The Right Words at the Right Time

This thread leans toward the philosophical; the idea came to me when I was napping yesterday. A few years ago Marlo Thomas wrote a book called The Right Words at the Right Time. She interviewed a number of celebrities who shared a moment when someone said something to them that affected their life deeply, or even changed its course. i never read the book, but saw Marlo do a number of interviews. I wondered if anyone here had someone - a parent, teacher, a stranger - say something to them in their life which had a profound affect on you, or maybe something you use to cope when things get really bad.

Of course I asked myself this question and I'm not sure I can come up with anything that fits exactly. I do remember my father always told me "honey, never settle for anything less than you can be." For most of my life, especially my younger, healthier years that did serve to keep me striving to take the next step in life. Right now, though, I'm not sure what meaning that may have for me.

I'd love to hear if anyone has had this experience. Maybe we can inspire eachother.

The first thing that came to mind was when I was really sick. For nine months I had been so ill I could barely function and no one had any medical evidence to point to what was wrong. I was sent to a local university hospital where they had a whole bunch of doctors and interns stand around in an exam room with me in the middle doing a differential.
I was getting really confused (I was twenty three and scared) the head of the rhuematology department was this elderly grandfatherly man and by the end of the first half hour of this I was physically hiding behind him. He noticed and turned to me and said very softly "None of this matters. I know exactly what is going on and you are going to feel better now." I believed him. It was the first time in nine months that I trusted that a doctor was going to be able to help me.

The second is a story my sister loves to tell. My mother had all three of us girls in the car one day and we ran out of gas two miles from the gas station. She got out to of the car and started walking. Later someone asked her why she didn't just wait for someone to come help.
She said "I learned a long time ago that no one is coming."
Now that may sound harsh but she simply ment that you take care of your own business you don't sit around waiting for a white Knight to rescue you.

I like this idea for a thread and can't wait to see what everyone has to add.
Sj

Hi Toritoo & All!
Toritoo, I've kept you in my thoughts ever since you shared your saga on that other thread...I'm sure you could instruct us all on the virtues of acceptance & tolerance & steadfast-ness in endurance of all your have experienced and continue to sustain w/ such grace and long-suffering patience. I still simply cannot imagine what you deal with every day....yet you are here with us,offering your comments &support. You are a marvel! I think about you so often. Thank you for your company and companionship.

But back to the topic PALady suggested: Sometimes nothing anyone can say or do to us or for us helps at all (as we all know) but I do have a plaque that my daughter gave me after my 2nd procedure, when I was distraught & terribly worried about the unknowns, the possible continuance of my un-raveling spine, the constant CP, possible future problems down the road, etc. It simply says: "Que sera sera". What will be, will be. (from that old Doris Day song that now will turn into an "ear worm" for many of us who remember her singing it!)

I put it right above the kitchen sink & see it many times each day. It helps. Not all the time, but often enough to get thru some days when I'd rather, literally, "jump in the Lake" (another thread?! ) We simply don't know what's ahead. And if we did, at least for me personally, I would have gone nuts for sure. Even now!

We weep, we pray, sometimes we laugh, often we agonize, bargain, rail against our fates, but always we endure. Que sera sera. Not defeatest in the least--just the truth. Whatever happens, happens. It is what it is. We go on.

I hope something happens today that will help us all to plough thu not only today but tomorrow & all the other "tomorrows" that lie ahead.

This is a substantial topic and a very helpful thread! I will have an introspective day now, for sure! And that alone should take my mind off the CP for awhile!

~Lakeside, inside, as it's raining (PALady--you will get our rain by tomorrow or Friday! Sorry!)

Wow, PALady, that's pretty cool! Doris Day to the rescue! And our weather today (yours coming up) was cool today too! Hope you enjoyed our former sunny days! Get out your umbrella!

There IS a movie called "The Secret of Happiness Is A Bad Memory"---was that it? Your plot decsription does indeed confirm SJ's's mothers' comment--and I agree: often we must help ourselves, to a certain point. I think we all do that. It just gets tough when, after we've exhausted ourselves, no one else can seem to offer a balm to soothe us, to tide us over, until we can regain our strength to carry on. CP'ers are very strong and enduring people; yet we need those "right words at the right time" more than many others, because of the extra strength we need just making it thru each day. And we are usually exhausted!

Any others? This thread is great!

You are thinking of Will Smith in the movie (with his real-life son) The Pursuit of Happiness.

Lakeside - what a tender display of compassion by your doctor - rubbing the circles under your eyes, along with his words. I might differ with him about feeling grief, but I think I get what he was meaning for you. Sadness, but not grief.

We talk so often about the negatives we hear and experience from doctors, etc., that it's nice to hear some of the good, healing things that are said!

And thanks, Mochiah, that's the movie!

 Good day one and all, I'm back. After only being gone one day I can't believe how much I missed this site and all of you. I was at the pm dr. yesterday and I have some advice for other patients, do not go to your dr.s office right before lunch or closing. The dr.s are always in a hurry and even though you spend less time there you also lose out on face time which to me is very important. Just a little tip for those of you that don't already know.

 To get back to this thread I wanted to share a few things, good and bad that I have encountered during my illness. When I first got sick as I said before it was 6 months before the drs. figured out what was wrong. It was so hard for me because I had a young daughter of 9 at the time and it was very difficult to explain things to her. My family, a loving caring and normally helpfull family did not know what to believe during the 6 mon. I was so ill and they tended to lean towards the it can't be as bad as she says side. That hurt so much. Of course after the facts came out they were all right there for me but it was hard for me to get past them not believing in me in the first place. It was bad enough having to deal with dr.s and er people who were sure I was a drug seeker but when it came to my own family, well that was different. My "Man" we have been together for 22 years was right there with me and yelled and kicked and screamed to make sure I was taken care of pain wise.

  I truly believed that after my surgery and the 12 to 18 months of recouperating I would be back to normal. That was a mistake. I'm trying not to ramble but there is so much in my mind that I want to get out that it just seems to spill out.

 I heard all of the sayings such as God doesn't give you more than you can handle and this too shall pass and even que sera, sara. As far as I was concerned God obviously had no idea how much I could handle and this too will pass wasn't happening and even que sera,sera seemed like a punishment for something I had done wrong. I couldn't think of anything that I did that would merit the kind of punishment I was receiving.

  I had to send my daughter to live with my brother and sister in-law for a whole year, I just couldn't take care of my-self never mind a 9 year old. It was hell, my daughter was my life.

  The first time I ever felt like someone understood what kind of pain I was in was when my father-in-law went through several back surgeries himself and he pulled me aside one day and apologized to me for not being more understanding of my situation. He was there as well now. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy but now that he was there I felt validated.

  Others in my family slowly came to understand as well and instead of getting upset when I couldn't particapate in family traditions they understood that the cost in pain was too much for me to endure.

  I have always been a the glass is half full type person and I still try and stay that way in spite of the pain. Also I like myself, I know I am a good person a positive person and I try very hard to stay that way in spite of the obstacles life has thrown my way. Not that it's easy or that I don't fall back into depression at times. A little whining isn't a bad thing sometimes we just need to.

I have much more to say but a little at a time for now, I don't want people to think I'm having my own pity party going on 24/7. I find so many little things to make me smile and I can't afford to be blue all the time. 

  Hoping you all have tolerable days and smile when ever you can. That's me out for now,

                                                 Toritoo 

One more thing I promise, I just want to let you all know that my problems started when I was in my mid to late 30s and at 48 I wish I was doing the the things I was supposed to be doing at this age. Before getting sick I was an artist, a glass artist. I did etched glass for residential and was just branching out into commercial and I pray that one day I will be able to do it again. Before that I was a fashion designer for a company that sold girls thru Juniors clothes. I loved that too. I've always loved to write so this is my new creative outlet for now. I hope that's ok with everyone and for sure I'm out. Toritoo

I am so enjoying reading everyone's contribution. It's amazing how words can stay with us, although unfortunately the negative ones do, too, but I started this thread to help myself and maybe others remember (it may take some remembering!) the good words. The uplifting ones. The ones that make us get up one more day when it's the last thing we feel like doing. And the ones that can even help us reinvent who we are after and including CP experiences.

Toritoo, I'm so glad you shared more with us. I think most all of us went through a time when we believed everything would be ok - the next procedure, the next surgery, the next medication....and then we hit a wall and have to figure out what to do when CP isn't going to go away. So we're here with eachother, each at a different place, but each validating and understanding. To me, that's a godsend so I understand why you miss this site after even a day!

I also think you point out something very important; the "sayings" and words that work for some may not work for us. I think what "clicks" for each of us may be different. One of these days I'm going to start a thread about "hope" and the not so good side of it, but I'm not ready to clearly articulate it (or for any arguments over being misunderstood!). But that's not for this thread. So each of us have to listen for those words that resonate deep inside. And they may come from the strangest places, and may not make sense to anyone but us!

My goddaughter (I don't have children so she's the closest thing I have to a daughter) gave me a T-shirt many years ago that said "life's a journey, not a guided tour". She's quite a bit younger than me, and I still wonder where she comes up with such wisdom!

Another thought - lyrics of songs (one's already been mentioned!) can also be those words. I think having a "theme song" is a great idea; I actually first heard that from Tracie Ulman, who's a comedian who played Calista Flokhart's (sp?) therapist in a tv show years ago. Most of us use sing songs in ours heads that may be less then helpful, but a good theme song can go a long way! Any thoughts?

By the way, Lakeside, it's been in the 70's here but the temps are starting to drop in preparation for all that nasty weather headed this way. T-storms and such, so I guess I'd better get out the candles!

Post Edited (PAlady) : 4/11/2008 2:03:46 PM (GMT-6)

Toritoo,
Please don't feel that this site is only for being "up". It's for all of our moods, and maybe especially for the down times. We all have them, for sure. Never hold back for fear of that, ok?

Sending hugs to you!
PaLady

Good evening all!
So glad we are continuing this thread, as it is so inspirational and affirming! And I agree: Toritoo, please just say/write whatever is in your heart! It gives us all comfort and encouragement to read about EVERYTHING we experience, the highs & lows & inbetweens...just come here & share your feelings, it's OK, however you feel! I am glad you told us all about yourself & your talents (I'm sooo impressed! Art glass & clothing design..wow!) That IS who you are! Right now your body has other plans for you, but who's to say that's the way it will always be?! It is what it is now, for us all (that's why we're on a CP site) but time nudges us fwd and who knows what's "up next"?! Meantime, know that we are all here for you, for everyone else too...I hope that any of us can always come here & share whatever we are burdened with,along w/ what we enjoy, and what makes us happy, too! We are complex beings and CP is just one aspect of the whole.

Well, PALady, enjoy your 70's---we had an awful storm last PM---blew the beach chairs over & our granddaugters' swimming raft (which was anchored under a chair) 100' down the beach...I just retrieved it & noticed it's starting to rain again. The news this PM said that Lake Superior had 15-20 waves last night! Imagine!! So batten down your hatches! Ahoy! How about "Anchors Aweigh" for tonight's song, haha!

~Lakesdide, sure feeling better than 3 months ago tonight (Jan 11) when I was in ICU after my PLIF.....always something to be thankful for, like my OWN BED!!! :)

Toritoo,
Your smiley face made me smile!! Great that you're feeling better today. I have a question for you: is age 58 too late to become a California Girl? And do you have an extra bedroom? (guess that's two questions!) I love the sound of your weather.

Lakeside - it's cooled down here again. Back in the 40's. And 'mixed precipitation' for Sunday and Monday. For those of you who don't know what "mixed" means it's snow and rain- yes, even in April! We had the bad storms move through late last night, though. I got out the candles and flashlights, but didn't need them. Better weather is supposed to come later this week.

I wish we all could be California Girls!

Just about to throw another log into the woodstove, as we have a NE wind & snowstorm going on, but just had to thank you  Toritoo for the smiley face and the wonderful description of your gorgeous CA day!  You truly are a great writer, in addition to your art glass & clothing design...you have an artist's eye for sure!  Glad you had a 1/2 hr of pain relief!  Maybe tomorrow it'll be a whole hour! :)

PALady, you can have this weather---and you WILL! We call it a "wintery mix" here---aka: slush!  But they promise us 60's by Wednesdays!  So I'll send you that later!  But I want to enjoy it first! 

You also mentioned a "theme song" in another post---I remember that episode of Ally McBeal from years ago:  well, tonight after reading about sunny & lovely CA, thanks to Toritoo's eloquent prose, I wanna be a California girl too!  In fact, that is now going thru my head, including the lyrics about the "Midwestern farmer's daughter, they keep their boyfriends warm at night..." LOL!!  Well, tonight for sure!

Thanks Toritoo--I'll be a CA Girl from now on, until we warm up at least, next month! 

Rest well everyone!  I feel like we're all one diverse, multi-talented & supportive family!  Such a great community of friends!

~Lakeside, inside, stove-side, w/ cats at side, can't be outside! 

i've been one of tghe ones just reading and enjoying this thread. there was one thing, though, that happened to me that i would like to share.

i had just been to the pmdoc for the first time and he rxed percocet. i had taken this drug off and on for several yrs, so felt comfortable woth it. i got home and it felt as though somebody had bashed me in the back with a brick bat! i yelled and fell over in pain. my wife helped me to bed and called the pm doc, who rxed morphine. this was the first time i had ever had it rxed and taken it outside of a hospital. i had to write my wife a note to allow her to pick up the prescription and i had to appear before the pharmacist to actually pick up this nasty narcotic. when i got to the pharmacy, the pharmacist said, "can i get you a cup of water? you look like you could really use one of these right away." i could have worshiiped at his feet.

warren