Question about talking to someone you are dating about your condition...

Hello.

I'm not sure if this topic has come up before, so I apologize if it is a duplicate. I am 30 years old and am single. I have had CFS for over a year and was diagnosed just a few months ago after ruling out everything else.

I have a couple of bad flare ups per year that usually put me in bed for a couple weeks or more. In between those, I have to be really careful to get sleep, eat healthy, and listen to my body. I am tired most days, but I'm learning to tolerate and manage it. Some days I have to go to bed right after work and others I do okay until 8 or 9pm.

I've been dating someone for a couple of months and have not told him about my CFS. I have cancelled a couple of dates and made an excuse because I wasn't feeling well, but I know at some point I need to explain everything to him.

Are any of you out there having the same dilemma? How did you handle it? How did you bring it up?

I'm fine if someone isn't interested because I have CFS...I realize that might be a reality depending on the person. On the other hand, I want to be honest when I don't feel well and find someone that understands that if I can just sleep for a few hours, I'd feel a little better and could go out to dinner, etc.

Anyway, if any of you have some suggestions on navigating the dating world with CFS, I'd love your feedback.

Thanks,

HOH

I know exactly how you feel.   Last year I ended a long term relationship and was on the dating scene for the first time since getting Dx.  I wondered the same thing, when to bring it up.  What amazed me is when I did bring it up, my boyfriend didn't make a big deal about it and he's been amazingly supportive.  Much more so than my ex.  So good things do happen.  I agree that the guy should be supportive, or he's not the guy for you.  Maybe give him something to read about it so he understands more of what you are going through.  You sound like you really take good care of yourself and try your best.  That's great.  Keep it up.  good luck!!!!

Susan

You are not alone. My new boyfriend (7 months) came with me to my last doctor's appointment. The doctor told me "you have a real good guy there" and I said I know, but then she said "NO, REALLY". I think a lot of partners are not that supportive, maybe because they just don't understand. We often look fine, but feel like crap.

I think giving him something to read about it and telling him all the things you do to be proactive in taking care of your health and helping yourself to feel the best you can, will help him understand and appreciate you.

I am glad you have met someone so wonderful. Best wishes.
Susan

I waited a couple of dates, then broached the subject. I explained that I have a chronic/autoimmune illness that affects me (list the major debilitating symptoms). i explained it is unpredictable and how it can suddenly change, makng planning difficult. I am with someone who-when I explained it-i had been doing really, really well for a couple of years and said I didn't really expect it to get 'that bad' again, but it could and in the meantime, had limitation. Well, 5 months in I CRASHED to the degree when it hit 17 years ago. Unable to speak, walk, etc. He was solid as a rock, never doubting, supportive and loving. No one with this disease deserves less tho I can tell you I considered myself 'damaged goods' for some time. It's not true but long term aggressive illness can mess with self esteem, etc.
I'm glad you have found someone wonderful and I do believe that the truth-however you choose to present it-will be less stressful. After all, we can't pretend and push it without major consequences!
Best of luck...

This is an interesting topic. I have not been diagnosed with CFS, but I struggle with fatigue. I've been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks now, but have not felt well enough to actually schedule a date. I'm afraid he's going to move on, thinking I'm not interested, but the truth is, I'm just so tired.
"I struggle with fatigue" isn't something you can really tell a new interest. It sounds more like an excuse or, at the very least, something that will send someone who you don't have a track record with running.

I know I'm late to the party on this one, but I have some input.

I have lupus and CFS, among other things, and I recently started dating for the first time. (I'm 25.) Since my diagnosis at 19, I have been terrified about telling someone significant about this.

I waited about 2 months. I knew it was time to tell him because I was flaring and couldn't put sentences together, and he kept asking if I was okay. We sat down, and I told him it was important. I asked him to let me speak, then he could ask any questions he wanted to. I told him bits of my story and what goes on (but not all the gory details, though I was willing.) When I paused, he basically said, "Is that it?" Not in a bad way, but in an, "I thought you had 8 kids" way. He said, "So there's nothing you can do about it, right." I told him no. We went on with life.

I did tell him that I get very tired and am always in pain. He's asked a few questions since then, but it doesn't bother him. (We both go to bed at 7:30 anyway, so that isn't even a problem!) He asked a few weeks ago where all my bruises were from. "That's just part of it," I said. He understood.

We are no longer seeing each other, but I did ask what I should've done differently or when to bring it up next time. He said it was fine- enough, but not too much information, plus with an openness to answer questions. It was about 2 months after we started dating, so I knew he was in it. It's not exactly a first-date thing.

That being said... take a deep breath. It will go way better than you think. And if not, he's not worth your "spoons!"