I cant take life anymore. Im on a brink of I dont know what.

Hi, Im Gwen. Im 33yo and have 3 kids. I have a multitude of health problems and mental issues as well. I know I dont have it as bad as some others do and Im grateful for that. Its sad that I have to come to a website forum board to empty my gut feelings. Im in a bad place right now. Im safe in my home but I just cant take things anymore. I dot even know if Im postng this in the right place.

I have crohns disease and a spastic colon. I have had 3 surgeries for it and do not respond to medications for it. It flairs evey so often. My flair started in May after 3 years in remission. I have had 3 lithotrypsy surgeries for kidney stones already this year. They keep forming due to the crohns disease. My kidney doctor wont do a 4th surgery because I have no medical insurance and no money to pay him. My stones are trivial the doctors say. They are small enough to pass but wont on their own. Its a constant pain added to other existing pain that is just mounting up. My GI doctor is a good guy and so is my general practioner. Something I need to add here is that I am a recovering drug addict and my drug of choice is narcotic pain meds and meth. I am recovered forthe last 3 plus years. I confided to my docs of the fact of my drug use. They have been very careful to avoid the narcotics. But in August the pain was unbearable. I have been on percocet since August. My doctors have been weening me off because they believe that its not doing any good. They also have been saying things to me that they think Im abusing them. This is the 1st time I have been completely honest about everything. I take them as perscribed and thats it. The pain is only getting worse and they take away the narcotics. I have been hospitalized 5-6 times since May. Either from crohns or kidney stones.

It takes very little to set off unbearble pain for me. I eat something wrong and it sets off the pain. I do to much in a day and it sets off the pain. I stress out to much and it sets off the pain. I live in constant pain and nothing to do about it. My doctors have been dropping me for drug test everytime I see one of them. When I was admitted to the hospital last week they dropped me for a test and said that the narcotic percocet didnt even show up. I swear I was taking them, I was tapering off like they said, but was still taking them. They dropped me an unexpected drug test a month ago and it came back positive for barbituates or whatever. I swore then that I hadnt taken anything. He was sceptical. I had it sent to a lab and it came back positive. I was angry at 1st but then I understood his point too. He is just playing it safe. Well now my GI sent a letter to my GP saying that he would not be giving me any more narcotics. He thinks I was getting them from him and my GP. The only time I would get a scrpit of Narcotics from the other doctor was when I couldnt get into see my GI. And even then I always told him. I always make sure that each doctor knows exactly what the other has perscribed. I dont play doctor shopping. I was being straight on. No lies, no BS. Just honesty.

Now both docs are constantly questioning my need for percocet. The pain only is getting worse and no treatment is working and they are taking away the pain medicaion. They did put me on Neurontin and Lyrica and it is helping to a degree. As long as I dont do anything, I dont hurt. When I start doing something simple like house work or grocery shopping, the pain starts coming back. Ive only been on this medicine for a week. Im giving it a try. But Im doubful as I cant sit on my butt all day. I have two teenage girls and a 4yo boy that is a extremely busy and a handful.

I am not one to feel sorry for my self generally but today is just mounting up to be one big pity party it seems. Im really struggling with my sobriety to just go get pills or meth illegally. Im so fed up with my life in general I just want to walk away form it all. Im tempted to go to a bigger city hospital and get different treatment. I live in a really small country community. The nurse at the emergency room even told me that she is tired of seeing me in so much pain and getting treated as I am and told me to go to the city where I would get treatment. Good Lord, I never meant for this to be so long. I just need comfort from someone who understands and can give me good advice. Maybe I need to just quit feeling sorry and resentful and suck it up and do what they say no matter what. I dont know please, please, please help me.

Hi Gwen,

 

I think I posted to you on another thread. I feel really bad for you and it sounds like you are in a terrible situation. Its awful trying to deal with more than one illness at a time, I have first hand knowledge of this as I too have crohns. I see at one point you were in remission. What is that, I have battling it for 6 yrs w/o remission, then they added UC to the mix in 1996. I have a host of several other illnesses and they all seem to want to rear their ugly heads at one time for some reason.

 

You may very well end needing to go to a big city for proper care. Its really not unusual to have to find another dr if we are not getting the proper care we need. I can see both sides of the story with the addiction issues. Drs feel you are a liability, lets face it, its very difficult to get a dr to prescribe narcotics these days because of the DEA breathing down their necks. I don't know how much information you know about this problem. Its widespread across the country, its not limited to one area. But, you should not be punished either for being honest and you are to be commended for this. I have always said honesty is the best policy and I believe that. I urge you to continue to be honest about your medication and take it as directed. One thing you might do, now, this is strictly a shot in the dark, ok, but go to your pharmacy where you get your meds and get a printout of the medication. Take this to the drs so they can see you are being honest. Since you are getting it from both as you explained, who knows they may be thinking. They may be getting scared that you are going to try and double dip by getting it from both at the same time. Your print out from the drug store is your proof. Make an appt w/them and sit down and be very candid with them and explain you are doing your very best to be a compliant patient and you understand that they have a right to be somewhat leery-but the bottom line is you still deserve to be treated appropriately. Tell your dr you have no problem getting all your meds from one dr, that it makes it much easier for everyone. Just don't get mad, its not going to get you anywhere. Drs see people every day walking in trying to get narcotics, in many instances its drug seekers, and all that does is put a sour taste in the drs mouth and we the chronic pain patients in many instances are the one that catches the brunt of this problem, by being under treated by these drs.

 

Is there a large town close to you that does not involve driving long distance? A teaching hospital may be a good place to start. Have you thought about asking your dr to ref you to a pain mgt dr if there is one in your town? Pain mgt drs are much more well versed in treating chronic pain than our PCP's. They know and are more up to date on medications sometimes, they may use a combination of medications, its just some thoughts here.

 

You are one tough lady to have managed your addiction issues. Don not let chronic pain be the booger to knock you back into that life, you have come way too far to ever go back. Keep pushing forward. Its hard, very hard mananging a life with chronic pain and other health issues  popping out there right along with it. Perhaps the nurse at ER could give you some names of places in a bigger town that may have the drs on board that you need.

 

Keep posting and letting us know whats going on. We aare all here for you. Hugs....Susie

I want to thank everyone for the replies. I am feeling better today. Im thinking the new medicine is really playing with my moods. Im also noticing to be very shaky today. I also want to reassure everyone that I am not suicidal. ANd I did call my sponsor last night and again today.

I also am keeping a record of how I feel physically and mentally at different times during the day. I make notes on questions that I want to ask and for the replies made here and on my other thread.

Today, I am going to go to the local humane society and do a little community service an play with the puppies and kittens. I love that.

Gwen,
Please hang in there my friend. We are all here to try and help you get through whatever we have to. God Bless you and everytime you start feeling sorry for yourself, think of all of your friends you have here and please don't let us or yourself down. We love you my friend. 

Thank you so much for the support! Really, It means alot. Thank you.
On the upside:
I did go do some volunteer at the humane society. I played with the puppies and the kitty's for 2 hours today. It was a good outlet for my emotional well being. Im not as depressed or should I really say I felt so much dispair last night.

On the down side:
My mood is somewhat stabilized. Im not so down that Im in tears as last night but Im not my usual relaxed self. I still have absolutely no motivation to do anythingeither. Not even simple things like taking a shower(but I foce myself to do it anyway), taking care of the constant needs of my 4yo, doing simple house work(Im usually pretty obssessive, so Im told) but I just dont care what goes on around me. I dont much care when the kids go to bed or what they eat. As long as I dont have to do it or get up. That is so not right for me. I get up at 6am with the kids and am usually busy busy busy till bout 11pm. I dont usually take off my sneakers till 10pm. Now Im lucky if I brush my hair or teeth. Yuck. Its like I have to FORCE myself to do anything.

Also aside from the emotional side of things, the physical isnt to great either. Everyday that I take these medicines, I starting to feel more and more pain. Im taking the medicine as prescribed. After getting out today for the few hours I did, Im really hurting and these meds arent doing much.

But lets face it, Im an addict. I may have 3 years clean but that still doesnt stop the addict cravings. I want my percocet. I dont want to hurt. And after being an addict for several years, the tolerance level is so high that they cant touch the pain with small narcotics anymore. And when I require such high doses for my tiny frame(Im 5'7" and weigh 110lbs), they think Im crazy. Sad thing is I was taking at least 3 of the 10/325 percocets every 4 hours. Thats alot. But it took away my pain. I didnt take it for the high feeling either. After taking it for so long you dont get any effect except pain relief.

After 3 years the tolerence is somewhat lower but not for long. It goes right back to where I left off. My doctor had his license taken by DEA for giving me so much and for selling scripts to kids. When I started seing this doctor I had no idea that he didnt know what he was doing. I lived in a town of less than 600 people and he was the only doctor close for me to see on a regular basis. He had me on the perc and would be mad if I tried to ween off. Told me it was part of the treatment. So I trusted in him and became addicted. When he lost his license, I turned to getting anything I could to relieve the pain. My parent were both users of meth and had cooks in my family. So it was so easy to become addcted. Getting high with your parents? Yeah what a great way to teach huh? Well I cleaned up with the push of law enforcment and child services. Its been 3 years now.

Wow, I really ramble. Didnt mean to post my life history but was just putting down my thoughts. I thought it could explain some of the addiction issues. Its so complex when I have a multitude of health problems that dont respond to a single dang treatment. The use of opiates has been the only source of pain relief. That and meth. But I WILL NOT go there ever again. I love myself to much for that and my kids too, and my friends here. So I am really hopeful that I will find a doctor soon. The one Im to see this thursday, I dont hold much hope for. But who knows, he just may be a godsend that Ive prayed for. I guess Ill see how he treats me and if he is patient enough to listen to all my issues and concerns. I understand he is on a schedule too but dont herd me like cattle in 10 minutes. I dont want to moo out the door. I still think that Id like to start with a pain management that also specializes in addiction also. I have done alot of research on the benifits of this kind of doctor.

Ok I will step off my soap box now.

Oh no.....I quit seeing him years ago! I even moved from the area to a slightly larger area. But I still think I need to go to St. Louis to get real help at Barnes.

And I just posted on my other thread here on the reason for the lyrics and others. I have no nerve pain. Its all in my abdomen and middle back. I have crohns in small intestines and IBD and spastic colon an the ever constant kidney stones. So I dont know what they were thinking. I also posted on the other thread the bad side effects Ive been having since I starte all this.

But anyway thanks for taking the time to reply back to me. Its late and I will be around tomarrow too.

Gwen,

I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing woman! Yep...amazing and wonderful. By sharing your problems out in the open you are helping so many others that never join or post (lurkers) let alone the members on Healing Well. You are fighting a battle non of us can be sure we're win and you are succeeding...one day at a time. Keep it up and always feel free to email, if only to just chat.

Hugs,
Chutzie