Help me help my husband!

Hi FedUP,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much right now and I know how difficult childbirth and a new baby can be.

I noticed that you said he snores all night. Has he had a sleep study done? Sleep apnea could cause a host of problems.

Please understand that most of us on this board are chronic pain patients ourselves. We don't have medical answers, but we can give support.

I hope you rested well last night and that today will be a better one than the day before!

It makes a lot of difference what the meds are. Many pain killers have bad reactions when muscle relaxers are added. What are the meds?

Dear FedUp,

I'm so sorry about your husband's pain and his lack of support for you! Many of us do understand what you're going through.

Pebbles is right, he needs to take charge of his own health issues and until he WANTS to get to the bottom of things and find the cause(s) of his pain, no one can really help him.

And it may be a tough road ahead, even if he does decide to go for it. For example, I had very serious pain problems for years, plus other health issues, including sleep apnea and gall bladder problems. I didn't know what was wrong with me...I had to go to doctor after doctor until I found some who were willing to run tests, to listen to me, to think outside the box.

As you can see from my signature I have Lyme disease, plus coinfections, plus numerous autoimmune diseases and fibromyalgia. At least I FINALLY understand WHY I feel this way! I'm on antibiotics now for the Lyme. But unraveling all of these things to come up with the diagnoses literally took years of work by the doctors and by me.

I do hope it's not THAT difficult to diagnose your husband....and I hope he becomes more willing to work with the medical profession and actively seek some answers!

Please do keep us posted!
Take care,
JoAnn

 

  Dear Fed Up,

  

     Good evening. My name is Dani and it is very nice to meet you. I am glad you came to find Healing Well. It is a great place for knowladge & support. Though I am very sorry for "why" you are here, I am glad to meet you.

 

     So, I am going to talk about a few things... but first, I want you to know that you deserve someone who takes an active role in your life. It isnt okay that he laffs at you over such dark subjects. It isnt okay to just ignore your needs. Certianly not the needs of your child. You are worth so much more than that. Emotional "withholding of effection" is very serious. I would venture to guess the two of you have probably progressed to some intense arguments. His responses to the needs of you and your child are very cold... You are worth so much more. Someone in pain, does not treat the people they love in that way. Many of us have families, and love them. Though there are days where we all want to just crawl back into bed and pray the pain goes away... many of us do what we can, as much as we can, each and every day. We still tend to our children and care for our homes. Love our families. I would venture to guess he may have other things going wrong than just pain. The sad part is... you can bring a horse to water, but you cant make them drink... he has to want to get better.

 

     OKay, now that I got that out of the way, lets get down to business. I am not sure if you are looking for resources, or understanding but I am going to give you useful information.

 

~~> http://www.theacpa.org/default.aspx

~~> http://www.ampainsoc.org/people/

 

     Pain Management Specialists are important when dealing with chronic pain. Does he see one? Chronic pain requires multiple approaches, not just medicine. 

Injection therapy: Injections help to pinpoint the cause of pain, as well as provide pain relief. Therapies include epidural steroid, facet joint, and sacroiliac joint injections; and nerve root, medial branch, peripheral and sympathetic nerve blocks.

Physical Therapy: Heat/ice, massage, spinal traction, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS), ultrasound, and therapeutic exercise.

Pulsed Radiofrequency Neurotomy is a minimally invasive procedure that prevents nerves from sending pain signals to the brain.

Rhizotomy uses heated electrodes to turn off pain signals from specific spinal nerves.

Spinal Cord Stimulation is an implanted device that produces electrical impulses to block pain perception.

Intrathecal Pumps are sometimes called pain pumps. The device is surgically implanted and dispenses measured doses of medication within the spinal canal.

Acupuncture is the insertion of very fine, sterile and disposable needles into any of the body's 20 Meridian points or 2,000 acupuncture points. Acupuncture is central to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), which includes other holistic therapies.

Manipulation is performed by chiropractors, osteopathic doctors (DO), and some physical therapists - although the therapy varies among these professions. Manipulation is the therapeutic application of manual pressure or force to treat a musculoskeletal disorder.

Music and art therapy are ways to distract your thoughts away from pain. Besides a creative outlet, these therapies promote relaxation, provide a means for emotional expression, help to reduce stress, increases self-esteem, and are fun.

      Also, seeing a pain psychologist is an absolute must! He must learn to "re build" himeself from the ground up. Pain is a part of him, a part of his life. It is time that it was just a part of his life, NOT what defines him. Here is some useful information.

 

~~> http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/conditions/article/7282/489/I+Have+Chronic+Pain,+Why+Do+I+Need+a+Pain+Psychologist%3F

     He has depression. So, looking into a General Psychiatrist would be the best option at first. They are trained to deal with depression which is VERY different from a Pain Psychologist who just deals with the aspects of "chronic pain". We have a "depression" forum here as well.

 

~~> https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19

     I really hope you are able to get some much needed help. Having an infant will take up all your time and energry for the next three years. Though they do grow up, they never stop needing your love and attention. Having your husband taking an active role in raising your child is important. Not just for you, but for your childs development as well. Please, stay strong. Know you are in our hearts here.

 

*hugg*

   dani

    

    

    

    

Thank you SO much everyone. You have no idea how much better I feel just getting validation that I am not wrong in being upset with him. I tried to sit down with him and talk. I told him that he has been off since around the time I got pregnant, and I felt like I didn't get any support during the pregnancy. And... he rolled his eyes at me! I got pissed off and harshly said I was being serious. He said he was sorry but I can tell he didn't mean it. I tried to talk to him but you can tell he doesn't think anything is really wrong. What am I supposed to do if he wont accept there is a problem?

Dani- I agree, it is not fair of him to ignore my needs and especially not the needs of our child. I think that is what has upset me so much, I know I deserve the best but our precious little girl deserves a father who really cares. I had a crappy father who did nothing with us and I DO NOT want that for our daughter. Thank you for the information about pain management. I will check out the links. I have tried to convince him to take an antidepressent because I am 100% positive he needs it but he is sure he doesn't. I may depend he go to therapy with me as well as on his own.

White Beard- He is being selfish. Thank you for helping me to see that. He has a CPAP machine in his room but can't wear it because it "makes him claustorphobic". I do go to counseling and I always feel better after leaving :) Honestly at this point I am just ready to divorce him! But I want to make it work for our daughter and I *know* this is not the man I married. I just wish he could see that and want to get back to his old self.

Whitebeard is so right.  You can't make choices for him he's the only one that can.  As my husband always says "You are the Master of your own Destiny". 

The statememt You only have control over what you do, and that means you have to make the decision, on whether you can accept and live with his decision

 

I have made the same choices in 19 yrs of marriage.  Is the fault something I can live with?  So far they all have been yes.  But your husband needs to think about his family.  If he rolls his eyes saying he doesn't think anything is wrong then you more than likely can't convince him there is.

 

Find some time alone to do some soul searching.  I have found this is a wonderful pasttime to look within yourself to find better ways to become a better person.

 

I hope you find some peace in the choices you make....

 

Laurie

 

 

Well said Cali!  I think you have a great perspective on this and hope fed-up can find peace.  This is a challenge so many of us face in our marriages.  Often there is one person (or both) who feel they are doing more, showing more affection, or giving more to the relationship.  My husband and I have had this discussion so many times and so many times each person has a valid point.  Often we feel like we are doing so much and the other person so little, when it's a smiliar feeling for them....for instance....a stay at home parent often feels secluded, exhausted, emotionally neglected, and frustrated after dealing with the home responsibilites all day.  They (including myself sometimes) feel like the other person has been gone all day and should "pitch in" when they come home.  The person out working all day feels like they have put in a full day's work and still have other things they have to do at home.  They come home to a person who is seeking love and affection, when they only want a few minutes of peace and relaxation before starting to change from the work person to the home person.  Don't get me wrong....I am not saying the husband in this case is right in any of his behavior, but perhaps he is shutting down because he feels like he is overwhelmed with his own work and pain.  Perhaps he is simply jealous of his wife's deep love for her new child and at a loss of what to do.  There are always two sides to every argument and I almost always fail to see my husband's until after the time has passed.

I hope things work out for the best fed-up!  Good luck!

Thanks everyone, I have a lot of thinking to do. Retired mom- I am very understanding of him working all day and me being home with our daughter. However, my job is 24/7 and his is 40 hours a week. On the weekends, we should be sharing responsibilities for sure! And some evenings as well. I understand that he is tired but there is no reason to be grouchy, selfish and unloving. Sorry, not trying to "lash" out at you or anything. I just want you to know that I do understand he is tired. But, coming home to sleep the entire afternoon and evening, and then the entire weekend is unacceptable.

I sent him a long email last night. I know it seems naive but I couldn't get him to sit down and talk to me and I needed to get it all out. I know he's read it by now. He checks his email first thing in the morning. He was a little more helpful today but never mentioned anything. Now, of course, he's back to sleep. I am going to give him a chance to think about it and come around. I asked him to go to therapy on his own, as well as with me, and to consider taking something like Cymbalta.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I dismiss his pain too much? I just get tired of hearing about it so often. There's really only so much I can do and I hate having to be the one who's always being supportive when I'm never getting supported.

Fed,
I am wondering if he is not having a major health issue. I have to admit I was one of those people who needed someone to advocate for me, because I litterly did not have the energy to do it. I did not realize that it takes even energy to cry and do doctors orders. It took years to get correctly dxed.

I think your feelings ABSOLUTELY are valid!

But, I am wondering if his are as well. One thing major lesson I have had repeatedly learned is that do not be dismissive. I think the question you also have to ask yourself is if he died from whatever is causing this excessive sleepiness how would you feel? I am not asking this to upset you, but given that you are ready to divorce him over this, I think you need to have a clear conscious that you did everything you could to help him.

This may mean taking him to Mayo Clinic or whatever, but I want you to be able to look at yourself and feel that you dealt with this situation with dignity and grace, not with anger.

Take Care,
Navy

I may be a little bitter because he was so unsupportive during my pregnancy. Here I was, bipolar, not on even close to my normal medication regimen, having severe mood swings and anxiety, and he hardly paid any attention to me, asked how I was doing, etc. When I was 18 weeks pregnant, he decided to tell me he was thinking about leaving me for no reason at all out of the blue. The next day he woke up and acted like everything was fine and didn't want to talk about it. He still doesn't want to talk about it, I forced him to go to therapy with me one time. Other than that, he ignores it like it's no big deal. It's a huge deal to me, it's just not a way to treat your pregnant wife. I had really severe anxiety thinking I was going to be a single mentally ill mom the rest of the pregnancy and he was no help at all. He just complained all the time about his little aches and pains (oh another headache, great).

The night that I gave birth, to a 9 pound girl after an epidural had worn off- yes it was the absolute WORST pain of my entire life. I nearly blacked out. I'm sure all you mom's can understand. I had her at 5:30 pm. By 9:00 pm I was in the postpartum unit watching him whimper in pain about his back and the poor uncomfy pull out couch he would have to sleep on that night. HELLO? I just pushed out a watermelon in places you would never dream of after carrying it in my belly 9 whole months.

Fastforward 4 weeks, he had to get a steroid shot in his stomach and you would have thought the world was coming to an end. He came home from the doctor and couldn't do anything he was in so much pain from it. He had the nerve to compare the needle to the epidural I had. Common. I have since had two steroid shots and while I wouldn't go have them for fun, I have to say they are no big deal.

I have had severe hives since the birth of our little girl and the doctors have yet to figure out why, hence the two steroid shots. I have been on prednizone, benedryl, claritin, singular, zyrtec, all daily and use cortisone cream. And I still feel like my skin is burning and have whelps. He never asks about that. I have mood swings and anxiety. He never asks about that. I ask him multiple times a day how he's feeling and if there is anything I can do for him. When he is holding her I ask if there is anything that I can get him. I fill bottles and bring them to him, etc.

Of course I would be very distraught if he died over this, but it's just not fair to me to try so hard and him not put any effort at all into getting better. He is an adult and has to put SOME effort. I don't feel great but am working hard all day every day for all of us. There is only so much I can do. I went to the doctor with him 3 weeks ago. I brought the baby along since there was nothing else to do with her. We had to wait for 2 hours so I had to feed her and walk/bounce her to stop her from screaming around sick patients. He just doesn't even talk to doctors. He can complain to me and yet when we get to the doctor it's like there's no problem?

I kept saying "he's always in pain! He needs help for ___". My husband just won't speak up. When we left the doctor said he needed an ultrasound of his gallblader, that he was going to put him on the list for a sleep study for sleep apnea, and prescribed a pain killer and acid reflux medication, as well as topamax for migraines and a muscle relaxant for his neck.

He went for the follow up 2 weeks later alone. Came home and had cancelled the gallbladder ultrasound and sleep study. He's still taking the medication but whenever one pain clears up another is sure to follow. I'm doing what I can but I already have my hands full. I would be happy to research some conditions online and give him the information if you all have any ideas what may be wrong. Here are his symptoms:

constant pain- neck/back/stomach/head/legs/feet
migraines
always sick, sore throats
no desire for life
low sex drive
always very tired
doesn't shower much terrible hygiene
irritable

I realize I make him sound absolutely terrible but we have had great times, particularly before I got pregnant. I really think that it is depression, but maybe I recognize it because that is what it would be in me?

I cannot thank you all enough for your help.

Thank you white beard, I'm going to head over there now. I quickly glanced at the symptoms of sleep apnea and it sounds like that could definitely be the main problem. I am going to try to get him to have the sleep study done. I appreciate it!

Hi and Welcome!

It's very nice to meet you but I do wish it was under different circumstances. There has been so much wonderful advice and conversation already there's not much I can add except a bit of my own experience that are similar to yours and one observation. And because it's similar it does get me fired up to see him treating you this way. So if I step out of line just ignore what I have to say or tell me to butt out...lol

The one comment that concerns me is "Im not sure what the meds are. " referring to the medications your husband takes. Combine that with the fact that he's always coming up with a new pain somewhere and I would be concerned about what he's actually taking and how much. Is it possible he's using his 'pain' to get more pain medications than he needs? Is he possibly addicted to them? That could possibly explain some of his behavior. Just something to consider.

But my experience years ago has some striking similarities to yours. My EX, or as we refer to him "the sperm donor". (sorry, that wasn't very nice, just honest..lol) was a very controlling person which is exactly what your husband is doing. He would have to get involved in whatever activity I was interested in, would never leave me alone with a friend and would even ask who had been to our house during the day when he perceived extra tire tracks in the driveway! All of this was to control and stupid me thought he was just interested in what I was doing...well, except for the tire tracks. That ticked me off. Never once did I give him any reason to doubt my integrity or loyalty. But I couldn't see what he was doing to me. Slowly and carefully he drove off all of my friends but I was so busy raising 3 children, without any help from him, that I didn't notice. But he often was "so tired", had this pain or that and was always trying to convince me to pawn off the babies so we could have time without them. That's the short version but suffice it to say the HE was the one who was dishonoring our marriage making passes and taking advantage of the mom's of our childrens' friends and also of clients of our business, a business of which he ran into the ground because he basically didn't want to work.

Like you when any of our 3 children were born he was too tired to help and acted more like a baby than the child did. I was taking care of the children and he was an extra child just making life worse any way he could. Finally he wasn't clever enough when sneaking off for a weekend with the wife of a client that he got caught and I was so relieved and glad I could throw him out! So why share this? I wasted 21 years of my life letting this happen to me and not standing up and taking action. He treated me like dirt and was jealous of all of those children. Pretty sick for what is supposed to be an adult. Even my children at a young age could see how badly he treated me but it wasn't until they were adults that I found out how they felt. Unfortunately my oldest son was very distressed by it all and add that to depression and it was too much for him to handle. He's been gone now for 10 years and so has my life.

But there IS some good to the story. I have been married to a wonderfully caring man for 17 years who treats me with respect and love. FedUpWife...we all deserve respect unless we don't show respect. But YOU have done more than your share to support him and try to build a marriage. Your husband needs to 'man up' and start to act like the husband you deserve. (sorry to put it so bluntly but I hate to see you hurt any more) Your thought to send him packing to his mothers home is a good one. Maybe he needs to stay there for a while and think things through. I doubt he will change while he's still in your current environment. He knows he can control you so why should he change. I would hope his mother wouldn't enable him and let him continue his bad habits.

OK, I've said enough and probably too much but I do care very much that you and your daughter are OK. It's very sad that your father wasn't what he should have been but you can't make up for your husband's shortcomings. Nor can you 'make' him change. You can lead him to help but he is the one who has to change. In the mean time you have a lovely daughter who doesn't need this stress in her life. Even though she's very young she knows a stressful environment and it can affect her.

Please don't let this go on like I did and waste years of your life. Get help for yourself and your husband has been given all the help he needs. Now it's time for him to move forward or move out....

Please accept my apologies for anything I said that might have hurt your feelings. It came from my heart and with love...

Chutz