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Posted 8/23/2008 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
I dont even know where to start...So here goes,

I know some of you know I have been struggling with what to do about my kids and being able to manage my life as it was before my accident. I am a single mom with 4 kids.   My fiance is scottish and we are working out immagration issues on top of all this.  We are waiting to get our fiance visa aprroved and he will be moving over here. We just have no idea how long that will take, its first come first serve and he cant come over while the visa is pending, sighs, or he would have been over as soon as I got in my accident.   

 SoTonight we talked and made the decission to send my kids to there fathers.  We were talking that before my accident  I ran at a 100%, 100 % of the time. And how hard it was for me then, being at a 100%. That this would be best for them and it doesnt have to be perminent. That I really need to concertrate on getting better or just learning how to manage a life with CP.   

I agreed on most days now, I'm at about 30% and on those rare times 40% of what I used to do.   I was thinking that if I cant take care of myself then how will I be able to take care of my kids.  I obviously need to take care of myself because what kind of effective mother can I possible be in the condition that I am in right now.  That was hard to accept, but I thought with time hopefuly I would recover and if not fully then enough to get my life back.  I need some time to heal phycaily and emotionaly and I have not had that in this last few months.  This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through.

So I called my ex husband who lives in philly, as he has told me several times sense the accident that he would do what he could to help me out and get the kids, their his kids too and he would do what was necessary for them as well,  if I needed him to call.  Hmmmm, well lets just say that,  that didnt go as I planned or expected.

This has been taring me apart sense the accident and I have tried so hard to keep everything together, but I just cant right now.  This was agonizing for me but I had to make a decission, so I called.

My ex then proceeded to make every excuse in the book not to be able to help by taking the kids form "where do you expect to put the kids.  Im in a  2 bedroom apartment.", " I hope you know that this is gonna make things so hard on everyone from stepmom, stepsister, new baby brother, and what about how ours kids are gonna cope",  He named them all by name!  " , 'if I come and get them this is forever theres no goin back"  And if this isnt the topper  "if, if i come and get them, you will have to pay for me there and back!" What an ass!

So there I sat, saying to myslef, this is really unbelieveable but typical of him.  I really should have know better, he was like that when we were married and I know that if I send the kids I wouldnt feel right in my heart about it and I dont want him taking it out on my kids if he really doesnt want to help his kids, not me, I will find a way to survive.  My kids are my life and I have worked to hard to raise them the right way and make my home a palce of love and laughter no matter what life throughs at us. 

So I quess I will again after this.  I quess in some ways I feel better even though I'm not sure i can manage.  I can deal with pragmatics its all the uncertanties that are my undoing.  Plus it was tearing me up about sending the kids all the way to Philly anyways and of that I'm glad for, even though I know its going to be a hard road. 

I am new to CP, didnt have it before my accident.  I lived a healthy noraml life along my merry way.  Dreaming my painting then painting my dream.  Now I have to find a new way to deam my painting and paint my dream. 

I know that means I will have to give up some of the things that I used to dream about, but it doesnt mean I cant dream a new dream, just with a different reality than before.  I quess Im just a bit lost on how to dream right now. I feel alone and scared, but determinend and resolute. 

How do those with kids manage?  Have you found ways that makes things easier. How do you manage doctors appointment amost everthing else?  

Well sorry it was so long winded, I really needed to vent, Im a bit angry  (well very angry right now) Good thing my ex lives in philly cause the way I feel right now he wouldnt have to worry about proving himself a man anymore!  Sighs sorry again. 

Thank you all for listening it means the world to me

Lara

 

 

Posted 8/23/2008 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Lara,
I don't have children, so I can't offer you help in that area, but I do want to say that you do have my support and the support of many others here. Since I live alone, I know that can't replace someone there to help you, and to give you a literal hand with 4 children. Is there anyone you can bring into your life in some way - other family, friends? Raising 4 children even with 2 parents would be a challenge; as a single parent who's healthy that would be a stretch, but to do it on your own with chronic pain...well, you're going to need help. And maybe that's the point you reached. Knowing you must find some help.

So you reached out to your ex, and he didn't come through, And you indicate this isn't probably the first time; perhaps it's why you're no longer together. I don't know - would your medical condition help speed up the visa for your fiance? Also, are you a member of a Church or a community group of some kind. If not, I'd suggest trying to look for community centers or anyplace that especially might have other single parent groups. And call your local United Way and ask about agencies that could help you and/or the children. See what's available for you.

I don't recall how old your children are, but if you have older ones they may need to help more with chores and such.

I wish I could offer you more, but I do send a big hug!

PaLady
Posted 8/23/2008 4:38 AM (GMT 0)
Lara,
I think you may be on the right road. I wish I was more experienced to give you
advice that would be useful to you. I sure wish you well and know it's extremely
difficult for you.
With Chronic Pain, each of us has to change our life almost completely. My kids
are grown up and that makes it so much easier.
Stay close with your mother. Maybe she wants to help you out. Oh, I don't know.
All I want to say is be well and take care. You're in my thoughts. I know you'll do the right thing.
PN
Posted 8/23/2008 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
Lara, you go girl!

I can empathize with you 100%. In 1988, my hubby finally landed his 'dream job' but we got evicted from our mobile home park (we'd borrowed on rent to put gas in car for job hunt); I had to immediately move with the kids to the city to find work - he was unable to send any $'s, and welfare cut us off due to his earnings, be that as they were. Then...oldest daughter went out for three nights in a row, and I immediately took her down to stay with a former neighbor - it was hard, but she could have died. Later, I ended up using some tough love and had her in rehab at 14. Then...in all in this short period of time, hubby was killed in a trucking accident (trucking was his dream job); and I dropped out of nursing school to be with the kids - I've never regretted or looked back. Another door - ccomputers - was opened, and I became a tech.

I understand how agonizing these decisions are, and when you're in constant pain, it's harder. I was lucky in one respect...my severe pain didn't start until a couple years ago and i was relatively healthy during that fiasco.

However, my youngest is on disability (along with myself), and has some developmental delays (deficits?) due to hypoxia at birth (she was a cardiac baby); and we're working together to make things work. She's a sweetie and hasn't given me any usual teenage trouble, never did (like her sister), except I have to sit on her to do chores, and she'll need help managing money and getting a job.

Lara, hang in there! I think you're doing the right thing. I still agonize over my decision to put my oldest with my former neighbor. Thank God it worked out in the long run.

God Bless
Posted 8/23/2008 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Ladyred;

Yeah I have children, my youngest was in HS when I hurt my back so he understood that there was problems and that mom ws on meds and trying to deal. Of course he was more independent then most that have younger kids and cooked and cleaned much for me so that he didn't have to look into my eyes and see the pain on my face. I think what you are doing is the right thing and that things will work out for the best for you and your fiance.

As far as your Ex make sure he understands (even if you have to put it in writing) that you are only giving him the kids for a short time to cover your own bottom on this. He may not like this but it is the best thing for the kids right now. If he threatens to take them away from you for good I would take it to a judge and force him to care for the children until you can get back on your feet (this may or may not work).

Hope this helps and good luck sweetie

hugsssss
Scarred
Posted 8/23/2008 10:41 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Ladyred,

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties.  Although you are physically limited by chronic pain, you still have a great heart.... and that is the most important quality in being a good mother.  Your Ex sound quite mean; as a result, I think it would be best for you to do everything you can to keep your kids from having to live with him.  I think you should focus more on trying to get your fiancé into America. 

 

Perhaps this website will help?

http://travel.state.gov/visa/temp/without/without_1261.html

 

You also might want to try receiving help from friends, neighbors, or other relatives.  If you tell people who live near you about your situation, they might be willing to help you.  After I read your story, I wanted to help.  In fact, if you or someone like you was my neighbor, I would help.    

 

:-)  Good luck and have a nice day!

                                              

Posted 8/24/2008 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lara:

I saw your post and I wanted to share with you. I normally post on the Lupus forum, I really felt for you as I read your post. My first question to you is how old are your children? You're a great lady to have 4 children I have the utmost respect for women that have more than one child. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with CP and that your significant other isn't there with you at this time. I'm sure you feel like you've lost your ability to have dreams and are overwhelmed with stress. I'm hoping that you have a child that is at least a ****. I'm going to let you hear some of my story and maybe you can find something that may help you.

I'm 43 yrs old with a husband and daughter. My daughter is 15 yrs old and I've been married to my hubby for 23 yrs. I've had lupus for 20 years now. The past 7 years I have become sicker and sicker. My daughter doesn't remember me ever being well. Long story short I took a medication to treat my lupus and I was told there was a 4% chance I could get lymphoma or leukemia from it. Well I'm the most unlucky person in the world, I got leukemia from this medication. So I currently have Lupus/RA/Fibro/Leukemia. My lupus complicates things with my leukemia and I'm going to need a bone marrow transplant if I hope to even want to continue to live. I stand only a 35% chance of pulling through the transplant if we did it right now. I live in constant pain 24/7 I'm on oxycontin and demerol daily and still sit at a 5 out 10 on the pain scale.

So how does this help you, my daughter is totally aware of how ill I am. I was in the hospital 9 times last year for a total of 50 days. She spends everyday watching to see if I eat, how much pain medication I take, how long I sleep during the day etc, you get the point. I have become dependent on her being independent. I certainly feel guilty that she has to do so much cleaning around the house. That she has to fetch things for me and such. She feels like she's dumped on because she's an only child. Is it possible if your kids are old enough to help out, that you choose chores that they can do to help you out. Make up a daily chore chart and mark down once they've completed the chore. To get the to help you out can you pick out something special that they would like to have. Like a play station game or some new cloths or a trip to the dollar store, a new movie etc. Pick out their special treat for the month and have them help choose which chores they'll be doing and start working towards it. It makes them feel like they are working towards a goal and they are less likely to complain about doing the chores.

On days that you really feel poorly, if you can lay on the couch and try to oversea what they are doing, you can explain how to do the chore that they need to do. Our children can be very selfish at times, but they overall are aware that we are sick and they want to help us feel better. If they can understand that helping you pick up around the house would greatly help you then they'll try to do that. As far as doctor appointments and such I'm assuming that your children aren't old enough to be left alone. Could you possibly find a teenager in your neighborhood that would be interested in making some money? If you need appointments and you have no one that can help you during the day, I'm not sure if your in the USA UK, or Scotland, but I know here in the USA there are programs that provide respite care to people with health conditions. Could you possibly contact social services where you live and see if they could help you out? Matter fact if you're in the USA, if you'll provide me the city and state you live in I'll do the research for you and see if I can find some help for you.

You're not alone Lara, I'll be happy to try to help a way to get you some help. I'm truly sorry that you've got to deal with these troubles. Just remember that you're a great woman and Mom and any situation can be solved. I'll be praying for you and if I can help in anyway, please just let me know here.

Wishing you the best,
Barbara
Posted 8/24/2008 4:36 AM (GMT 0)

Hello all and thank you so much for all your kind words and helpful advice. 

When writing that last night I realized that I made  it sound like I have no help at all and that isnt true.  My mom and dad are helping me out with money right now, as if they dont I will have to move in with them and we have already been there and done that and all of us agree that it is better if I dont live there unless there is no other choice.  It is not that we dont have a good realationship we do ,just that me and my mom are very different people with very different views and it causes alot of conflict if we spend to much time together. My parents are well off and I dont like having to ask them for help at all,  just makes me sick as im 40 and very independant.

But I realize as well that pride cometh before the fall and I am at a point that I have no choice in the matter no matter how it may make me fell inside.  I even went to my lawyer and drew up a contract that when I get my settlement that  I will pay them back for everything.

My problem is more the phyical side of things.  My kids are older, my oldest is 18 and just out of rehab, sighs, long story, but she just came back to live with me and is detoxing so she is a help but that is limited right now.  The others are 14, 13, and 10.  So they arent babies. Just used to mom doing it all...

I realize that I am going to have to get them on board as well and here is that pride thing again, I need for them to help out more around the house, well basicly do it all except for the cooking.  I cant manage all the running around, work , when I can manage to get there, and school, sports exc. without them doing the house work.   I feel bad as they have had to grow up alot faster because of my divorce 2 1/2 yrs ago, but hey we all must do what we must. I just hate that they have had to grow up so fast and not be able to just be kids.

I quess its the long list of the things that come with CP and all the things you have to let go of and just manage the best you know how to.  It is the inconsistanies that make it so hard.  And it really brings home the lonelyness  that comes with CP even with those that love you and believe you but just dont really get it completely. And to top it off I'm trying to get my pain meds managed with something that works for me and that I know can take a bit of time and as of right now that isnt happening, everthing I go on I am having a reaction to or doesnt work. So the pain is there all the time on my best days pain level is at 5 or 6 most of the time I'm at a 7 or 8. 

 Today I went to work and food shopping by the time I got in my car I had to sit there and cry for about 20 mins as I was in so much pain and I didnt want the kids to see it when I got home.  I had to come home and tell the kids that they had to get dinner together tonight as I just couldnt and went in my room and cried again and  I hate it and I'm mad and angry and I quess I am in the acceptance portion of my CP.  It has be 3 months this Tue. sense my accident and I realize that I will probable be dealing with this quite some time as nothing has made a dent.  But with this once again I will cope and find a way.

Barbara, I am so sorry for all that you are going though.  My best friends is end stage lupus and we talk in depth all that she struggles with so I really feel for you and my heart just goes out to you are your family and I so admire your stength and fortutude!  I do live in the us I'm in Charleston, SC. and I thank you so much for you story and kind word and your offer to help with all that you are going through.

Lonely...I am so glad that you responded as your story so touched my heart in your last post and your kind words mean so much to me as I know how much it cost you to put yourself out there and that touches me on so many levels.  I have submitted and request to expite my visa almost 3 weeks ago and have not heard a word back from uscis.  I have contacted my Sentor and will be sending him a packet that he said he will send to the immagration department. At this point it is the only thing I have left to do with that one and all I can do is hope and pray that that works. And I will do what ever possible to keep the kids with me, I dont want them with my ex. And just knowing you would offer me help Lonely mean alot to me.  I think you have so much more than you realize inside you.  You will make a great Bf or husband one day!

Ts...thanks so much for your understanding that as much as you want to have things on a schedule that it isnt always possible with kids and exp. when dealing with CP that just gets thrown out the window and knowing that you understand and dont have to justify it means so much more than you can ever know. Thank you for that and I am so sorry for all your pain.

Scarred...Thank you as always for your post and caring.  My ex doesnt want to take the kids so that is a mute point.  If he was a different man I would send them to him but he isnt so I will just have to find a way to deal.  At least I wont have to cry everyday from missing my kids on top of everything else. Hugss and I hope you are dealing ok with all that has been on your plate this last while I have been praying for you and your family.

Granny...so nice to meet you and thanks so much for the boost I get from you lol.  You made me smile and gave me hope that all things work out in the end as they should:)

Pamela...Thanks so much it means so much to know you care and I love your fire it gets me going...I also left you a post under Ok this is one to ponder over...

Palady....as always your warm and generious heart always touches me deeply and your hugs are so most welcome.  I will look into the United Way never thought of that one so thank you so much and dont worry getting ready to get kids in shape... if you want would be glad to send one of them to help you:) Hugs to you lovely Palady.

Sorry for being long winded again but i really wanted to thank each one of you personaly as you each have brought something to my life which has made it better and Im lucky for having you all...You all have been my sorce of stentgh and it keeps me going forward.

Im going to go to bed and try and sleep tonight just took meds so hoping they will knock me out feeling a bit groggy.

Love you all

Lara

Posted 8/24/2008 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
((((((Lara))))))

I SO wish there was some way I could help you now, Lara. I can't imagine how this struggle of CP must be compounded by needing to parent at the same time. I think you've gotten lots of good advice here. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but all I can say is that you ARE doing the very best you can. You ARE! And I think your kids are old enough to see that.

I am so sorry for how your ex has let you (and even worse - your kids) down when you needed him. But now you know that door is closed. I know that was such a difficult thing for you to do. I will be praying for you!

Ry
Posted 8/24/2008 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Lara,
Thank you so much for the kind words. And I'm glad to learn more details of your situation and - I hope this comes across right, although with words only it can be misinterpreted - but I think I'm glad your ex wouldn't take your children. They are geting old enough now (and your 18 yr. old is a young adult now) that having them learn to help is actually good for them. They need to learn life skills like cooking and cleaning (and for your daughter coming out of rehab a routine of chores will be good therapy for her), and that Mom can't cart them everywhere so they may need to start asking friends for rides, etc.

I know the pride thing is hard - believe me, I do. Even though our situations are difficult, I've always been independent and now my cousin is paying for my health insurance and helping with car repairs because I have no money left and nowhere else to turn but government programs (and that's in my future, which breaks my heart). So the fact your parents can help you - let them! What goes around comes around, so to speak, and although it's hard at our end to ask and receive, we've probably given more in our lives than we've realized and aren't very good at accepting help. But it's difficult to accept that life has changed, isn't it? And that certain things will never be as they were. You still have many positive things to look forward to, including a pending marriage! So go ahead and cry and grieve, but allow yourself to reach out for and accept the help that's there. Your kids will actually be better for it in the long run, IMHO.

PaLady
Posted 8/27/2008 2:54 AM (GMT 0)
Palady

Thanks so much for your kind words sometimes someone giving you the right to be upset and not setting there telling you to buckle up and move on means so much for...

Today I really had to swallow my pride and Im done with the pride thing for now.  I was at the doc with my daughther, and got a call from younder daughter when she got home from school telling me that someone was there to cut off my electric. I was a bit confused because my bill was only 1 day overdue.

So I called the electric company and they told me that yes they did cut it off.  Man was I pissed off I so cant believe that they can turn you off just because you are one day overdue.  Was on the phone with one of the managers and they told me by law that they can cut you off anytime they want when you are overdue.  I was so mad and upset.  What a world we live in when your basic ness. can be taken away just like that. 

To make a long story short I paid the bill and a 25$ connection fee and a 5$ fee to do it over the phone, which left me with excatly 1$ till firday when I get paid.  SO I had to call my mom and borrow money off her.  I hated it but the alternative I hated even more.  So once again had to do what I must instead of what I would like. 

But I quess I am becoming ok with it as you said to me in other post.  It all comes around and someday I will be taking care of my parents.  I am lucky to have them to help out and at the end of the day that is what family is for.  I would do it for my kids no questions asked. 

As far as the kids geting on board they are starting to realize that if we are to survive it has to a family effort or we will go under.  They still moan but, hey they are kids and I moan alot to lol.....But I think we can do it...it is amazing what you can do when there is no one else to do it for you. 

Thanks so much palady....hoping you are well and things are better for you as well this week...I know we all had a kinda bad week last week.  Always praying for you and wishing you the best

Lara

 

Posted 8/27/2008 3:11 AM (GMT 0)
(((Lara)))

What a horrible thing for them to do to you! I've had to be late on my electric several times since this medical stuff started with me, and they don't shut off here until you are over two months late! It is just wretched for them to jump on you like that! I am wondering if you call the office headquarters or maybe your city mission or somewhere like that if they would refund that re-connect fee due to your special circumstance? In my city, we all pay an optional surcharge that covers an emergency fund for cases just like this. When people are in crisis mode, they can call in and get 1-2 months of their basic utilities covered out of this fund. I can't recall who exactly holds onto the money, but I would think there'd be a similar type of fund in most cities.

I saw in your other post that you have been to the doc with your daughter too. Wanted to tell you I'm praying for her too. I know that's got to be really heavy on your mind and heart. But what a blessing that she's clean and seeking treatment. And the fact that she's come home to you says a lot for how much she trusts you. You've obviously created a loving and safe home environment for your kids.

Wish I could do more than send virtual hugs, but I'm sending lots of them your way!!!
Ry
Posted 8/27/2008 3:20 AM (GMT 0)

Awww thanks so much Ry,

I know I was going to welfare this week to see about getting some enegy assistance I never even thought that they would cut off like that.  i have lived in several states and I have never heard of such a thing.  I did talk with someone there and what amazes me is that I have a 150$deposit with them.  But they told me that its on the contract you sigh when you first start you electric.  But I still think its a disgarce no matter what way you cut it.  Quess things are tight for the CEO's of the power companies(not)!  18 million just isnt enough for them eh!

And thank you so much for what you said about my daughter Ry, means so much to me and I quess I never looked at from that point that she feels safe here.  That made me feel so much better about all this.  Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mom with her.  Altho I know I didnt make her do it, It was here choice but you still wonder what I you did wrong along the way.

The hugs mean so much to me so Im sending them right back to you(((((()))))) after all you cant ever have to many hugs can one?

Lara

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