Hi Whitestone and I too want to welcome you to Healing Well's chronic pain forum. I am very glad that you found us and I hope you will decide to hang out with us. This has got to be one of the most compassionate groups of people I think a person could ever ask for. I have never been one for joining forums let alone post on one, but when I found this place I knew it was home for me. HW became my safety net in so many ways. Suddenly, I was not alone anymore and I didn't have to hide my feelings when I came here, that is why I call it my safety net.
Wow, what a story you have to tell. Like everyone else here at the forum we all do have a story to tell. It can be pretty incredible some of the things I hear of what people have gone through or are still going through. We really do learn a lot from each other experiences. Life sure can throw some wicked curves at us for whatever reason.
Someone was speaking of making peace with ourselves and that is very true. It took me a long time, along with some professional help to get started on that road. Many times we have so many losses to deal with, jobs, self worth, identity, that is just a tip off the iceberg, it feels sometimes like our world has been taken from us. We actually do grieve for each and every loss that we feel we have sustained. I found out that all the feelings and thoughts I had were part of a normal process that I never knew existed. For me making peace with things is an every day occurrence because of the impact CP and illness has made on my life. I felt like it ruined my life and and it did. Sickness and illness took that life from me. Now, I have a new life that I am rebuilding and it is a very hard thing to do. Do I like it, no, I am constantly having to compromise, it is almost like I have to barter for every thing I do and I don't like that. I want my old life back and the old me back, but there again comes the grieving process. But, I am determined somehow to just keep on rebuilding one day at a time. Where I managed to be up to when I became ill was not built in one day, it was one throughout a lifetime, this new life will be built the same way.
I do hope that somehow you can find some sort of pain relief that will give you some quality life. That is one thing we are all entitled to and should not have to beg for either. Keep us posted on how you are coming along and take care.