Where this road leads?

I didnt get to the acceptance part of this until I stopped trying to accept that I was less then who I was and concentrated more on the fact I was just different then who I once was. I am in no a lesser person becuase I cant do the things I use to do in the same way I use to do them but I am a changing person. I have found new ways to do those very things.

A plain example is working, I worked the medical field for many a year and what exactly is that? It was not a job as most of us in the field it is who we are not what we are right? It is about taking care and nurturing others,using our knowledge of the body and it's pathology to make a difference in others lives Comforting,caring and trying to make that small difference in someone's life. I like to think I have motivated and changed my way in doing those very things each day just not punching a time clock anylonger.

The very reason we come to places like these. If I didnt have the outlet via the internet to continue being who I am I would wither and fade away.

Not that you have to be a Nurse,Doc or whatever to be of use here in forums like these as other folks for instance those good with numbers,those who worked say in filing and organizing jobs,researching jobs still utilize their goods here as well,they are the folks you see putting things into perspective for us,searching out the stats for us,spending hours surfing the internet to keep us informed,get the pic I am trying to display here? We each add a bit of ourselves to these places and it is how we compensate for that which we didnt lose we merely had to change.

I didnt lose my knowledge or compassion I merely had to change that way in which I can best serve others,this has ben my acceptance.

Here is another example, I can still exercise but I have to do so in ways other then those I used before CPP took over my life so I didnt lose the ability to try to stay healthy In this way I just had to chnage the way I do it.

I hope I am making some sense here as this is really an important part of radical acceptance and how it works and once you can get to this place of understanding yourself and your limits of change it makes for a far more comfortable self esteem and so many times I see health issues destroy self esteem to the point that we give up on ourselves and our Docs and in doing so we lose hope which is the strongest motivator in my book to keep putting my feet on the floor each morning no matter how hard that is to do some days.

Just look at the numbers of folks that pass thru these halls on any given thread,it is astounding sometimes and even though far less actually respond,your words are reaching many many out there. You yourself have posted so many great and educating things and you will just never know how many lives you actually reached out and touched in those posts but to think for one minute you have may have brought laughter or relief or paved the way for someone to tread easier thru the day is well just overwhelming thoughts isnt it?

Look at how many people get educated daily by Gramps posts that keep us informed and how some of those posts are very well helping others to better understand who and what CPP is? It isnt just CPP's come here and read far more are folks like caregivers,parents and even the very folks like Docs as they read and research as well come here and read our words and plea's for better pain relief more understanding and what have you.

I can so relate to being terrified of where this roads leads PAlady and how to travel it with little or no resources available and I had my kids by my side at all times and given they were at the time not going to be laot of help as they were all still young when I started this journey I still knew I had to do things different because of them. I think I said in a different post somewhere that I lost my Mom and my Dad all within a year after my injury and that was my support system in all things I did in this life. I had sibs but they could not be counted on as they did not understand any of what I was going thru. They were all far older then me as me and my younger Brother were late change of life babies for my parents and none of my 5 sibs were ever even at home when we come to be. They were more like Aunts and Uncles then sibs to either of us,they had their own lives were establihed in their marraiges and had kids of their own some older then me.

I had a few good friends left after the 1st year of CP as they tent o drop away from us when we have to change our way of living and doing things for some reason so I relied alot on those few but mostly had to learn how to do alot of things by my boot straps alone.

I became an avid user of the many resources avaible to folks at little or no cost to do so many things for us. I made apps to subsidized housing even though this wasnt the way I wanted to do things I was going to have no coice as a roof over our heads was a necessary item unless I relished the idea of a homeless shelter. Some of the privatly owned ones are far nice and less rough then the public housing but the waiting lists were long so I got started early out even if it meant paying more rent based on the W/C income I currently had but I knew when I lost that my rent would then change to reflect the lesser amounts of welfare which I also was facing having to learn to live on.

I started early out going slow going thru my things,cleaning out closets that had accumulated over the years and the things I knew I wanted to keep but didnt anticipate using anytime soon I boxed and labeled,now this was a ongoing chore I spread out at least 6 months before I actually moved but I knew moving was impending at some point as I was not going to be able to hang on to the house forever. I looked on this as a challenge as well and looked found myself looking forward to making new friends as I had not lived in apartment type setting since college but knew enough to know that living in close quarters to others was in some ways going to help me. I would  have help at hand in those close quarters if I needed it.

The piles of things I wanted to discard but couldnt move to the trash by myself I boxed and bagged up for the Goodwill places as they are grateful for getting them and pick them up at your convience and I cut my losses alot here as there were many things I knew were not going to fit in a smaller place and many things like yard tools and such I was not going to need.

Once I wrapped myself around the idea that this was just another change for me and hoping it to be a better one then I made great progress. Just another phase of my life so to speak.

I called up the organizations that lended hands to shut ins and elderly and utilized their time and hands to assist with the heavier of things that needed doing and alot of the boy/girl scouts had money raising projects in Spring and summer to raise money for camps and such where they came out and did little or sometimes big chores depending on who was doing this for virtually pennies. I had such fun helping them help me and when I got ready to actually make the move the very same scout troop loaded the truck and the scout master drove it for me and at all at about $50 some sandwichs and pop. The whole moving ordela cost me $30 for the truck and $50 for the great biys and their master and $20 in food and such and took less then half of a Saturday!

Your local center on aging or elder care places can most likely give you the names of some of these organizations that do this on a regular basis. College frats are also a great place to find cheap help.

The point is I did alot of phone work and alot of paperwork getting all my ducks in a row and you would be surprised just how much you can do without ever leaving the house if necessary. The key is starting early and going slow.

I know it is something we dont like to have to think about but we know in the end it is something we are going to be faced with doing and when we resign ourselves to that fact alone and try to see it as another way of changing what we are not who we are then it is a challenge more then a job.

I remember my oldest daughter had a slumber party and I had about 6 12 year olds running bored around my house and so we plyed a game of going thru attic boxes and I shared memories of the loads of stuff mostly old junk and baby stuff with them and they had a blast. They laughed over old clothes and tried them on,they made hilarious remarks about my teenage leftover lps and some of them had never even seen one!

I also found a great older resale store that specialized in older vintage style clothing and books and records and actually sold them a bunch of stuff and made some money to boot! These things were merely taking up space in my attic.

The weekend before moving we had a large yard sale and I made way more money on stuff we didnt use then I was getting each month to live on.

I also learned that shopping this way and going to local consignment shops was actually fun and finding great bargains for me and the house was even more fun. You would be surprised at how many folks give away new stuff to those places or stuff that is in top condition and is anyone actually going to notice if my shower curtain is used? I think not and I have become a great secondhand decorator thru the years and have loads of comments on how nice my decor looks and they would fall over if they knew I paid less then $10 to redecorate my entire bathroom and most of it was new stuff I got at bargain prices from the goodwill store!

Just trying to give you some ideas here on where to start and maybe helping you see what a challenge as well as an adventure life can be if you can only change the way you see it.

If you know moving is imminient then why not start looking now? Make some of those apps to the nicer private owned subsidized housing and these are based on income and even if you dont have any you pay nothing for rent and the state sends you a check for your electric if it isnt furnished. If you get in and want to take it then fine your that much ahead of the game and if when it comes available to you it isnt needed you can decline it no problem.

The Federal Governement along with the state supplies hundreds of thousands of dollars each winter for the winter care program in every state to aide those with little or no income and these levels are actually pretty high to qualify to pay for heating costs. You would be amazed as how many actually qualify for part or all of the payment of 3 months in winter heating costs and last summer due to the extreme heat wave most of the country had they even set aside money for air conditioining bills.

The drug companies have partnership programs to assist those who cannot afford meds and supply your meds directly to you or to your Docs office to those who qualfy each month at no cost and this is not just narcotics folks these are all meds and almost all companies,Montel Williams is a great supporter for this program and donates I dont know how much money each year to getting the word out about this.

There are so many programs out there to assist and I finally figured out I was not taking handouts I was getting back a little something of that which I had paid out for years by being a productive tax paying citizen for over 30 years before getting injured.

Churches,Catholic especially have numerous programs to assist with rental payments,mortgage payments,food,utility payments,even car insurance and maintainence of.

United way supports far more programs then I can name and I made weekly donations to them for years years out of each paycheck I got.

You dont have to be embarrassed to participate or ask for help as you also have been a tax paying citizen and still are and alot of the funds come from your tax dollars.

Just wanted to share all of this and I know it is long even for me! Hehe!

If one person can find some help from one of these ideas and lessen the stress of a day or month then I will keep sharing ideas and places to go for aide as we have enough on our plates without worrying about being homeless or going without food or meds.

Just wanted to pop this back to the front page as I think it has some great issues discussed and many many of us can benefit by radical acceptance theory.

I made a post in Chutz's passion thread and wanted to make note of here so it doesnt lose it's place as so many times we suffer self esteem issues with CPP an it seems we are constantly battling with that,how we see ourselves.

I use to spend hour after hour in bed in my room covers over my head and wishing like crazy the world would go away,this was early out and there are still days I regres back there but not so much anymore.

I at one point in my life as a CP actually thought I hated people,didnt want to interact at all if possible with any one especially strangers. Avoided the grocery,anywhere I had to talk or have any interaction whatsoever with another human. I was bad about this too! Moved about 15 miles from anywhere and the next neighbor was a half a mile away,didnt have a phone put in,sent the kids to do the shopping,a recluse is how I wanted to live the rest of this miserable life I had been forced into.

I finally got past that but still love my out of the way home and dont spend alot of time out and about with others but not because I dont want to anymore,just cant always.

I somehow convinced myself that others could see my worthlessness,like I wore a sign and people were thinking about me,paranoid to extents that were unreasonable and couldnt take any kind of depression meds as had so much trouble with them. These were my "Kevorkian Moments" Where pain was all I lived and ate and breathed. Finding relief was a lifesaver and that is no kidding,finding acceptance and learning to be tolerant of my inabilities was ,my savior.

Learning to turn my disability into a capability was my rebirth.

None of this happened overnight I might add and I am still working on certain aspects and most likely will always be.

Radical acceptance,in all things and not seeing my inability as a failure but merely a shortcoming,adjusting my life to my ability and controlling what I can when I can and losing all the baggage that comes with guilt over no longer being who I was or thought I was anyway. Maybe this is who I was meant to be and maybe this was the path I was meant to follow and even though the road leading here has been paved with pain and depression and even rethinking my own mortality,it has certainly been a life changing experience and I think in the end I have to say I have stopped to smell the roses so to speak even if it wasnt my idea.

I certainly do not take one minute of one day for granted anymore nor do I take one person who touches my life for granted like I did when I was working able bodied and far too busy to have come here and shared any moment with wonderful caring folks.

Here is hoping each of you finds this road for yourselves and everyone's road is a different one in the end even if the path we used to get here looked extremely familiar.