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Posted 3/13/2010 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
i'm so flaring today (with my fibro).  i have permanent charlie horses in my calves, and arms and my back feels like it's busting open.

 

i had a great run at things though over the last 2 weeks.  i guess i finally had a flare free time.  i went somewhere every day, i showered often, i cleaned, i moved things around, i had a total makeover, and i even volunteered to be the team mom (but the one that does all the calling). 

 

it's so hard when you feel like this.  i'm tired, weak, and in pain.  those three are a terrible combination.  and of course, i took my medicine too often a couple of days this month, so i'm out two days early.  my husband found one of my pain meds and flushed it.  i sure wish he hadn't done that.  ....but that is another story. 

 

then i did too much yesterday, i went to 8 store's trying to find my son decent solid black shoes for school (usually they are nike's), the cheaper ones won't hold up because they have a gravel play ground (new school), and some shorts or pants for school.  i ended up spending $60 on his shoes.  i think that is ridiculous.  but they have to be solid black and they have to be "solid"..lol. and he wears a 5 1/2 mens (he's 9).  o and i had to find swimming trunks and then they cancelled swimming today..thank goodness (i know bad right?).

 

i see my pain dr monday am (EARLY) and i'm telling him that my breakthrough meds just are not working.  not that it matters much because my husband has asked me not to take them next month and he is holding my meds so when my feet hurt and stuff i wont overtake them, plus he thinks i take them to get high and i take too much, so i need to prove to him that i don't.  (well i do sometimes, and i know i shouldn't)

 

so, i'm a little down, i'm freezing, and i have a migraine to top it all off, but i just took a nap and it feels better. 

 

i'm still following the theory that i can lay down and be in pain or i can move and be in pain.  i did go to two stores today and got groceries, but i crashed after that.

 

so i just need a little inspiration and talk is all, i'm down.

 

i did get terrific news today.  the "man", he was 19 and i was 12, he was my best friends older brother, who raped me for over a year (and i never told anyone at the time), is going to prison for breaking into a home and drugs.  WHHHHHEWWWW HEEEEEWWWWW!! I'VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD about SOMEONE GOING TO PRISON IN MY LIFE.  i hope he gets raped in there.  that is bad isn't it?  i try to be positive, but in this case i can't.

 

the ironic thing is, i cried for a minute or so (had to stop because i was about to have a panic attack) about it this morning while talking to a friend about therapy.  i have never cried about it, and it has been 15 years.  i have always acted as if it were a "story" and i wasn't feeling it.  i guess i'm finally dealing with it, but at the time i didn't know he was in jail on his way to prison.

 

thanks for listening (reading)

 

and mikel if you read this, i wrote your email wrong so please resend it to me.

 

thank you again

tabatha

 

Posted 3/13/2010 5:48 AM (GMT 0)
wow...i just became a member here today, and my heart breaks for all of us. you are doing all that you can, it sounds like, and you should be proud of your honesty and your drive. i can relate, in my own way, when you feel good its so awesome and you want to just utilize every moment of it...and then later you pay for overdoing it. i have had the same thought, too, "i can either go get some exercise and be in pain, or i can sit around doing nothing and be in pain." but sometimes it isnt that easy to make the choice.

you are obviously an amazing mother, too. a lot of people who are perfectly healthy (physically) are awful parents. that is one thing i have been able to do so far, is be a good mom no matter what i feel that day. he sees me cry sometimes, but as soon as i get a hug my emotional strength is restored.

i get migraines as well. do you take meds for those? i have maxalt...it is super expensive but for a good reason. its a miracle how well it works, for me anyways.

you just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can do with the situation you are living through. i cant say you are wrong in wishing bad things on someone who destroyed a part of you. id say some of your pain is probably connected to what he did to you and i have a hard time thinking any person who would do that to another deserves a life on this planet. sometimes the only way i cant hate terrible people like that is to remember, they were a child once and someone helped mold them into that awful person. but at the same time, its not ok and it is an epidemic in this country.

i hope that one word i have typed helps you in some way and if not i apologize, i am just typing as the thoughts come from my heart. my thoughts and energy go out to you and your family.
Posted 3/13/2010 5:50 AM (GMT 0)
i just saw right after i posted this that you had posted on mine as well, and i think that is awesome. :) thanks
Posted 3/13/2010 5:56 AM (GMT 0)
i'm chatting now too, if you are interested, you can click on chat rooms and select chronic pain.
'
yes i do take meds for migraine's i take treximet, and it is my miracle drug. my migraine's cause blackout's and all kinds of fun things. but they are incredibly expensive and you only get 8 a month of a pill and 8 of a nasal spray because of insurance and that is not enough.

your words did help me, and i can already tell you are a sweet heart. and a good mom. thank you so much.
Posted 3/13/2010 6:40 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Cat 8201, I am ever so sorry to hear about everything on your plate.  With so many open issues it is hard to figure out where to start.  First, you mentioned that you get muscle spasms all over your arms legs and back.  I get the exact same thing so I known how painful and debilitating they can be.  My questions about the spasms is why your are not on some type of muscle relaxant.  Without ever relaxing your muscles you are going to constanting tense and cramped.  Muscle spasms lead directly to post spasm pain.  I my case if I have a spasm or Charlie Horse for an extended period of time, I experiencing pain during the spasm.  Then when the spasm stops, I continue to have pain in that muscle. because now the muscle has been over worked and temporarily injured.  The first thing my PM specialist did was stop the spasms.  There are several medication of varying strength and effectnes.  One is the drugs you take, Soma  did nothing for my spasms.  Other options are Robaxin, Flexeril and Zanaflex.  The king of muscle spasm control is Baclofen.  It was not until I was started on Baclofen that I was able to stop the spasms entirely.  Maybe you should concider talking to your doctor about getting those spasms under control.  If not, you will always have terrible sparms - leading topost spasm pain - leading to more spasms- creating an endless circle. Finally, I was concerned when you said that your husband controlled your medications.  You were honest when you admitted the you sometimes abused them (as YOU stated for extra pain control and to get high).  This is where the hard part comes in.  You have to look in the mirror and answer yourself honestly, "Do I have a potental drug abuse problem?   If you do, it is not the end of the world, but it is something that you MUST discuss with your doctor.  If you can not be trusted to take your medications as prescribed, you put yourself at great risk. There are pain psycologists available, maybe this is an area you should address and get under controll.  Your husband keeps you in check by locking up your meds.  What would happen if he were not in the picture? Good luck and keep us posted  
Posted 3/13/2010 7:12 AM (GMT 0)
stella., you're post said i took them for pain and to get high. maybe i had a typo, but that was supposed to be not to get high. he is just now monitoring my meds this next month. and i'm letting him to see what i feel like. i do not crave them when i am out, and i do not take my bt meds when i'm not hurting too bad, i also see a therapist, and i do not use my pain meds for emotional things. trust me, i've done the checklists just to be on the safe side. i have a sister who lost all 4 kids, her marriage, was banned from her home state, and is now in prison because of narcotics.
Posted 3/13/2010 8:22 AM (GMT 0)
o and stella, i wanted to say that i have been taking zanaflex some, but they knock me out incredibly. i have an appointment monday morning with my pain dr, as that is the exact time i was supposed to run out of my meds, instead of tonight. i will mention to him the muscle spasms. i have a tens unit, and i've been trying heat but the tens unit only helps with my neck. i thought it was just the fibro, but now that you mention it, it feels much more like spasms

thank you for your advice. i did look for a pain therapist around here, but it seems we do not have them in arkansas. i do not want to be an addict, and just in case i am, as you said, that is why i'm letting my husband do what he wants to do. normally i would refuse.

thank you for listening and for caring.
Posted 3/13/2010 8:53 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Cat I'm so sorry you had to gothru that , its so unfair .I don't blame you a bit for being glad that perv went to jail , he deserved it .I still haven't got an email from you but I think I found you on FB , look on there and you should see friend request from me , I hope your feeling better friend , I hope we talk soon .
Posted 3/13/2010 11:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Cat, I'm Cat too but go by Catz4 here. I've lived so much of what you are talking about, way too much. I too was abused as a child. I don't talk about it very often anymore as I've spent way too much time in therapy. That in and of itself can cause pain, real physical pain! If you didn't feel like the guy needed to go to prison and experience the raping of his mind as well as body, then I would think something was wrong! It's called anger and you have a right to be angry. Then one day, you'll notice the anger isn't so big and nothing nor anyone can take your peace away! You have run your tail off the last few days and now you're on melt down mode. That happens to all of us I believe. I'm at a place in my life that my pain is 24/7 and I just got my medication upped from Lortab to Oxycodone and have never had any break through meds. It has been miserable and I am very angry that my PM doctor has let me go through all this and then I've read so much on here about people getting help with breakthrough meds! Why would he let me go through all this for so many years? Anyway, you are doing what you can do to deal with everything you are going through. I hope you are o.k. and though I probably would have issues if my hubby were taking control of my meds, you seem ok with it. I wish you didn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone! But that's your life and you have to do what is right for you and your family. My best wishes and prayers are with you! Just hang in there and know people care.
Catz4
Posted 3/13/2010 2:19 PM (GMT 0)
thanks catz4, we have talked about our names before. :) in chat. My name is Tabatha so i grew up being called tabby-cat. i think it is so cool that your name is cat.

yes, the trauma was a hard. i've never dealt with it. my husband is very well known about it. when he was 16 he tried to fight the guy that did it to me (i was 11-13 or something like that). my husband was 15 and i was 12 almost 13 when he tried to fight. so when i told him this morning, he was just as excited as i am. he said, "it's about time that **bleep** guy went to prison, i hope he stays in there for a long time".

so, i didn't sleep again last night. i was up until 5 a.m. then i got up at 6:30 a.m. i always do that when i start a flare or get excited/anxious about something. i took my last pain meds last night, so that did help. they are still working somewhat. i've been taking quinine for my leg cramps and ibuprofen. i also take the zanaflex, it helps me rest for about an hour. then i have my mental meds...lol.

i just started therapy but i've done it before to deal with childhood trauma. i had to go to therapy 2 tims a week for 3 years for a severe eating disorder. they finally told my mom to start making furneral arrangements and then she apprntly force fed me for 4 days until i quit throwng up and she left my step dad and the rape's stopped, so i got better. i never realized the factors involved in getting better until now. i've also never dealt with it because i was too afraid of him to talk about it in therapy (remember i was a 5th - 7th grader).

now i'm heavy. i feel like i hide behind my weight. i avoid men. it took me a while to realize this. when i had my makeover, last week i noticed people looking at me more often, and now i have to fight myself from doing the whole messy hair, no makeup, on purpose that way i have a lot of self awareness going on. hheheh..as if the miscarriage, the fetal tissue that rotted in my uterus for 6 months, the hysterectony, the canteloupe size hematoma that developed and i walked around for 8 weeks with it bouncing on my 500 stitches, then i lost my job, then i found out i had back problems and it activated fibro. i thought my back hurt from the miscarriage and the hysterectomy but it's not, it's severe spinal issues.

ok, i'm rambling. thank you, i need all the support i can have right now.

thank u
Posted 3/13/2010 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
cat did you look on facebook , please do
Posted 3/13/2010 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
it's not there, so please delete it and resend it. my profile picture is my face with short hair and a ficus tree behind me, and my name is spelled tabatha
Posted 3/13/2010 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
I deleted it , but couldn't find you , I got no email from you , what happened ? Are you ok?
Posted 3/13/2010 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
will you email me your address mikel cat8201 @ live.com
Posted 3/13/2010 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Cat,

What horrible things you have had to deal with.

It is unbelievable what humans will do to each other.

I will not use your thread to jump on my soapbox or to relate my own victimization, but do want to let you know that many of us have experienced personal trauma that helped to precipitate our pain. I wish there was some way I could change what you experienced and take away the memories and emotions forever. Because I cannot do that, I find places (like this forum) where I can give some word of encouragement to another and help them in some small way.

I wish you the best in any and every way.....and you do have a right to want justice for the person who abused you. Please do not let this new turn of events continue to cause you pain. His abuse of you is OVER and his own pain is out of your control. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot change the consequences. This will be his burden. Give yourself permission to feel free now. You deserve it!
Posted 3/14/2010 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Cat, Just checking to see how you're doing. I'm thinking of you and hoping everything is going o.k. Take care,
Catz4
Posted 3/14/2010 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
 

   Dear Tabatha,

 

      Good evening *warm huggs* I do hope you are doing okay tonight. How did the evening go? I hope you found a few moments to yourself. I can tell plain as day that you are exhausted inside and out. I wish there were some way I could help.

 

     You know I've probably went on an on about how I feel about your husbands attitude towards your meds, So I wont go there! *hugg*

 

      You know I think what I like the most about talking about the horrible things I have experienced or the situations I was forced in to... is that instead of the lone memory of just the terrifying event.. after talking about it, I have memories of talking about the events with friends. Their reactions and their support. Not just the lone, frightning memory by itself. Does that make sense? I hope so. Keep talking about it, never forget the loving memories of those who care for you and keep shining! The stonger you get, the more you will be able to be someone elses strength when something equally terrifying happens to them. Be an advocate. *hugg*

 

      Add me on yahoo messenger if you use that. I can't be online much during day time on most days, but I have entire lazy days each week where I can sit, gather dust and chatt!  smilewinkgrin

 

 

      Stay strong!

 

*hugg*

  dani

Posted 3/14/2010 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all for your support. the pain i'm feeling is most definately a fibro flare. i guess the relief i got was another "break" as i like to call it, but i usually get those for only a day at a time. i'm blessed to have gotten a long wind at it.

just to update i'm in more pain than ever. but that is ok, i know tomorrow is another day, and i will survive. i'm not at a 10, but around an 8, but it is early in the morning, too, so. i'm just glad the pain isn't off the charts. when it comes to my back that is more of a 9 but it waxes and wanes. so, i'll be at my pain dr in the morning, and we'll see how all of that goes. i have to be there at 8:15, and i live on the most populated side of little rock, so i'll be fighting rush hour traffic the entire way. i don't know why i let them give me tht time. i will be late, and i know it, because my step dad is borrowing my car, so i have to drop off our son at school at 7:30 before i can leave. i already told them, and they don't care, but still. i usually try to get there when they unlock the doors. hopefully it isn't rainy so there will be less/no accidents on the freeways.

o and an update too on my husband holding my meds, even though i'm ticked at him for flushing a pill yest when i really could have used it, i'm ok with him dispensing my meds. i've overtaken for things like pain, and for things like "forgetting that i just took a dose" and i hate when i do that because then i have a couple of days like this weekend that are AWFUL. i would rather have some pain relief and adequately document that to my dr, and talk about a change next month, than to have these days. and i know as well as most here that when we have a "break" in our control of our pain cycle it takes a bit to get it back under control.

but i'll tell you the sciatica and the peripheral neuropathy, where my feet will swell up and look like you could pop them with a pin, and they will be hot to the touch and burn and feel like i'm walking on razorblades. that is when i overtake my meds. plain and simple. and yes i take lyrica. but that keeps me from sleeping, talking, thinking and everything else.

anyways, i haven't slept much over the last little bit so, i'm tired.

i'll update more later, but my laptop batter is getting low.

i thank you all so much for the support.

extra thanks to mikel and dani and everyone else that helped talk me through my pain last night.

and again, purple haze, you were a joy the other night, thanks chatting too.

and everyone else, i really appreciate your honesty and support, it is wonderful.
Posted 3/15/2010 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
HEY CAT I'M IN CHAT IF YOU WANNA TALK
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