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HELP! A mom who is trying to help too much!

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Posted 8/9/2010 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
Today was a good day, up until my Mom spilled the beans. Our family goes to a wonderful church near our home, and today my fiance and I finally joined the church as full members. Mom was there with my nieces, which was great! Our church has an Outreach team to help the community and have fun events for all to participate. Today was Psychedelic Sunday, and my fellow team members and I spent weeks getting ready to have a picnic and tie-dye. I was in charge of the tie-dye.

It was a lot of fun, but for some reason, my mom decided to tell all these people on the Outreach team with me that I will work myself to the point of pain and never ask for help. I do love to do things on my own, but I know my limitations and had already asked for help. After the third person hovering over me telling me to sit down and take it easy, I realized my mom intervened again and as my son said "told on me!"

Most of my church family knows my medical issues cause me to change the way I do things. Being useful and helping is just as important to people with any chronic illness as taking care of themselves. Seeing the children enjoying making beautiful and unique shirts to wear made me feel wonderful, and although I do hurt a little more now than before it was well worth it. I can't spend my whole life in bed, wishing the pain would stop. At times, I just have to get out and do something in spite of the pain.

I know my mom loves me and was trying to help, but we have had this discussion before about privacy and overstepping bounds. When I got home, I talked to her about how rewarding it was regardless of the pain, and next time to allow me to ask for help before intervening on my behalf.

Why do so many people think they can tell us what to do with our lives or our bodies? I fully understand as a mother not wanting your child to hurt, but hurting is part of life along with the joy for many of us. For me, showing those children a fun time was way more important than sitting on the sidelines watching.

Thank you for listening to the vent. I had to get it out!

Posted 8/9/2010 6:05 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear that. I can imagine it must be awful when you're having fun doing something and then someone else tells everyone you're overworking yourself. I think mothers are genereally very worried. Mine is far away, so she can't do stuff like that, but she would also respect me and talk to me first.
Hope you still managed to have a bit of fun.
Posted 8/9/2010 9:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Monty'sMom,
Let me welcome you to the chronic pain forum. I'm probably a bit late doing that, but better late than never!

As I read your post I couldn't help but think what wisdom you have about yourself, your pain, your limitations, and the will to live life. I'm not sure if you can change how your mother acts; sometimes mother-daughter relationships don't change much despite our best efforts, and you may have to do the same thing with her that you've done with your pain - accept her limitations, deal with them as best you can, and move on with doing what you want to do anyway. If you can have a bit of a sense of humor about it, that might help for you to not let it get to you so much. You can control your response to her easier than you're probably going to change her.

You could try having a mother-daughter talk with her, and really sharing with her that you do know your limitations and are taking care of yourself, and you appreciate her love and caring but is there another way you both could manage these situations. If she's open to working on a change in her behavior, that's great, but if it doesn't happen then you will have to accept her as she is, and work on reacting to her differently.

I'm not sure any of this helps, but I did want to share with you that I think you've got a great view on how to go on with your life despite the pain.

PaLady
Posted 8/9/2010 12:01 PM (GMT 0)
Yes I managed to have fun. I refused to let someone else's worry for me take over for what I had spent so much time organizing, and teaching the little ones a craft.

Athas, welcome to the forum. I hope you find the people here as welcoming, understanding, and caring as I have. It makes a very big difference.

PaLady, thank you for your post. I guess I have been trying to change my mom, instead of accepting her as she is and finding a way to not allow this type of stuff to bother me. Also a great big thank you and hugs for the compliment about how I handle my pain. As I am sure you know as well, some days are better than others and a good outlook is possible. Other times I think we need to rest and contemplate what has happened and if needed, mourn the style of life we lost so we can move on and do things within our grasp. A good friend on mine said once about her husband after a heart attack that she can still have a full life with him and do everything they used to, just at a much slower pace and over time. Nothing has to be done all at once and most things can wait until tomorrow. 

 

Posted 8/9/2010 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
Monty's Mom, I also am late welcoming you to our family and I apologize! I have read several posts from you and have been meaning to say hello....just have not been feeling very good! So first I would like to say....nice to meet you! Also, sorry for the reasons we have met!

I certainly understand how you feel and wish that I had the strength you do to keep pushing through the pain and living my life! I used to be able to do more, it just seems lately like I am surrendering and I hate it! I am not sure why, maybe it is just the frustration of not being dx'd yet and wondering why I feel so bad, but they won't tell me why! However, this to shall pass!

Hang in there and know in your heart that even though Mom may seem to be overstepping boundaries, I am sure it is without malice!

Take care of you!
Beckey
Posted 8/9/2010 7:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Montys Mom,

 

I think your mom is probably very worried about you and all of her intentions are the best. Your Mom cared for and nurtured you from the time you were born and even to this day no matter how old you are there will always be that little part of her there. I can say this because I am the mother of two grown children. We know there comes a time we have to let go and we do or at least most mothers do, but still you are always her child in her heart.

 

I suggest you speak to your mother just to let her know you appreciate her concern. Assure her that you are very much aware of your limitations and try to do things within those limitations. You may let her know that your dr knows what your activities are and encourages you to do what you can. Let her know that you do ask for help when you need it and that you would never do anything to cause further damage.You are correct when you said that we can mourn our losses, this is very true, and yes then we have to move on. Last of all just tell her that you health is your business and a private matter and you want to keep it that way.

 

I think you have a great understanding of your situation and you should be commended for having the insight that life is not over because of CP. It is always nice to read a post such as yours telling people the things they are doing and trying to get on with life. So many people think if they can't function as they did before, they are useless and have no life left and that is so far from the truth. A person can learn to do things differently and and rebuild. It can be done.  It depends on how bad a person wants it and how much they are willing to put into it. It is not easy one bit but it can be done.

 

Take care and keep letting us know how you are doing.

Posted 8/9/2010 7:57 PM (GMT 0)

  Hello Monty's Mom! I will make this very short and sweet!......Straydog has said it best! Wisdom at it's best! :)

       Good Luck to you!

     SE:)


Actually....they all were very good replies! All of them! :)
Posted 8/9/2010 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
I agree, they are all excellent replies!  Thank you all for your insights which help see things from angles we were unclear on before. Thank you also for the compliments about how I handle the CP issues. I just want to stress that there are days that it is possible to think that way, and there are days I too surrender to it and allow myself to mourn what I lost. I still struggle with that feeling hopeless and worthless at times, I just refuse to feel that way every day. No matter what our struggles are, we all have value!

I feel blessed to have found this lovely resource and support. You are all wonderful people and thank you for making a difference in my life!

Posted 8/9/2010 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
idea  Monty's Mom,

I know how frustrating it can be when you just want to be doing your thing, without having everyone whisper or hover over you and your illness. I think, like you said, your mother was trying to make sure that she took care of you, so you didn't end up in pain. You know how much we can't stand to see our children hurting. I'm 35 and have an 18 year old. I still have to remind myself that he can drive a car, go to work, and school and I don't have to call and check every 10 minutes to make sure he wasn't in an accident. Or everytime I hear an ambulence, that it is probably not him injured or etc. That being said, I think it is good that you keep reminding her of her bounderies. If she is anything like my mom, that won't matter and she will still get her feelings hurt. It's a tough road. I hope eventually she starts respecting your privacy, keep reminding her. Oh and Tye-dye, how fun. I love stuff like that. I'm not very creative, but that is such a satisfying thing, especially when it comes to doing it for the kids. Take care of yourself, Heather

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