Anger?

How many of us have to experience at least 5 times or so...serious anger/depression? When I'm depressed...I'm angry. Violently angry. I want to kill things and shred things and ruin things. 'Cause life's eventually going to ruin them for me. Mostly I'm angry at the stupid pain that never goes away. I know I'm supposed to get used to it...but it's frickin' debilitating. I can't stand to stand up...feels like a shoved a nail into my instep...and the pain slides right up my leg to my hip. Hands do it too. So when I grasp something to rise...it feels like I grabbed a nail in the palm...then right up my arm the pain goes. Not to mention what my upper back and upper hips feel like all the time.

I'm not anywhere as bad off as some of you and I'm angry as hell. Why do rheumatologists and GI's not realize how painful Crohns and now, fibromyalgia are? I get that the medical industry (yeah...it's a frickin' industry where money counts) is trying to keep from creating drug dependency. I do understand that. I watched my bipolar aunt go through awful drug addiction and she eventually died...an accidental overdose. She'd forgotten that she'd already taken those medicines and it killed her. When she recovered from her pain killer addiction. So, I fear the same situation. Yet...I could kill animals or...hell, dunno...bang my head against walls for the pain to stop.

I don't do ERs anymore. I go in...they pretend like I should know how to deal with it by now. I've learned how to deal with the Crohns pain. I get the backaches whenever I eat...from my shortened intestines moving or whatever. I don't understand how I'm going o learn how to live with this awful new illness. I know I gotta accept it and all that crap. But they could be wrong. They were wrong years ago when they checked me 3 times for Crohns and it wasn't that.

Still and all...I'm just so angry. It's like all I can feel, emotionally...when I'm not feeling somewhat despondent. I'm depressed...I know that. I don't want to go out. I don't want to be near people. I hate hearing my husband hug me and then ask if he hurt me when I groan. How do you all live like this? Constantly hurting...don't you all want to break things and make those idiot doctors see you? Don't you all take test after test and how do you survive them? I'm going to make an appointment this week to see my PCP and ask to be sent to a pain management clinic. The worse my stress is, the worse the pain seems to get. Yeah yeah...fibromyalgia. Still, when you're trying to find a home in about a month...your stress is raised through the roof. Plus bad credit from hospital bills we haven't managed to pay anything on, add in the amount of my medicine as it is, having to pay 63 bucks every time I see the PCP...and the stress isn't getting better. My bro wants me cleaning the house before he sells it. My husband wants me finding apartments...anything. We're going to go to the FAMILY and whathaveyou place. Tell them our situation, see if they can help. So...yeah...stress...pain...anger...at the system. Lots and lots and lots of anger...and stress...and my Crohns is acting up something awful now too. I think I'm losing weight and eating/drinking only Ensure and water and tea and gatorade can only infuriate me more.

How do you live like this? How am I going to learn to live with this? I'm angry and I've posted similarly on a different area...but this is what I'm asking.

Yeah...I know...gonna express myself plenty on the dr. appt. See what he thinks of it all. LOL...imagine he's gonna be a bit shocked. I'm on 200 mgs. Lyrica a day. It does its job. I can feel it take effect even...like a numbing sent down my nervous system. It also seems to make my Crohns act up...or its the anxiety/stress/blah blah whine of it all. LOL. I'm not digesting a lot of my meds though. I dunno. I'm going to ask to see a pain management clinic or some such...after I explain that the meds I'm on...aren't working...or at least aren't working enough. I had to call in to work on Saturday and that makes me so angry. Money lost cause I couldn't stand on my feet for longer then ten minutes.

Thanks for answering. I keep being told to take deep breathes and relax. I'll relax when we can go bankrupt and are living in our place. My husband understands. He never gets on my case. And I feel bad that I can't stand to do anything. Even sitting here hurts quite a bit. My butt area, my back, my thighs. I can sit cross-legged in a chair too since I'm really small. My mom gives me crap about being addicted to pain meds. What I wouldn't give for her to live a day inside my body. She'd never make it. She's been giving me crap about sleeping too much and what have you. Yeah, I know I'm prob. in a bit of a depression. I can work on a bunch of it myself. I've been to shrinks before. I know how to handle it. I'm not cutting and when I start getting suicidal thoughts, I distract myself and consider worse case scenarios. All the mental blocks I developed with a shrink before. Still, when actually typing was hurting...like I was hitting the keys and there were nails attached...hell. All I was was angry. Still angry. LOL, my last shrink said I had PTSD and that I never let myself deal with all the stuff I've been through. Drs...tests...people ignoring my pain...never listening...but when I lost too much weight they listened and suddenly I had fifty tests...all of which hurt.

I dunno. I was on prozac in the hospital (after I'd been in and out and had two surgeries in two months). It worked. Either that or all the phentanyl on patient prescribed pain button. But it did work. I'd take off the NG tube for an hour after taking the prozac...so it could get into my system. Meh...just angry at idiot drs and exorbitant fees.

Too true. Can't take cymbalta though. I've heard its like aspirin. Which Crohnies shouldn't take. I'm not doing anything to make them cut me open again for cryin' out loud. LOL...if I have a 5th surgery...I'm tradin' this body in for a new and improved model! LOL. That's my lil joke to folks. Plus...besides intestine...I figure they can only take a kidney. Or the rest of my reproductive system. And I'm not ready to part with any of that. LOL. The Crohns is mostly controlled. I get constant backaches almost immediately after I eat. I can understand a lot about diverticulitis. My aunt has it and a second aunt just got it (after cancer treatments for both of them). I'm of the opinion that chemo can cause digestive issues such as those for sure (aunts not related by blood but marriage with two different types of cancer). Meh...its sort of why I still smoke. I can sit there and forget that any of this has ever happened to me when I'm smoking a ciggie and reading a book. Pretend for ten minutes that I was like I was two years ago...in college with a loaded course schedule. I made it then through the worst stress (believe me...learning to catalogue in a library is complicated stuff) possible. I suppose there's the anger. I can't do anything I did two years ago except read.

Hi Joie1,

Welcome!!  I have to agree with PALady, please find someone that you can talk to about your thoughts and feelings.

It is a major life changing life sentence that all of us here face with Chronic Pain, the causes may not all be the same but the end results are pretty similar.

I know when I had to stop working 6 yrs. ago, the reality of my situation finally hit me.  For 6 months, I got up in the morning for a few hours and then the rest of the day was spent in bed.  I loved my job and although I worked in pain for 4 yrs before finally giving in and leaving, it gave me a purpose.  Finding myself at home in severe pain, dependent on my husband for my survival, unable to do simple household chores, no longer could I go to the grocery store without help etc........I was so angry, bitter and RESENTFUL.   Honestly, one day the lights came on and I said to myself, I can either live in pain and be miserable and alone (because I was driving everyone who loved me away) or I can be the best I can be and live life as best as I can!  I chose to move forward.  Was it easy HELL NO, but I took it second by second just like I do today.  So many times when I thought I couldn't go on I would see or meet someone who was in worse condition then me, it made me Thankful that I wasn't as bad as that person.  Do I cry and feel sorry for myself OF COURSE, some days are better then others, some days are worse but I am alive and I have family,friends and pets that I love and they are my purpose!

I have my wonderful HW family and they do understand and even if I don't post everyday, I read the posts everyday and there is always someones post that says some of what I am feeling.  The replies are given with love and empathy and that always helps me get through!

You said you can't do anything you did 2 yrs ago except read,  I love to read and it does help you escape reality for a while...so if you enjoy it then do it!! 

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

XXOO
Patti

 

 

    Dear Joie1,

 

      Good evening. It is nice to see you again. I did read all of your posts. *huggs*

 

     I saw a pain psychologist for a very long time. ~~>

 

".....One particular psychological treatment approach that has been found to be highly effective in helping patients to reduce pain, disability and distress is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT for pain management is tailored to the individual needs of the patient but may include:

• Relaxation Training
• Cognitive Restructuring
• Stress and Anger Management
• Sleep Hygiene
• Activity Pacing

In addition, pain management programs often include a behavioral goal setting componenet in which patients set weekly goals to work towards each week. ...."

(http://www.healthpsychology.net/Pain_Management.htm)

Behavioral modification—use of behavioral methods to optimize patient responses to back pain and painful stimuli. Cognitive therapy involves teaching the patient to alleviate back pain by means of relaxation techniques, coping techniques, and other methods. Biofeedback involves the gradual alteration of neuromuscular signals for symptomatic improvement.

(www.wikipedia.com)

~Biofeedback was very cool. I loved my pain psychologist. They just understand pain better IMHO. We had realistic goals and I cannot imagine who "me" would be, had I not gotten her help. ... if that makes any sense. I'm sorry if im , like posting something you dont want to talk about. If so just tell me! I felt a little... weird, when one was first mentioned to me. I hope you feel a little bit better by the time you read this and I am so sorry you are having to deal with so much.

*huggs*

dani

Thank you to everyone.

Appointment is set this Wednesday. Filled my script for pain meds and either my doctor changed the dose without alerting me or yet again, the pharmacy messed up. They did mess up once before...they changed 3 a day to 2 a day. I called my doctor's office and they called the pharmacy. Today, it read 1 a day. Fun fun. I get to call first thing tomorrow and wait all day for a reply back on the answer or I can just go in on Wednesday and show him the script (I don't like taking pain medication out of the house). Meanwhile, I'm wondering...if he did change it, does he not understand? Which I don't think is the real honest truth. This guy's known me since I was a young kid, and helps most of my aunts/uncles here where I live.

Now, off that. Thanks for all the advise. I'm not sure how the insurance will cover the pain management clinic or a psychologist/psychiatrist who deals with regular issues or pain issues. I've got a pretty amazing handle on my body and how I can sense things actually. I've had shrinks before. When I was cutting...I was seeing a shrink about three years ago or so...and it was maybe two years after spending a summer in two hospitals, enduring 3 "major" surgeries and a lot of the shrink work then covered flashbacks of painful procedures and the demoralizing and...dehumanizing moments of being in a hospital. The cutting...I wasn't on any antidepressants and was trying to deal with all the well...horrifying stuff any type of hospital stay can cause. I'm not what a person would call "sensitive" in general.

I'm a pretty harsh person actually...at least I am when it comes to situations where people can change things. I'm a big believer in changing bad situations if you're in one. I suppose that's what makes me so angry. I'm also a believer in karma/fate...whathaveyou. That what you put into the world/universe will come back to you. So, in a sense, I feel as though I'm being punished and yet, I don't quite understand what truly evil things I've done to deserve this. I thought having Crohns was payment enough for whatever I've done wrong in my life...maybe a challenge to live a different life. Add in what I owe in monetary terms, then losing my ability to bear children (yes, technically if I had 20K I could IVF but honestly, don't think its gonna happen), and plenty of other awful things I've endured...I thought okay, karmic/fate price is settled. It just feels like I'm losing my dreams day by day and the only one that I actually got was in my husband. I got my soulmate but I can't bear him children, put him in debt, and now I'm losing my looks. Poor guy. :-P I never dreamt of much. Always wanted a job I could "stand" or at least suffer through positively, have the love of my life, own a car, own a home, and the biggest of the dreams was a houseful of children. Children I could raise to look at the world similarly to the way I always saw it and try to work toward making a better world by being truly good people. I never had bigger aspirations. Sure sure, college, whatever. Even then, all I got was a good for nothing 2 year associates degree (and I got that later then I should've).

I see in my future; bankruptcy...my credit's at 520, my husbands' at 515. How are we going to ever buy a car? I always wanted a brand new car...every car I've ever had wasn't actually "mine" and was given to me "used" after several family members and strangers had broken it into something that worked "enough". I have this degree and it doesn't matter since all I got as a job was a substitute for the salaried employees (which drives me nuts since I know more of the technical aspects then they usually do). I wonder how I'll ever EVER get an apartment since most places where I live need at least credit of 650...so how can I even consider a home. Adoption'd be nice but I think most agencies have issues with anyone whose suffered depression and now with this...this...fibromyalgia...the possibility that I couldn't pick a child up if I was having a flare...might and should count against me. Whatever happened to the ideal of being a good person and having good come back to you? I've been in debt since I was 17...it carried over three months to when I was an adult for hospital bills that should've been covered by my parents' insurances. Lately, its like I pay off one, and five show up that need immediate payment. All the subs at my work are being knocked back to 40 hours a MONTH. I haven't considered other work or a second part time job because I physically...honestly...know I couldn't do it. I put in for a job outside what I went to college for and they haven't gotten back to me. It'd be a gift from the gods/fate/whatever but I'm scared of even that since its a fulltime position.

After my dr. appt on Wed., we're planning on going to the family and social services to see what we can do. Neither myself or my husband are big on getting government aid since we both know there are many people out there who probably need it more then we do and we don't want to use money that could starve others. At the same time, I honestly want to quit working and spend time dealing with this new disease and the resulting depression and whatever that's going to come with it. Still and all, I can keep working and deal with it. Plus, our government system wouldn't have much aid for me...I've only had four documented jobs, two were temporary/seasonal work. My SSI letters even tell me I couldn't qualify LOL. I've never worked full-time since when I wasn't sick and/or recovering, I was in college and interning (unpaid of course).

So yeah...I know I've got issues...and dealing with them is hard. I spend time outside even in the heat of this summer and try to find beauty in things even though in about a month I won't have this view anymore (as I said, we're about to be homeless). I want to be out there living with my husband and dependent on no one and nothing. Paying our bills, out of debt, just being contributing members of society...and I honestly don't know how I'm going to keep working. I've always worked through the pay at any job and I called in on Saturday. I couldn't stand to actually stand for longer then four minutes. Pain in my feet. Been destressing the past few days and trying to keep that going but the pain hasn't relented. Had half a nervous breakdown yesterday where I cried for hours. Yeah...guilt at putting my husband through this...he's a truly wonderful person and should have children. Kids literally flock to the guy. He deserves better then this. We're relatively young at 28. We've been together for 9 years and so far...we've only lived a year on our own where we didn't have to sponge off our relatives...and I HATE that. Ahhh...well...I'm grouching now. Going to make a list for the doctor's visit...and stop b****ing and get on with things.

Still and all, thank you for the suggestions. I've been on prozac before and might consider it. I've got to be careful of certain anti-depressants that would work for both the anger/depression and the pain of the fibro since I've also got Crohns. A lot of those suckers screw with the bleeding issues of a Crohnie. Plus, of course facing all the change-ups of medications til its just right. Just never again tramadol. yeeesh...stuff kept me in the bathroom most of the day with D and V and of course wonderful migraines. Yipppeee. Man...I miss the days of taking a couple aspirin when my head hurt...can't really do that now so I have to do tons of other stuff for the constant headaches I've got going down. Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. I'm sending them all right back to you all here as well.

Joie,
I know I don't post a lot and haven't ever posted to you directly. I totally understand and agree. My own credit scores are in the toilet for the same reasons. And I'm in a firm believer in taking actions to improve my situation. If I don't take an active step in changing a bad situation, then I don't feel that I'm entitled to gripe about it. I'm a put up or shut up kind of person.

Since the advent of online payments and decentralization of most "big businesses" people don't pay in cash for things anymore, and with all the postal thefts people don't want to send money or checks through the mail either. Your quote below made me realize something....
"I'm also a believer in karma/fate...whathaveyou. That what you put into the world/universe will come back to you. So, in a sense, I feel as though I'm being punished and yet, I don't quite understand what truly evil things I've done to deserve this."

It's not that you've done anything evil or bad. It's that just you're refilling or replenishing a pre-paid Karma card.

Hopefully that brought you a grin - or at least a smirk.