Help Please

Last night was filled with disappointments, anger,pain, and extreme flustration leading to the dark world of Depression. I am shaking inside and do not know how to stop it. My mind is filled with flashbacks so it is hard to concentrate please forgive me for my spelling and grammar.
I believe that the dark road to Depression is long and unending unless You pull over and ask for direction---You my fellow members know the pain and discomfort and of course the mental torment of living in pain thus You are my Peers and I am reaching out to You as I have been betrayed and need help from only those who walk in my shoes.
Years ago I lost my Step Brother to a illegal prescription drug overdose. My Brother addressed His suicide note only to me and not my other family members. He expressed his sorry in lying to me, he expressed his sorrow for leaving me so early in life and then went on to give me a i felt was a pep talk telling me to keep up making people laugh and how I could cure our families loss of Him by my use of my humor.
Some time went by and I had my accident and once I could walk and talk I joined a gym where I could use their swimming pool during the cold months. My first day in the pool I over did my excercise's and my legs were very weak. I made it into the Showers/ dressing room where I tried to get my bathing trucks off. I was able to get them down to my feet but being wet they felt like the suit was glued to my ankles so there I sat pantless and helpless. The showers have doors and inside one of the showers I heard a man falling and struggling and quite honestly did not know what to think, minutes later the door opened and out fell a man my age trying to get his shorts on also ! Now you have two grown men naked from the waist down with no idea how we were to get dressed. Instead of being depressing I made some comment which resulted in both of us laughing for what seemed like hours as we helped each other get dressed. That day that other man who i will call for now was Buddy.
We became "brother" like friends sharing tons of laughter and pain. Buddy had numerous failed back surgeries and suffered from unending pain just like us --so we had a lot in common.
I was to go to his home at the Shore today for two weeks as my wife and I have down for the past several years. Buddy and His Wife were to join my Wife and I this fall at our vacation home in upstate Pa.
Early this morning I recieved a telephone call from Buddy the tone of his voice bought back the memory of my step-brothers last call to me, buddy
said Tom ( He always called me Tommy ) I know it;s hard for You but I need You right away please hurry then Buddy hung up. As i worked my way to His home I called and called not recieving any answer.
When I arrived Buddys garage door was open, there was a tv with a dvd player the tv was on and a dvd was playing a recording of a "roast" that I
had given for Buddy on his birthday where we all (friends and family) roasted him, we all had great time.
Buddy had a table out in the middle of his garage floor filled prescription bottles, His gun safe door was open and inside were tons of pharmacy bottles. On the table in front of Buddy were prescriptions from all different doctors from all over the tri-state area
Buddy was slumped over and had left this world. Again there was a note addressed to only me.
While I am new to this forum I feel close to many of You and need advice from my peers, my family is coming up my driveway and soon will be
trying to help me make sense of this ? They are all healthy ( Thank God ) they do not understand how to deal with me. I could never accept a therapist who was trying to help me deal-- how can a therapist help when they do not personally know pain ?
Any thoughts suggestions, how do i stop shaking ?? thanks for letting me share. If I were reading this post like You I would not know what to say
to me ?? Sorry, shame, ? right now these words are nothing but words. Ever hear the expression "tears of a clown" I now know what it means.

Oh, Tom! My heart just aches for you right now. There are no words.

(((((hugs)))))

Ry

Tommy, I am so sorry for your loss and the first thing that came to my mind was to tell you a joke, to cheer you up. Then I realized the letters were left for you because you are the rock, thats right YOU. you are strong and the proof of that is you took the time to express how you are feeling. Listen to what we are saying go to a Therapist its not like it will put you in any more pain than you are already in. Trust us, lean on us, and let us take some of your pain from you. I am crying right now and will help you carry the load. You are going to be OK, start by making buddy's wife and your wife laugh today.
cliff
spelling doesn't count

Tom you are obviously a tremendously caring person. The letters left to you on both occasions lead me to believe that you meant a lot to your brother and your friend. It may not be as obvious to you but i am an outsider and I think both occasions have been left for you because you would know what to do. They trusted you but at the same time broke your heart. But please take solace from these facts that you are highly respected, from both people. I don't know you, but I would like to. Your wife and friends wife are very lucky to have you in theirs. Everyone here will always listen, and help if they can, but I think that this is something that you and only you can deal with, but we will be here ready and willling to listen, or even try and cheer you up. You probably won't want to laugh but think of all the funny moments you had with both people, and know that you got through it once and you can sure as hell do it again!!! Be strong, and be as kind and caring as you sound you always have been. Thinking of you and your family

amanda xx

Awe Tom, so sorry for your losses, wish I knew what to say.
Prayers and soft Hugz to you,

awww Tom, I too am sorry for this loss. I have no words to comfort you as I have lost family members as well and I was in a very dark place for a long time just a few years ago. The only thing that I can suggest is to get help in dealing with this loss and I hope that soon you will be back to your old self laughing and joking with us about things. My prayers are with you through your struggles and I truly hope that you can find a way out of this depression.

I lost my nephew to bone cancer three years ago and I know the emotional roller coaster that accompanies this horrid experience in life. David was a strength that I can never replace, he was always there encouraging me to find a way to work through the pain and helped me gobs when it came to understanding why I was in so much pain. I got into a car accident three years ago and was on my way to say goodbye to him before the cancer took his body. Ten minutes before the accident David died and his last words to his mother was "Mom I gotta go....aunt needs my help." then he passed. It was so hard for me to realize this but I believe that David was there comforting me through the accident and keeping me safe from harm. I recall hearing his voice in my head saying "not your time yet auntie....need you to help mom and dad through my death and you are the strength of this family so you cannot die."

Anyway hun....hope you are ok and things will be ok soon I promise. Your friend in pain....

Scarred

Tom, just wanted to say that it might take awhile but there are pain management psychologist out there that've experienced pain issues, mine has, but it took a long time for me to find one. Keep looking they are out there.
Continued prayers and well wishes to you........
ya know we all luv ya........

Frances_2008 said...
Tom,
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like Buddy was a really good friend & great encouragement. I wish I knew what to say to help you through this sad time. If there's anything you can think of, please let me know -- in the meantime I will keep you & everyone else touched by this in my thoughts & prayers.

love and prayers,
frances

Hi there Francis: My life got flushed down the toilet and some people is lookin to flush this old pain filled guy & my trusty Goat " Fruit Loops" into cyper- space.
What You can do for me is get better and never loose touch and most of all get Yourself better don't worry about me. Cause of the stress i have been thru just like You my head is exploding. Thank you for Your thoughts and prayers ! What else could i ever ask for ?
I am still getting feedback on Your medical condition but my brain is mush. Once I un much I'll email Ya. Your always on my mind, Tom
" Your always on my mind" did I steal that from someone ?? ooooooooohhhhhhhh- is there a flush a coming?

mrsm123 said...
Hi Tom,
I don't know if anything that any of us can say is going to ease your pain today. I'm truly sorry about the loss of Buddy, both for you and your wife and for Buddy's family.

I don't know why people choose suicide as an answer to their problems, but I do know that it causes such pain in those left behind, with so many unanswered questions and no means of getting the answer to the one that most want most......why?

I can feel the depth of your pain through your words, and I wish that there were some way to ease it, today and in the coming days and weeks ahead of you.

I don't know why Buddy chose today to end his life, but I imagine that something happened or he just felt that he couldn't live any longer with the pain. I'm sorry that you were the one that he called to find him, that is a tremendous burden to put on someone, and I don't think that Buddy realized he would be doing by making that call. I'm pretty sure that Buddy's choice today has brought up those painful memories of your brother's death as well, and I'm sorry for that.

I hope in the coming days and weeks Tom, that we can support you, and offer you a place to talk if you feel the need to.

Grief is something that you have to work your way through Tom, as I'm pretty sure that you know already.

Sending you comforting hugs,

Sandi M

Sandi: I love hugs ! How did You know ?? You have been a God sent to me, Are You my Angel ??? My huggie Angel??

My memories are now filled with anger from betrayal and i cannot go more into it. Your comments and thoughts helped me make it thru the day. Thanks for being my Angel Today. P.S. I would not mind if You decided to hang around and Angel a little more for me ?? I'll let ya play with my pet goat Fruit Loops funny the first thing i went to for comfort were my animals ! Really felt like they ( my dogs and of course Fruit loops ) understood why Daddy was so upset. Sorry I am rambling. Tom

Tom Robin,
When I was in deep sorrow one time, I called the Crisis Line. The person who answered my call, listened and then she
said, "It's going to take time for you to feel better."
"How much time?" I choked out. Screamed out.
"As much time as it takes," she said.
That conversation was 35 years ago and I still remember where I was standing in my kitchen when she said that.
The words aren't the highest philosophy, but they worked for me.
I'll never get over it, of course. But it's gotten a whole lot better.
Pam

Depth of pain must be kept silent. Isn't that just the weirdest thing?

worsenow!!! said...
Tom you are obviously a tremendously caring person. The letters left to you on both occasions lead me to believe that you meant a lot to your brother and your friend. It may not be as obvious to you but i am an outsider and I think both occasions have been left for you because you would know what to do. They trusted you but at the same time broke your heart. But please take solace from these facts that you are highly respected, from both people. I don't know you, but I would like to. Your wife and friends wife are very lucky to have you in theirs. Everyone here will always listen, and help if they can, but I think that this is something that you and only you can deal with, but we will be here ready and willling to listen, or even try and cheer you up. You probably won't want to laugh but think of all the funny moments you had with both people, and know that you got through it once and you can sure as hell do it again!!! Be strong, and be as kind and caring as you sound you always have been. Thinking of you and your family

amanda xx

Hi Amanda: I do not believe I have had the real pleasure of writing or reading from You before ? I could be wrong lately I am told on this forum i have done a lot of wrong stuff ! In my defense I be a real mess, I was a mess before yesterday now i am mush mess ! ! With your kind words and support my mushing may go away and I can return to just being a mess ! ! Cool ? ? Hopefully i am not tossed into internet stranger land and can stay here with Good people like You. Thanks again Tommy

I think you tell a good story.

I am sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.