HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Dealing with old friends

Support Forums
>
Chronic Pain
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 5/26/2008 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
I debated about posting this but thought maybe I'd get some insights. I've got two e-mails sitting in my in-box from different "old friends" wanting to "get together" for lunch, etc. One is from a former student of mine who's now in her forties, the other from an old high schiool classmate and his wife who will be coming back to visit in the area in early June. Here's the thing - even though these people know I've had "back problems" and I think even that I had surgery, I dread even e-mailing them back. I dread having to explain all that CP has done to my life. I am torn because I'd love to go out to lunch and be that normal person I used to be - the person they knew, but CP has changed all that. I grow weary of explaining it all, even in an e-mail. I suspect many of you will understand. I am torn because I hate not connecting with people, knowing that isolating isn't good, but when you connect with people you'll only see once every few years, and you know their lives are "normal", and yours is a mess on every level, it's painful even to have lunch. It's painful to sit (physically and emotionally) with them and see their lives. My old high school classmate and his wife are now retired and living in FLorida. Doing fine. My former student is married, in her forties, and excited that her son is starting college. And what do I have to share? How my life has disintegrated. I'm even afraid I'll just start crying if I see them. Either that or I will have to pretend my way through the encounter, which means making sure I take extra meds for the pain, and holding back my emotions, and not telling them what's really happening with me. Lying, by omission. And leaving the encounter even more depressed.

I don't resent people having their lives. But it's very painful to watch from the outside, knowing that even the most basic of activities like sitting and walking bring pain and fatigue. I wonder whether I truly would be better off avoiding these encounters, because I hate the thought of even more pain be it physical or emotional.

I know I can't be the only one who's faced this, so I'm wondering how others have struggled with these situations. Close family and people you see regularly....well, that's even painful to watch their lives go on, but people who you just see occasionally....old friends, how have you dealt with it?

Thanks for any insights.

PaLady

Post Edited (PAlady) : 5/26/2008 12:13:38 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/26/2008 8:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi PaLady, I have delt with the same thing.

I was supposed to see a dear friend of mine visiting from London and my family in CAlifornia who came in for a weekend.
I decided not to do either, I was so afraid I would have to tell them I was ill and they would just abandon me like everyone else has.

I think you should go and take the chance. I regret not accepting the invitations and am now 10 times more lonely. You may be pleasantly suprised. And In the worst case senario you will know you gave it a shot.

My lesson learned was that I may have kepy myself from having a lovely visit wth someone else other than my cat. Takung the chance may do more than the visit itself.
I wish I could offer you more insight.
I hope this has helped you a bit.

Hugs

Freya
Posted 5/26/2008 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
I understand where you're coming from.  I had a small circle of friends and we did everything together - shop, vacation, etc.  Once I went on disability and had to stop doing those things I hardly ever hear from them.  A few times we had group dinners scheduled that I had to cancel at the last minute because of the pain.  Now they don't even ask me.  They keep waiting for me to reach out and make the plans but I don't because I don't know how I'll feel. Plus, by the time I'm done showering, shampooing my hair, putting on makeup, fixing my hair and getting dressed, I'm so worn out and in so much pain I can't even think about going out.  It really sucks.  Now I really only see my family because they come to me.  It hurts and I'm lonely but don't know what else to do.

Could they come to your place and visit there?  That way you won't have to exert the effort to go out and they could bring takeout food in.

Melanie

Posted 5/26/2008 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies, Freya and Melanie.

I think the option of having anyone come to my place is actually worse. For one, if I'm having a bad day, it's tougher to cancel out. Second, my place is a wreck - and even when a family member visits I feel obligated to do some minimal cleaning, but these aren't people who are close family or friends. I'd feel embarassed to have them come here now! And also, it's even tougher to get people to leave. My cousin came over last night and we watched a movie together, but I had to get up several times, takes meds, sit on a heating pad, etc. And had to nap before she came! So if anything I'd rather meet someone elsewhere, where it's easier for me to bow out quickly if I start hurting.

I think it's more the emotional piece, though, of not wanting to go through the litany of questions, suggestions, etc. that most people not familiar with CP will ask. Plus the pain of hearing about yet more lives I'll never be able to live. I just feel bummed out when I think about it all.

Alas....

PaLady

Post Edited (PAlady) : 5/26/2008 4:28:56 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/26/2008 10:29 PM (GMT 0)

Hi PAlady, do I know how you feel.  I have battled with this dilemma for awhile now.  My husband is very social and one of the things he has really missed since I have been ill is socializing.  So I have felt that I need to go out when people have invited us.  Then I noticed a strange thing happening. Throughout the whole evening, we were not being asked about what was going on in our lives.  We would sit there and listen to them go on and on about their families, work, vacation and trips.  I'd try to add something to the conversation and would get shot down.  After I had noticed this I asked my husband to see if he saw it or if it was just me.  So he started paying attention when we'd go out and agreed with me that this was happening.

Now I have never been one to go on about my illness unless they would ask a bunch of questions, so I know it wasn't that.  After this happening over and over I told my husabnd I am done.  I do not have many good spells and when I do I do NOT want to spend that time with self-involved people who have no interest in what's going on with us.  I have been very hurt by this and really would rather be alone. I'm already dealing with enough.

I have found this to be worse when we have gone out with more than one couple or have been asked to parties or to barb-bq's(sp?). All the men stick together and all the women head to the kitchen. Most of the talk is about kids(I can't have children), work(I am on disability), and shopping(which I don'y do anymore).  I am always left out because I need to sit down and am excluded from conversation.  I feel so left out I have just decided not to do it anymore.  My husband has a couple of groups he goes to and I will go out with our neighbors who are friends, but no more, I don't need to feel any more inadequate and they have no idea about what we CPer's go through (how could they) and if I do decide to share a little bit, they always have this "cure" they wnat me to try and I will be all better. eyes yeah, right.

Melissa

Posted 5/26/2008 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
What I hate is the question "how are you" and then seeing the glazed look in their eyes before I even get one sentence into what I have to say. I don't even say that much, usually just something like "I have good days and bad days". They don't even want to hear that. I pick and choose what I want to do now because I don't like feeling bad when I come home from visiting friends that I truly used to enjoy.
Posted 5/26/2008 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
Well...my answer might not be popular or recommended by your local 'shrink' but if it were me, honestly...I'd stay home. I too hate the emotional agony is causes that will last for who knows how long.

I have found that I have to make my own life. I have hubby, kids and grandkids, but other than that the people here on HW are my "friends". The people at work are very good to me but I'm not close. Why should I listen to others go on and on about things I'll never be able to do, only to make me more miserable? Nope, don't need it and I don't feel guilty about choosing whom I see or where I go. It takes work to keep life fun and I'm not about to make myself depressed so someone else can talk themself up.

CHutz <---havin' fun!
Posted 5/27/2008 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
i felt as if i was reading my own thoughts when i read this post! i am in the exact same boat. . .i have had to retire from my job over chronic pain (mine is reflex sympathetic dystrophy), and i can't deal with the idea of judgement from old friends/colleagues. . .because folks can't see or feel another person's chronic pain, they don't always understand that it does exist. i realize life goes on & i am trying to work on this, but it's easier to become isolated & reclusive. . .with me, it's also the fact that i can't stand having a shoe on my foot (that's the part that's on fire). . .
i'm glad i found this forum. i was looking for info on prialt as that's been mentioned as a potential future option.
thanks for "listening."

yeah
Posted 5/27/2008 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
when i had 1st surgery, friends were everywhere. they brought food, sent flowers, called often to see how i was getting on. the day i went back to work they made a big party of it with balloons and food and stuff.

when i had 2nd surgery, nobody noticed. friends were gone. parnter just rolled eyes about things i couldn't do and complained i was lazy and using pain to get out of work and house chores. when i had to tell work i couldnt come back because of 3rd surgery coming, some said they wanted to have a goodbye lunch. i didn't go for the reasons you said. it wasn't like i left to take a better job or raise babies or something good.

4th and 5th surgery most friends didnt even know about much less pay attention too.

now, 2 friends email me once in a few moons but i have trouble even answering. they don't really want to know, i think because we're young it's me but it could be them. i just got unlucky. i don't see people at all except when i have doctors appointment. i have a partner but our relationship is so damaged by this and we mostly argue or dont talk at all. theres no love left there as far as i can tell. for me its easier to stay isolated like this because i dont have pain plus disappointed and frusteration from people who say "oh you should take glucosamine it worked for great my motherinlaws uncles wifes stepdaughters aunts grandmother" like it should magic fix me up too.

my dog loves me and listens to me do my whining so i dont see much need for those other people anyway lol. when i was little my daddy told me about fair weather friends. i dont think i ever really understood it until pain took my life away from me and my friends followed its lead.
Posted 5/27/2008 3:12 AM (GMT 0)
First I want to thank each of you for your repsonse. Each post is giving me more food for thought as I struggle with this issue.

And I want to welcome jagrid and jobob as new members. I'm glad my post spoke to you; it's what often happens here on Healing Well, and I'm sure some of your posts will speak to me.

I'll look forward to more responses. I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this place. It's my therapy! And Chutz, I'll use you for my shrink anyday!
PaLady
Posted 5/27/2008 4:35 AM (GMT 0)
lol, PA...you're something special. ;-)

I also want to take a moment in this thread to welcome jagrid and jobob!! Glad you have decided to join our Chronic Pain family. Connecting with others who understand saves me from being even worse off. This topic is the perfect example of the compassion and companionship you find here.

Hugs,
Chutzie
Posted 5/27/2008 5:32 AM (GMT 0)
thank you chutz. it's a weird thing to say thank to too because im not happy to have joined the chronic pain family but im happy to "meet" you all lol lol lol
Posted 5/27/2008 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
Don't worry, JoBobB, your "weird" response is completely understood. None of us wants to be a CPP, and if any of us got a "divorce" because we got better the rest of us would cheer in joy because it would give us hope. But in the meantime, and for those of us who may likely never be free of chronic pain, having this kind of support is priceless.

PaLady
Posted 5/27/2008 10:02 PM (GMT 0)

PALady,

your situation reminds me of an old joke, "never tell people how you feel.  half of them will be glad it's you and not them and the other half will be glad to see you suffer." 

I only had one friend that i kept up with for any length of time.  he was my best friend whehn i liven in england.  we worked together about 80% of the time and could read each other's thoughts better than any psychic.  mike had diabetes.  after work we would usually hit the pub and he would down a few pints of guinnes (claimed the high iron content was good for him).  at any rate, it took its toll.  maybe because we both were deteriorating at about the same time, we didn't have to "pretend."  he eventually went blind and was about to have parts of hiis anatomy removed when he died.  his "significant other" phoned me in tears just after he died.  but mike could cope with my mood swings and tempeer from this gd pain and i could cope with his problems.  he was unlike anyone else i've ever known.

i have another friend who now lives overseas and wants to come visit.  i keep m aking excuses.  his ch'i is on its way up as mine is on it's way down.  he is growing and i am shrinking.  i don't really want to hear how great things are for him and how "sorry" he is that i'm not doing very well.  sounds like my brother.  i just don't need that in my life.  PALady, you don't need it in yours, either.

warren

 

Posted 5/28/2008 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for the welcome. . .it feels strange, yet oddly invigorating to read that other people actually think/feel as i do. all the docs (at least the ones ones involved with the psychological aspects of chronic pain) push for more socializing. . .all of this "stuff" (for lack of a better word) is so difficult to navigate, because it was/is all so unexpected. all of my "friends"/colleagues have deserted me, too. i guess i just made a bunch of new friends here, so that's a positive for once! :-)
Posted 5/28/2008 8:30 AM (GMT 0)

hello H.W.,

I cant believe how many CPP have go through the same crap. I startes out with a group of 20 people and couples all just starting famalies like the rest of the group. All cookouts and football sundays were called for in advance so they could have thier chance for food and drink.

 It was real fun in the begining, say the first year or so, then we made up sunday pool and everyone throws in $20.00.

   as it progressed some friends were i guess closer than others and you can notice a ouside type feeling as most of you conversation is not even acknoledged. any coversation that was turned to me or my wife was(isnt he better yet, Idid this to my foot and was working again in two weeks, by the time they get to whats going on with your doctors and your next appt. they have completely written you off, because thier still together enven working constuction. I have absolutley zero knowledge about all that endles work talk.

My wife and I have been married like 12 years now and by the sith year we just stopped going to the gatherings and parties. the woman had thier click of thier own and is just the same when the boys come out. We used to have a very close outfit of people that got along great As people get older and maintain a decent life priorities change, and alot of times you kind of dont like that persons becuase they have done mostly everthing to box us out and start taling new home installs, new trips to disney etc.......

If ever where to be asked about my ailments I used to say good, but know after so many surgeries I just cant lie about it anymore,(long storie short, once they start getting an earfull of test procedures results where I have to go for the next appt.Whithin 5-7 minutes they move on to other topics more suited for them. Which is fine with us so our exit wont be too bad because half there people didnt want to chat with us anyway. plus by the time is is happeniing Im ready to leave becuase my foot is a level 8 and dying to get home for my electric sock and some meds to bring down my pain score to a 5-6

Sometimes I dont think people agnoledge how hard it is to listen to 5 people screeming at the same time when your turing white because your pain scale is at a 8-9.

                                HOPE EVERYONE HAS A PAIN FREE DAY

                                                        MIKE

Posted 5/28/2008 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
another thing i think makes it hard is, what have i to talk about of value?  nothing.  my life is boring. pain has become my whole life. nobody of my friends wants to listen to that. its depressing. it depresses me too! 

no, i havent been to that new restrant or seen that new movie cuz i cant sit so long.  no job, so i dont have work to talk about.  no, no kids to talk about and no hope of any ever to look forward to.  nobody wants to know about the household fight of the day.  no, no trips to any store except the kroger for half hour 2 wks ago.  what else is there?  to know abt doctors visits and drugs i take? to know i watched the same dvd 3 times in a row today because i couldnt walk far enough to change it?  theres just nothing to say about my life that makes good conversation. 

Posted 5/28/2008 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
I can't yet put into words what each of your posts has meant to me. I am gaining insights and much-needed support from each one of you and I wanted you to know it. JoBob your last post was particularly touching and hit home with me in so many ways. I didn't realize when I started this thread how much we all face the same adjustments, but then I should have.

Thank you - and keep adding!

PaLady
Posted 5/31/2008 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
Something I think we need to remember about old friends is that even if we were completely healthy and had a "perfect" life we would have at least one friend who's life would be more "perfect" than ours. Their house is bigger or their vacation or job is better or their kids are smarter, etc. That's just the way it seems to go which leaves us with a few options. We can no longer be friends, we can remain friends but be jealous, be friends and be happy for them because they are your friend or be friends and be happy for them and jealous also at the same time. I seem to fall into that last category. That being said, we do need to remember that there is no such thing as perfect. We have the pain and disablity to deal with but those friends have problems of some sort too because perfect doesn't exist. If you do see these people maybe you can actually help them by showing that you are dealing with your problems with grace, dignity and strength. Who knows, you might inspire them to tackles some pretty tough stuff in their lives with that same grace, dignity and strength. Just my thoughts on the subject.    Lisa

Posted 6/1/2008 9:48 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't read all the post yet. It's 3:45 A.M. I have #8 or #9 pain all the time. When I sleep, I'm free. I gave up my friends. I feel that people are uncomfortable with "Chronic Pain" Some don't even believe it exists or that anyone could bear it.
So, my husband and I are kinda hermits doing the best we can. We enjoy TV, the cat, the plants, books on tape. We used to take half hour walks daily but this causes so much pain, I don't do it any more.
I don't think my way of coping is the best ... It's just my way. My best to all of you who are going along this very difficult path. '
Pamela Neckpain
Posted 6/1/2008 12:29 PM (GMT 0)
As I read everyones Post's - I can say BOY can I relate

PA Lady
I tend to agree with Freya have lunch... meet with them.. then you wont regret missing the chance

We all should rally a Thread for What to say to toehrs - and not lie

LOL
the truth is as Humans we dont like pain... or sickness
and unless we are caregivers,.. nurses doctors etc...
most people dont know how to help or handle friends in pain...


** back to my Thread on Lonliness..

we all have Lost much do to CP

I think instead of thinking on how much we've lost
we need to THINK positively - & Im not try to be a Polly anna
**( I'll run now & Hide while you all look for a rolled up newspaper to toss at me; & I'll duck )
LOL

Life is FULL of UNKNOWN's...
we ae given opportunities everyday
we make choices everyday...
and each one of us is UNIQUE....
I always... be Spirit led... follow that "knower" in you...
some call it gutt// some call it intuition...
but...
Listen... push aside FEAR & listen..
then do what you know to do

:)
Blessings
((hugs)))
Posted 6/1/2008 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
An update for everyone...

I want to thank each of you for your responses, and I wanted you to know I've taken each to heart as I evaluated how I felt about each choice. Everything from what Freya and Shelter suggest, to Warren's advice and all in between!

I have been evaluating connecting with each of these indivudals on a case by case basis. There were actually 3 e-mails in my in-box. One person's I deleted. The reason? This is someone who never calls, never e-mails, never regularly wants to get together unless I e-mail around a question or topic we used to have in common. And this is about once a year. Then she wants to get together, but I have done it in the past but it only ended up hurting worse. She is a former colleague; she's still teaching, and I'm barely working. But she's not a regular support in my life, and when we've talked she asks briefy how I'm doing, then goes on to things in her life, things which are too painful to hear. So in this case, I leaned in the direction of Warren's advice.

One person's e-mail is still sitting, and I've not yet decided what to do.

The other was from the former high-school classmate and his wife, saying they'd be in town in early June. These people have always been good to me, even though we rarely see each other. So in this case I leaned toward Freya's and Shelter's advice, and thought I'd take the risk to e-mail back, explain about my chronic pain and that from day to day I couldn't tell how I'd be doing but I'd like to try to get together. I was so glad I did! He wrote the kindest note back, and reminded me his brother (whom I also know) has suffered with chronic pain for decades, and so that he knows from dealing with his brother about the "day to day" thing and he and his wife just want to get together, and will do anything that works for me. And he reminded me that even though we don't see eachother very often, they still consider me a friend, and to let them know if they can ever help. And you know in their case, I believe they mean it.

So I guess I'm giving you an update to let you know how much I appreciate your input, that I've used it (and I hope there will continue to be more as this is an issue we all face!) and that what I'm learning is that there's not a "one size fits all" answer to this. Maybe we need to give some people a chance, and take the risk, and maybe we also need to know when to stay out of harm's way.

Thanks...and keep writing!

PaLady

Post Edited (PAlady) : 6/1/2008 1:12:47 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/2/2008 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
I've been reading this post with interest. I didn't post at first b/c I don't have any old friends; for some reason, my life has been about phases, teens, 20's, college, professional, etc. and during each phase I have good friends but as I move into another "life phase" my old friends seem to fade away--I've given this a lot of thought, it use to bother me, but then I realized that I change, life changes and we just don't have the same things in common anymore, we move on to people who interest us now (this is what I think today, tomorrow, who knows).
I once had a friend years ago that was the life of the party, an artist, very popular, lots and lots of "friends" and invitations to many parties, boy, did I envy her life at the time, mainly b/c I thought she was loved/well liked. As time went on, I came to realize this person had a lot of people she new, but very few people she was truly intimate with. The one thing I noticed about my former friend was she was never satisfied, always searching for the next thing, wherever she was, she was thinking about the next place, person, event.

I've been reading peoples responses, ideas, thoughts, for over a year now on this site and most of you are very interesting, thoughtful people with something to say--I don't know what you people "do," where you go, if you've taken a trip, but I do know you're interesting as you are. I know chronic illness/CP has made me a different person, sometimes I think in an interesting unique way.

I would like to share a poem I like by an infamous loner:

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

Charles Bukowski
Posted 6/2/2008 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
BigLucy - I can really relate; I don't have any "old friends" per se either. But you hit the nail on the head when you said your life has been in phases. Loved the poem too!

PAlady - my heart goes out to you in this dilemma. I have wanted to post sooner but I really don't have much to add. You have been given some good & bad suggestions in my book (for whatever that matters). I called an acquaintance of mine yesterday whom I hadn't talked with in quite some time just to catch up on the "things/people" in town. She seemed glad to hear from me and caught me up things - nothing changed. Then she says, "Well ya ain't been in the hospital lately so nobody knows how you are doin'." I assume that was a round-a-bout way of asking about me but when it came to how I am really doing, I just kept my mouth shut. I now know for sure that the people I used to hang around with are not concerned about me now that I am out of commission. These so called friends I have met since I moved here (12yrs ago) are not interested in my feelings, mentally or physically. The phrase - out of site, out of mind - keeps me in my isolation. I am fortunate enough to have two neighbors that keep appraised of my condition but they both have families to fall back on so I basically "fit in" when it is convenient.

I'm sorry PAlady, for rambling on and I guess sitting on my Pitty Pot. This is about you and not me. I wish you satisfaction in whatever you choose about keeping in touch with old friends. It's a touchy situation that only you can decide. I'll still be thinking about ya though!
Posted 6/2/2008 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Lassie - Pitty Pots allowed on this thread!! And your input is always valued by me. I know I've had some mixed responses on this thread, which have been interesting. The one thing that was off base for me was about seeling people as perfect, as that's never been the case. I don't see myself or others as perfect, or expect that. I think it's totally different, though, when EVERY area of your life is affected and in a mess because of CP or another serious health condition, and someone else's life is going ok but they're having problems in one or two area. Oh, I long for the days when most of my life was going ok, but I was having problems at work, OR relationship problems, or maybe even both of those, but I could get out and do things, still had money coming in, and didn't have a counter full of meds to take every day plus daily pain. So there's my pitty pot!

Lucy - thanks for the input. And believe me, I'm far more of a loner than anything. That's likely led to me being very isolated right now, though. It's one thing to be a loner but be able to get out and do things, and it's another to not be able to get out any more (or afford to even if I could physically) and be faced with pretty much having lost the few friendships I had. These 'old friends' are people who had been in my life - in other phases, one might say - and periodically reappear. But they aren't people I have regular contact with. That's part of the problem. Other than a small handful of family members, I really don't have any regular friends in this "phase' - except maybe all you at HW! Don't you just wish we could all have a convention somewhere and meet? Of course, most of us couldn't travel, and I for one couldn't afford to!

PaLady
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12