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Posted 8/27/2010 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
I can't do anything right. I've tried so hard with the Mary Kay, without really doing anything physical, and only one trip out of my home and have made no money but have run myself into my bed. I am exhausted, stressed, and still in misery for nothing. This is supposed to be the simplest job I could possibly do, just sit in a chair for a half an hour and talk about products I already use to make people feel good about their skin, and I cant even manage that. What was I thinking? It wasnt a big investment, but why did I ever think I could do this? 

It is so depressing, living my life in this stupid trailer with no one but my pets around me for the entire day. What man wants to come home to a frumpy woman who on the best of days can't take care of the house or have a job. Not to mention one with two boys who eat everything in sight and grow so fast we are continually buying clothes and shoes. Every time I turn around its another problem, another illness, a new medication to try and a new doctor's office to go to. Why can't I just be like every other woman with a job and home and responsibility? I just want a job! I want to be able to contribute to my home, and the boys lives, and give my fiance the wife he should have, not some mangled messed up pretender.

Sorry, I just needed to get that all out. I feel so useless today, which isn't like me. Most days are very positive. Fake it til you make it I guess.

Posted 8/27/2010 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
MM its ok to get down & disgusted, thats normal with CP. However, quit beating yourself up, you did nothing to bring this on. Beating yourself up is not going to make the situation any better. You are just as good as you were before except now you have limitations you need to learn to deal with and that is not easy, but it can be done. We all must make exceptions and keep going. You are a very positive person, I have read that in your posts. Take a break today, try to enjoy the weekend and start fresh on Monday.

You are not done you still have a lot of life left in you. Remember that. Hugs, Susie
Posted 8/28/2010 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
((((((((((MM)))))))))). Vent away & don't apologize! We all have our bad days, and this is certainly one of yours. We're here to listen & to support you through the good times and the bad, no matter what.

With that said, I wonder if you're not taking things too fast. If I remember correctly, you've only recently become a May Kay consultant. Perhaps your excitement about the position lead you to over-do things. It's easy to do; we all do.

I really don't know much about the position, but I'd think that you are able to schedule your consults as you see fit. Maybe just slowing things down would help. For example, instead of doing one consult per day, try doing one every 3 days. Yes, you're not going to sell that much that way, but maybe that will allow you to keep your position without putting too much added stress & pain on your body. Unfortunately with CP we can't do the things that we used to & we have to make compromises & sacrifices. Hopefully, with just a little planning, you'll be able to still keep doing the consulting thing & not suffer as much as a result.

I hope you're having a better night tonight. Just remember, you can only do the best you can do. It takes a while to learn, but if you don't, you'll just keep beating yourself up over things you can't control & you don't deserve that.

more hugs,
Skeye
Posted 8/28/2010 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Par for the course, don't worry about the need to vent. It's what this site and this community are here for.

We feel your pain....literally!
Posted 8/28/2010 6:50 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry to hear that, MM. I can imagine this is hard. My dad can't work anymore and hates to watch my mother bring home the money and getting stressed-out. I wish I could just give you a hug right now. Just know that I can imagine how you feel and it's good to let things out every now and then. Just please don't feel like there is nothing you can do, there are so many things which I'm sure you do, they probably just don't look "big" on first glance.
Posted 8/28/2010 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you are feeling down right now (and for the others who are feeling the same way).  My husband and I have had these conversations too many times to recall. 

First, you are not useless!!!! None of us are....even if we feel like it and even if our loved ones don't always understand.  We have the ability to love and love is so much more important than a spotless house and a hot meal three times a day (although I really like a clean house).  Sometimes takeout is the BEST idea and not a cop-out.  It's OK to have our husbands and children help!  For some reason today, people feel that children shouldn't be doing work.  I think we are doing them a great disservice.  We give them too much, we keep them from learning lessons that they will only have to learn harder later, we shelter them from anything that requires effort and God forbid possible failure.  We all learn from our failures, so why should we keep our children from learning these valuable lessons.  Imagination and alone time are lost arts that need to be encouraged.

If Mary Kay is not working and you are not satisfied with the progress...then give it up.  It would have been nice if it made you happy, but your tallents and happiness may be in different areas.  I would personally HATE to sell things because I don't enjoy running errands or having to "sell" to people.   I love helping people and enjoy giving useful suggestions on homework, projects, computer issues and things like that.  I can not teach the classes I once did because of my health problems and I honestly cannot deal well with the public because of PTSD, OCPD, and anxiety/depression.  I cannot take antidepressants, but xanax (controlled release) helps a great deal with the feelings of uselessness and depression.

It would be unusual for you to have "thought up" the idea of Mary Kay without being "sold" on the idea by somebody else.  It's the same thing for anybody who does the "selling parties" for whatever.  Most of the time they only end up making enough money to get their own items at a slight discount.  It would have been cheaper in the long run to buy the products outright and keep the investment money, the expended energy, and the positive outlook you had before the venture.  This is why most people only sell products for a short period of time.....and in today's economy, there is so little wiggle room for people to purchase extra items that the sales are way down.

You are not a failure.  You are a fighter!  You tried and you may continue to try or you may quit this venture and go on to something else.  Whatever you do, you will find support here from people who understand. 

 

Posted 8/29/2010 12:21 AM (GMT 0)

 Hey there! You need a BIG HUGG!

     I know it is hard to feel like you are not contributing. I used to be an accountant and miss it so badly. Now.. all I do is make jewelry. I will begin selling it in September if all goes well. I seriously doubt it will do anything to help our finances. It is something. It isn't much, but it is what I can do. Aside from that I volunteer. In small, silly, never going to change the world ways.... Again, it isn't much. It is what I can do.

     At some point you have to remember that just because the tasks are small and the pay is horrible, it doesn't mean that you aren't working just as hard as the construction worker in downtown or the high powered attorney in the community. But, you have to pace yourself. You have GOT do it in little spurts. We all have to. If we don't, we will end up in bed and in more pain! Wouldn't it be better to do a little bit every day, rather than a LOT in one day and down in bed for 5 days?

     You know, I have an Avon lady here... She puts together these little order books, in small bags with 2 or 3 "samples" in them. Then has her daughters put them on our door handles every other month or every 3 months. Great for finding out the latest color trends and perfect for "stocking stuffers" at Christmas time. Could do something like that, and have your sons deliver them to doors?

     Hey! You have to stop thinking your fiancé feels trapped. He loves you! He didn’t marry you because he felt stuck. He loves you very much. Thoughts are actions and your actions of affection mean so much more. Even though things like dancing the night away are not going to happen... things like little "I love you" cards hidden behind the steering wheel, don't hurt and are easy to do. Thoughts are actions and actions are thoughts. Rule of thumb. Only you can make your thoughts actions. If you think poorly of yourself every day it will become a burden on your shoulders. If you think of ways to do things that will make the "inside you" happy, then you have already won half the battle. All you need to do after that is make those thoughts, actions.

    "Fake it till you make it I guess." ....But at this point? No one can deny you are struggling to survive. No one could fake their way through your life. It takes a strong will to live, a heart of gold and endless love of all living things, to be you. Please, do not be so hard on yourself. You are trying so hard to make the most out of all the things that have been tossed your way. I dare anyone to stand in your shoes and say different.

*hugg*
  dani

    

Posted 8/29/2010 2:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Monty's Mom!

I have read these post from top to bottom, and yours several times. It has bothered me all day long, as I have been looking for something to suggest to you.
Like many here, my heart goes out to you and we all want so desperately to help. Will a few simple clicks of the Keyboard help, as we type a response to you.

Of course we hope so....but are we really giving you answers that you can find some sort of hope from? There are many here with the same exact problem as yours,
and I too felt the same as you several times throughout my ordeal with my back problems. I do hear your pain, and it is ever so clear for those of us that suffer from CP.

I once heard a saying that goes like this "If we take our eyes off of the Goal, obstacles begin to appear" Please keep your eyes on the goal...no mater what it may be.
Start with small goals...and then work your way up to bigger ones. Keep your focus there as best you can...report them here no mater how small you think they are,
and we will cheer for you.

Trust me!...you are of some worth in this life, even if you are not a working a job that pays. A working mother was rare 40 to 50 years ago,
but they were valued and respected just the same. Don't cut your self worth shorter than it is.

I always say that tomorrow is a brand new day.....and sleep forgives our burdens of yesterday. As I told Pete in another post, carry the burden that you can, and let the Good Lord carry the rest.
Yes!...we may face some of the same burdens that we faced yesterday, but I can tell that you have plenty of Drive in you.

While I don't know much about you.....and maybe some of this seems to be rambling....I want you to know that you are not alone and we do care. Maybe you have a close friend that you can talk to every day,
if not I certainly encourage you to reach out and find one. Yes ...YOU may have to reach out! I believe strongly in the buddy system, and practice it everyday.

HW is a wonderful place to vent, rant, seek advice, and make friends! No!...we can't possibly heal you, although we would love to. I always offer an open invitation to anyone here that needs a friend, someone you know will be there,
when you need it. Feel free to email me anytime...I will always answer back.

One more thing you might want to do is start calling some of the agency's in your area that offer support or assistance to those in need. Maybe they will direct you to an employer who understands your needs. It will never hurt to try!
You may even want to think about doing medical billing from home as well. Keep looking and keep your chin up as best you can.

Bless you in every way!

SE:)

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 8/29/2010 10:15:16 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/29/2010 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
Monty's Mom,

I think you have to be careful not to cross over into the realm of self loathing when emotions come to a breaking point like this. You've come to a breaking point, a self realization that things aren't going as planned. You've known this ofcourse, but days like today are when this reality really hits home for you. I completely understand where you are coming from. You feel like this road of BS is just never going to end. You realize you have important people in your life that love you and THIS is part of the WHY you are feeling this way. You feel that everything happening to you is falling short and letting them down. Again, I completely understand.

However, you are not defeated. You've lost a small battle, but the war against chronic pain is an on going battle and it CAN BE WON. If at first you don't suceed, try again....repeat....repeat....repeat. Don't give up MM. You know you love your fiance and that he is worth this battle you are going through. So are your sons. They are what you are really fighting for. This is a hard battle and depression and pain are really effective weapons against us. We can (you can) prevail though. This is only a single battle lost in a much larger war, and you can bounce back.

Give yourself some time to recover from this breakdown and surround yourself with those that love you.

I'm only 30 and I should be active and living up life. I'll admit, chronic pain has made me less active but 2 nights ago I won a small battle. Although it hurts my back, that night I performed with the rock band I am in (I play guitar by the way). Yesterday I woke up and I was in a lot of pain, so just getting out of bed felt like a chore. Well I finally did get out of the house and get things done, though complaining about how bad I was hurting for a nice chunk of the time I was out. I finally achieved pain relief after 150 mgs of nucynta and 600 mgs of asprin. I wanted to believe I was fine to goto work with just a minimal dose of pain medication on person, but my girlfriend made me take what would be my maximum allowable dosage for pain medication with me to work. (thankfully I have a desk job and its night work). I got really quiet and sad after watching myself put all the pills into the pill carrier. I just felt so depressed. I then expressed (as i have done before) to my girlfriend on how much i HATE taking these pills and how I feel so alone because non of my friends have these painful conditions. She talked to me with sympathy, love, and understanding, and THAT was enough to make me feel better as I walked out the door and went to work. That alone helped with the depression I was feeling. The support from a loved one :)

I lost a battle but I was still carrying on in the war :)

I hope this post made sense MM. Realize that you are not alone, lean on those that care, and be careful not to let a lost battle turn into self loathing. Self hate is a hard subject for me because so many times I wanted to give in, but I can't. God loves me and my girlfriend and family loves me, so if I can't love myself, how can I love them?

Stay strong.
Posted 8/29/2010 6:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi and HUGE, warm hugs!

It's late but I am compelled to write a short note to you. I think this is likely the most beautiful thread I've read in all the years I've been here. Your frustration is a mirror to so many of us so we do understand the emotions you are going through. They are real and valid.

I had only read a few sentences of your post when the tears started down my cheeks. It's something many of us have thought and sometimes we fight to keep those thoughts at bay. And as I read through the answers and stories others shared the tears of sorrow turned to tears of hope.

Right now you are down and likely about as low as you've ever been. But as you can see, you are riding on the shoulders of a large family here. This is a family of people who love and care about you. We will be here for you, and for anyone of the family who needs us. When you feel you just can't go any longer we will be your legs and carry you until you are strong enough to walk on your own again. It's what friends and 'family' do.

Warm hugs!
Chutz
Posted 8/29/2010 7:13 AM (GMT 0)
Just want to offer a warm hug of encouragement and understanding. Been at the end of my own rope this week, tied a knot and am climbing back up. :) Just remember that your fiance knows you come with two boys, and the doctors appointments and loves you anyways. And though you are feeling useless right now, to your boys and your fiance, you are far from it. You hold a very important place in their lives, regardless of your current health or limitations. You are not a failure.

This forum is the best cure for a bad day that I have ever found. Having a friend who will lend a listening ear is comforting. Having a place like this forum where so many people KNOW what you are going through is priceless.
Posted 8/30/2010 4:47 AM (GMT 0)
I dont know how to thank all of you. I have spent two days trying to think of a way to express to everyone how much you helped, and couldnt. Every time I read all the hopeful and supportive posts, tears run down my face. You have all given me hope. Instead of giving up, I talked to my fiance and boys about how I was feeling, and they understood. We have all come up small ways to make changes that will eventually mean big changes. I slowed down on the Mary Kay to 3 days a week, Thank you RetiredMOM and Skeye. You helped me realize that it isn't something I HAVE to do. If I want to make a little money, or it makes me happy to do a facial, then 3 days a wwek is the maximum I can take. Once my classes for medical transcription are done, then it will not be needed.

Without each and every one of you, Dani, Skeye, underthebus, RetiredMom, Screaming Eagle, straydog, Paula, athas, caligirl, Chutz and grainofsalt, I don't know how I would have made it through this weekend. We did things that I could do, or modified what had to be done for me to participate. I would have never asked my family to do that feeling as useless as I did. You all would have laughed at me today sitting in a cushiony lawn chair with pillows propping me up and sanding the rust and bondo on my fiance's truck! I even did an MK party for my niece sitting (more like reclining slightly) and helped her earn some products and go beyond my sales goal for the month! Without all of your encouragement, I would still be crying and feeling useless.

grainofsalt, I won at least one battle this weekend! I wasnt going to let the pain keep me feeling useless! I can be a mom, aunt, wife and daughter, or an MK consultant and make myself happy by making others feel good without earning a dime! Spreading happiness and feeling selfworth is more valuable than any money earned.

Chutz, Dani, SE, you are all an inspiration in the amount of support you are able to give, even when struggling with your own pain and issues. You are always here for everyone, and I and my family thank you.

My fiance and sons actually thank all of you.  You are all my extended family. Your words and support kept me from staying in a dark place, helping me realize that we all struggle with these issues and I am never alone. Thank you is simply not enough, but all I have to offer you. I have come home tonight to a cleaner house and dinner made, with smiles and hugs that are appreciated and not ignored, which is my sons and fiance's way of showing me I am not useless, and all I do is appreciated.

The tears are still falling, not from sadness but joy that I have found a house of friends as good as all of you are.

Bless you all and I hope your pain is low, and stays there! 

Posted 8/30/2010 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you underthebus. It feels great to hear that. Lately, it has been hard to think anything positive or good about myself. I am sure you understand.
Sorry about the BB's, did they catch the beast that did it? The bondo is so easy, and much less expensive than a body repair. Seriously, would you pay someone to fix the rust on an 1989 Dodge Ram Charger? It would cost more than the truck does!
Posted 8/30/2010 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
M.M. this is what I miss the most about being away for the last month & more!!! Helping and being helped by my Fam's here in H.W.!!!!
So sorry I didn't get here sooner while you were in that deep dark place we all know too well!!! Oh what wonderfuf peeps we have here! Eating my oatmeal and reading this post this a.m. had tears flowing down my face! I remember how many times I felt the same way you did and was rescued by the words of our fam members here!!
I'm so glad you are feeling better!! Let's face it C.P. sucks! But we who have it have to learn how to live w/ it w/o beating ourselves up so much> something I have a BIG problem doing so I know how it can get!!!
You are a special Lady and we love you for it! Your fianchy & sons think so too and love you more than anything!!
All for now, gotta go zip~boom~bye!!!!
Big Huge C.P. Guy Hugs flying your way!!!!
Pete
Posted 8/30/2010 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
M,M.
Sure hope things work out for you this week, and that if you needed to maybe even 2 days a week for the Mary Kay..
Once you think things thru you'll find a way to get things done...Your life just needs a little advance planning is all...
Sorry, I chimmed in here late...Your Boys sound great and a good support for you....May good thingd come your ways..
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((M.M)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hugz and keep us posted as to how things are going...
Posted 8/30/2010 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
I think things would be easier if I didnt still have two kidney stones to pass! I have no clue from one minute to the next if I can even stand. This is driving me nuts! The spinach and lemon juice didnt work, and I cant take too much more. Apparently my abdominal and pelvic adhesions have narrowed my ureters and this is why the right side is taking so long to pass stones. Nothing is stuck, thank goodness, but I wish they would just do the cystourethroscopy and blast them to smithereens so I can have some semblance of normalcy.  rolleyes

Wait, that would imply that I am normal tongue HEHE

Posted 8/30/2010 10:04 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Monty's Mom,

I am so sorry that I am really late getting back to you! I have been feeling really lousy lately and getting worse! I just wanted to stop in with big hugs and tell you that you are important and you are loved by your real family and your family here! I, too have felt completely defeated at times and so understand what you are going through! Hang in there hun and I am glad to see your spirits are up!

Hugs,
Beckey
Posted 8/31/2010 1:23 AM (GMT 0)
MM,

I'm so very glad to hear that you are feeling somewhat better, at least emotionally. We all have our rough times, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

big hugs,
Skeye
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