woman, or I couldn't deal with this situation day in and day out. But some days are easier than others, and some days are just HELL ON WHEELS. Eggshells???? Only occasionally when the situation warrants it. But as you can see, it is planned out to bring him around a gentler way when I can.

As to our son...he is coming up with nothing but excuses for the results he is getting. He is blaming everyone else for things. Including his father getting mad – takes no responsibility in that. But in truth, while my H is certainly getting a bit more upset than he should (and understand we are talking FAR from violently loosing it, verbally or physically), and he is getting their faster than he should, our S is certainly participating in prompting it as well. And again, not owning ANY of that. Literally after the 6th/7th time in an hours time of explaining what he needs to do to improve his work, and it looking like 3rd and 4th grade level work - and mind you he is in 8th grade and extremely bright...he doesn't even really read the material before trying to answer the questions, and continues to say..."but I'm trying...I'm trying...give me credit for that!" And no matter how many times you explain what he needs to do - he acts clueless about it...it can get on your nerves. Tonight, being a better night than usual, we spent 2 hours working with him, and another 2 sending him back to keep redoing it because he would say he read something, but clearly didn't based on the answers he was giving. Over and over and over again. It is a hard situation. He wants us to get SO frustrated that we will just do the work for him and give him the answers. But, we won't and he has admitted that he is just being lazy...but then says, "give me credit...I'm doing my best!" He tests in the 91% for abstract thinking and comprehension, yet in the 30% for writing skills. But he can't read the directions and follow them???? He is at a reading level above his grade level, but he didn't understand what the directions were asking of him to do – because he clearly hasn’t followed them??? This is what we are up against EVERY night. Then, he does the work...and FORGETS to turn it in because even though we reminded him over and over again the night before, to go and make sure all the work he did is in his backpack ready to go for school the next day...numerous times...he forgets it at home and therefore receives an "F" for the assignment because it is not turned in on time – and to say he forgot…is now the excuse as to why we shouldn’t be upset or frustrated. Again, my level of dealing with this is much calmer than my husband. This stuff is over and over again. I know part of it is being a teenager, part of it is his ADHD - but he is regulated on meds...honestly, but again...that doesn't mean problem free, it means the ability to manually control the rest if you want. And with anyone...BP, or ADHD, or whatever, you still have to be held responsible for your own results. Don’t you think?

So there you have it. I hope that helps explain it a bit better. Life just has its challenges and we do our best to face them and still smile. (sorry this turned out so long) LFW

OK....My last post somehow got stuck...I replied from work lastnight...but I didn't log off and shut down when I left...and it didn't get sent until this morning...I have no idea why...anyway....now I am replying again this morning....

I see some similiarities between your S and Michael's son who is diagnosed ADHD, but not bp. Considering Michael was just diagnosed bp, that doesn't mean his son isn't, because i do see many, many symptoms, but anyway.....

His 8th grade son is so intelligent and bright.....but his grades suffer tremendously for reasons that are so frustrating. He loves watching documentaries on history and science and could talk for days with adults on intelligent subject matter. His confidence is amazing. His personality enables him to get along with everyone! He makes friends wherever we go. We would spend so much time followig assignment notebooks prepared by the teachers, helping him with his homework, making sure everything was in the bookback the night before school, and he would just "forget"  to turn in his assignments. Michael would yell and yell, and of course, his son would not take any responsibility for  "forgetting" and start to scream and cry and say "all you do is yell at me, how can I think about homework". He would use guilt as manipulation, and then say "I am trying my best, I have ADHD. You guys put me on this medicine". 99% of his poor grades were due to missing assignments. His test scores were great. Anyway, when we did live together, every night with the boys was an emotionally charged argument over homework and the "gradebook wizard" (online daily report card of all assignments, test, etc.)

Recently, I am trying to encourage Michael to find a GOOD therapist to consider bp for his son, given Michael's diagnosis and his son's ADHD. His son will have major freak outs where he screams and yells and is so angry...he scares the rest of us....over relatively minor things. Unfortunately, b/c Michael's ex doesn't believe Michael has bp (she just thinks he is a lazy jerk), she doens't support the pursuit of a good therapist for their son.

You are such a strong wife and mother.....((((HUGS)))) to you!

Hi LFW,

I’m too anxious to wait around and see if my original post that I was in the middle of writing to you is ever going to show up, so I am starting all over again. :o)

I’m sorry that I sounded upset in my reply post back to you. I was not upset with YOU, I was upset with the situation that you were going through and how it affected you and what you had to go through to get through it.

I have told you in the past that I have learned SO much from you about what it is like for spouses/partners/family, etc., have to go through living with someone who has bi-polar.

It made me more aware of how my  actions/reactions/symptoms of b/p and how I deal with my bi-polar, affects my family. You brought a lot of attention to me in this area because of your stories that you share with us. I was hearing things that my husband/family were probably going through with me but hadn't shared with me and it really made me want to improve myself and be more sensitive to what I was putting them through. So I work very hard now at trying to control myself.

I was explaining your post last night to my husband after I was done reading it and applying to it. I asked him if he ever felt the same way you do? He shared with me that, YES he does understand. He said there are times that he just leaves me alone…when I am going through one of my moods… because it is better to just stay out of my way… because he knows too that he will cause more harm if he were to constantly but in and point things out to me. So he says he just, yeah, walks on eggshells sometimes and tries to stay out of my way until it subsides. He continued that if he felt it was getting out of control he would definitely bring it to my attention and make sure I get in to seeing my pdoc/therapist ASAP.

After reading your post and talking with my husband, it makes me feel so bad about how my bi-polar affects those around me and how THEY have to alter THEIR lifestyles to DEAL with me. It’s just doesn’t seem fair to me and really saddens me. I was upset at how you had to change your life to accommodate your husbands moodiness and it wasn’t until after talking with my husband about your post that it caused us to talk about things and hearing I put my hubby through the same thing at times.

So see LFW, I am still learning from you. And it is helping my husband and I to talk more about how my bi-polar affects HIM. (Such a nice change from everything always being about me). It helps me to really try to stay aware of how my actions affect those around me and to take responsibility for that.

So I am sure your sharing is not only helping me to learn, but others here as well, bi-polars to understand more what others around us have to go through living with us and also how those who have to live with us can find the support in knowing that they are not alone and be able to share their experiences too. We all learn from each other.

Thanks for your truthfulness. I hope everything works out well for you. I know it has to be triple the amount of stress and even more since you are dealing with not only a husband who has b/p but a son that has b/p and ADHD. You sure are working hard to give a lot of support around your home and here!!!! Plus you are not well yourself.

I wish you nothing but wellness and peace all the way around.

((((HUGS))))

Sukay and Casem, thanks for your input and support – it is also nice to know that anything I say or share is beneficial to others too. Additionally, it does feel so much better to get it out and know that how I feel has been heard by others who understand. Thank you for your compassionate ears. I also hope those who have strong teaching backgrounds who might read it can help throw a little advice my way in suggestions of how to better handle the academics and “special needs school issues” of our son. Or, other parents of “normal” teenagers, if this was their experience as just typical normal teenage angst – and if so…what did they find successful in dealing with it all? As he is our oldest, we would have nothing to base it on. I know that after my husband asked me to step back in and be a part of it again, both my H and I worked to stay very calm through our work with our S last night. But is it unbelievable frustrating because it is like walking a tightrope between "is this really the best he can do?" or "are we being played?" Hopefully, if it follows the patterns of the past...it will get worse before better, and finally he will stop being so lazy and suddenly the work will improve. Plus, we are planning to speak with his pdoc and see if the ADHD meds need a bit of adjusting. I am open to any and all advice. And thank you again guys! LFW

Wen, my son does have and active IEP. We moved to this school district because we were advised it would be better at handling these things for him. In many ways they have been, however, I still don't think it is covering it all. You bring up a good point though, maybe we should talk to the school some more?

Yes, I will send you the recipe, no problem, I hope you all feel better. LFW

Good Morning LFW,

My son had a learning disability where he could understand things audioally (sp?), like  listening, talking and watching movies (my son loved the discovery channel and the history channel) but he struggles when he had to read papers or homework assignments and then write out his answers.  He too never wanted to do his homework and kept forgetting to turn things in.

We talked with the teacher/staff and made some accomodations for him. 1. Any assignment where he had to read the questions and write the answers, an aid met with him and read the questions to him and then he answered them orally to her and she would write down Jeff's answers. He knew what he wanted to say but got anxious and confused when trying to focus on how to put it down on paper. Every test was given to Jeff orally also. For homework, I would read the assignment/questions to him and  I did just like the aid did and wrote his answers down for him. He was also encouraged to use a tape recorder to answers the questions/homework assignments and the teacher accepted the tape every morning. That helped Jeff tremendously.

I would make sure he literally put everything in his pack pack. And every day asked him before he left for the house if he had it with him. Once at school the teacher would make it a point to ask Jeff to get his assignment out of his back pack. She knew we were both working together.

He did well, could hear things and understand (was a great listener in the classroom) he just struggled with writing everything down. It became very stressful for him.

They encouraged Jeff to use the computer a lot with all the spell check features, etc. and felt it was easier for him to get his thoughts out faster rather than writing things down.

His grades picked up wonderfully! He too is a very smart kid but he just struggled with getting his thoughts out of his head and onto paper.

Jeff also used the homework helper after school sometimes. But mostly, I worked with him.

Hope some of this helps.

I'm sorry I've been AWOL during this discussion LFW. It's really great that your son can plan an active part in making decisions about fixing the problems here. Many kids are so frustrated and so confused, they really don't understand exactly what's stopping them up. For him to tell you the library is more productive for him is good. He does seem in tune with his needs. I'm really tired tonight. Let me give this thread a good read through and see if I have anything constructive to add. :)