HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Meltdown

Support Forums
>
Breast Cancer
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/2/2007 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
It's been a long 1 1/2 years for me and I really never reached the "freak-out" stage...until yesterday. I guess I got tired of being brave and making everyone else laugh and feel good. I was watching a movie that I knew nothing about, one of my favorite actresses Diane Keaton was in it. Well in one scene she opened her shirt and she was missing a breast. I haven't cried in years it feels like due to meds. I also suffer from Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, which the Cancer has helped so much in giving me my life back from that.

I finally let it all go thanks to Diane Keaton. I cried and cursed and realized all that I am going through, I cried for the loss of my mom, my brother, my dog and myself. I don't feel I know who I am anymore and I have to find that person again. I don't feel sexy or pretty, I feel like I am just this person with no breasts and who has gained weight and doesn' know how to deal with any of it.

So....my mission is to really work on myself and learn to embrace my new body. I look at my scars as a badge of honor, but I also look at them as something that has taken so much of me away.

Thanks for listening to my rants...I just needed to get this out.

xoxoxox

eve

Posted 10/2/2007 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, Eve, I'm sorry you are going through this, but maybe it will help you start to heal emotionally.  I am here for you any time you need me.  I think we need to meet each other in person.  Let me know if you would like to do that.
Posted 10/3/2007 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Kathy....
Thanks so much for the support. It seems like a long road ahead. I would love to meet at some point!!!
xoxoxox
eve
Posted 10/3/2007 3:43 AM (GMT 0)
EVE,

I feel your pain...I really really do. Everyone tells me all thetime how strong I am for what I have been through,sometimes I would just like to be......"babied" ( Don't know if that's the right word)
Besides the pain, I am good all day, as soon as I take off my clothes off
to bath I go into like a different character.
I had my mastectomy 2 weeks ago, and lost my dad the day after.. who I hadn't talked to in 4 years, becasue when I had thyroid cancer he couldnt take me for a radiation treatment becasue he had to take a frind to Sears for a battery for hr car...When he died I had to drive to alabama to claim his body, while another women stoled all his things from the house, he left his insurance policy to the lady he had to get the battery for. But when I picked up his
personnal things from the hospital my picture was the first thing in his wallet, when I got to his house my pic's where eveywhere...... Talk about wanting to be angry!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I won't be. I can't! because it will just make me sick. I am waiting now to find out if I am going to have to have chemo, which I am almost certain i will. Somedays, I just want to scream, or hit something, I have to let whatever makes me negative go, I have to just stop sometimes and look at my life as though I am having a somehwat out of body experience, kinda like just watching myself go through the motions,
You have TO stay STRONG NO MATTER WHAT...i KNOW IT'S HARD, AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST DON'T WANT tO BE STRONG.....but YOU have to. For you!!!!!!!!!
And for us , we need that strong person, we need you, and the person you are
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Posted 10/3/2007 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
WE all need a good cry and let loose once in awhile. I am not a crier, it takes a lot for me to let it go unless I get good and angry about something. But a book, a movie or something sad can trigger the tears even if it has no personal connection. It is better to let it go and cleanse your system, so now you will feel stronger, right?

I can't imagine how sad it was for you to visit your dad's house and see all those pictures and know he cared. We should never let little things keep us from our family.

Hugs MK
Posted 10/3/2007 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
hmm.  a time for meltdowns.  I periodically melted down, often about stuff that is not as dire and scary as possibly dying from this disease.  That was part of the stuff that came with having this disease.  Not knowing where my upsetness was coming from was a nice little extra that came with BC!

 

Being there for each other is great, but it's also ok to get professional help too.  Don't forget that this disease, as well as others carry the risk of depression and severe anxiety with them.  Please take care of yourselves ladies, and ask when you can't!

Posted 10/3/2007 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way Eve, but it's got to be cathartic to let it out.

I keep wondering when I'm going to freak out because everyone keeps insinuating that I should be.  I feel strong and able right now (cuz it's all so brand new, I'm sure!) and I haven't really had a major melt-down.  But, when I do I will remember this post and I'll know to just go with it and let it happen.  And I'd also be willing to bet that it will be something that has very little to do with BC or my treatments that is the 'last straw'.

Thanks for being honest Eve and I hope you feel better! :-)

Posted 10/3/2007 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for the love and support in your replies. It helps so much. People see me and say you are so strong and courageous, yes I am, but sometimes it is a "front" and I am now letting go of the that. I am not going to hide behind my humor anymore...I am facing the facts...I have Breast Cancer and I am strong but I am weak as well and that is ok.
Miracle....thank you for sharing your story with me about your father. Even though you didn't talk to him for 4 yers...take the pictures around his home as a sign that he loved you.....some people just don't know how to show it.
Thank you all for surrounding me with your hearts.
xoxoxox
eve
Posted 10/3/2007 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes, Evie, we just need a good meltdown in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep smiling and laughing, and to keep being strong for those around us. You know, for me, I don't like to use the word "survivor." I prefer the word "Warrior." I am a WARRIOR! Just makes me feel strong to say it! Ooh! I don't have "surgical scars," I have "battle scars." Badges of honor, they are, for a fight well fought...you're so right.  Grrr! I'm proud of them. ..just makes me stand up straighter, just thinking that way. I'm a different character, too, but a stronger one than I was before.

Your dad...well, that's a different matter. I'm so sorry that he couldn't have shown how much he cared for you, but it sounds like you were important to him. It used to upset me that my own dad seldom said he loved me...and then I realized how lucky I was that he didn't have to tell me he loved me, because his every action showed it. I lost him 6 years ago, and it was such a hard loss...he was one of the lights of my life.

Take care, Evie.

Hugs...
BEV
Posted 10/4/2007 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Bev,
Yes I do consider myself a WARRIOR. And thank you for reminding me. It's not my dad it's miracles...she posted about her dad.
Again...thanks for the kick in the butt and the support...it helps sp much.
xoxoxo
eve
Posted 10/13/2007 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
eveie, I'm really sorry you were/are feeling so down. I know that feeling so well. I was so tired of smiling and portraying to my kids, my coworkers, my family that I was fine...and I wasn't. I was trying to put on that face to keep my loved ones from being scared and my coworkers from feeling pity. One night, in the shower, I let it all go. I cried and cried so hard. It was a relief to let all of that pinned up "I'm doing fine" stuff go. I am a survivor of 5 years now and I am finally learning to let people know that I don't feel good. I just don't. For a while I thought was close to my old normal self, but I have days that I just do not feel well...period, and I don't try to hide it anymore. I hope you feel better really soon.


✚ New Topic ✚ Reply