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Posted 9/4/2006 9:05 PM (GMT 0)

i had my first treatment and had a lot of naseua. Today I am feeling so blue like I am wondering where I will find the strength to continue the rest of the journey. I know for my children I will somehow continue this journey but at this moment , the hair loss, the side effects and the whats if..  are getting the best of me. In the shower this morning I felt like I really was loosing it. I had this intense sadness and I can not shake the hair thing. I felt like crying and crying and actually did just that. Oh ladies why is their not a cure for this bc, why are so many women suffering. I dont want my daughter to have to experience this nightmare. Lets all pray that  a cure will be found and their will no longer be a need for breast cancer sites.. I am so sorry to vent to all of you but I just need a little inspiration.

Thanks to all who read and listen to my venting. Maybe a better day tomorrow. One day at a time.

Posted 9/4/2006 10:40 PM (GMT 0)
Lean,
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. The journey is rough but you can do it. You are now one day closer to this being over. Your not alone. There are a lot of wonderful women here and we all know what you are going through.
If you try to keep somethig dry in your stomach at all times, just a little bit at a time it does help. Do you have help at home?
I know what you are saying about the hair loss. It was the hardest part for me but when it was gone that was it and I knew it would grow back and it did more beautiful then before.
Vent all that you want you have every right this sucks and you don't deserve this. I also pray everyday that they find a cure so not one other women will be touched by this disease but until that day you go right ahead and cry if you need to. The shower is the best place for that let the shower wash the tears away and then you can get out and start the day.
You are going to be amazed at just how very strong you are. I very rarely post but I just felt you needed to hear from someone that cares and I do. Sending you a very gentle hug.
I pray tomorrow will be better for you.
God Bless
Donna
Posted 9/4/2006 10:58 PM (GMT 0)
Ah we have all had many days like that. Funny thing about treatment is you think you have no control at all and in some ways you do not, but in others you do. My favorite story is going shopping for a wig (Dr. told me I had 17 days before I would be totally bald, so to get myself a wig), and my denial was that I would only need it for a short while. I went to a dept. store and bought a wig on sale. Plopped it on my head and decided it was a close match. Good enough right.... Nope I remember well climbing in the shower bald and just standing there, at a total loss trying to decide if you use soap or shampoo on a bald head. I realized how dumb that was. I started to laugh and cleared that hurtle with a chuckle and decided that trying to face all the trials that way might make it better. I got out of the shower and put my wig on for the first time with a bald head. Well so much for my chuckles... I swear that darn furball had teeth. Something was biting my bald head. I pulled it off my head and threw it on the floor and stomped on in. I stomped it so bad all the time yelling I might have to put up with cancer but this I do not have to take. Vic and I still laugh about how he came running, thinking I had finally totally lost it. Cancer is a see saw. You just have to hope for more ups than downs. I hope you have many things you can look back on a laugh at. Yes, I know if anyone had written that last line to me after I started Chemo I would have thought they were nuts.  Hugs, Joyce
Posted 9/4/2006 11:33 PM (GMT 0)

Leah,

As Joyce said, it is the loss of control that is most depressing.  It was very normal for you to feel blue and defeated.  Thank God it doesn't happen often as He will fill you with lots of strength.  I agree with dwelling on the funny stuff.  Believe me it really is there.   I was so blessed with my type of B/C.  I did not have to go through any chemo or rad.  My type of cancer was resilient to that type of treatment and only the mast. would do.  So I really haven't experienced what you are going through.  But experiencing grief for your loss of health and physical loss is something all of us can understand.  I cried many times in the shower.  I seems to be the most private of spaces.

I will pray that the Lord helps you through your journey. 

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us and always come to us.  It helps to write it down (It is like speaking out loud.)  We will always listen and try to help.  AND.....we all have our days that we need to vent.  I thank God for this wonderful site.  It saved my sanity after my dx. and I have made lasting friendships that I hold deep in my heart.

Hugs to you my new Breast Friend,

Candy

Posted 9/5/2006 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
By accident I saw you posted in depression forum, so I felt the need to come in here and reply to your post.

A close friend of mine recently has finished all her treatments, first it was Chemo, then the radiation (just finished afew weeks ago). I remember being with her in the first week after her first treatment, and she was so low, so depressed, scared, full of anxiety, not knowing anything. All I can tell you is, rely on EVERY source of strength in your life! Friends, family, people here, neighbours...Every person can serve a huge purpose in your life to help you through this rough time for you.

If you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream! If you need to break a dish, do it! Allow yourself to go through the stages of this, but just know that YOU will make it through to the other side! I don't know you, but I have faith that your inner strength and your desire to FIGHT will takeover and get you through this!

If you haven't yet, definately get some CD's on relaxation, and meditation. Do deep breathing daily and find that special safe place in your mind you can go to....

I'm sorry that you're going through this. My thoughts are with you and your whole family.
Posted 9/5/2006 7:11 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry you are going through this right now.  Trust me - we have all been there.  Even myself, being the positive person that I am, had moments like you are experiencing.  It is normal.  Just don't let them get the best of you.  It WILL get better!  There are amusing sides to this experience, so try to find them and laugh.  It will help.  But, when you need to cry - cry.  Then come here and post.  We will listen.  

 

Right now, you feel like the world has stopped.  That's how I felt - everything was in slow motion.  You walk around in a daze.  I think that's all the chemo drugs.  It's only temporary and you will get back to normal.  It just takes time.  You can get through this. 

Posted 9/13/2006 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
Leah - I am right with you girl. This is the first week I haven't cried every day and I think it is because my treatments are finally about to start--but the hair loss has to be the worst--I still can't bring myself to get the darn wig! But when I was with friends on Saturday something occurred to me. We were sitting in the sun (which I need)at a concert and it occurred to me that if I get a tan in my "part," when I am bald, I will have a tan line down my head; also, I have a little bump on my head which has always been there. I have always wondered if it is a mole--now I will know. When I told my friend's husband these two things, he just started to laugh. Why not joke about it although I still think it is scary scary scary. I figured that at Halloween I would wear one of those colorful tinsel wigs to work and paint my nose red! But I am right with you----------Love and Hugs Sandy
I hope I can have a sense of humor in a week when my treatments start................................................. I am scared
Posted 9/13/2006 7:15 PM (GMT 0)
Leah:

 

I remember when I felt like you do.  I just kept on thinking of my little boy and how I had to be there for him.  I'm glad you have a daughter to think of.

 

I'm praying for you.

Posted 10/9/2006 6:10 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Leah. I think we all feel like that in the beginning. So lost, so alone, so in a fog...wondering how we will ever make it through everything. What I learned is to not look at the whole picture. If you do, you will be so overwhelmed. Start focusing on getting through one treatment or test at a time. Don't look any farther than that. Get through the treatment and then focus on the next one. Take baby steps and you will be at the end before you know it. Things DO get better, so hang in there.

Cindy

Posted 10/9/2006 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Leah. As a final note of irony...many women go through a bout of depression after treatment...you spend months having surgery, seeing doctors, undergoing chemo and/ or radiation, and then...suddenly you are doing nothing. Your hair grows back. For months, you don't see a doctor, have a blood test, go to a treatment, and you feel very vulnerable. Suddenly you're doing nothing to activley fight "the cancer." We've all had our share of good cries in the shower, you can be sure. I've been living with the aftermath of breast cancer for almost 12 years now...and I still sometimes have to have a good cry about it...and then I remind myself that I just gave cancer a minute (or two or five) of my life that I didn't have to give it. Every minute I give in to cancer is a minute of my life that I have just freely wasted, and personally, that's not how I want to spend however minutes I have left in this life!

Good luck to you, Leah. And just keep your thoughts on that daughter, how you're going to see her grow up and graduate from college and annoint you with beautiful grandbabies to love someday.

Love and hugs...
BEV
Posted 10/9/2006 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Leah...Boy I remember when I felt exactly like you do...I wanted to quit chemo...I didnt think I could put up with another person staring at my bald head or my face without the lashes or brows. Didnt think I could take being sick and tired all the time. I just wanted cancer to go away.

Well 6 yrs later I am still here. I will be starting chemo again for the
4th time sometime in November ( Depends on ct scans & bone scan )
I still get mad, I rant and rave and cry. You need to know that is okay,
as long as you dont stop fighting !

Stay with us and these wonderful ladies will help get you thru these bad times. Remember we are sisters !

Hugs,

Cathi
Posted 10/10/2006 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
What a great supportive thread this is. You guys are the greatest!!!! I didn't respond earlier because I was blessed by not having to go through all this after having a mastectomy. When I read about your experiences it makes me feel humbled to know you all.

Cathi I met a woman last week at the community concert that reminded me of you, she looked like you when we first met. She was wearing a BC cap so I spoke to her and told her I was almost ten years out. She said she was six years out and this was the third time she was going through chemo.

I also met Angela Dula's twin at the sleep clinic. You know they say everyone has a twin somewhere, this woman looks and smiles just like Angela.

Hugs, MK
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