Lonely, scared and confused

My boyfriend has been gone for 8 days now and it's going to be another 4 days before I will see him again. We've never been apart for that long, but he is travelling with a theater group and can't come home in between. I'm very lonely here in Bremen. I used to have "friends", but lost most of them when I got to know my boyfriend since he is a bit too extraordinary and many of my "friends" just refused to really get to know him. I have one friend left with whom I can really talk, another, who is a good friend of my boyfriends who is in the middle of moving out, with her four children and away from her husband, so there is no way I could ask her to be there for me. I used to be there for other people a lot, but have nobody I can call in times like this. I'm so isolated that when the fears come up about my knee osteoarthritis, there is nobody I can call.

The other thing is that often, I don't dare to admit that again something has happened to me or my family. Because of psychiatric problems, I used to be in therapy. After therapy, my therapist and I stayed in contact because we got along quite well - until out of the blue, she started using me to tell me all about how she fell in love with a man from the forensic ward who was there for some sexual crime and I was the only one she could talk to about it. We had to end all contact because it was just too much for me.

My dad has had Diabetes, probably since the late 70s. After an infection, he started gaining weight like crazy and having typical symptoms and Diabetes type 2 can be caused by infections, but for about 20 years, not a single doctor tested his blood sugar. Wehn one doctor finally did, my dad's blood sugar levels were at over 400, in the morning when he hadn't eaten anything for hours. He has polyneuropathy, is in constant pain, didn't get a job again after the company he worked at closed down and is often depressed because of the consatnt pain. He is overweight because of the long untreated diabetes, but doctors label him as one of these people who binged themselves right into becoming diabetic.

My mother crushed her knee in 1996 and it got infected and she almost lost her leg and stayed in hospital for 5 weeks. My youngest sister was three years old back then.

My parents both have migraines and we all inherited them.

My other sister (I have three sisters) who is 1 1/2 years younger than me has EDS and occasionally struggles with that.

Last January, part of my family's house was destroyed in a fire. My dad was the only one in the house at that time and was left severely traumatized.

I hardly dare to talk about these things because I feel like my family must be a bunch of freaks. My sister once said: "I thought stuff like that always happened to other people, but I think we are those other people." and I think she is right. Sometimes, it's just hard because when other people hear about it, I feel like they must think we're crazy and that we somehow bring it upon ourselves because that much stuff could hardly naturally happen to one family. It's like I have to be ashamed of that and I feel that at some point, other people will think we're insane or that I'm making that up.

Right now, it's really bad because my boyfriend isn't here and because I'm so isolated. I'm scared, I feel like a freak or liek we must be cursed somehow. I read that it's important to lose weight when a person has knee osteoarthritis so during the past week, I was dieting, with a BMI of 19 to begin with. I stopped yesterday since I got to a point at which I was beginning to get scared of food, but I feel like I should get down to a BMI of 16 for my knees.

Sorry, I'm just going a bit crazy here and it comes in waves. It's just that I don't have anyone here who understands.

Hi Athas,
I am sorry you are struggling right now and feeling so alone in your struggle! I think CP makes us all feel a little crazy at times! I also know that since CP....I feel very lonely! I am also very sorry that you have had so many bad things in you and your families lives but do not ever be ashamed that bad things have happened to you or your family! You did nothing to cause these things to happen so there is no shame! I know that this is easier said then done but you need to try and not dwell on all of the problems, it will just make you feel worse... believe me, I know about that! I can get myself into a real pity party at times and really start convincing myself that I am cursed! I quit saying "what else can go wrong?" because it seemed like something else always did go wrong!

You are never alone when you are part of our family here....remember that! Hang in there hun and don't forget that you are cared about very much by all of us here!

Hugs,
Beckey

Thanks for your replies. I felt better after swordfencing last night. Being really active usually helps.
My boyfriend and I do talk on the phone every night, but we aren't really phone people, so the conversations are usually quite short.
My family has learned to take things with a good sense of humor, it's just that other people sometimes don't understand that.

Anyway, I'm okay again and feeling a lot better, thanks for your encouragement!

Thanks for those nice replies. Dani, I'm actually getting over the loss of some friends and I've become a better person without them, so I am feeling better about it than I used to. As for my family, I think we're just one of those families who go through many extreme things, but we also experience extremely good things - so we are basically just a bit more extreme. But as I mentioned before, we do have a good sense of humour. Still, I don't want to be told after a horrible event that it wasn't really that bad by people who want me to pity them just because they have a tough day at their job.
underthe bus, no I don't see a therapist anymore. With that therapist, therapy had already been over for 1/2 year and I don't need therapy anymore. I have all the "tools" and have learned a lot about myself. I sometimes need people i can talk to who understand me, but I'd rather go on an internet forum for that instead of seeing a therapist. I was there because a few years ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. In the end, I realized I had just always been "different" from the people my age (apparently, it's likely I'm gifted, but I haven't been through any tests because right now I don't want to know) and teachers just kept telling me there was something wrong with me just because I was different and so at some point, I believed them. I don't think I ever really had Borderline Personality Disorder because once I decided I wanted to be emotionally healthy and really worked on myself, the BPD was gone. A person who really has it can't decide they don't want to have it and recover within 1/2 year.
Anyway, I don't want to see a single therapist anymore and I don't need that kind of therapy (physiotherapy might be a good thing, but that I don't get).
And I'm going to see my boyfriend tomorrow. It's just been too long and I can't wait anymore!