snow days=no medicine

Cat8201:

I agree with PAlady. I am concerned too. I also don't want you to think we are judging you at all. We just want to help. I feel so bad that you haven't been sleeping. I know how awful that is. Can you tell your doctor about it again, or maybe get another appointment if this continues?

I really don't think it's right that your husband wants to control your medication. I think that it is very important to have control of your medication and to be able to take it when you need it. Why suffer needlessly??? You do not deserve to be treated this way. No one does! It really upsets me because I don't believe that things like this just go away on their own.

It's nice that you spent time with him to connect with him.

Even if his bark is worse than his bite, you never know when the yelling and throwing things will (God forbid) escalate as they often do. Does he already have an appointment to get counseling? If you already wrote that he does and I missed it, then I'm sorry.

I hope that he gets the help that he needs, for his sake and for your sake because no one should ever be treated this way. In my opinion, he needs to learn how to control his anger.

Obviously :) , I am not a doctor or a professional and all of this is just my opinion...

Hugs,

Flower

PA lady and others, thank you so much for your concern. my last post was made at 3:33 a.m. and from my phone. my phone started freezing up in the end, so when i just re-read the post it made no sense.


i am ok. my husband and i went to the movies and to red lobster for valentine's day, but we celebrated on saturday instead of sunday. my husband's grandad has been sick. right now, we do not wish for him to stay his home alone, so i volunteered to stay the night with my husband at his grandad's. so my husband, my son, and i went over to his home after we finished eating. it was so very nice and warm inside grandad's home. he has a wood burning stove, so i didn't even think of getting cold. then, to top things off, there was an electric blanket on the bed (grandma died just a few months ago and it was in her bed which was really sad). i've never used an electric blanket before and to be honest i didn't think i could use one because since i had my hysterectomy i get really really hot at night. well, this was made out of a thin, but warm, sweat wicking material and the heat from that blanket made me feel better the next day than i had felt in quite a while. my legs did not hurt.



ok, so to back up a little, my husband and i were happier that day than we had been in a very very long time. we've been together for 8 years this time. but he was my first boyfriend back in high school. however, this time we have been together since i was barely 20 and i'll be 28 in may. i agreed, and my husband was aware, that i would not talk about my many health concerns over dinner. i did joke about some things that my doctor had made comment on, and joked about a new sign, and told my husband the story of an apparent "jerry springer's guests" appearance in the dr's office. the staff was talking about a lady's spouse that behaved so badly he was asked not to return to the office since he was not the patient (can you imagine how incredibly embarrasing that would be). so aside from that and complaining briefly about metlife's FMLA policy (they expect my dr to write them a letter stating that my husband must care for me 24/7)...but aside from that, the conversation was light.



i've been referred to often, since my early teenage years, as the "beautiful girl without a smile". i rarely smiled when i was younger, and i "forget" to smile now. i try to smile as often as i can with my son, but i have to remind myself. (when i was a child and early teenager, i suffered horrendous emotional abuse from my step father, so bad in fact, that i tried to kill myself with an eating disorder ---it was bad enought that the hospital told my mom to make funeral arrangements, and i only weighed about 60 lbs at 5'2"). anyways, even my husband can't help but smile when i am sitting and just smiling, (he usually asks me why i have a goofy look on my face lol), but i made it a point to smile while we were at dinner. we fed each other, giggled, kept the conversation light and enjoyed our visit with one another.



after dinner we went to the movies to watch "valentine's day". this was the best part. we have never NEVER gone to the movies together. he always wants to take our son. he has always declined in going when i wanted to go alone. so i took full advantage. i laid my head on hi s shoulder and almost feel asleep he carressed my hair and kept one hand on my knee, then held my hand. i also kept one let or foot over his other leg. so there we were, a grown married couple, cuddled up in the theatre like a couple of teenagers. it was heavenly.



needless to say we were both smiling and much more light hearted for the remainder of the weekend. and believe me i took advantage and stole as many kisses as i could get away with.



he was overjoyed with the fact that i was willing to go stay with him at his ill grandad's and i was overjoyed with him that he had given me attention. the next day he brought me to my mom's so i could spend sunday night into president's day with my mom and my bothers) my mom adopted two boys a year ago from foster care. they are 8 and 13 and i spend as much time with them as i can)my adopted brothers are here and my baby brother -who is not the baby anymore. because he brought me early on sunday i was able to see my angel baby niece, skylar. she is literally the most beautiful baby and child i have ever seen. i say this as a biased mother and proud aunt of 11 nieces and nephews. so, i was able to see my baby girl for most of the day sunday.
ok, well, my mom upset me terribly sunday. and i was upset and crying and i never say or do anything to disrespect my mother (intentionally). i even said to her "i have to get enough of this at home, i can't take it". as i cried and went to my brother''s (used to be mine) room.



well my mother came in to talk to me. she knows the stories of him throwing things, but she didn't know in explicit detail, and she didn't know a couple of other details, including the one that states that he stomped on my phone with his muck boots in january in attempts to destroy my phone because he was drunk, and i told him i was texting his friend -who was there- so his friend would have my number as my husband never answer's his phone-and he thought i was doing something "innappropriate" with my phone. so he tried to destroy it. and she didn't know the detail that he walked away 3 times while throwing things this last time, that he put his hands up to my throat as if to strangle me but didn't and that he kept hitting the bed beside me and then holding his hand as if he were going to backhand me before throwing something. she did not know that he literally walked away out of the room to do this. she also did not know that the argument started as a discussion between my son and i about whether or not he scored 6 points in a game last year. well my husband started yelliing at my son at the top of his lungs telling him that he needs to stop lying and trying to get him to admit that he knew he was lying. finally i said, he did scre 6 pts at a game last year. so then it was on between us. he said that he never missed a game last year that i was the lazy b**** who didn't go to game because i would rather get high. i reminded him that he missed 3 games last year because he had to work and i missed 3 games also. then, he decided to tell me that i was sobering up off of my pills so i thought i could argue and that i was still wrong because our son never scored 6 shots (12 points) at a game last year. i said no he didn't score 6 shots he scored 6 points. he said "see you dumb a** b**** if you would mind your own business you wouldn't look ignorant and b****. We were talking about scoring 6 SHOTS and not 6 points!!!!". i said no, our son was talking about points and not shots. then i said "why don't you just admit that you are wrong and he preceded to start telling me all about how i'm such a pill head and i have such a pill head and blah blah blah. i asked him why he decided he needed to persecute me when the argument was simply a misunderstanding and that our son had scored 3 shots, or 6 points at a game. then he starts calling me more names and yelling at the top of his lungs. now my son is in the living room, and my husband is standing in the hall yealling at me in the bathroom. i said "(son)did you say you scored 6 points or 6 shots?" he said "points mom, dad she's right this time". so i said see just admit that you are wrong and he is screaming at me some crap about pills and memory and i yelled back at him through gritted teeth "JUST ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG AND GO ON WITH IT, THIS IS STUPID". so then he comes charging at me like he is going to knock me out and says how dare i get our son involved in an adult conversation when he knows he's in trouble.



i tell you , i know this isa long post but THIS JUST MAKES MY BLOOD ABSOLUTELY BOIL EVERYTIME I TALK about IT.
so now my mom knows all of this and she knows something else that was a big eye opener for her.
we were sitting at the kitchen table talking about all of this this morning after she found me sitting indian style in the living room rocking back and forth (i've been sleep walking). she was telling me that i needed to wait until my disability comes through then i need to leave. i said that by that time i would probably just be over it as it will be a minimum of 6 months and could be several years.


well we talked and then i revealed the straw that broke the camel's back-which i had forgotten myself
PLEASE READ, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ANY OF THE POSTS INVOLVING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND



so that's it..in a nut shell...now i'm terrified and i need all the support i can get!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catz...Please reread the forum rules.
This is a support forum for people suffering from chronic pain. We are not here to help with your marriage problems. That is something you need to see a counselor about. This forum is very expensive to keep running and extremely lengthy posts use a lot of valuable resources. I'm sure there are forums that can help with your personal situation.

Also, talk of suicide is not appropriate on this site as it's a family friendly site. You need help from a doctor or therapist and that's now what we are here for. We do encourage you to call for help, either your family doctor or call a suicide help line.

1-800-SUICIDE

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.suicide.org/

Post Edited By Moderator (Chutz) : 2/16/2010 3:31:48 PM (GMT-7)

Cat8201,
I think it may be beyond the scope of any forum to address all the issues you mention, but one thing we can do is continue to support you while you get some professional help. And please, PLEASE do - and soon.

The forum rules don't permit some discussions of suicide but I do want to make sure you have the hotline number
1-800-SUICIDE
And PLEASE use it! They can help you find professional resources in your area. Some areas have a local crisis hotline, and that may be in your phone book, but you need to get a therapist for yourself ASAP. I don't want to see anything happen to you - and you need to worry about you before the marriage.

Are you getting help today? Please do - and let us know you've called some resources and set up an appointment. But call the hotline if you're having any ideation again - that's the slippery slope to action, and no one wants to see that. And if you think it will help your family let me tell you 30 years of professional experience would strongly differ with you. It devastates those left behind, and I don't think you want that.

So make that call now if you haven't already, ok?

Take care,
PaLady

Hi Cat,

I just wanted to post some resources for you incase you need...

U.S. Helplines

National Suicide Hotline

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.


NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

I am sorry that you are feeling this extent of your husband's treatment.  I highly recommend that you start seeing a counselor as you could use some extra support and some help of sorting things out in your life.

I feel bad that you felt that you had to lie to your husband about whether or not you took a pain pill when you needed it.  You shouldn't have to lie.  You should be able to be totally honest and he should respect that.  I hope that you can work this out.  At first it sounded like things were getting better, but now it sounds like you feel worse.  And all this stress is going to make you have more pain.  So please try to relax.  Take life one day at a time, and live in the moment.  Try not to think about the past things that he has done unless it is in a constructive way. 

If you are in pain, you need your medications, as long as you are taking them as prescribed, then you should be able to handle them.  If you are taking them in excess, talk to your doctor about getting a medication adjustment.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen

o chutz, i so wish i would have read your post yesterday morning. i came home yesterday. he has admitted fully that is he just as much has fault in this relationship. he apologized for blaming everything on my meds and for not taking the suicide conversation seriously.

i hope to not be repeating the same story every week. lol, and i def won't do it here because this is precious costly space that needs to be used to help with other health problems.

so here is an update. i'm going to a psychiatrist at 3 pm today. my husband would not give up on me (as far as asking me to call) until i got an appointmnt.

so i'm sure you all want to know or are at least curious as to what made me come back. well, i've NEVER done this before. never. my husband called me hysterical saying that i couldn't take his son, and he was going to go crazy and that he couldn't live without his son. i said, you have not mentiond me at all and if we are not happy then he can not be happy. so we talked and talked, and argued and hung up and re-called. and he toldthat he was hurt because he thought we were finally getting better on saturday because we were laughing and loving, and then i decided to leave. well, to make a long drawn out story short, he agreed to do marriage counseling, but he wants me to see a therpaist on my own, before, during, and after our session.

one of the things that came up, was he was upset with me for taking his son from him, and considering enrolling in a different school. my thought process was that myhusband works nights and he usually cannot go to seep early, so he goes to sleep at 3 pm and gets up at 10:30 pm. the only time he sees our son is early in the morning when he takes our son to school. it takes about 10 minutes and he gripes about that. he USED to say that i needed to take him to school (i already pick him up-we don't have buses) because i don't do anything as it is. so my logic was that our son would stay with me monday through friday then he could pick our son up directly from school on friday's and i would pick him up on sunday.

well, my husband said that he cannot live without our son. he said that his mom and brother could help with our son. of course i said no, why would youwant to have him when you are working nights and have your mom and brother watch him when i don't work and have the time to keep him dring the week, made no sense. then he said well i will get up during the days, but please please please bring him home to his room to his school, etc. he said i could stay at my mom's as long as i needed to get well and feel better about things and then they would b e waiting for me. well, that didn't fly.

i said, i have been begging you for years to get up during the day. i've been telling you for years that i'm lonely, and that i spend most of my waking, speaking, hours with a 9 year old. i said, what has changed. he said, well i guess when life slaps you in the face you have to change. so he said he would change that.

then he said, tabatha we are married, and we made a promise. he said please come home and let's work through this. he said you go to therapy and i will go to therapy with you (he with me) and we will work on this, then if decdie it's not going to work, then we will go our seperate ways.

anyways, seriously to some things up, i did decide there is something wrong with my thinking. i mean the fact that i saw how happy we were on saturday is what made me decide to leave because i decided i was sucking the life out of him. well, that is really for me to decide and i believe that s another product of my depression (and i think i'm bipolar).

he has agreed to work on his anger and to get help, and i'm going to do the same.

so, my mom told me that she thought i was making a huge mistake and i said that, and i'll close with this, if i have to do this a 2nd time, that will be it. we've fought and argued before, but i have never left him. and in my heart i had no intentions whatsoever of coming home. so, i did make a promise, and things have been bad, really bad, but he recognizes and admits that. and instead of him telling me thathe's never going to do it again, he tells me that he wants to get help. he says that times are hard but they are harder if we are apart. so i'm going to give this a try, and if it doesn't work, then i know and i can say honestly that i did try.

and i'm going to focus on me, i need help desperately mentally. so i'm going today to find out.

thank you all for your support you all have no idea how much you have helped me

you have helped me enough to say I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! you are truly my family. i will update as things go by.

please feel free to email me then i can email you back. this is an anonymous email but it is cat8201 @ live.com (just take away the spaces).

again thank you all so much and i love you and you all are truly life savers.

Cat8201,

I just wanted to mention, if you need to, you are more than welcome to post on the depression forum. There are many caring members there and we would be happy to have you. You have gotten a lot of support here too, so I understand if you are more comfortable here to, I just want you to know that you are welcome.

I hope that you are doing okay with your meds and aren't in pain and that things work out for you and your husband, whatever that may be. As was stated above, you have a beautiful son to think about too. And this could be very stressful for you and him both. Know that we are all here for you. You have gotten some wonderful advice from everybody.

Hugs, Karen

Cat8201,
There's not much I can add to what's been said. I hope you take advantage of Getting By's suggestion about also posting to the Depression forum. You can post to more than one forum, and it's easy to do that by using the "Quick Jump" menu at the top of the page.

The advice you've been given by so many here (too many, sadly) who have been where you are is right on point. You know, you can stay separated from your husband, you and your son living with your mother, while you all get help. It doesn't mean it has to be forever, but at least everyone stays safe that way. And you can manage your own pain, as you need to be doing with you and your doctor. Just keep that option in mind.

I do hope your appointment went well, but the first few appointments are often about gathering information. And not all psychiatrists also do therapy; many just are good with medications, so you may also need a psychologist/counselor/ or clinical social worker for you. If this person has some knowledge of CP that's a bonus, but right now you also need someone who understands domestic violence. A lot of pain, both physical and emotional, results from that, as you can see from these stories.

We do want to support you, but you may want to read through the forum rules, especially about lengthy posts.

Take care of yourself and your son!

PaLady

Children can sense when something is not right. And they generally get insecure. Keep your child's best interest at heart.

I hope that it works out with your psychiatrist on Monday. Too bad you were late for your appointment today. Usually on your first appointment they ask you to come in early to fill out paperwork. I don't know if they told you that or not.

I hope that your therapy sessions go well too. I hope to see you happy and pain free in the future.

Hugs, Karen

my child is 9 years old, getting by, and my husband and i have been together for many many years, and this just started over the last year. i know that i'm making "excuses" and i know how it appears from the outside looking in. but we talk to atticus about the fact that we do argue occasionally. and he know that is a prt of relationships.

now, at the same time, yes you would think that since i was in an abusive relationship as a child, i would not allow my child to be in one.

the thing is, my husband and i are having problems, yes, but i'm holpeful that the throwing things and name calling has come to an end. i don't think he realized what point he was at (my husband). he has agreed to get help. and until we both get help, i am least going to give it a chance. he knows however, that if he does anything even remotely similar, i'm gone. and i'm not just saying that as if i have sai it a billion times before. i haven't said it. now i mean it, and he knows it. so if he continues to act that way and doesn't care, then i don't care to stay.

also, in a way i'm abusive to my child. granted i do not say hurtful things and i do not hit my child. however, i've so depressed that i rarely get off the couch and even more rarely will i go to the store. i wasn't like this before i got sick. i've just been like this the past 2 years. that is hard on hubby too, but it affects our son tremendously. sure i still check his homework and we have movie night about 2 nights a week but i fall asleep during movie night, and i'm have really short patience. he is really smart but he tries to be lazy so, i tend to have too high expectations from him. (my mom did for me, too except i benefited and hurt because of it). but my depression/pain has me to a point that i avoid stores like "the plague". it is hard for me to walk long distances, pickig up the items putting them in the cart, then putting them in the buggy, then the car, then carrying them in the house, then putting them up is like doing strenous exercises for 3 hours straight when you havent exercised in quite a qhile. plus i have social anxiety really bad, so i also avoid his school outings. i've missed 4 basketball games because the bleachers hurt too bad to sit on (hubby has missed none), i have missed parent teacher conferences because of migraines, or throwing up. i don't like to go in to pick my son up from jiu jiitsu or basketball practice because i don't want other parents to see me because i look so terrible. so i always have him lok for me. i don't cook very often at all. i don't camp, canoe, or swim like ihave in summers past. so, what i'm trying to say is that in a way, i'm abusive to my son too. before i got down with my illnesses i never missed any of the stuff i mentioned above. i was active in his life, attending school parties, field trips, never missed a game, even sat one day through 6 hours of baseball tournaments, in a cold like rain with pneumonia. we always had birthday parties for ouir son, and we invited family over for dinner quite often. now i don't want people to come in my home because it is a disaster. so, friends don't stay the night, because house is a mess and i never know when i'm going to feel good, and he suffers in A LOT of ways.

and i know people say, well just get up and do it, well, for me it is not that easy.

i am happy to report though that since i came home, my husband has tried very hard to compromise after we discover that we do not agree on something, he is keeping his voice down, and he knows any violence or verbal abusiveness and i'm gone. but not only are we getting along better, he is saying he loves me all the time, and kissing me too (the other day i said i love you like 50 times, and he said it back a few times, but we were watching a movie with our son and i was pestering him, so..i asked him if i was getting on his nerves, and he said yes!! (then he laughed), then he got real serious and he said, "i shouldn't have said that, i would rather you get on my nerves and say 'i love you' a million times, than not be able to hear you say it at all because you arent here" (and he cried). that is huge for him.

so, i've been feeling better since i got my meds, and my husband is not controlling them. so, i have been being loving, and joyful. i EXERCISED YESTERDAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR. it felt good, and i'm starting water aerobice next wekk. i cleaned the garage (big dog stays out there because he broke his chain, and he has "accidents") i mean cleaned it for two days, with oxiclean on the floor and sweeping the water ooutside. my son helped too, he is really proud of it too. also, i have cooked dinner, and i am cleaning the house a little at a time. but I EXERCISED FOR THE FIRST TIME :) :) :) :) :)

ok, this thread is getting a little off topic, so feel free to respond to my message but i will not be posting anymore long replies.

thank you everyone for all of your love and support and questions. if any of you want to email me to check to see how things are going between my husband and i, please feel free, and i am not going to use the forum for marriag gossip.

thank you all, you are a wonderful family.

Cat8201,
While this may (sadly) end up being the "norm" in some hospitals and clinics, the standard is at least for the initial appointment to be longer - at least a 30 minute one, if not an hour. And a more in-depth history should definitely be taken. It is normal for follow-up visits to be what are called "med checks" and be 15 minutes long. Sadly, as that's what the insurance will pay for.

Did a psychiatric nurse (or an intake worker) take a more in-depth history before you saw the psychiatrist? That should at least be a minimum. And certainly you should have had an extensive history form to complete re: your other medical conditions, meds, etc.

Psychiatrists in many instances in the U.S. pretty much focus on medications. It didn't used to be this way. A few, especially in cities, may have additional training to do actual therapy, but most don't. They usually refer to a psychologist or clinical social worker for the therapy.

At least you don't have to wait long to see the psychologist, but those should be 45-50 minute sessions. I have known some clinics to do shorter sessions, even with the therapist, but if this turns out to be the case (you could call and ask) I'd try to find another option, although I don't know how many choices you have in your area. If the psychologist and psychiatrist work closely together, that can be a good thing, as the psychologist can report back and ask for med. changes to be made if what you've been given isn't helping. Someone should be coordinating with your pain management doc so you get the best out of the experience.

It could be that you were incorrectly put into the wrong type of appointment slot when you were scheduled. I would call back and ask if this was the way your initial visit was supposed to go - and see what has been billed to your insurance company. An initial meeting procedure code should allow for more than 15 minutes. What did the secretary tell you to expect?

Sorry I'm rambling a bit here!

PaLady

ok, thank you both. i will ask i suppose at my next appointment. maybe that is what happened, i mess up in appointments. because my appointment was an hour later than the secretary had told me.

at my next appointment which is next tuesday i go to see a psychologist (with a ph.d) before i see the psychiatrist.

they put me on abilify and it is helping tremendousy with my mood, bt i cannot get out of bed. what good is a good mood if you are sleeping through it. so, i guess i will find out next week and let you know.

by the way, i'm having "foot drop" today. the only other side effect i've had from the abilify is excessive saliva. which, actually i don't mind due to the dry mouth from the other meds. :)

i did wait for the appointment. i told them i was fine with just waiting for an hour, as the chairs were comfy. but he was done with me by the time my appointment was scheduled.

i'm going in wednesday to ask some questions about this abilify. i called today and rather than leave messages and such, they scheduled me for wednesday.

so i'll let you know.

thanks bunches!!!!!