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The pity party is at my house today

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Posted 7/18/2008 12:13 PM (GMT 0)
and this time I am serving Iced Tea and cheesecake :-) so make yourself comfortable and awayyy we go! Was awake a 4:30 this morning. I am so sick of this sleeping pattern that its driving me bonkers. You know if anyone would have come up to me 10 years ago and told me that I would not be able to take care of my husband, drive or anything else because I was going to be on the receiving end of a debilitating back injury I would have thought them to be nuts! I don't think any of us pictured our lives in such a manner when we were younger and its made me reflect upon what I truly desired for my life. 10 years ago I thought the only bad thing in my life was the fact that I had knee pain (easily remedied with a couple of Tylenol and plenty of rest). But now, this is not the way I see things and I think I appreciate more the relationship my husband and I have. He has been so good to me over this last 8 years and every time I ask him "you deserve better then me in this pain." he says "For better or worse, in sickness and in health." Which makes me cry cause I feel so happy to have him in my life.

Anyway, I have strayed off course here...back to my pity party! Life hits us with many obstacles in our lifetimes, but being in this horrible pain is I think the worst that I have ever felt. Sometimes I look at people who are not in pain and how they are able to drive to work every morning, play with their kids, attend social events and even the ones in the stores that are shopping without feeling what I have considered to be the worst days of my life. I envy them for being able to do all these things and that too makes me feel bad because I don't like jealousy, its a horrible monster. I look at all the pain meds in my medicine cabinet and think is this it? Is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life? I'm 44 years old for goodness sakes, I should be enjoying my children and my grandchildren.....I should be out fishing or hunting or camping, but instead I am stuck at home feeling sorry for myself.

Especially bad day today since I woke up and am in tremendous pain, feeling sad and thinking that gee this is my life. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking that it'll all go away, that its only a bad dream, but it doesn't and here I am hosting a pity party with you that I feel kindred spirits with because you know what I am going through and are right there with me saying "Hey we hear ya!"

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Would you care for some wine with that whine LOL
Posted 7/18/2008 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, we can understand - most definately! I too never pictured myself being so ill now when I was younger. Hey didn't we all think we were invincible when we were young?? I never really knew I was in chronic pain until I got older. I think for me, it was always there but I found ways around it or tried to ignore it and get on with my life. But as I get older, either the pain is getting more severe or I'm becoming a wimp. Either way, it is so frustrating because I now realize that things are never going to be the same for me again. Because of other health issues, I have missed out on many things and I especially felt bad when I couldn't attend one of my kids school events. I sometimes too look at other healthy people and wonder what it's like to not have to care if they can even just make it out of bed for the day. To just get up and go with no worries. I am not jealous - envious maybe. I don't like to look that beast in the eye nor will I ever try to get there. So for the time being, I just take one day at a time and never look to the future. I try to remind myself of all the great things that I do have in life. It's what gets me by every day.

Oh and I will gladly take a piece of cheesecake! mmm love that stuff! :)
Posted 7/18/2008 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
I agree fully red. It is so difficult to realize that life as we once knew it is gone. It is amazing how life can change at a moment of shear dumb luck or one blink of an eye. If I had one wish, that would be that my back would completely stop hurting and I could get off the pain medications, but realistically its not going to happen so I try to take one day at a time and hope that someday I will be able to do some things that I have missed through the years. I really wish that I was not in this situation, but since that is beyond my power to do anything about, I just keep going on. Several things I have started to do so that I can not think about the pain for awhile including; painting, sketching, my photography, play on the PC as well as I'm a dj for a VR radio station and of course venting my pain here on HW. So at least I have a few things to do while I wait for things to get better. Hubby bought me a chair that too helps me at least get out of bed and into the living room for awhile and I love it. We got it from Cabelas and it is what they call a 0 gravity chair that reclines alike to a recliner, but yet I can take it outside because it is a lawn type chair.

Hubby has done much to help me alleviate my daily activities. He is always helping me with things, does the dishes, takes care of the groceries and other things, so I suppose things could be worse. But I still cannot help feeling that I am pretty much dead weight around him and wish that I could work to help with the finances.
Posted 7/18/2008 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
Scared,
Wow - I love it! I've been invited to two pity parties in one week! And I can attend! No problems with driving somewhere, worrying about chairs, juggling meds, etc. These virtual parties are great! yeah And you're serving two of my favorite - iced tea and cheesecake. New York style I hope. tongue

I feel like I could have written much of your post. Of course, that's so true of all of us, and both the bad and the good thing about being here together - if that makes sense to anyone. If we had to go through this alone - so much worse. Be so grateful for a caring spouse, though. I live alone, and life is not only more difficult but much lonelier. Probably why I spend a lot of time here. I wish I had more of life, but now with pain, it tough to get one, although we have to grieve (I tell myself) so we can make some peace with where we are, and then add what good things we can and stop struggling with what we can't have or do. The struggle, oh the struggle. I know that adds a lot to our journey, but seems a necessary part of it.

Ok, pass me some of that cheesecake! :-)

PaLady

Post Edited (PAlady) : 7/18/2008 10:29:09 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/18/2008 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
Wow i really know how you feel. People laugh at me when i tell them how old i am and say wait till you get older it only gets worse!!!! Gosh if this gets worse i think i would die!  I was 17 when my back started hurting and got worse and worse and here i am 28 years old in so much pain everyday and all i can do is sit around try to move around dred cleaning and exspecially laundry! I feel so old it isnt funny. I had to give up my job in the medical field that i loved so much, and now since the end of may been sitting home once again.  I have my three little ones at home and wish i can do more with them as well. I try i really do. It makes no sense to me i can sit here at home and be in pain but i can handle it (with the help of my meds) but you put me in a car or we have a van and forget it. I hurt so bad it isnt funny! I never pictured my life this way either but this is my first party that i have attended in many years so thanks and if your serving New York cheesecake i would like two pieces today LOL! Thank you!

Posted 7/18/2008 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
*Passes the Cheesecake to PALady and a glass of cold Iced Tea! You are so right. Coming to the facts that we all are pretty much stuck with our lives as they are is something that I had a hard time with a few years ago. But now that I have realized that I am going to be in pain my entire life has helped me take the good with the bad. Its the cards that we are dealt and whether we like it or not this is the way we are...going through life in much pain. When I was first diagnosed I blamed my job, the doctors, the hospital and everyone else I could think of to blame, but then I realized that I did not choose to be in pain my entire life and whether I liked it or not was besides the point that I had to try and go on from here.

Yep your right I am very blessed to have a husband that cares and is trying his best to help make me more comfortable through the tough times. I cannot express how much he means to me after the last 8 years (we've been together 12) and would be helpless without him. My family (Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister) don't understand my pain and pretty much think that I am a whimp when it comes to dealing with the pain, but I really do not care what they think and would rather be with the one person that can understand what I am going through.

He goes with me to my appointments so that he knows what is going on and how to help me manage the pain, he drives me wherever I want to go and holds my hand when I am in a bad mood. I really cannot imagine life without him and don't wanna think of that. This morning at 5:30am, while I had nothing to do but lay here and look at the posts I read a post concerning intimacy and pain. It actually made me laugh because hubby and I have not been that way in awhile. Its not that I don't want to, its more like its too painful to find a position that works well. Since the lower part of my back is fused, I find it impossible to bend at the waist, besides being too painful. Ok that was a little over share tongue

Anyway its time for the fog to set in so I will close for now
Posted 7/18/2008 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
I just had this vision of having a 'party' in the chat room and having little icons to represent plates, knives, forks, cheesecake, iced tea, and any little ole' thing we want!

I think you're going to need more than one cheesecake. LOL

PaLady
Posted 7/18/2008 6:42 PM (GMT 0)

OMG, cheesecake, yummy, I will bring the Driscol strawberries that are one of my forbidden fruits and I will throw caution to the wind,lol. I do allow myself some strawberries, although I will pay for it. Some things I cannot give up totally, Red understands this, I am sure.

Scared, you sound like you are really in the grieving process right now and thats normal. I grieved for my old life and the old me. I went thru anger, I am sure I did the poor me too and probably a whole boat load of other stuff. According to my physchologist all of the feelings are very normal. A very high percentage of us woke up one day only to feel like our lives had been snatched from us overnight. I think at times, I still grieve for my old life, what I would give to have it back.

It has taken alot of counseling and medication to help me get past alot of the feelings I had. I even felt guilty, but I didn't know why I felt guilty.

One of my hardest lessons to learn was to pace myself. Also, I had to learn not to make these big lists of things to do. It boils down to limiting your daily ativities. Even if I wash 1-2 loads  of clothes, I put that limit on it. I do most of my work in the house the very same way.

Hgs to all today and don't forget I am bringing the strawberries. Susie

Posted 7/18/2008 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
PALady sounds like a party to attend! :-) and do not worry this cheesecake is all homemade and easy to fix as well :-) I also have 8 or 9 waiting for everyone to share in and yes its NY style hehehe is there any other???

One of my downfalls in life is I cannot get away from the cheesecake cause its SOOO yummy! I figure it like this, everyone deserves to indulge once in a while right?

Yeah I still miss my old life from time to time, especially in the summer when I see everyone out and about doing things that I only dream of or when hunting season comes around and I didn't put in for elk tags for the year. Hubby and I go down to Casper every year for antelope season and I have a disability tag so I can shoot from the truck (of course not off the highway, dear god noooo!). I have taken the last 3 years and analyzed my situation and now I can actually say that I do have a handle on things a bit better at least. I realize I have limitations and that no matter what I do I am in pain so might as well enjoy life as I can. I do pace myself Straydog with the housework and things that I want to get done. But sometimes I feel like a burden on my husband as he comes home grouchy and has a sink full of dishes to get done or 6 loads of laundry to put away. I know that can kinda seem petty since he always tells me that I am wrong and that I should just take it easy, but its hard watching him go to work everyday to support both of us while I sit at home and try to stop the pain from coming in these huge waves.

Its hard to watch him struggle with the mounting bills while I can do nothing to help him. I got into a car accident 3 years ago while I was headed down by myself to Thermopolis where my brother lives to see my Nephew for the last time before he died. He passed away of lung cancer ten minutes before I got into the accident and I did not get to see him or tell him how much I loved him. Anyway this really scared my husband and he hates seeing me drive now, because he thinks that maybe if I was not on the medication that I would have been more clear headed and would have been able to stop quicker. So I don't drive much any more and when I do I decrease the medications so that I can focus on the road which makes it hard for me to bear.

Bring on the strawberries Susie and anytime any of you need to talk I'm here for ya!
Posted 7/19/2008 3:55 AM (GMT 0)
Okay, a slab of the New York style cheesecake everyday would certainly take care of the extra calories I need-so I think I will drop by for your party.
What can I bring? How about white chocolate and Raspberry sauces.
Sj
Posted 7/19/2008 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, yum, Sj! I can hardly wait to taste all these gooodies!

PaLady
Posted 7/19/2008 9:08 AM (GMT 0)
Sure bring some along sj the more the merrier. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh at the wonders that we think of to get our minds off the pain right? Unfortunately it is 2:44am and I am awake in horrible pain on the left side, waiting for my medications to finally appear to show some help. I guess my body hates sleep, that all I can explain it with. As the pain sears from my lower back, down my left side (outer leg) it goes clear to the toes and makes it very unpleasant to try to think. When I woke up I about wet the bed it was so bad and I just don't know how much my brain can take before it says enough. So I sit out in my living room, trying to be as quiet as I can (because I'm trying to let hubby get some sleep as he has to work in the morning) and think of things that I can do to make the pain go away. This is horrible to think, but sometimes I feel that if I was paralyzed that at least the pain would be gone from my lower back and I could at least think of other things. Oh great! Now I feel guilty for even thinking this, it would be a horrible burden on my husband and I do not wish him to have to deal with that Ok back to the pleasant thoughts....puppies....kittens....chocolate......picnics........camping in the mountains.......

ah that's better for the brain. I have three Labrador Retrievers and they are so sweet. The oldest is Jazzmine, she is my baby and acts like a princess, too she is chocolate. Then there is Shadow, black as coal and will follow anyone around wherever they go, she loves to please and is a bit overweight. She is also hubby and I's dog as she does not have a preference of which on she will mind. Remington.....now there is a bull in a china cabinet! He has so much energy that I think he is secretly got ADHD. Remington is a yellow lab that thinks he is a boy trapped in a dogs body (and I am not kidding there) Remington is hubby's dog 100% except when mom has treats or scraps for him then he thinks he needs to snuggle to me for this. All three are great dogs, they love the water (except for Jazz and she looks retard when she swims) and Rem and Shad are hunters from the get go! Anyway Remington is sitting here begging for ice cause he knows mommy has some and would care for that whole glass to be dumped on the floor for him. He is so funny!

Anyway, guess I will read some posts and try to calm the nerves down. Take care all! Here is to a pain free or at least lessen pain day!
Posted 7/19/2008 12:09 PM (GMT 0)
Now click your heels three times and repeat after me: I will not be in pain, I will not be in pain, I will not be in pain - wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy??? :) I also have many animals and they are the best thing around that can take your mind off anything! I also have a black lab and she is the sweetest girl but it's my Jack Russel/Beagle mix that has the quirkiest personality that it is hilarious. I never know what that little dog is going to do next!

I think with my cheesecake, I am going to bring some fresh cherries and sauce. One can not possibly have cheesecake without cherries - nope, no other way :) And yes, you are right Susie - I am just gonna have to throw that ole caution to the wind and make that sacrafice for my cherries!
Posted 7/19/2008 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds good to me!! I love Cherries, in the summer time I buy bing cherries and man I can eat a full bag by myself!

I wish there was some switch that would just turn off the pain or like you said click your heels that would be awesome! I am currently waiting for my Kadian to kick in so I am praying that I get some relief. There was a commercial on TV here a little bit ago for DQ Blizzards oh man I love their cheesecake blizzard, yummmmmm! Maybe my pain will subside after I crawl into the hot tub.
Posted 7/19/2008 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, you guys!!! I am such a slacker. I didn't offer a single refreshment with my pity party. Hmmm... Can I still have some cheesecake? Sherry, can I come to yours too?
Posted 7/19/2008 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
Don't feel bad, Ry. My pity party was snackless, too. I'll know better next time. LOL

PaLady
Posted 7/19/2008 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Do not worry my friends there is plenty of cheesecake to go around and gallons of Iced Tea for all! I'm trying to be upbeat today, but its not working! The pain is so horrid and feels so bad that I feel like I just want to give up but I know that giving into the pain means giving up on everything so I will not do that! I've been in bed all day and it hurts to move so I'm stuck in bed today and I hate it. So I will take my cheesecake and iced tea in bed. There is room for one more if anyone wants to lay down and watch a movie (that sounded really bad, scratch that hehehe)
Posted 7/19/2008 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
Scared - It doesn't sound bad at all, so scoot over... we'll all pile in the bed and turn on the movie - I'll bring the popcorn. Maybe we can all distract each other from the pain with our favorite flicks. :-)
Posted 7/19/2008 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
OOOH! A pity party AND a slumber party! With snacks and entertainment! Scared you are creative!

So sorry you and Ry aren't doing too well today and truth be told I'm not so hot either. Pain seems to be spreading and it's a bit scary. So get a bigger bed (I hope it's a tempurpedic!), I'm on my way! redface

PaLady
Posted 7/19/2008 11:11 PM (GMT 0)
Cool! So if this is a slumber party, I can bring my pink fuzzy slippers right? :) Oh and heck, if we are gonna have cheesecake, popcorn and tea - what about homemade chocolate chip cookies too?? Yes, I'm having quite the bad day today too. Feels as if someone is taking an ax to my neck and sawing instead of chopping. But I'm glad at least my epidural stop the pain that was wrapped around my ribs!
Posted 7/20/2008 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
Oh bring on the cookies and hop on in people its slumber party and pity party all at the same time :-) I got a few movies we can watch and if they don't please ya bring your own as well. I'll throw on the popcorn and we will forget our pain :-)
Posted 7/20/2008 1:45 AM (GMT 0)
BTW Red...bring them pink fuzzy slippers cause I got my mallard duck slippers as well.
Posted 7/20/2008 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
LOL!!!

Wouldn't it be great if we could get someone to fund a convention for us (and all our travel costs!) and we could do this for real! Hey - maybe some drug company. We use enough of their products. It could be some kind of a trial.

"The Effects of Slumber-Pity Partying on Pain Levels"

control group !: NY styel cheesecake eaters (varying toppings)
control group 2: ice cream (varying flavors TBD) eaters
control group 3: homemade (warm) chocolate chip cookie eaters
conrol group 4: popcorn eaters
control group 5: those who ate everythinig
control group 6: party-poopers who stayed home.


PaLady tongue
Posted 7/20/2008 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
hahahahahahaha PA now that would be excellent to do!!! A nice pain trial for us to experience! I'd probably be in the 5th control group as everything that you have on the list is what I love to eat.

Ever notice that when we feel bad or are in tremendous pain we always rely on comfort foods to help ease the pain?
Posted 7/20/2008 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
May I join this pity party, sounds like lots of fun and the food sounds wonderful!!!! Then the slumber party; right up my alley, my bed is so comfortable I stay in it a lot, because I can relieve my back pain better in my bed as well as my abdominal pain. I love my heating pad and I can lie there and watch television and be fairly comfortable. I could bring some coke's and the extra large heating pad. I don't have any novelty bedroom shoes, but I have pink comfy ones I wear all the time. I do have dog and kitty pajamas though.

By the way, our family have dogs too... I have a pekingese and she just had puppies, they are 4 weeks old and beginning to get into everything. They are climbing out of the birthing box, and just today we put up the puppy playpen outside and put them out there for awhile, so that they can run and play and poop and I don't have to clean it up constantly. This is her first liter and she had 6 puppies, with no problems and in 2 hrs at that. Our other dog is a jack russell / mountain fiest and he is so funny; he is very loveable and yet full of energy, he is my husbands dog and the pekingese is mine. Now, this is the one that bred the pekingese; by accident of course, but they are absolutely adorable and I already have people wanting a puppy. They both are squirrel dogs and Jack is an excellent mouser. Chloe stays inside, but loves the outside too and she notifies me of anyone at the door and Jack notifies me of anyone in the yard; but neither are yappy. Anyway, we love them and I am enjoying the puppies, although they require a lot of energy on my part that I don't often have and cleaning out the birthing box 2-3 times daily absolutely kills my back.

I have had a better day today as far as emotionally, but lately I have been terribly depressed and angry about my illnesses. Reading these posts has been a lot of fun and I look forward to reading even more. By the way, I think I would be in group 5, that is if I'm not in the group that doesn't make it there.
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