i feel like am losing control.

i came out of a severe long long depression but a few months ago i started doing ok.for a short while.then a few weeks ago depression kicked back in.getting worse over the last few weeks.i have always stoped  and started my meds tried coming of them a while ago.failed.ive tried numerous times ove the years never succeded.went back on them recently started doing good but not now.stopped them few days ago.i was taking lamical serquel valporate.my family girlfriend have no idea i have.there know depression back.its that bad i cant hide the symtoms.the withdrawel symtoms are starting to kick in.i know everyday i go without restarting them is going to cause more problems.its a 11 years tommorow when my mom died.although if my sister had not said anything i would have forgot.but that dosnt bother me.i am starting to get bizzere thoughts witch are frigtening me.late last year i dissapeared got in trouble was hospilized done somthing silly in hospital.am thinking of leaving again i know a little while ago i would not be thinking like this.if am honest i should tell someone but i probaly wont.its as if theres still part of me thats in control but as time goes on that will go.i do not want to end up in hospital.i feel like jumping on a train go anywhere and take it from there.its crazy i dont know why i want to do that even thinking about it.but i know that i can do it because i have just got up and left before.i always seem to do it when i get in this state.i have numerous thoughts going through my head.last night i thought someone was talking to me i dont know if i was dreaming or not.