new to forum, diagnostic mammo and ultrasound found large lumps

Linda, just checking on you. It's been a bit since we have heard from you. The admin that owns this site, has several chronic health issues. He decided that people need a safe place to go to discuss whatever health problems they were dealing with. Hence, the creation of Healing Well. A safe place for people to discuss, get things off their mind, good or bad & sharing.

Thinking about you.

Zen, I hope you had a good dr appt. The heat is still terrible here & Texas. We are in desperate need of rain. This drought is terrible. To give you ladies an idea, our local lake here in town is down 8 1/2 feet, that was over a week or so ago. I have worn myself out trying to do a rain dance, lol.

Take care ladies, thinking of you both.

One of the appointments I went to after that last post was to my PS. The first thing she said when my gown came off, is "It doesn't look like we'll be able to save the other one". Everything was a blur after that. I was dumbstruck, and became tearful. It is taking me many days, and it's still ongoing, for me to "accept" a new reality for myself. That I'm NOT basically "done!" and ready to get back to starting a new life. The time period just to heal from the staph infection is 6 months to a year, so I've got plenty of time to process. I go through being convinced I'm going to be able to keep the right side implant, and thinking, Okay, I can deal with that. It's just going to be many more procedures on the left side, more complicated ones, I'll be finding new doctors, and just in general have a new timeline to begin what was supposed to be my "second act" in life (as an artist). Unfortunately I have MORE than 50% of my days where I think that I will also lose the right side to the staph infection, and then I basically "lose it" and cannot find anything worthwhile to think of. The fact that across my entire chest area my skin was reddish is what is so convincing. Back to the time I was thinking I was healing normally (after the emergency surgery to remove the staph infected left breast), yet the PS seeing me without my gown said it was extremely doubtful I'd be able to save the right one, was based on the fact my chest was red all the way across, and to this day it has remained so. I finish a 2-3 week course of this portable IV that is supposedly handling the staph in a couple more days. Then they say they have to wait 3--4 days before new blood cultures will tell if the staph is really gone. So if they find any in my blood, then off goes my right breast, and any other parts of my sternum and ribs, etc, that may also be in danger.

I'm sounding calm because I am on valium. My undrugged mind focuses too quickly and completely on the most severe cases I've read about.

Well I don't really know what else to say now. Y'all know the most personal, embarrassing things about my whole life. If anyone has any "good ending" staph stories, that would be nice to share!

Best of health and positive thoughts to all.

Linda, I am thinking about you.


ZenHen, you haven't been around in a bit, check in when you can.

The news was good! Although I did sob whenever I spoke—even after I’d gotten the good news. It’s the subject—knowing what I look like under my clothes and knowing that there will be AT LEAST one complicated surgery in the future—but mostly I think the tears come from the enormity and cumulative knowledge of ALL the unlikely and horrible things that have happened since my cancer diagnosis 2 years ago.

So when I first spoke to the doctor I was clothed, and then he called a nurse to come in when it was time to take my shirt and bra off. I had my back to him. As soon as I turned and he saw me he got an obviously surprised look on his face and happily exclaimed, and with surprise mixed in, “You are totally healed!” He came closer to examine me and said there is no redness on either side, and then he manually examined the hole on the left side and asked, “no oozing anywhere?” —“none” I said, as he checked all he various nooks and crannies which surround the main hole and are in the deepest crevices.

I got GOOD NEWS!!

Hi Susie and ZenHen and anyone else who may be reading. ZenHen, I wish you improvement/remission/cure with whatever health issue that you're dealing with is close to being true. I'm sorry I'm not being more specific, but I don't know what forum you're on. Susie, I hope at least the triple digits heat has gone down to 2 digits! I cannot imagine heat like that. We've been having severe, long, and heavy rain, with lots of lightning, too. The plants definitely needed the water, but for people who need or want to go outside, I think it would be dreadful.

Well..,,,that's all the small talk I can manage. I didn't look at the last few posts I've written so I'm not sure what all I've shared. I "think" I reported that my infectious disease doctor said the staph was gone and I had healed from the surgery very well. That was good news. It's still good news. But it only gave me fuel to heal my negativity and downward spiral for about 2 days. On that second day I went out with two girlfriends for lunch at a major spa nearby, and it was all lovely..we were able to eat outside under a tiki hut and there were fans and misters spraying us to stay cool enough to be outside. We'd been lucky that our outing occurred during a sunny, blue sky day, not the rainy days. There were pools and lush landscape all around. Really ideal. I "got dolled up" for the first time in forever- wig, make-up, a new top I had bought just before the July 17 surgery that was supposed to basically make me whole , really cute top, jewelry, great purse, great shoes, everything. I was so elated about getting out of the house. I'd been just about quarantined for so long except for doctors' appointments, and I never bothered "getting dressed" beyond frumpy 'for the house only' clothes -even to the doctors' appointments!

Everything did not go totally without a hitch. Other than a turtleneck I don't think there is ANY neckline that can hide the sunken hole in my left side without a lot of effort. My top was not low cut, but I still had to make it come up higher by pinning it in the back at the neckline so that it would raise the front. Also, although the great jewelry I chose were perfect for that top, the 2 necklaces I wore had to serve a purpose. One of them ended just past where the neckline began, effectually holding the top down so there couldn't be an unintended view of what was underneath. And a much longer necklace served to kind of weigh the whole top down--the top was of extremely thin material and the slightest wind or passing of the fan near us could cause it to billow out. I have several of those huge post-mastectomy bras that are supposed to cover everything (and they normally do), but in my case the the large cave that was dug out of me due to the staph infection could not be completely covered by any bra. I stuffed that side with the prosthesis I had from when the tissue expander in my right breast collapsed. It wasn't big enough since the cavity goes deeper than just having a breast collapse. So I filled it with whatever padding I could find, adjusted the neckline of my top, and had 2 necklaces to keep the top from moving at all.

Yet, despite these measures, just regular body movements to sit, stand, turn, eat, reach for my drink, all made a peek into the ugliness happen. Even with the bra that practically goes up to my throat and all the stuffing, even a peek revealed what couldn't be hidden: the top, middle edge of where the dug out area begins and continues into the cave. So all through what WAS a lovely few hours with friends, I had to continually check and adjust my top and jewelry to cover the ugly.

Maybe it was that experience that caused me to wake up in the dark pit of despair and hopelessness that I increasingly feel daily. To go through as much effort as I did to look normal, to look like me, the pre-mastectomy me, and hide what was really there, and to have the efforts largely fail while just doing a regular activity--eating out in public, was like a knock-out punch. pt 1... i'll continue in a little bit..

Post Edited (exqualls) : 9/13/2018 5:48:40 PM (GMT-6)

Linda, I truly wish there was something I could say or do to help get you out of this dark hole. I am glad that you spoke to a girlfriend & laid all of your cards out on the table. Whether it helped you a lot, it gave your friend some great insight to what has been going on with you for the past 2 years.


I know you that you feel like giving up, but you simply cannot. Yes, you have had a horrendous two years & you survived all of the cancer treatment. That took an extremely strong lady to handle all of this. You are a fighter.

Take a break & come back when you feel like it. I will keep continue to keep you in my prayers my friend.

Today I awoke feeling emotionally just about like the old me---fearless, and the most positive person in the world. Or more accurately, I feel the POSSIBILITY that I can be fearless and endlessly positive again. Which I truly thought was gone for good.

This is a breast cancer forum, and it's the result of the 7/17-8/1 surgeries to finally get my implants , and then to lose one breast, plus more of me--lots of muscle tissue, more skin than just the breast skin, and my sternum is now misshapen so, the bulk of everything I report on after doctors' appointments will all be a result of initially getting cancer.

A cancer that "should have" had an easy, predictable fix-- mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, and get back to my normal life. And while how I look, if and how I can be reconstructed is all stemming from the initial diagnosis....my "normal life" I presumed I'd returned to is not possible due to Voldemort. I know I am extremely fortunate to be about 90-95% healed from that disease. At my last neuro visit I asked how much more improvement I could expect. And he said since it's been a year and a half, this is almost definitely as well as I am going to recover. That would be happy enough news for most people. For me, what I'm left with after the disease I will not name, is the bottom inch of my feet have no feeling, and the palms of my hands. It feels like I'm wearing latex gloves all the time. Which makes any small manual labor extremely frustrating. I've vented about how many mistakes I make while typing as I can't feel the keys properly, and it's worse on my cell phone, since there is just a virtual keyboard. But thank God that someone invented voice texting. I drop lightweight things all the time, as I can't judge how much of a grip I have on things. With heavier things I've got my biceps or even thighs that do most of the judging about how I have to grip something. The things I've done for decades in my "normal" pre-cancer days included karate, kickboxing, dancing, tennis, racquetball, bowling---none of which I can do without balance.

So what may seem like "vainful" whining because I lost my left breast again (and more) due to the staph infection, it is not NOT from vanity, or the inconvenience of knowing more surgeries are to come, that I lament there will never be a "back to my normal life", which is truly what causes me to hide in a dark room for hours or even days. It is because of Voldemort.

I did mention in an earlier post that I had planned on a new career. (I got disability due to my numbness and balance and chemo brain, which also persists). My new career was/is going to be as an artist. I have done quite a lot of oil paintings since January. It is not easy! I drop the brush SOOOOO many times it's unreal. Landing on my clothing, then bouncing and rolling around the wood floor. I've dropped wet paintings onto other wet paintings as I hopelessly try to catch it as it falls. I've not been able to tell how firmly I'm gripping the brush and make TONS of unintentional strokes. So I have a lot to re-do all the time. Usually trying to fix one mistake, causes a new mistake, and then again and again and again. It's quite an experience. I used to paint as a child but gave it up for the piano. As an adult, when the kids' schools found out I could draw (during my many years of volunteering), I would occasionally have to paint something for school decorations. That led to 3 commissions to paint for individual people. This all ended probably 11 years ago, when the youngest got to middle school. There weren't as many "hands on" volunteering that parents did. It was mainly chaperoning them on field trips (which can be a nightmare). Anyway I went from painting as a child to not painting at all, except for a half-dozen jobs during the boys' elementary years. They are now 23 and 24. When I knew I couldn't return to any of the physical activities that dominated my pre-cancer life, I went on Amazon and bought easels and paints and other supplies. At the time I bought them, I didn't know my hands weren't going to get their feeling back completely, or I might not have. But I'm very glad I did. Even though the process I go through due to unfeeling hands is very frustrating, I am enjoying it immensely , and have surprised myself at how good I am! If I had money I would get a store front and sell and paint from there. Friends have told me to sell through Etsy. A friend began the set-up process on Etsy by securing a name for my art store. It's a horrible name that I've picked, but I don't care. It's not officially open until I put something in there for sale, but the name is "isurvivedGBS". Doesn't sound like it has anything to do with art, and most people have never heard of GBS and would not venture to even look. But I don't care. The name really summarizes the WHY I am painting at all. I survived GBS with only one part of "me" still able to function, the artist. I don't know when the "store" will open. Obviously I've had a lot of setbacks, and I still face many days where I don't want to do anything at all but absorb myself in my pity party. I don't particularly care if they sell! Although obviously I need money, I am painting for ME. And I would like other people to see my work, even if they don't buy it. I'm going to keep painting no matter what.

Okay! Long enough for today! Best of health and positive thoughts to all.

Linda, I am so, so glad that I misinterpreted your thread. I truly thought you were taking a break here. Now you have a new PS that does sound promising. The thought of more surgery is daunting no less, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.


I think it would be great to start back in racquetball or whatever activity you want to. Kudos to your dr for taking point on this! Perhaps this would help relieve some of your stress. You know, I am going to throw this out here. Can you do a google search for an individual (female) hypnotist for relaxation in your area? It may be something to try. Nancy was the best thing since sliced bread for me, she was wonderful. Believe me, lol, I was extremely skeptical going in. I know people claim that the group thing works, well, not for me, just my personal thoughts. The idea of sitting in a room with a group of people, no way. Nancy had a room in her home that was used strictly for this. I can still see the room to this day. It was the most soothing & relaxing place.


Our temperature has dropped, but we have gone from no rain to monsoon like rain. My son heard on the weather this past week that from Feb/Aug we had a little over 2 inches of rain. Not getting the usual spring rain caused a drought. However, the month of September we had almost 13 inches!! The days on not having sunshine was no fun. We have more rain predicted for the weekend. I am so tired of it & tired of being stuck inside. I need sunshine to recharge my batteries, lol.


I need to get busy around here. So much to do, I have been pretty slack all week, now it's time to pay the fiddler, lol. Take care.