2 more to go

I know I haven't posted much in a while. This post will be more or less and update. I've been having a lot of self pity parties. I had the flu or something 3 weeks ago. I feel like I may be getting a cold again   The right side of my throat has been sore since Friday along with the back of my tongue hurting that when I was trying to eat Friday night I was crying at the same time everytime I swallowed. It would also reach up into my ear. It's a little better today.

There's not a week that goes by that I just wish I was dead. I'm tired of the crappy feeling in my mouth, the corners of my mouth being so sore that I can't hardly open my mouth to eat, even though I am putting vaseline or Burt's Bee's lip treatment on it, my stomach hurting. My last chemo (11/17) I was feeling sick when I left the place which has not happened before. Does it get a little worse with each chemo? My thighs have been kind of sore like someone who has been exercising (which I haven't), my right ankle swells sometimes and I don't know why. Yesterday I noticed that a couple of my fingers felt kind of numb on the ends. When I think about being hooked up to this bags getting my cocktail it almost makes me puke. I have not been handling any of this very well. I go for a mammo on Wednesday just for the diseased side. I've been feeling a little pain in that breast for some reason. And I can't help but think all the time that this is going to come back. Yes, I'm very negative and I'm sorry. I have 2 more chemos to go, 12/8 & 12/29. Who knows what will be in store for me after that. I barely feel better then I have to go for another chemo. I have been missing at least 2 days from work each time so I have had to borrow money from my boyfriend. Yes borrow, he doesn't give away crap! My mom let me use her charge card to buy some meds when I had the flu and I told her I would pay it, but she has paid most of it. I am grateful but I don't expect my mom to pay my way at 47 years old. I'm not a religious person so I don't pray for a cure or to get better. I just get angry all the time and just want this all to be over with. Other people say they pray for me.

I believe I can say, that if this happens to me again in a few years that I will not go through this again. I'll just let it take me. I feel like I'm always being punished for something. I'll do my mammo's every 6 months for the next 2 years and take whatever meds I have to take. I've just had it with this disease. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without having my head covered. I don't want to see myself bald. I hate wearing my wig, some days it feels tighter than others. I'm always tugging at the back of it, but I refuse to go out of the house without it.

Told you I have been have self pity parties. Thanks for listening. You ladies are a great bunch.

Hugs to all of you

Kathy

 

 

 

 

Kathy, don't apologize for how you feel!! You are allowed to be mad and sad and angry and just generally ****ed off! But you only have two more to go?! Don't give up! I too feel like the cancer is going to come back - and I'm so worried about that - that I'll only have a few years with my daughter. And I've been trying to get my mind to think positively, because I think that the mindset truly helps, but it's so hard sometimes. I wish that there was something that I could do for you - while you weren't posting I was still thinking of you. Please don't give up. My heart goes out to you.
Lots of hugs and prayers

chantry

Kathy

I sooo understand how you feel, I have been down for awhile now too and have not been posting as much either. Im so sick of being sick that I cant hardly stand it. I never feel good anymore my throat is always sore and my nose runs all of the time.I have headaches and body aches everyday. I worked today and everytime I got up to help someone my hips and knees hurt very bad. This is our busy time of the year so it is even harder. I feel the same way about it coming back too, everytime I get a new pain I think it is more cancer. I also feel like Iam being punished for something. I feel so unatractive with no hair, eyelashes and eyebrows and then all of my scars and a boob that is way smaller than the other. I have tried to be positive too but sometimes it just gets to you and you just want to throw your hands up and say forget it.
Please dont stop posting because this is a great therapy for you. we care. Now I feel better because I said some of the things that I have been holding in.