Helpful ideas on slowing down, anyone?

Hi all....

Does this sound like anyone else's life??? Up in the morning and there's isn't much planned so I can finally get a few things done. Tidy up the house a bit, get the dishwasher running and pop in a load of clothes. That's maybe an hour or so. I have it all planned out...even had a weekly work sheet printed up. Make a cup of coffee...the phone rings. Need to help one of the kids or grandkids with information, arrange a ride for someone or just listen to daughter complain for as long as I can stand it...then make up some excuse to get off the phone. OK, there went my hour or so. Oops, forgot to make the bed, forgot some of my morning medications, need to get a letter out to the mail box. Another hour is gone. Pain level is rising rapidly so have to sit for a bit and fall asleep in my chair for a half hour. Jeez...it's noon already and nothing done! grrrr

Best have some lunch and I swear I'm going to leave any other clutter so I can get some of the quilting done. Those babies will be in kindergarten before they get their baby blankets...lol There goes the phone again! Littlest grandson wants to come and stay at grandma's house. I can barely take care of myself yet I usually say yes. (I know, I'm such a sucker but I love to see him) Best get something from the freezer for supper. Get online and check in with the forums and keep up on email. Need to write to a few people. Rats! 2:30 and I forgot to take out the meat to thaw for supper. Oldest grandson needs to get off to college classes, pack some food and get him out the door.

OK, peace...finally! 4:00 so I have 2 hours before hubby gets home, the best time of the day. So, time for me!! and my sewing machine. Just sit down and in walks my daughter and granddaughter. She lives next door and I guess she wasn't done complaining about the world on the phone so she hikes up to keep on her 'rant of the day.' So much for sewing. At least I hope I get some dinner ready on time.

OK, it's 7 pm, everyone is fed. I'm not sure how I'm the one who gets all of the meal chores. Anyone have an idea what it's like for someone ELSE to cook, serve you and then clean up?? All you have to do is sit down, eat and hit your easy chair.

Now I actually turn on the light on my sewing machine. Wasn't it about 10-12 hours ago I tried this? Hubby is either in front of a hockey game or in his office with his 4 computers so I barely see him. By 9 he's in bed and I'm posting and doing the last of my chores online. I have my computer in our bedroom right now so I do get to see the back of his head as he's snoozing away. OK, I can sew for a while but if I stay up too late it knocks me down the next day. I best get to bed. Wait from grandson to get home from night classes, wipe down the kitchen, check the doors, stoke the woodstove, turn off all the lights, check on cat. (I thought putting the house to bed was the man's job??? I'm doing something wrong here. My dad always did that one.)

Get ready for bed and finally get there about 11 so I'm gonna get some reading time in, at least! Can't keep my eyes open because of the darn med's. Darn!!! Forgot my night dose of insulin. Back out of bed....you see what's happening here??? Every day I swear I will break past this problem. I went to far as to spend my entire spring and most of summer deep cleaning the house partly to avoid some of this extra work but it's no help. If I clear a spot on the counter or eating bar it's like a neon sign for others to immediately cover it up with their jumk that needs to be put away and not just dropped in the kitchen!

Arrrggggggg All I'm doing is complaining and I do appologize but I have been trying for ages to get out of this mess and I just can't succeed. When I was able to work it wasn't this bad. I ask the guys for help and I get a resounding 'sure' but when they are needed they're no where to be found. The excuse...well, what do you want me to do? GEEZZZZZ, we went over it all only yesterday!

How do I get some time for me? Time to rest? I'm on my feet going non-stop all day and have nothing to show for it. I love cooking for and taking care of hubby...and spoiling him. I can hear all of the things I 'should do' but just can't seem to do them or get them to work. I have considered going on strike but that's not really the problem. I think the problem is mostly ME! I allow it and somehow I have to change that. So many of us are perfectionists and I can't sit still unless everything is picked up and in it's proper place and that's not going to happen right now. We have an addition project that is way over due to be completed. In the mean time I have piles of stuff everywhere! My pain level is out of sight!

Is there any hope for me???
Exhausted Chutzie

Thanks CCC and Joy...you hit on what are probably the biggest problems as I read through this.

First I have to commend you and anyone else who actually reads thru the missive I wrote. I look at it now and just shake my head...lol But Joy, you are right, I spoil everyone. And don't "stick to my guns" at all. Hubby works hard and has to drive over an hour each way to work so I feel bad asking him to help...yet when I do ask he's happy to. I'm one of those silly people who hates to ask and ask and ask when it is obvious. Grandson does clean his bathroom...now and then. I refuse to. But, like hubby, any time I ask him to do something he's happy to do it...around the house that is.

I am going to have to change my thinking and attitude. I've been this way most of my life and am probably getting worse. Deep down I do have some guilt feelings because I can't work any more so I should be able to do all of the things around here...right? Wrong! But somehow I can't get my head around it. You've give me some great advice to think about. Thank you so very much!

Warm hugs,
Chutzie

Chutzie, The joy of family. I am not a very good one to give advise on slowing down so I will leave that to more qualified individuals. Take care of yourself, there is only one of you.

 

   Dear Chutz,

 

     Good morning! *warm huggs* How are you doing today? We are good here. The girls are making "templates?".. schematics? Of how they want their rooms done since its Winter Clean time here. I am enjoying the company *huggs* with a  warm cup of coffee. Today is my sleep in day, and I never understand why I cannot seem to sleep in much past 9:30. Maybe its the cold toes and giggles that hop into bed with me!

 

     I was giggling inside when I read your post, you know it could have been me writing it! I am so glad I am not the only one who feels complete by loving others! My husband, his family and friends just don't get it! I mean, do they not realize that it is the love that is put into the home that makes them all want to be here? I hear all the time "just relax" and "you do too much" but really... I look about and truly feel I do not do enough!

 

     When I first went to the pain psychologist, she asked about a hundred questions... by the the third visit I felt "attacked" somehow, because so many were plucking apart my behaviours!!! In the end I am glad I listened and tried to change my habits. But gosh it was hard. I think what helped the most, was my husband understanding that one of my emotional needs is to have a clean home, but he is stubborn and that part took a while for him to understand. In any case, here are some of the changes...

 

     3 "times" of "me" time per day :  No phone. No requests. Only things that *I* want and that will only benefit me. (this part took a while, but, when I was told that "me" time would also benefit those I love, well... )

 

     8:30am-9:30am ~Computer / morning coffee (sleep-in day 1st hour available)

     1:30pm-2:30pm~ Nap or Biofeed back

     8:45pm - 10:30pm~ Computer / social time (unless its thursday "HW Chat" night) / Jewlery

 

     "sleep-in" atleast 1 time per week. (kidds eat cereal that day)

 

     1/2 or 1 "day off" per week : My husband and children must do ATLEAST minimum house hold duties. Dishes, Order out for supper (my husband has to do "take out" for his once a week meal becuase it took a really long time for his hair to grow back after the last fire in kitchen), basic clean (putting what they see in the right bins). Nothing spectacular, just basics. No laundry, they tried last time my towels turned blue and green.

 

     Game Night~ (no phones) Wednesday is game night as it is a half day for the girls. But I make easy supper ahead of time or something simple.

 

     "project shelf & bins" all labeled. Tools. mail. completed school work. art supplies. electronic stuff. games. Etc. and then on saturday (sometiems wednesday too) I hand everyone a bin, they must put what is in their bin, away where it belongs.

 

       I also have labeled units on shelves too, where it is all put away in its area or shelving unit. "activity chest" has mini bins for pencils, markers, glue, scissors,etc.. The "game unit" has areas for puzzles, cards, outside games, adult games and childrens games. It sounds simple, but getting the shelves labeled and organized etc, everyone used to the system took a while... few months to create the areas and few months for everyone to get used to the system.  Another good one, is making everyone track their own dirty laundry. If it doesnt make from their room bins ~> laundry room bins, it doesnt get washed.

 

      I have "rules" or "goals" I had to try to achieve too that were really hard to follow at first. Only do bed linens 2x per week. Only vacume every other day (that one is hard to follow). Mop everyother day (sweep constantly thou, we live in desert). Bathrooms every other day. Was supposed to do laundry the same, but I cannot seem to achieve it. My motto! "Load a day keeps the overwhelmed monster away". Dust every other day, etc. Anything that could be done every other day instead of daily. Somethings went from weekly to monthly like base boards, outside windows, pantry, etc. I prepare the entire weeks lunches on sunday. Try to prepare wednesday night meal and freeze, if possible.

 

      One thing that I didnt expect is that they all had an area they didnt want touched. Turned out to be their desks... drives me crazy. I try not to touch those areas but 1 a week..aside from dusting...maybe just a lil straightning.

 

       So that how I keep the henson household running smoothly. I dont have any good ideas for remembering medicine thou. I always forget my morning dose, and always have to hop out of bed to take evening dose. I hope that part gets easier to remember, I am still kinda new to taking medicine. I know it seems like I have alot of "me" time.. I wake at 6:30am and close my day at 8:45pm. So it "evens out" somehow.

 

        It was really nioce to chat with you, but I have eaten up my morning hour and then some! It must be the good company *huggs* Hope you have a nice day today *warmest huggs*

 

*huggs*

   dani

 

My Dear Chutzie,
I promise to come back and read through your entire post and this thread. But I want to do it when my mind and body are a bit more refreshed.

I drastically overdid it yesterday. And I truly want to give your post the attention it deserves!

Hugs,

PaLady

Chutz,

I can so relate to your post....I continue to overdo, its just my nature or should I say its woman in general!

I have found it very difficult to ask for help, in the past having to ask someone to help me is admitting failure in my world.  The other reason I found was that when I did ask for help, I needed it at that moment not 10 or 15 minutes from when I asked.  If I had to wait for my husband to reach high in a cabinet for a bowl and he couldn't get it then, it would hold up cooking and become very annoying for me.  So I did it myself because when I need it I want it and need it right then!

What I did do with the help of my daughters is rearrange my cabinets, I got rid of stuff I haven't used in a year and moved everything I DO use on a daily basis to the front of the lower cabinets.

Reaching and bending are an issue for me..... I FINALLY had a family chat (4 months ago) and explained to my husband the area's of my frustration in detail.  When I took the time to explain he understood and actually has started cooking on some nights, he mops and vacuums for me.  He is much more willing simply because I verbalized and most times now I don't have to ask he just does it! 

My kids have their own houses now but still stop by for dinner and expect me to cook Holidays!  Again, I set boundaries...this year things are going to be different I am cooking the Turkey for Thanksgiving and as hard as it was I have asked everyone to bring a dish.  Everyone seemed happy to accomodate! 

What I'm saying is tell your family what would help you and I bet they will be happy to oblige.  My second guess is they have no idea how you are feeling.

It was really hard to start the conversation but once I got started it all came out easily!

You can do it Chutz!!

XXOO
Patti

 

Chutzie

I understand when you say that you hate to ask your family members to do things, that they should know that the things need to be done! But obviously  they don't! and it might not be because they don't care, or anything like that! But maybe they see things differently, and put different priorities on those things, than what you do! But you should not feel any guilt, about asking for help! Isn't it the reason you can't work, is because of your pain and everything? Well if you can not work at your job because of that, what makes you  think, that you can do everything at home? Isn't that also work? Just because the tasks are at home, and your not getting paid to do them, like you do when your job is  somewhere else where you do get paid, does not mean it is not work! Anyway if you can not work at one why would you think you could do the other? That is what you need to not only get through to yourself! But also make your family aware of it! I am sure once they realize that you can not do all the things at home, they will be racing to be first in line to be be helping you! Heck I only know you from this forum and I want to be helping you all I can!!!!, I am sure your family who really knows you well will be more eager than I could ever dream of being to help you! I am sure they just need to know how bad you need the help! And don't under or is it over estimate yourself, You do NEED the HELP! Your family needs you! and we need you! But we need you to be Whole and as Healthy as possible, and you can not possibly be that way  if you end up doing everything all the time for everyone else!  I know! I know! I do things that I shouldn't do too! But I am getting better at that!  Please let your family  know, that you need their help! So they can have the joy of helping you, and knowing that they are doing their part!!. I am sure that, that is important for them, as I am sure they want to be as much help to you as they can be! So Please let them!

Chutzie I am really glad you made this Thread! I am sure everyone else is to! You are always there for all of us! Always helping us! It is such an honor to be able to, at least in some small way, be able to, be of some kind of assistance, or help and be able to provide some kind of support to you! You do know, I am always here for you, We, all, are always here for YOU!

I Wish you Well my Friend!

White Beard

Never mind, I get the flow of the wording now.

(Wish we could edit the messages like before, to edit/add/delete)

My biggest challenge is falling asleep. I'll try to sit down to take a break or read my book and next thing I know I'm falling asleep. I don't like to take naps cause I tend to over sleep and then when bedtime comes I'm not tired. My husband works days so we get up at 5am and go to bed around 9pm. If I get on a different sleep schedule it interrupts his sleep.

I just want to climb through this computer and give you a really big REAL time HUG!!!!!!

about 7 or 8 months ago I posted something so similar to what you did.  Wow it brought goose bumps to mind.  I believe Whitebeard and PAlady were the one who brought alot of issues to light for me.

I also felt like I had to do everything.  I cooked cleaned and spoiled three teenagers and a husband who works 60 to 70 hours who also deals with CP.  I have always been the one to set the table, act as the waitress and cleanup crew.  But I did it with love 100%.  I had the same feeling of GUILT!  I was the problem!!!  My days were like yours even the daughter complaining on my part was my father.  My oldest son causes insane issues in the house.  I had STRESS and Chores to do.  I took everything on my shoulders and it did feel like the weight of the world!

Ok what I learned.  1. Its was me causing this 2. I was acually being selfish 3. I'm not mother teresa!

Now its months and months later.  I cook only when I want to which is still most the time but my husband will jump right in if I look to be tired or hurting.  I do NO chores.  Well I do clean the livingroom impulsivly and make my bed.  The kids have taken over the chores.

But I still haven't found time to turn my sewing machine on to even start a QUILT.  Oh man I love to quilt!  I will watch your thread so I can maybe find sometime for myself we can journey together.

To get to where we are now was a HUGE serious family meeting.  I explained to everyone I would have a hardtime letting anyone else do anything but that caused them to ask me Can I do this MOM?  I now get asked how I feel and where the pain level is.  I made it clear to them that It was my fault because I loved them so much.  Thats all it took for me.  I even had my father in this meeting and he just ignored me but in the end I sent him on his way.  He no longer lives with me.

I hope you find some answers that your are looking for....

Laurie

Chutzie,
Your hubby has been in my "plus" column until now! Forgetting your anniversary? Big no-no! He has how many computers??? Do any of them have a calendar and reminder system?

Ok, point made. Sort of. I'm so sorry for you - with all you do. Many, many mea culpas are in order from him. Didn't you say you wanted him to pay for several spa days for you? I swear I heard you say that!

I also saw some kind of dog training show on animal planet and the couple hired the trainer to teach the dog to drag out the garbage bag on garbage collection morning because (ahem) for some reason her husband could no longer do it due to his long work hours - working out of their home!!! So hubby could also pay for a dog trainer - maybe to train him?

Hugs,

PaLady

It makes you tired reading Chutz's day for sure. Its just my husband and I at home but omg the messes that man can make and it drives me nuts. He is real bad about making his messes and walking off leaving me to clean up. I have been tempted to go out and turn his garage upside down and walking off to show him what its like to have to clean up after someone.

My day starts w/cup of coffee on the backporch, in between scooper pooping daily mission, two dogs can make a mess and I cannot handle it in my yard,lol. I then take care of cleaning the pool, if the yard needs mowing I get that done. I do all of the mwoing, edging and weedeating in the very early hours due to the heat. I am in the house by 10:00 am.

My indoor work is not on a schedule, its on as needed basis. I do run the sweeper daily because I have 2 indoor dogs. Mopping is done on a weekly basis, same with lemon oiling all of the furniture.

I designate one day or 2 days for cleaning the downstairs. I do laundry in the evening while he watches tv. I do not care for tv so I generally will work in the house. I try to to do laundry a load a day.

I also babysit my grandson when I am needed. That job I love but that job wears me out more than anything,lol.

Chutzie you might want to invoke the "no eating in the bedroom rule". My kids were not allowed to eat in their rooms. I wouldn't put up with finding food & dishes in their bedrooms, sent me off the edge,lol.

If the kids come to dinner they get to load the dishwasher and clean up. Its not allowed for the daughter or daughter-in-law to sit on their cans and watch me do all the work. When I am their guest I clean up their kitchen.

I think most of us hate asking anyone to for help, I know I do. Someone mentioned when you need help, you normally need it now, not next month.